Tag: white house

Ted Cruz Suddenly Has A Problem With Law-Breakin’ Freedom Fighters, Weird

Ted Cruz, America's greatest defender of True Patriots who know Big Government is not the boss of them, at least when it comes to the homosexbian stuff, has found the one battle against tyranny that makes his bacon-wrapped freedom pole go limp: Republican...
By the time you see this, I will have had my first Crimmus!

Anna Duggar Wants You To Read Your Weekly Top Ten

Happy day after Christmas, Wonk-Wonks! Did Santa bring you all the dildos you asked for? Gee whiz, we hope so, but probably not, because you're reading this right now. Maybe you can find some at fire sale prices at...

Congress Votes To Keep America Running For At Least One More Year, Hooray!

In an exciting plot twist no one could have predicted, Congress decided to do its job -- and just in time for everyone to take the rest of the year off! (Haha, if you are a member of Congress....

Garbage Free Beacon Writer Writing Garbage About The Obamas’ Dog

The hallowed halls of our Presidential palace hide a malicious secret: Portuguese Water poops. Washington Free Beacon writer Elizabeth Harrington is furious over the grave indecency of a fluffy housepet being a BAD GIRL and making pooeys all over the...
MC FLOTUS

Michelle Obama Doing Gangsta Rap Again

Oh, that Michelle Obama is at it again! She has been the scourge of wingnuts for years now, saying they should be healthy and drink water and eat vegetables instead of whatever cheesy fried butt lard they usually eat. And in...

Congress Votes To Crap Its Pants, Surrender To ISIS

In an inspiring act of defeatocrat cowardice, the House of Representatives voted Thursday to pass its emergency OH GOD NOT ANOTHER ORWELLIAN-NAMED BILL, the SAFE Act, to let ISIS know good job, guys, you're winning, keep up the good work! The...
A power bottom for your gay love, and also your dollars.

Ted Cruz Challenges Rapscallion ‘President’ Obama To Fight Club Him To Death

OH MY STARS, there is going to be a duel on the White House lawn at high noon, and it is going to be PEW PEW! and big man arms flexing and afterward all the women will be sexed...

Lying Liar Carly Fiorina Lied Many Lies At The Debate, And That’s No Lie

That debate Tuesday night sure was somethin'! It was like, you know, Republicans, on a stage, and they were on the Fox Business Network, and there were questions and even commercial breaks with trailers for Michael Bay's Benghazi!!!!111!! film...

Look How Obama Ruined The GOP Primaries With All These New Jobs

Well, ferret nuts. Guess the GOP is going to have to figure out another reason to claim President Obama is the worst President Obama who ever presidented like a common Obama. After years of calling Obamacare a "job-killer" and promising that if...
Thanks General Washington! Now we can mention your slaves again!

Just Gonna Do Some Light War To Syria, That Should Fix It

After announcing that our War on Terror has gone so well in Afghanistan, we're going to change our return flight and stay just a little bit longer, the White House announced Friday we're sending Special Operations troops to sprinkle democracy in Syria...

Why Republicans And CNBC Can F*ck Themselves Right In the Free Market

On Wednesday, Americans watched the third Republican presidential debate. Well, some Americans, anyway. The ones who could afford it. Because, in case you needed reminding, freedom isn't free. And neither was access to a debate among contenders to be the next leader of...
RNC Chair Reince Priebus

Dear RNC: Stop Bitching About Last Night’s Debate Questions. You Sound Like A Idiot.

Wednesday night's (very dumb) CNBC Republican debate had barely ended before the RNC and individual campaigns were whining and kvetching -- to reporters, their moms, to Pinterest, and everywhere else -- that the questions were SO MUCH UNFAIRNESS to the brilliant...
And then the bartender says to the neutron, 'For you, no charge!'

Hero Nerd Science Teen Ahmed Mohamed Visits White House, Doesn’t Blow It Up

Texas nerdboy Ahmed Mohamed, who was arrested in September when school officials and the Irving Police Department decided his alarm clock inside a pencil case looked like a hoax bomb, finally got to meet President Obama Monday night at...
Probably just peed next to a transgender.

Wisconsin Will Heal Pain And Suffering Caused By Transgenders Doing Potty

In Tuesday night's Democratic debate, candidates were asked what the greatest problem facing our nation is, and they said things like "Ay-Rabs" and "nuculars" and "global warming, WHEEEE!" But they are all wrong. As all good Christian Americans know,...
The sleepiest little candidate

Ben Carson Has More Thoughts About Muslims. They Are Dumb, Racist Thoughts.

Last week, Ben Carson, who is currently just about tied with Donald Trump as the frontrunner for the Republican nomination, laid some of his doctorin' knowledge down about how we can't ever elect a Muslim president, because "Constitution" reasons....
If anyone knows Catholicism, it's Mike Huckabee the Baptist preacher

Mike Huckabee Excommunicates Obama For Inviting Sodomites To Meet Pope

Like many rightwingers who have felt the need to turn Pope Francis's U.S. visit to into a campaign talking point, Mike Huckabee is really offended on behalf of Pope Francis, because Barack Obama went and invited some LGBT guests...