Tag: whole foods

Stories Of Staggeringly Dumb Restaurant Customers

Welcome back to Off The Menu, where we bring you the best and strangest food stories from my email inbox. This week, we've got week one of two of an old favorite: customers who were dumb it makes our...

Stories of Restaurant Customers Who Were Basically Satan

Welcome back to Off The Menu, where we bring you the best and strangest food stories from my email inbox. This week, we've got the old standby: terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad restaurant customers. As always, these are real...
Good For Your Business

Whole Foods’ Gamble: Will In-Store Tattoo Parlors Attract Enough Insufferable Millennials?

Another week and another chance to celebrate the accomplishments and examine the needless suffering of our favorite Corporate Persons. Thanks for fighting our stupid wars, millennials. Here's another tattoo parlor Are you interested in a tattoo like some common Rock and...

Your Never-Ending Olive Garden Shrimp Bowl Sauteed In Never-Ending Child-Slave Tears

So we've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that a mortifying percentage of the shrimp we eat comes from slave labor. The good news is, jk, there's no good news, humanity is a miserable plague. According...

Precious White People Losing Their Damn Minds Over GMO Salmon

SOMEONE SAID "GMO," GET THE CAGE-FREE ORGANIC PITCHFORKS! For those who missed it, earlier this month, the FDA approved the sale of GMO salmon for the first time, after a company called AquaBounty came up with a way to allow...
you're gonna make me lonesome when you go

Please Train Your Replacement On Your Way Out! This Week In Corporate Layoffs

Pursuant to his well-conceived campaign strategy of lobbing baseless hyperbolic gibberish bombs, Donald Trump just surprised the nation by letting us know the unemployment rate is, in fact, not 5.1 percent and actually might be 42 percent. Sure, why the hell...
Probably his fault somehow

Whole Foods Busted For Overpriced Organic Vegan Tofu Yuppie Chow

Stop the recycled paper presses, Whole Foods is gouging its customers! Wait, we knew that, didn't we? Yes. We mean, more than we even knew! According to an EXCLUSIVE report by NY Daily News, the New York Department of...

Business Owners Being Dicks: Your Week In Review

Oh look! Another douchebag business owner is doing another douchebag thing. We kinda think that dude from Whole Foods should take this week's prize, because he had the two-fer: calling Obamacare "fascism" and explaining he's not a climate change...

Whole Foods Now Catering to Crazy People Who Don’t Shop There

Fancy yuppie grocery store Whole Foods is known mostly for being a good place to spend eight dollars on a tomato that was planted in the ground without chemicals, sung to, and watered with organic unicorn juice on a...

Why Can’t the Government Just Send All the Unhealthy People To Bagram and Leave the Rest of Us the Hell Alone?

South Korea was a simple place, a happy place. Then South Korea was introduced to the Internet, and also Starcraft. And now South Korean people want to kill themselves. John McCain does not want to be called a trail-blazin'...

Finding Sushi In The City… Before It’s Too Late

Ha ha, now that there will be tons of babies running around DC thanks to Mr. Stupak and his coathanger-friendly amendment, women should start indulging in food that they won't be able to eat while preggers, including sushi. And...

Swine Soup

Ha ha, do you have the pig AIDS, because just about everyone in DC has it! Have you sneezed or coughed at all in the last decade? Then it's definitely the pig AIDS, and you shouldn't touch anyone, especially...

Boycott Whole Foods! Or Don’t!

So so many ethical quandaries this week! Should "we" "forgive" Michael Vick for being a dog-tortoruing sociopath, because he paid his debt to society? Should "we" continue to patronize a food store whose CEO -- a man whose douchebaggery...

Whole Foods Weighs In On Health Care Debate, Because Honestly At This Point, Why Not?

Were you at Netroots Nation? Your Wonkette was not invited. But Matt Yglesias was, and he spoke on every panel covering every imaginable topic: Afghanistan, climate change, tax policy, amateur dentistry, LOLcats -- everything. "First Obama's brownshirts came...

EAT A BAG OF LOW-FAT NUTRIENT-DENSE DICKS, JOHN MACKEY: The CEO of Whole Foods is a big fan of Ayn Rand, did you know that? Which explains why his solution to America's healthcare crisis is for people to quit...

Happy Hours: Not Just For Booze?

Don’t worry, we’re not asking anyone to reevaluate the presence of alcohol in their life, nor are we insinuating that there are better means to post-work happiness than drinking. Happy hours are essential to the DC way of...