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“The nation’s first family tree is about to gain a new branch,” the Washington Post reveals today. “The future in-laws, it turns out, are not unlike the Bushes.”

Really?! That is news. While many Americans expected Jenna Bush to eventually shack up with a meth dealer in a Florida trailer park, it turns out her “background” and “pedigree” sort of determined long ago that she would marry another rich white douche from another rich and powerful family that makes billions of dollars on something that kills poor brown people — in Jenna’s case, that industry is oil and war, while in Henry Hager’s case, that industry is tobacco. MORE »

Yeah, yeah, we say we’re done with them every goddamn time we write about them, but this was too appalling to pass up. It is re. the lovely Angela Valdez, City Paper staff writer, with whom we got far, far too drunk last night. MORE »

* What gets Rudy Giuliani to sleep at night? A little bit of Ambien and a whole lot of jerking off to his 9/11 scrapbook. [LGF]
* The “Sheehan-Reid-Obama-Clinton cult” is the really dangerous one, other cults just front. [The Corner]
* Justice Department under Clinton had a gulag for Republicans. [Washington Prowler (last Item)]
* Paul Wolfowitz for Mayor, of Baghdad. [The Blotter]
* Alaskan oil companies want Ted Stevens to have the biggest, baddest house on the block. [TPM Muckraker]
* A drawing by Barack Obama of some white people is apparently worth money. [eBay]

* Paul and Shaha rock each other’s worlds like a bomb-belt in a crowded market. [Liberal Avenger]
* Republican bloggers “declare war on the Republican Leadership of the United States House of Representatives.” [Red State]
* Hilary is stealing all Barry’s best zingers. And by zingers we mean pointless clichés. [Election Central]
* Sam Brownback ends up in tears when his memorized sports analogy backfires. Stick to the show tune metaphors, Sam. [AP]
* Navy still thinks Muslim pilot is dangerous, but will let him be a wingman anytime. [Blackfive]
* White dudes run shit, jam up your teevee on Sundays talking about it. [Media Matters]

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Your typical social conservative hates Mitt Romney, loves anonymous sex with other costumed social conservatives. Pic credit: The Examiner.

Last week brought CPAC, a sort of Star Trek convention for conservatives, to DC. And with CPAC came the conventioneers, the costumed idiots, the presidential candidates, the sycophants, and the alcoholics just looking to get drunk on Grover Norquist’s tab.

An extremely bored booth employee BlackBerry’d us an exclusive CPAC report on Saturday. After the jump, see what you missed over at the OmniShoreham.

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* The beginning is nigh. [Casual Catharcism]
* The end is nigh. [DCist]
* Join DC Drinking Liberally, the DNC and the New Organizing Institute for a happy hour tomorrow night. [DCDL]
* Prepare to be exterminated, pedestrian. The master has a plan for you. [DC sidewalk blog]
* “We need White People Month.” [A 'Feel Good' Production]
* Blogger bravely digs out a few other bright, clean and articulate African-Americans to tell the grand kids about. [The Latest Obsession]

Morons on the Dancefloor

The Late Night Shots kids held their Christmas party at The Guards in Georgetown last night. Wonkette was… well, not there, no. We’ll do almost anything for the amusement of our readers, but when we drink with douchebags for the sake of material we like them to be douchebags you guys have heard of.

Thankfully, a Wonkette Operative was there, and she/he even took some pictures. Our op speaks, after the jump.

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* The Wall Street Journal knows that raising the minimum wage is unnecessary as long as the great wealth producing engine that is Burger King keeps humming along. [Sadly, No!]
* Justice Department argues that children must have access to online breasts. [Slashdot]
* Barack Obama’s having a hard time walking around, what with Mike Huckabee swinging from his nuts and all. [Political Insider]
* Malkin embarks on her blond admonition tour. [Michelle Malkin]
* Walnuts McCain uses Jedi mind tricks on Silvestre Reyes: “You want to increase the number of troops in Iraq, you want to tell the media John McCain is the no-nonsense maverick who gave you this idea.” [Political Animal]
* Being investigated by the FBI is no bar to Congressional leadership positions, as long as you’re white. [TPM Muckraker]

John Edwards, the ambulance chaser-turned-Senator-turned-next President of Make Believe America, hired former Michigan Rep. David Bonior to run the 2008 campaign he hasn’t announced yet. Bonior ran for Governor back in ‘02 and lost, embarrassingly. In the words of our Detroit Operative, MORE »

How’s being back in the office? Shitty, huh? Did you have a nice Thanksgiving? Did you hook up with your cousin? Was it good? Since you’ve been gone, there has been a major infiltration of turbos on Late Night Shots. Our golden boys and girls are handling it, well, with humor:

RE: Saturday at K St
Posted By: Jake LaMotta on 11-27-2006 10:41 am Report as shockingly offensive

anybody know how to make 15 pounds of fat attractive?

…put a nipple on it.

Follow Intern Lauren into the world of racism, incest, ski bunnies and gourmet nuts (they really do make the perfect gift) after the jump.

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The forums at Late Night Shots have been fizzling out lately. They’ve started censoring themselves, and the posters are listless. Spelling still stumps them, however, and just last week someone declared that “Carmen Santiago” was the second best computer game. You don’t know what you’ve got til’ it’s gone, huh? Intern Lauren learns about internet censorship, why ethnic names are bad names, and what charity is really for, after the jump.

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