Tag Archives: wingnuts

  Christian martyrs

Gay-Hating Oregon Bakers Real Tired Of Getting Concentration Camped By Hitler

Ready for another dumb Hitler analogy, because this is the week where we do those? Let’s get reacquainted with Aaron and Melissa Klein, who decided to be martyrs just like Jesus, by refusing to make a cake for a lesbian wedding. Then they lost their bakery, because they are twats, and then Satan personally attacked them by canceling their GoFundMe, which they planned to use to pay the fine they owed the state of Oregon, for the crime of being twats. This was obviously more persecution, because it says right there in the book of Romans that all good Christians are entitled to a GoFundMe. Read more on Gay-Hating Oregon Bakers Real Tired Of Getting Concentration Camped By Hitler…
  The Battle Of Bunk Hill

Wingnuts Win! AP History Exam Will Only Pass Patriot Kids Who Know America Is Perfect

Still stoked that Chris Hayes used this back in February.
We’re not sure it’s as huge a capitulation as Barack Obama’s complete surrender to Iran, but it looks like there may be Peace In Our Time in at least one theater of the Culture Wars. After a year of rightwing complaints that the revised Advanced Placement U.S. History (APUSH) exam was teaching high school students to hate America and maybe join ISIS, the College Board has given in and announced some changes to the exam that are intended to placate the whiny titty babies who don’t seem to understand what “Advanced Placement” means. The exam framework for 2015 will add a section on “American Exceptionalism” and add additional questions that name Big Heroes like George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson, whose names you might suppose students would have encountered before taking an AP class (and who would of course have been covered in any class — it’s just that they weren’t named in the framework, which instead focused on larger themes. This drove wingnuts crazy and led them to claim that the Founders had been “removed” from the teaching of history). The College Board is still saying some pretty nasty things about God’s Own America, however. The new framework includes pretty much the same number of references to slavery as the 2014 version, and it turns out we still interned Japanese-Americans during WW II. Read more on Wingnuts Win! AP History Exam Will Only Pass Patriot Kids Who Know America Is Perfect…
  Hide yr dergs!

Oh No, Barack Obama Is Going To Do The Puppy Holocaust Now, For Allah!

DON'T BELIEVE HIM BO.
You know that thing during the Super Bowl, where there is the Puppy Bowl for all the girls and homosexuals who are only there for the spiked punch? And know how, as per Mike Huckabee, Obama is doing the REAL HOLOCAUST to Israel, by making a deal to keep Iran nuke-free? Well, apparently Obama’s got time for a puppy Holocaust for Allah, during the commercial breaks of the real Holocaust, according to wingnut radio host Michael Savage, who we actually didn’t know still existed: Read more on Oh No, Barack Obama Is Going To Do The Puppy Holocaust Now, For Allah!…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: Why Do You Liberals Care If Druggies Die?

Scootaloo is a skateboard punk rocker. Let's hope she ends up saner than Michelle Shocked.
We’ve got a heapin’ helpin’ of hostility for you this week, on any number of topics, so let’s jump right into it with this one-liner from “Boggy,” who posted it this week in reply to our June piece on Ted Cruz’s classy jokes about Joe Biden, four days after the death of Biden’s son Beau: Read more on Deleted Comments: Why Do You Liberals Care If Druggies Die?…
  LOLOL

Loser Dudes Who Harass Ladies Online Are Micropenis Losers In Real Life Too, Says Science

Is this yr Wonkette's secret admirer? MAYBE! XOXOXO
Are you ready for WONKET SCIENCE KORNER? Of course you are, because we are liberals and we love science! Let’s look at the Washington Post to find out what Studies Show today, oh look, Studies Show that if you are a man who is mean to ladies on the Internet, then you are a limp-dicked uneducated LOOOOOOSER lame-ass unwashed mass on the buttocks of America, and you would be sad about that if you weren’t so stupid: Read more on Loser Dudes Who Harass Ladies Online Are Micropenis Losers In Real Life Too, Says Science…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: More Butthurt Confederates, If You Can Believe That

Princess Sunbutt Will Rise Again!
Hey, would you believe that we’re still getting letters from angry sons, daughters, and bastard wannabe grandchildren of the Confederacy about our piece on a proposal to move Nathan Bedford Forrest’s bones out of a city park and to a private cemetery? Of course you would, because nothing inspires everlasting butthurt like a Lost Cause. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: More Butthurt Confederates, If You Can Believe That…
  wait what?

GOP Senator Enraged Obama Giving Arms To Iran, Wait That Was Reagan

Barack Obama and one of his Persian lovers.
To say that Republicans have become unhinged over President Obama’s Iran deal would be a generous understatement. But “moderate” (hahaha) Sen. Mark Kirk, Republican of Illinois, may (at least for the moment) be the most unhinged of all. Did you know that Obama reached this agreement so that we can give all the nukes to Iran so they can murder everyone in the Middle East? IT’S TRUE! At least it’s true if you live in Mark Kirk’s brain. Read more on GOP Senator Enraged Obama Giving Arms To Iran, Wait That Was Reagan…
  Operation Soiled Trousers 15

Jade Helm Week Is Here. Have You Decorated Your Bunker Yet?

Surely this proves something!
Congratulations, comrades! It has been a glorious month! Our puppets on the Supreme Court have forced through the twin abominations of Obamacare and Sodomite Marriage, and in the wake of our successful False Flag attack in Charleston, our Politically Correct allies have destroyed the last symbol of resistance to tyranny. Now, while the nation is distracted by the insane ramblings of a crazy man with a tribble on his head, the hour has come for Our Glorious Leader Barack Obama to declare martial law across the southwest, and to start rounding up the guns and the patriots! Jade Helm 15 is finally here! Remember, don’t start the rioting until you hear the code words on the TV: “Rapid Advance, They Helped My Business Grow, Rapid Advance, They Didn’t Say No.” Then head to your nearest Walmart and start yelling whatever slogans come to mind. And remember to say a friendly “Ni hao!” to our Chinese comrades as they come flooding out of the subterranean tunnels, which are the best kind. Even if our Glorious Leader doesn’t announce his plan to bend America to his will this time, there will no doubt be some hilarious videos of idiots yelling at Army dudes. Read more on Jade Helm Week Is Here. Have You Decorated Your Bunker Yet?…
  Him smart

Jeb Bush No Like Big Words

He's just a simple caveman candidate
At long last we have an explanation for why Jeb! Bush fucks it up so bad every time he’s asked to answer a question. BECAUSE WORDS IS HARD AND TOUGH. Big words with syllables are for ineffective fancypants elitists like Barack Obama and John Kerry and Hillary Clinton, whereas little words, like the kinds Jeb! and his brother use, are good. He explained this in the same interview in which he said Americans wouldn’t be so poor if we just worked a million more hours per day: Read more on Jeb Bush No Like Big Words…
  Sweet Jesus look at this hot guy

Beached North Carolina Wingnuts Worry Only Gays Will Get Rescued From Drowning Now

Hi lifeguard. My name is Evan. You want to save my life? I'll pretend I'm drowning so it looks legit. Or I can just meet you after your shift and we can make out. Whatever you want
In the wake of the Supreme Court’s Gay Marriage Throat-Cram-A-Thon, wingnuts have had hilarious reactions and stupid reactions and melodramatic reactions, and all of the other reactions that are dumb and bad. But here is one that takes the cake (but not the gay wedding cake; wingnuts are not allowed to be within 50 feet of those). Some people in Carolina Beach, North Carolina, were just out sunning their beached bodies when they saw (oh no!) a rainbow flag flying from one of the lifeguard post of the dashing gentleman pictured above, and immediately knew that meant that only gays would be rescued from drowning on that beach: Read more on Beached North Carolina Wingnuts Worry Only Gays Will Get Rescued From Drowning Now…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: Democrats Did The KKK, So Wonkette’s The REAL Racist

Fer one thing, its eyes are just teensy li'l things...
We sure did get a Passel o’ Stupid in reply to our piece suggesting that Memphis should get rid of its big Nathan Bedford Forrest statue (the public one, not the crazy-ass Nashville abomination above, which is on private land), seeing as how the guy was a vicious racist and war criminal. Except really, we mostly just got the same stupid comment, repeated with endless variations, and it looked a little something like these examples from “Angyl Ricardi,” who knows the real source of racism: Read more on Deleted Comments: Democrats Did The KKK, So Wonkette’s The REAL Racist…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Was It Over When The Jews Bombed Pearl Harbor?

Hey, Kids, hope you enjoyed both your Fourth of July and your Independence Day, seeing as how this was one of those years where they fall on the same day. Yr Wonkette had a nice day off and hardly blowed up anything at all that didn’t need ‘splodin’. And speaking of “highly Flammable,” we have for you a fine collection of deleted dumbth, starting with some thoughts from a “Dr. Lopez,” who we regret did not specify what his doctorate was in. Dr Lopez was not especially pleased with our piece on the Texas attorney general who issued an amazing public meltdown in the form of a press release following the Supreme Court’s gay marriage ruling. And Dr. Lopez had some thoughts about just what a Big Dummy our Evan Hurst must be — don’t be fooled by his flattery at the beginning! As always, punctuation and spelling are verbatim from original. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Was It Over When The Jews Bombed Pearl Harbor?…
  More gay 9/11 coming apparently

Wingnut Terror Alert Level Raised To ‘Hey Gurl!’ After White House Gay Rainbow Display

Just gonna put this here one more time.
On Friday night, after the historic Supreme Court decision where Justice Anthony Kennedy destroyed all heterosexual marriages by letting gays in on the institution, the White House gave us ALL THE FEELS by turning rainbow-colored for the night. The display had been planned for months, which proves President Obama is in the tank for Big Homo, and it was A Good Thing. Indeed, President Obama called it “a moment worth savoring,” even though he had to watch it on teevee, due to presidents are not allowed to play outside after dark. Read more on Wingnut Terror Alert Level Raised To ‘Hey Gurl!’ After White House Gay Rainbow Display…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: The Illiterate, The Perverse, And The Deranged

Just try to keep the Yaks happy
The deleted comments game is a weird business — sometimes you can predict what topics will draw a lot of crazy comments — guns, Islam, and the Duggars, especially — and then sometimes, there’s a huge news story that doesn’t quite bring out nearly as much derp as we expected. For instance, we were sure that we’d be devoting most of this week’s Dear ShitFerBrains to this week’s Supreme Court decisions: Thursday’s Obamacare ruling and Friday’s complete destruction of America via Ghey Marrying. But apparently those were so traumatic that the Usual Crowd was too busy buying canned foods for the bunker and commiserating on rightwing sites. No doubt after the shock wears off, they’ll begin venturing to Wonkette to tell us precisely which torments we’ll all face in Hell. Ah, but we did hear a fair bit about the Confederate flag, so at least there’s that. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: The Illiterate, The Perverse, And The Deranged…
  After we stopped crying we started giggling

Wingnuts Very Upset That Gay Jihadists Just Did 9/11 To America

HELP, JESUS!
When news broke that the Supreme Court had forcibly crammed gay marriage down the throatholes of every God-fearing American, our first instinct (AFTER CRYING) was go check Bryan Fischer’s Twitter-Twatter page. And he had said nothing! “WAKE UP, BRYAN FISCHER!,” we said to no one in particular, but apparently we successfully summoned the demon, because HOLY SHIT Y’ALL, he is having a meltdown of the most beautiful, epic proportions. Let’s point and laugh as Bryan Fischer explains how gay jihadists have just done a whole new 9/11 to America: Read more on Wingnuts Very Upset That Gay Jihadists Just Did 9/11 To America…
  Victory lap!

President Obama: I Will Never Stop Cramming Obamacare Down America’s Throat

Sexy stoic president will give you tender-loving Obamacare.
Thursday, the Supreme Court ruled, YET AGAIN, that Obamacare is just fine and dandy and great, even if Congress did a really bad job of making all their subjects and verbs agree when they wrote the damn thing. So can we please stop talking about this now? One person who does not want to stop talking about it is President Obama, who decided to ride around the White House lawn on his victory steed, alternately shouting things like “Suck it so hard, haters!” and “I am the best at Presidenting!” and “Look, Michelle, no hands!” Read more on President Obama: I Will Never Stop Cramming Obamacare Down America’s Throat…