Tag Archives: willow palin

  pow! right in the kisser!

2014: The Year Bristol Palin And Her Mom, Ol’ Whatsername, Made All Our Dreams Come True

She's all out of makeup, frankly.
There’s this lady, Sarah Palin, you wouldn’t know her. She flitted through the public consciousness for a hot minute in 2008, and then was never heard from again. Haha, spoiler alert, yes she was. We’re sorry. But aside from all Sarah Palin’s usual hijinks, most of which involved either racism or grift (because like we said, “usual”), there was one glorious moment in 2014 in which all the Palin clan’s true class became as crystal clear as the finest Coors Lite. And it lasted like a month. Read more on 2014: The Year Bristol Palin And Her Mom, Ol’ Whatsername, Made All Our Dreams Come True…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Home-Cooked, Hand-Clubbed Fish Dinner

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
Touch of context for those who are new to this series: a Wonkette commenter named Fartknocker ponied up the cash for us to get a subscription to Sarah Palin’s Internet Teevee Channel. The aim of this series is to allow the Wonketariat to snicker at Palin’s new thingy without ever exposing yrselves to the harmful gamma radiation emitted by the Sarah Palin Channel. You are welcome. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Home-Cooked, Hand-Clubbed Fish Dinner…
  Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting

Palin Rumble Update: Palins Didn’t Start The Fight, They Just Finished It

Details still trickling in
More details continue to emerge regarding the Great Big Palin Brawl of ’14. We aren’t going to go into all the various he-said/she-said/she-screeched-like-a-demented-hellbeast scenarios, but the basics are that a whole bunch of Palins got into a punching match with a number of lesser mortals at a Sept. 6 birthday party in Anchorage, apparently because Track Palin took exception to the presence of a former boyfriend of young Arbor Day Palin. Read more on Palin Rumble Update: Palins Didn’t Start The Fight, They Just Finished It…
  fa-fa-fa-fa-fashion

What To Wear To Your Late Summer Brawl: The Palin Family’s Fashion Do’s!

Late summer. The perfect time to crash a birthday party, punch the host in the face multiple times, and shriek obscenities at all and sundry. But WHAT TO WEAR? If you are Sarah Palin, the answer is “platform shoes with American flags on them.” You guys, I think I just got hard. Let’s glean more fashion tips from the Palin clan, along with the latest from witnesses on how the fight started, who punched whom and who choked someone out (Todd. Todd choked someone out), and the level of shirtlessness on certain Palin family eldest sons. It’s not the first time the Palins have graced our fashion pages, but it might just be the best. Read more on What To Wear To Your Late Summer Brawl: The Palin Family’s Fashion Do’s!…
  it puts the lotion on its diploma

Congratulations On Your Entrepreneuring, Willow Palin!

WILLOW PALIN GRADUATES! WILLOW PALIN GRADUATES! Etc. Good job, Wills, we are happy at ya for graduating from what your sainted mother describes as a “hair and skin academy,” where you went on foreign exchanges (to Juarez we are guessing?) and visited “the sets of major media productions” (like Dancing With the Stars?) and did other stuff too. Also you are an “entrepreneur” with a strong work ethic, although we are not sure your mother knows what “entrepreneur” means, because to our knowledge you are not that. But it’s cool! Nobody but your mother expects you to be! You are by far the best Palin girl, as your sister — you remember her, the one who was always super nasty and bossy at you for no reason on that terrible teevee show you were on together? — is a completely useless slug. But your mom wrote some word salad at us, ABOUT EDUCATION, ON WHICH SHE HAS THOUGHTS, on her major media platform, Myface, and we are going to have to look at it now. Read more on Congratulations On Your Entrepreneuring, Willow Palin!…
  we think we just got stupider

‘What’s The Matter With Willow?’ And Other Questions Inspired By Last Night’s ‘Bristol Palin: Life’s A Tripp’

Apparently last week or the week before, which we did not watch, in fact we might have skipped like five weeks whoops, Bristol was defeated by Los Angeles and headed home after like a week and a half, because “homosexuals.” Now she is back with her absolutely hamburger-brained boyfriend, Gino, whom she was so keen to leave in the premiere, because he was terrible. We don’t remember why he was terrible, and our previous recap is no help in the matter. Because we were drunk. So it’s “Valentimes” Day, as Gino calls it and calls it and calls it again, because he is both gross and horrifically uneducated. And everything is swell between them, with Gino even being really nice to the offputtingly bratty and entitled and hyper and fed-cupcakes-before-dinner Aryan Angel, Tripp. Read more on ‘What’s The Matter With Willow?’ And Other Questions Inspired By Last Night’s ‘Bristol Palin: Life’s A Tripp’…
  willow for president!

Willow Palin Buys Drugs In Target Parking Lot

Important political magazine Life & Style (is this that Tina Brown/Newsweek thing?) just sent us a very important news update on Willow Palin, the hot teen sensation of Discovery Channel’s new travel video, White Trash On Drugz. According to unimpeachable sources (other white trash kids in Wasilla), Willow is such a piece of trash. Plus she is so dumb, she buys marijuana in Alaska, where it is free and grows everywhere — except anywhere around a Palin, as the only food that doesn’t wilt in the presence of a Palin woman is something assembled by Taco Bell. Let’s learn all about parking lot life in Wasilla, at 1 a.m., with your favorite “first family,” the Palins! Read more on Willow Palin Buys Drugs In Target Parking Lot…
  barry can you hear me?

Obama Is On a Manic Medal-Awarding Spree

Greetings, skankarellas and skankarinos! What did you do this week? Award the Medal of Honor to a very handsome young man in uniform? Announce the recipients of the 2011 Medal of Presidential Freedom? Did you give a fucking medal to anybody, you worthless sack of European rabbit excrement? No, of course not, because you are a value-free bag of tiny turdpellets produced by the Oryctolagus cuniculus. Since you are such a disappointment, let us instead turn our eyes to feast upon the sexy black man who is our 65th president. Read more on Obama Is On a Manic Medal-Awarding Spree…
  oh noes!

National Enquirer: Willow Palin Had a ‘PREGNANCY SHOCKER’

Is Willow Palin about to have a baby? The National Enquirer says she recently “missed her period” (gah, your editor quits, again) and took a pregnancy test. Can we trust the Enquirer? How exactly do they keep track of this sixteen-year-old’s ovulation cycle? Sure, we could trust them if they said John Edwards got her pregnant, although they don’t appear to be saying that. (Yet.) But if you stop to think about it, this story makes sense. Bristol became a well-paid public speaker and teevee reality show contestant because she had a teenage pregnancy, so perhaps Willow, like every teen in this situation, is making a smart entrepreneurial move, one that began with her attention-grabbing Facebook comments a few days back. But perhaps this is a risky attempt to overshadow Bristol: The Enquirer seems to suggest she had an abortion. Read more on National Enquirer: Willow Palin Had a ‘PREGNANCY SHOCKER’…
  culture surrender

GOProud Comes To Defense of Willow Palin, Says That Gay Slur Isn’t So Bad

News agency TMZ with more on Willow’s nationally important Facebook: A gay, conservative, tea-party heavy group thinks it’s stupid to label Sarah Palin’s daughter or family “homophobes” … just because Willow Palin called a guy a fa**ot on Facebook. Read more on GOProud Comes To Defense of Willow Palin, Says That Gay Slur Isn’t So Bad…
  school these days

Willow, Bristol Palin Call Fellows ‘Fat,’ Use Gay Slur On Facebook

Politics news: Willow and Bristol Palin are teenagers from podunk Alaska and are not brilliant honors students. So they are on The Facebook, where they are easily led into angry Facebook “flame wars” when people say their mother’s horrible teevee show is horrible. So, surprise! Willow uses gay slurs and calls people “fat” and uses other “f-bombs” when she is talking about teenagers she does not like! And then Bristol comes in, all adult-like, to tell people, “I’m successful because I’m a hard ass worker.” It’s not clear whether this simply means she works hard (at being the daughter of a famous hick?) or if she is actually employed as something called an “ass worker,” but you can read this conversation for yourself and feel bad for spending part of your adult life looking at the inane words of children that some other adult took the time to record from Facebook. Read more on Willow, Bristol Palin Call Fellows ‘Fat,’ Use Gay Slur On Facebook…
  'mad men' replacement

America’s Pets Also Hate Sarah Palin’s New TeeVee Show

Yes, even this dog hates Sarah Palin’s Alaska, a terrible reality show (also known as “a reality show”) that premiered last night on The Learning Channel, a channel for the willfully ignorant. Why do pets hate this show? Well, for the usual reasons someone would dislike Sarah Palin, probably. But even this, her own show, makes this woman look like a strange, awful human being. Read more on America’s Pets Also Hate Sarah Palin’s New TeeVee Show…
  this will meander

A Few Vaguely Related Palin-Letterman Thoughts, And More!

Christ, it’s not like there’s any election going on, when this public celebrity nonsense sometimes can matter, for a few hours, but here we are finally getting all intrigued-like over some snit on Todd & Sarah Palin’s Facebook page about a baseball sex joke David Letterman made on television one night. What’s going on now. Letterman apologized again last night for making whatever joke, a monologue quickie, that Sarah Palin pretended to interpret as pervert code for “I’m gonna rape your 14-year-old Willow daughter.” Now Palin has “accepted” Letterman’s lengthy apology with one of the more obnoxious statements in her endless, vapid, snarling canon. Read more on A Few Vaguely Related Palin-Letterman Thoughts, And More!…
  anyway a-rod is dating kate hudson

Letterman Sorry For Saying Some Thing About Sarah Palin’s Daughter

How many daughters does Sarah Palin have? Like fourteen? Well, David Letterman made a CRUDE REMARK about one of them, apparently intending to refer to the oldest one ( “Bridgeport”) but inadvertently referring to the middle one ( “Jester”). And voila just like that a harmless “gals is always gettin’ pregnant” joke turned into a “isn’t it hilarious when 14-year-olds get raped by baseball stars” joke, so he had to apologize for that. Ugh. Everybody just needs to wash out their minds with soap — Ivory soap, the soap of virgins. [Political Ticker] Read more on Letterman Sorry For Saying Some Thing About Sarah Palin’s Daughter…
  she wastes money on everything

Sarah Palin’s School-Aged Children Conduct Important State Business!

Everybody is very ANGRY with Sarah Palin for spending tens of thousands of hard-working Alaskans’ tax dollars flying her daughters to various conferences and putting them up at the Ritz and then saying they were there on “official duty” to cut ribbons and stuff. And yes, this is pretty fucking lame, particularly given that there are plenty of governors in America who do not drag their kids along to every association dinner they’re invited to and instead take advantage of a wonderful American invention called “the babysitter,” or even an old throwback called “a spouse.” But that’s not the real outrage! Read more on Sarah Palin’s School-Aged Children Conduct Important State Business!…