Tag Archives: wingnuts

  redemption stories

Huckabee: That Duggar Boy Made A Mistake, Just Like When My Son Murdered That Dog

You STAY in her lap, where you're safe.
Expressions of wingnut support for Josh Duggar and his molesty past are starting to drip in, now that they’ve remembered that the focus of the narrative is REDEMPTION, because they have Jesus and you don’t. They are saved, you are going to hell. They can fuck kids, and you don’t fuck kids in the first place, but they said sorry to God, so ALL BETTER. Read more on Huckabee: That Duggar Boy Made A Mistake, Just Like When My Son Murdered That Dog…
  Like On A Trail You Know?

Boy Scouts President Says Gay Scout Leaders Just Fine, Haters Can Take A Hike

It will look just like this.
Hurray, we have a Nice Time, and it is about the Boy Scouts! If you search your noggin, you’ll remember way back in 2013, when the entire Boy Scouts of America (BSA) got homosexual agendaed, because they lifted the ban on gay scouts, but kept the ban in place for adult members of the organization. Despite the fact that we are talking about KIDS, this did not stop religious right goons like Bryan Fischer and Kevin Swanson from making juvenile rage jokes about sodomy badges and also Boy Scouts’ firm young buttocks, because Bryan Fischer and Kevin Swanson probably need professional help. Read more on Boy Scouts President Says Gay Scout Leaders Just Fine, Haters Can Take A Hike…
  I'll take "false equivalency" for $500 Alex

Ted Cruz Wishes America Would Focus A Little Less On Buttsex, A Little More On ISIS

Definitely nothing sexy on his brain.
America, you have GAY SEX ON THE BRAIN. You are thinking about it right now, in fact! How else can Ted Cruz explain why everybody keeps asking him about things like “gay marriage” and “equality?” It’s obviously because The Liberals (read: everybody to the left of Ted Cruz’s dad and Genghis Khan) are just too busy thinking about guys boning each other to focus on the important stuff, like ISIS: Read more on Ted Cruz Wishes America Would Focus A Little Less On Buttsex, A Little More On ISIS…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Welcome To The Cesspool Of Filth

No, *you're* the most basic of jokes.
It’s been a quiet week in the old deleted comments queue; we somehow managed not to trigger any long manifestos from wingnuts about sovereignty or the UN Agenda 21 plot to pollute and impurify our precious bodily fluids. We’ll try harder. We did get one notable tsk-tsk about our terrible conduct from “TheLongVersion,” who was not at all pleased with all the cruelty directed toward poor innocent George Zimmerman, who once again found himself in trouble last week: Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Welcome To The Cesspool Of Filth…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: The Holocaust Was A Hoax, Martial Law In Texas Is Real

NB: Remember, talking about actual Nazis does not violate Godwin's Law
Lots of lovely deleted comments for you this week, many of them in reply to our piece about David Cole, the Holocaust denier who’s found an exciting new career denying climate change (he thinks climate scientists need to be tried for treason or something). Some of the comments were about what you’d expect, like this succinct dismissal of the entire topic, from one “boris_batonov,” who simply wrote: “so you retards believe in the holohoax” — and while we’re offended by his historical illiteracy and terrible punctuation, what really chafes is a username that insults a great cartoon character. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: The Holocaust Was A Hoax, Martial Law In Texas Is Real…
  wingnut slapfight

Bryan Fischer Will Root All Queers Out Of Wingnut ‘News’ Websites

GRRRR HOMOS GRRRR
Bryan Fischer’s butthole is in an extra-twitchy state (not the Michelle Malkin kind of twitchy; or wait, come to think of it, yes the Malkin kind), as he is feeling BETRAYED! You see, one of the wingnut websites he likes, Townhall.com, has a known homosexual in its midst, by the name of Guy Benson, political editor. And Benson is a dirty homo, as he reveals in a new book out this week. Let your freak flag fly, Fischer: Read more on Bryan Fischer Will Root All Queers Out Of Wingnut ‘News’ Websites…
  Bill O'Reilly is doing field reporting now?

Fox News: BREAKING! Black Man Shot By Police! Oh Wait, Never Mind

Doy doy doy doy doy
Journalism-ing is tough! You try to get it right, but sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you fuck up. Like you misspell the name of Iran’s Ayatollah Khamenei (we did that the other day, doy!), or you report that you witnessed a black man getting shot by police in Baltimore, when what you actually witnessed was a black man NOT getting shot by the police! Fox News made this age-old mistake Monday, of seeing a man running and immediately breaking into a national newscast to report that the man had been gunned down by police, without first checking to see if the man had been gunned down at all. Oops! This is why we have editors, GUYS! Read more on Fox News: BREAKING! Black Man Shot By Police! Oh Wait, Never Mind…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Poverty Is A Myth Because Poors Are Fat And Lazy

Dear Editor: I have had it up to here with playing second fiddle to a bunch of stupid marshmallow horses...
We got a bumper crop of idiots in the comments this week, for some reason — our fault, really, since Yr Wonkette had to go and stir up trouble by writing stuff about the poors, the blacks, the gays, and the Duggars — add your own punchline. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Poverty Is A Myth Because Poors Are Fat And Lazy…
  the devil made me do it

Gay-Hating Oregon Cake Bakers: Satan Cancelled Our GoFundMe! (No, Not Kidding)

True fact. And she loved cake.
So, these fuckers, you might remember them. Aaron and Melissa Klein had a business in Gresham, Oregon, called “Sweet Cakes By Melissa,” which was a purveyor of sweet cakes, obviously, and is definitely not a veiled reference to Melissa’s piping hot rack. And of course, they have Beliefs. Very, very important Christian beliefs, the kind which are Sincerely Held, and are centered around hating gays. So, same old story, a gay couple wanted a cake for their wedding, gross bigots refused to bake cake, etc. Complaints were filed with Oregon’s Bureau of Labor and Industries (BOLI), and after a couple of years of litigation, they ruled last week that the Kleins were GUILTY AS CHARGED under Oregon’s nondiscrimination laws: Read more on Gay-Hating Oregon Cake Bakers: Satan Cancelled Our GoFundMe! (No, Not Kidding)…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: This One’s About Vaccines And Vaginas!

Vacation plan: Clean apartment, finish reading that Twain biography. Vacation reality: Booze & MLP fanfic
Oh, Wonkers, we have some beautiful deletia for you this week! Looks to us like some people have really been working overtime in the Derp Mines to bring us this fine assortment of stupidity. For starters, we have this thought-provoking bit of turnabout from “John Smith” (Real name: “Bob Johnson”), who understands that Bobby Jindal just wants to protect Liberty from the homos. Just think about this — would you libs really be so hot on forcing Christians to provide services to gay people if it also meant that gay people would have to serve people with whom they have traditionally been at Culture War? Read more on Deleted Comments: This One’s About Vaccines And Vaginas!…
  Keep Watching The Skies!

Chemtrail Loons Yell At Arizona Congressman For Not Being Total Dipsh*t

The truth is out there. Very, very far out there
Here’s how nutso the Chemtrail People are: they’re actually too crazy for a Tea Partier, Arizona Republican congresscritter Paul Gosar, DDS, who got yelled at by an assortment of chemtrail enthusiasts at Monday’s meeting of the Conservative Republican Club of Kingman. Kingman appears to be a hotbed of Chemtrail Trutherdom, as we’ve reported before. The wingnuts in the audience were not pleased by Gosar’s complete denial of the international weather modification plot — popularly known as chemtrails — that is poisoning us from the skies! Read more on Chemtrail Loons Yell At Arizona Congressman For Not Being Total Dipsh*t…
  Oh That's Real Mature

Wingnut Rep. Cussin’ Folks Out For Mocking Her Bill To Kick Feds Out Of Nevada

How can she lose when she's so patriotic?
    Well, heck, liberty-lovers, guess it’s time to pour one out for Freedom in America, as the last best hope for state sovereignty went down to a big defeat in the Nevada legislature, despite the efforts of our new favorite one-L wingnut, Assemblywoman Michele Fiore, who tried so hard to help Great American welfare rancher Cliven Bundy achieve his dream of a Nevada where the federal government can’t own land. And to top it off, Fiore, who sponsored the bill to kick the federal government out of Nevada, had herself a first-rate meltdown on the floor of the Assembly when fellow Republican Chris Edwards had the temerity to suggest, during debate of the bill, that even if it passed, it would be the subject of expensive lawsuits that taxpayers would have to pay to defend, and then Fiore would be a laughingstock. We mean more of a laughingstock. Read more on Wingnut Rep. Cussin’ Folks Out For Mocking Her Bill To Kick Feds Out Of Nevada…
  You Need Jesus In School. Where Else In Tennessee Would Kids Hear About Him?

‘Bible Man’ Banned From Tenn. Grade Schools. Townfolk Turn Other Cheek, Just Kidding

Oh Christ, now I'm going to have to *watch* these...
Cry for the poor oppressed Christians of Grundy County, Tennessee, will you please, O Wonkers? Lo, they are sore afraid, and most put upon, for an HERETIC is amongst them, using arcane magicks (the Constitution of the United States) and consorting with Devilish Forces (the Freedom From Religion Foundation) to withhold from the public schools the Word Of God! Which is to say, some old evangelist fart calling himself “the Bible Man” won’t be allowed to hold taxpayer-funded revival meetings at the elementary schools anymore, because of some stupid thing about it being unconstitutional. Happily, it all worked out for the best because the good Christian townspeople have figured out the identity of the troublemaking atheist mom who complained to the FFRF, and they’ve been threatening her with violent retribution, seeing as how God Himself hasn’t gotten around to smiting the godless bitch yet. But they know that’s what He’d want. Read more on ‘Bible Man’ Banned From Tenn. Grade Schools. Townfolk Turn Other Cheek, Just Kidding…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: You Sheepy Sheeple Are Such Sheep!

To The Management: Please correct this image. I would never use Courier. On second thought, never mind. You'd just replace it with Comic Sans.
We have a Very Special Men And Women of Few Words edition of Dear ShitFerBrains for you today, because due to some odd alignment of the planets this week, we didn’t receive a single long, painful screed that ranged over everything from Benghazi to water fluoridation. Just a lot of staccato bursts of derp. And so the question must be asked: Is our trolls learning? Hahahaha, who are we kidding, of course not (As always, all spelling, spacing, and punctuation is reproduced verbatim). Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: You Sheepy Sheeple Are Such Sheep!…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Rand Paul Is A Genius, You Morons!

To the editors: I liked the old library better.
Today, an abbreviated Dear Shitferbrains, seeing as how Yr Doktor Zoom has Ebola again and also needs to do his taxes like the rest of the One Percent. Not surprisingly, we heard from a lot of butthurt Rand Paul fans this week, most of whom wanted to point out that a journalist’s job is to ask a question and then write down the answers, and not to keep asking her question when Rand Paul interrupts her to tell her that her question is not a good one. “John 440″ was simply aghast that we would even write about such a non-news moment: Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Rand Paul Is A Genius, You Morons!…
  BYO Constitution

Happy Bundyversary, America! Come On Down To Bundyland For BundyPalooza 2015!

2114's hottest hobby: Bundy Ranch standoff re-enactments
Wow, can you believe it’s been a whole year since the Great Big Freedom Standoff between a welfare rancher, his militia pals, and the Tyrannical Federal Government that wanted to take away all his cow friends because he never paid a penny of grazing fees after 1993? After, all, Cliven Bundy was just a simple rancher/entrepreneur peacefully grazing his cattle on federal land that was kinda-sorta near land that his family had settled since forever, or at least since 1948. So to celebrate the one year anniversary of the Greatest Freedom Standoff since Waco, the Bundy family is having a hootenanny, and everyone’s invited! And thanks to the brave redacted Wonkette tipster who forwarded the email to us, we’re excited to share the invite with all of you Liberty-Loving Loons, too! Read more on Happy Bundyversary, America! Come On Down To Bundyland For BundyPalooza 2015!…
  You Come At The HENGHHHH? You Best Not Miss

John McCain Has An Announcement To Make Too, Pick Him, Pick Him!

My friends, my friends, my friends...FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN
After that thrilling speech by Rand Paul (mostly we just heard the trombone-voice of the teacher from Charlie Brown cartoons), are you Wonkers ready for some real excitement? Then you should probably go see a matinee of Furious 7, because this article is about John McCain announcing that he’ll run for a sixth term in the Senate. Wait! Come back! Maybe there’ll be sideboob in here somewhere! Like, not even gross old man sideboob, either. Read more on John McCain Has An Announcement To Make Too, Pick Him, Pick Him!…
  Right-wing humor is as good as it's always been

Here Are The Racist Emails That Landed Sh*tty Ferguson Officials In The Unemployment Line

Good thing they didn't send their emails to Strongbad, he would have gotten SO MAD.
If former court clerk Mary Ann Twitty, of Ferguson, Missouri, had been paying any attention to Hillary Clinton’s lessons, she might still have a job right now. Same goes for Rick Henke and William Mudd, who used to be police captain and police sergeant, respectively. Instead, it never occurred to them that “hey we send each other racist haw haw jokes all the time, maybe we should delete them, or maybe do this over Snapchat,” and they were relieved of their jobs in March. Well, now we actually get to see the emails! Were they talking about how much they wanted to lynch slaves or how Barack Obama should go back and live with the monkeys in Africa? Less of the former, more of the latter. Read more on Here Are The Racist Emails That Landed Sh*tty Ferguson Officials In The Unemployment Line…
  Can we be done talking about this now?

Arkansas And Indiana Suck Up To Big Gay With ‘Fixed’ Religious Freedom Bills

Just suck it up
Late Thursday, Arkansas Gov. Asa Hutchinson was FIRST! to call a press conference so he could sign the “fixed” Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA) into law, following a weeklong national outcry. Before any journalist could even open a new browser tab to type words about it, there went Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, doing the same damn thing. Did the governors time it that way, so the media wouldn’t know what to cover? Maybe! Or maybe it just happened that way because everybody was ready to go the fuck home for the long holiday weekend. Proponents claimed the original laws did nothing more than protect religious freedom from some unspecified threat, but in reality, the bills were thinly veiled licenses to hate on and discriminate against gays and lesbians, so they had to be amended to ensure that no, this does not give you permission to refuse to do flowers for Dale and Kevin’s wedding, and no, also, please do not take your businesses out of our states! Read more on Arkansas And Indiana Suck Up To Big Gay With ‘Fixed’ Religious Freedom Bills…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Oh Yeah Wonket? Well YOU’RE An Abortion!

Dear Sir or Madame: I am outraged by the lack of variety in the .gifs on this blog!
This week’s crop of deleted comments made us feel a bit nostalgic, since a couple of them employ a rightwing rhetorical trope that we first noticed when we still read the local news-paper while listening to Fleetwood Mac on the Victrola. It’s the simplest possible sort of non sequitur: just take any current event and point out that the Scourge Of Abortion is far worse. “I don’t see why the plane crash in ____ is news when hundreds of babies are slaughtered daily…” “Your article on the Armenian Genocide reminded me that Americans are happy to deny their own genocide, legal since 1973…” “How can your reviewer complain about Ishtar when a true abomination takes place in Planned parenthood clinics every day?” So yeah, we got a couple of those this week. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Oh Yeah Wonket? Well YOU’RE An Abortion!…