Really, come on, what the hell? South Carolina state senator and fellow Republican Jake Knotts has this to say about Mark Sanford’s secret sexytime: “I found out that he was taking frequent trips at odd times of the night in a South Carolina Law Enforcement Division car with no security. He would be driving. I got wind that he had taken another one of these types of capers last Thursday, and that nobody knew who he was with.” [CNN]

Ha ha, Texas. Once this state secedes, where will the rest of America turn for laffs? (Answer: Oklahoma.) A senior strategist for Governor Rick Perry likened a more inclusive national Republican Party to a “whorehouse,” and all the GOP ladies in Texas just went nuts. MORE »

OMG IT IS NEWS, TODAY, BUT NOT ABOUT TEA OR BAGS.

The disgraced Illinois fucktard Rod Blagojevich would like to appear on a reality show, provided a judge will loosen his travel restrictions. The show is called I Am a Repulsive Human Merkin, Get Me Out of Costa Rica! Should he actually get permission to leave the country and should the producers actually want him, he will be “parachuted in” to the Central American nation for the taping of this dumb show, which is based on a dumb British show with roughly the same name. As the first “survival challenge,” Rod Blagojevich will be duct-taped to the Octomom and dipped in pork rinds, then dangled before a half-dozen hungry Paultards. Hilarity ensues. [Chicago Tribune]

The silly DNC spent all of its cash on loser Jim Martin’s 800 losses in Georgia this year, so what do they do, right, they go to Obama and ask for a damn check, and then he e-mails us to hawk some more junk. “Obama for America” writes, “This holiday season, celebrate the historic accomplishment of our movement for change. Treat yourself or a loved one to a limited edition Obama fleece jacket.” It’s really the only appropriate celebration for such an historic accomplishment. They are $50, and if you do not buy one then you hate black people. [Barack Obama]

SPITZER TO EDIT SLATE’S NEW LADY BLOG, XX FACTOR: Or something! The Observer reports that human penis Eliot Spitzer will be writing a column for the online Slate magazine, starting tomorrow. Oh that Slate, always keeping us on our toes! The column “will appear every other week and it’ll be about government, regulation and finance.” In other words: just softcore. And… uh… just imagine that this post had clever sex jokes in it, k? [Observer]

That girl who nailed Eliot Spitzer, Ashley “Alexandra” Dupre, has given an interview to ABC’s Diane Sawyer as part of Sawyer’s “Prostitution in America” investigative journalistic reportorial KGB-spy series. Look forward to all sorts of juicy nuggets along the lines of: “In high school, Dupre was an honor student, worked in a restaurant and ‘never really socialized and went … to any of the parties, the high school parties. I got along with everyone, I was kind of popular. I was pretty popular.’” If she was so popular, WHY DIDN’T SHE GO TO THE PARTIES? You know, The High School Parties? That’s all. [ABC News]

We advise all readers to crush at least four shots of cheap Canadian whiskey before turning on CNN during this convention. They have been talking all afternoon about, what else, The Clintons and their Drama. CNN’s Denver headquarters are comically located here at the “CNN Grill,” which we assume is supposed to highlight some vague Western aesthetic, when really it’s just scribbling over any imagined aesthetic with random, vulgar words. Fishbowl DC has photos from inside. It looks like a decent place, except for all the Dana Milbanks there. [Fishbowl DC, Flickr]

Here’s an official Buffalo Chip poster advertising that thing John McCain went to yesterday with the Bitters. His name is hidden somewhere on this poster. And look at Cindy there in her cunt outfit, just cold tamin’ the buffalo.

There has been some speculation and anti-speculation that John McCain will pick his vice president this week, and that it will be Mitt Romney because why not. The timing of McCain’s announcement is particularly important, because it will be the only chance he has of getting decent press coverage ever. What if he announces it on the same day Obama breaks a fingernail or goes to the gym SEVEN times! The McCain campaign dreads something of this nature. Anyway, Mittens has sent out a fundraising plea to the 4-5 people remaining on his e-mail list on behalf of John McCain, so perhaps this means something! About the future! MORE »

• SAN FRANCISCO ADOPTING ‘SAN FRANCISCO VALUES’: “SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — A measure that aims to keep prostitutes from facing criminal charges has qualified for the November ballot in San Francisco … The Erotic Service Providers Union recently gathered the 12,000 signatures necessary to put the measure on the ballot.” Surely this is part of the Gay Agenda. [AP]

DOES HIS WIFE KNOW WHERE HE IS?: Yesterday the videographers at TMZ ran into disgraced former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, just a-walkin’ the streets of New York City! He was evidently searching for new prostitutes while carrying a tabbed folder, which was also filled with prostitutes. In this 20-second video, Spitzer says that he is “working,” which is black street slang for “being a homeless STD-riddled bum.” Eliot Spitzer is completely naked for this entire video. [TMZ]