Tag Archives: white house

  jenna bush stole my i.d.

Barack Obama Gives Sweet Father’s Day Interview To World’s Best Interviewer … Jenna Bush

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy There’s been a lot of tsuris in the comments this week, because we have been ragging on Chelsea Clinton for being terrible at the job she apparently got paid one-and-a-half New York Times editors to “work.” Read more on Barack Obama Gives Sweet Father’s Day Interview To World’s Best Interviewer … Jenna Bush…
  it's in the reach of my arms

NRO Remembers Maya Angelou’s Greatest Accomplishment: Guns

We know we already posted one tribute to Maya Angelou today, but Yr Wonket is nothing if not fair. You see, we listed a number of her achievements — “poet, essayist, actress, memoirist, historian, educator, civil rights advocate, Poet Laureate, excellent human being” — but darned if we didn’t leave out her most important attribute, which thankfully has been identified by Tim Cavanaugh at the National Review Online: “R.I.P., Maya Angelou, Proud Gun Owner and User.” Because when you think of Maya Angelou, the first thing you think of is her dedication to the Second Amendment. Read more on NRO Remembers Maya Angelou’s Greatest Accomplishment: Guns…
  the marching morons

Operation American Spring Will Bring 10-30 Million Patriots To DC Friday, If You Include Imaginary Friends

There’s a new billion-moron march in town, if by “new” you mean “they’ve tried this before,” and if by “billion” you mean “a few hundred,” and if by “moron” you mean “moron.” But they’re definitely on their way, and Friday is the day they are going to scare that Kenyan Usurper fellow right out of “OUR WHITE HOUSE.” All ten to thirty million of them, give or take 9.9999 to 30 million or so. Read more on Operation American Spring Will Bring 10-30 Million Patriots To DC Friday, If You Include Imaginary Friends…
  suck it reagan

Obama Desecrates Reagan’s Adulthood Home With Solar Panels Because He Is A Dumb Hippie

So we all know that President B. Barry Bamz hates St. Ronald Reagan, right? It is clear, established fact that everything Nobummer does is directly related to desecrating the memory of Reagan’s lifetime of achievements. Remember when Obama was going to tear down Reagan’s childhood home using only his testicles as wrecking balls? Well apparently desecrating Reagan’s childhood home was not enough, and Obama has to go and try to wreck Reagan’s adulthood home, per WaPo: The White House has completed installing solar panels on the First Family’s residence, a process it started back in 2010. Next thing you know, he will acknowledge the existence of AIDS or something!  Read more on Obama Desecrates Reagan’s Adulthood Home With Solar Panels Because He Is A Dumb Hippie…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly March Through The Marshes Of Madness

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we scrape the dumbest possible news leftovers off our overheated browser tabs, blend them into an almost-digestible slurry, and serve them up to you with a muffin and a warning to imbibe heavily. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly March Through The Marshes Of Madness…
  clipbait

French First Lady Stephen Colbert Presents: Shep Smith Describing White House Food

French President Francois Hollande visited les Etats-Unis flying solo, but the White House solved its State Dinner protocol problem: with no presidential spouse to seat next to Michelle Obama, they gave the spot to Stephen Colbert, who gracefully proclaimed himself First Lady of France. Hope some White House staffer gets a promotion for that. On Wednesday’s show, Colbert had entirely too much fun showing off his invitation, his souvenir menu, and photos of himself at the event. Read more on French First Lady Stephen Colbert Presents: Shep Smith Describing White House Food…
  clickbait

The Year In Rightwing Media, Simplified

Time’s Zeke Miller tweetered this adorbs little photo from June as part of a year-end skim of the White House Flickr stream. Photographer Pete Souza’s note: “The President called me over to pose for a photo with a young boy who had fallen asleep during the Father’s Day ice cream social in the State Dining Room of the White House.” So it’s not hard to imagine how this pic might hit the world of rightwing media. Twitchy: “SNAP! Obama caught shaming small child forced to attend White House propaganda event” Gateway Pundit: “Typical: Obama inserts himself into other people’s Fathers’ Day celebration” Read more on The Year In Rightwing Media, Simplified…
  this guy sucks harder than a drunk rick santorum

Pardon Us If We Are Mistaken, But Might Darrell Issa Possibly Be Trying To Sabotage Efforts To Fix Obamacare Website?

So last week we told you how Darrell Issa was being a total dickhole, which is only natural for one who has been projectile vomited from the dark depths of Satan’s nether-regions. Well, Issa followed through on his threat to subpoena Todd Park, the chief IT guy at the White House who is feverishly working to fix the healthcare.gov website. In an apparent attempt to be hipster-ironic, “Issa said Park’s “long history of involvement in the development and rollout of HealthCare.Gov” made his testimony crucial to ensuring the site gets fixed, according to The Hill. However, what might actually help ensure the site gets fixed would be to #LetToddWork. Yes, it’s a hashtag and a website and a movement and possibly a revolution, so let’s sexplore.  Read more on Pardon Us If We Are Mistaken, But Might Darrell Issa Possibly Be Trying To Sabotage Efforts To Fix Obamacare Website?…
  little pink houses for you and me

Gay Obama Gonna Make The White House Pink Tonight, For Gayness, Breast Cancer, Whatever Same Thing

Gay Barack Obama, who is definitely and 1000 percent totally gay, is going to make the Black House White House pink tonight, because of how he is really absolutely supergay. Tourists may do a double take when they pass by the White House on Thursday. Read more on Gay Obama Gonna Make The White House Pink Tonight, For Gayness, Breast Cancer, Whatever Same Thing…
  won't anyone think of the vegetables?

White House Vegetable Garden Going To Seed, But Where’s The March For That?

Amid the other atrocities occurring as a result of the gummint shutdown, count the White House vegetable garden a casualty. Politico reports on a story by food blogger Eddie Gehman Kohan, who reviews the damage: “The vegetables filling the 1,500 square-foot plot are now rotting away on the vines and in the boxed beds, thanks to the mandate for ‘minimal maintenance’ placed on the skeletal crew of National Park Service gardeners who remain on duty at 1600 Penn.,” Worse, gangs of squirrels, alleged to be associated with Tree Party activists, have moved aside the teensy weensy barriers around the garden and are having a field day pillaging the cherry tomatoes, as seen in the photo above. (Their itty bitty protest signs are still more accurately spelled than those outside the White House, however.) Read more on White House Vegetable Garden Going To Seed, But Where’s The March For That?…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compendium of Cads, Creeps, and Crazies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, that weekly big ball of wadded-up idiocy from our inbox that was too stoopid to ignore altogether, but that didn’t quite merit a full-length Wonket post. Up first, a quick visit to that land of fiscal restraint, North Carolina, where Gov. Pat McCrory presided over a 2013 legislative session that raised taxes on the poor and cut them on the rich, resulting in a projected $2 billion cut in state revenues over the next five years. The revenue loss will require huge cuts for social programs and public schools — after all, what can go wrong when you slash school budgets, anyway? — but times are hard, and you gotta be careful not to waste the taxpayers’ money. Which is why it only makes sense that Gov. McCrory is going to spend $230,000 on “remodeling bathrooms in his private living quarters at North Carolina’s Executive Mansion.” Sound like they’ll be really nice once the work is done: Planned upgrades include new marble, tubs and fixtures for six bathrooms on the upper floors of the Victorian-era home in Raleigh. We aren’t sure we can be too angry about this, though, since the last time the bathrooms in the Governor’s Mansion were refurbished was in the 1970’s. Gov. McCrory shouldn’t have to deal with all those fixtures in Avocado and Harvest Gold. Besides, there’s probably some extra costs involved in making sure the bathrooms aren’t compliant with Sharia law. You can’t be too careful about these things. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compendium of Cads, Creeps, and Crazies…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Slog Through The Slushpile

Welcome to a Gummint Shutdown Edition of the Derp Roundup, your weekly accumulation of asinine asshattery from the aether that was too stoopid to ignore completely but that we weren’t inclined to waste a full-length post on. To start off, let’s do a little bit of mythbusting! We caught Tucker Carlson’s Home for Lying Liars in a bit of a lie! On Wednesday, the Daily Caller proclaimed, based on a single photograph apparently, that Washington DC’s monuments and memorials were all kept open during the 1995/96 shutdowns: The administration’s decision to barricade the Lincoln Memorial marks the first time in its history the memorial has been totally off limits to visitors during a shutdown. As proof, they offer a photo of the interior of the Lincoln Memorial in 1995, showing that the information booth was closed, but tourists were still able to enter the memorial. It took us all of seven minutes,* however, to find this photo from the Denver Post showing a Park Service Police officer standing in front of a completely closed Lincoln Memorial on November 15, 1995. The AP slideshow also includes a photo of the fenced-off National Christmas Tree — with nary a single Republican congresscritter tearing down the fence while decrying Bill Clinton’s War on Christmas. And the Washington Post also has a photo of tourists leaving the Lincoln Memorial as it was being closed down on November 14. So, yeah, Daily Caller – utterly unprecedented.** At least they didn’t argue that Clinton never closed the World War II memorial in 1995-96.*** Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Slog Through The Slushpile…
  also obama has never been vetted

Drudge Sirens! Twitchy Discovers That Executive Branch Runs Parks, So Shutdown All Obama’s Fault

The good folks at Michelle Malkin’s Home for Aggrieved Aggregators have made a shocking discovery! House Republicans did not shut down the park service, and in particular did not shut down the World War II Memorial on the National Mall. Turns out the orders to shut out WWII vets came directly from Barack Obama himself! And they have statements from a Park Service spokeslady, even: Stephen Hayes @stephenfhayes: At the WWII Memorial, Carol Johnson w/the Park Service says they were told to close the site by White House’s Office of Management & Budget. Kathleen McKinley @KatMcKinley: There it is. The White House Office of Management & Budget ordered the closing of the WWII Memorial. Disgusting. Yep, there it is. Harry Reid can point his grotesque fingers at the GOP all he wants, but the order to close the World War II Memorial reportedly came straight from the executive branch. We would like to congratulate the Twitchers for their sleuthing. Never mind that it’s Congress’s job to ensure that government is funded — once the money was no longer authorized, it was indeed the Office of Management and Budget (which manages federal facilities) that told the Park Service to shut down parks and monuments in DC, doubtless because Barack Obama Hates America’s Troops. Read more on Drudge Sirens! Twitchy Discovers That Executive Branch Runs Parks, So Shutdown All Obama’s Fault…
  also: monsters

PSA: We Should Not Call Republicans ‘Terrorists’

Oh noes, a White House guy said about the Republicans that you don’t negotiate with people with bombs strapped to their chests, and the Republicans are Having Sad! We agree! Just because John Boehner is demanding that Mitt Romney’s entire economic agenda be implemented in order for the Republicans to even consider allowing us to pay debts we’ve already incurred is no reason to call them “terrorists.” That is mean to terrorists haha just kidding OR ARE WE??? What should we be calling the Republicans instead? Read more on PSA: We Should Not Call Republicans ‘Terrorists’…
  Hoser of the Year

Why I, United States Senator Ted Cruz, Don’t Want to Be Canadian Anymore

“Senator Ted Cruz, who recently discovered that he is likely a Canadian, must win security clearance from Canada’s spy agency, fill in a four-page form and then wait up to eight months to sever his ties to America’s northern neighbor…. “A person giving up citizenship must be Canadian, prove they are or will become a citizen of another country, not live in Canada and not be a security threat. They must also explain in writing why they don’t want to be a Canadian any more.” -Reuters, 8/20/2013 Dear Prime Minister Stephen Harper: I hereby renounce my citizenship in the nation of Canada. While I do not recognize the authority of Canada’s government, I understand you require me to explain my reasons for wanting to sever ties to your so-called country. Frankly, it is Canadians who ought to explain why they want to continue being citizens. But I will humor you, if only for your own edification. Read more on Why I, United States Senator Ted Cruz, Don’t Want to Be Canadian Anymore…
  barking mad

Obamas Acquire Adorable New Focus For Wingnut Outrage

Here is your new White House puppy, America. Her name is Sunny, and like Bo, she is a Portuguese water dog. The Daily Caller has pointed out that she was “born in 2012 in Michigan, where the unemployment rate was 8.8 percent last month.” In a very funny joke, the Daily Caller adds, “The Obamas do not have any white dogs.” Are there jokes in the comments about Obama eating the dog? Why, yes! Yes there are! And now we can look forward to twice as many bullshit stories about the costs of transporting the dogs in their “very own” airplane. Read more on Obamas Acquire Adorable New Focus For Wingnut Outrage…
  she also never silenced her cell phone

Mean Old Bat Barbara Bush Cries At Civil Rights Movie, Suggesting Deep Empathy For Fictionalized Black People

Director Lee Daniels has a new movie coming out in a couple weeks, and in addition to the excellent news that it will have a considerably shorter title than his last one, we also learn from Politico today that it had the power to make Barbara Bush cry. After getting a fan email from the former First Lady telling him that she was a huge fan of Precious, Based on the Novel Push By Sapphire and Screened On Our Blu-Ray Player in Kennebunkport By That Nice Young Man What Was His Name Again? Daniels brought a copy of his new film, The Butler, to screen for the Bushes in Maine a few months ago. They liked it, he says. But he would say that, wouldn’t he? Read more on Mean Old Bat Barbara Bush Cries At Civil Rights Movie, Suggesting Deep Empathy For Fictionalized Black People…
  mickey mouse is registered there also too

Barack Obama Personally Doing All The Voter Fraud, All By Himself

Here is a funny thing! Last week we got a hilarious tip on a bunch of balderdash emanating from the Free Republic, from whom is lost in the mists of time, so we will say “from VodkaGoGo,” about how OMG “Barry Soetoro” is registered to vote at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, because Barack Obama is the least competent vote frauder EVER. And we were going to do some dumb thing on it, but then there was news, so we said, “eh, this one will keep for a slow news day.” WELL THAT SLOW NEWS DAY IS TODAY! Because now it is not just the Freepers, but all the rightwing internet friends who are breathless and Bachmann-eyed in reporting this big get, and they are like “DON’T BELIEVE US? ENTER THIS INFO INTO THE VOTER REG WEBSITE YOURSELF!” and we did, and there’s nothing there, lol. Read more on Barack Obama Personally Doing All The Voter Fraud, All By Himself…
  lady porn

Sorry About Your Ovaries, America

Hey ladies. Were your ovaries a little too unexploded? Do you hate walking around with your parts all intact? Well, here is Barack Obama putting a baby in you, with voodoo, even though you don’t have ovaries anymore because of how he just broke them. Now you have your own black, Asian (?) Obama baby, if you steal it. And him. Read more on Sorry About Your Ovaries, America…
  It's R-Money's America; We Are Just Living In It

Newly Published Documents Detail Romney’s Specific Plan to Ruin White House, Country

What exactly would a Romney presidency have been like? Yes, of course it would have been horrible, we know that. But in what specific WAYS would have it been horrible? See, now we know the answer to this question, because Romney Readiness Project, the Republican candidate’s transition organization (known in certain circles as R2P) has published a 138-page report detailing how it prepared for a potential Romney victory. From Time: “The White House staff is similar to a holding company” read one PowerPoint slide, which would have been presented to President-elect Romney as part of an expansive briefing on the morning after Election Day. It went on to list three main divisions of the metaphorical firm: “Care & Feeding Offices,” like speechwriting, “Policy Offices,” like the National Security Council, and “Packaging & Selling Offices,” like the office of the press secretary. This was the view of the Presidency Romney would have brought with him to Washington, a glimpse of the White House that never was — and plan that never saw the light of day. Read more on Newly Published Documents Detail Romney’s Specific Plan to Ruin White House, Country…
  But no golf for you!

White House Tours Now More Important Than Eating, Praying, Pretty Much Everything In Universe

Does anyone know what the greatest threat to our Republic is today? Could it be the ever-expanding power of the unitary executive? Income inequality? Exploding health care costs? High unemployment? Marshmallows? No, silly Wonket. Everyone knows it is spending. Specifically spending on the White House by King Obama XVI and his wife Michelle Antoinnette, who love to use taxpayer money for fancy vacations and four-star chefs and their own private plane. If standing in long airport lines and having our genitals cupped by lonely TSA agents “providing security” is good enough for us plebiscites, it should be good enough for you, Nobama! Read more on White House Tours Now More Important Than Eating, Praying, Pretty Much Everything In Universe…
  one nation under dog

Fox News Host Reveals Dastardly Obama Plan To Replace Christian God With Bo The Dog

The Obama White Black Muslim House is sending out a “holiday” card (not a CHRISTMAS card, despite the fact that CHRIST IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON except for Hanukkah but that doesn’t count because unlike Christmas it’s just a random religious holiday that marketers got their hands on) that prominently features their hypoallergenic dog deity, Bo. The 2012 White House “Holiday” card spotlights the Obama’s family Portuguese water dog — instead of Christmas. The black and white illustration was designed by Iowa artist Larassa Kabel and shows Bo the dog, wearing a scarf, while  frolicking in the snow on the South Lawn of a blurred White House. The inside of the card reportedly reads, ”This season, may your home be filled with family, friends, and the joy of the holidays.” The card is signed by the entire First Family — along with Bo’s paw print. Let’s realize what the holidays are really for: bundling up your family in matching clothes, making them sit uncomfortably for half an hour in a Sears photo studio, then sending out a meticulously detailed letter listing every banal accomplishment of your empty suburban lives to people you haven’t talked to in months. Read more on Fox News Host Reveals Dastardly Obama Plan To Replace Christian God With Bo The Dog…