The last time a cell phone rang during a White House press conference, Robert Gibbs just took that damned device and gave it to the CIA, for torture. But Barack Obama is too cool for that. He just looks disappointed, with America, and then jokes about how pathetic the White House correspondents are, to be downloading duck ringtones. Oh and this is some kind of talk to the gays? [Gawker/YouTube]

While Republican dads dump their unwanted wives and unloved children at a vacation home somewhere and then fly to Argentina on the taxpayer’s dime to tearfully commit adultery for years, Democratic wonder-dad Barack Obama continues to outrage the family-hating wingnut blogosphere by keeping various “promises” made to his “happy” children, such as “I’ll get you a hypoallergenic dog carefully bred by Portuguese robot-monks” and “I’ll build you the fanciest backyard swing set ever, and it won’t look anything like those tacky day-glo molded plastic travesties most kids are stuck with, if they’re lucky enough to have a playset at all.” [White House Flickr]

Ted Kennedy’s gift horse Texan Water Monster, “Bo Hussein Obama,” now has his own crappy print-and-save “baseball card” from the White House, hooray for civil rights! Just, uh, print it out at work — don’t let Liz Becton catch you! — and, oh we don’t know just probably throw it away. Bo loves tomatoes and brylcreem and long walks on the lawn with what’s his name. [Flickr]

Chicago crime boss Michelle Obama wasted no time turning the once-pristine White House grounds into a foul “organic garden” filled with marijuana and other arugula. Children from a local elementary school were shipped over in FEMA trailers and forced to sample the “good for you” delicacies. In other words, the first harvest from the Nobama Nationalized Yard Garden was a great success! [Flickr/NYT The Caucus]

President Obama, the consummate host and entertainer, loves to have guests at his fancy DC mansion. But who are these guests, and why do they visit? Are they there for, like, orgies, or to lobby him on “clean coal” technology? A LADY NEVER TELLS. MORE »

Remember when poor street hustler Barack Obama had big old holes in the soles of his Florsheim salesman shoes? Here’s a new arty sex photo by White House pornographer Pete Souza, and the shoe soles maybe have holes, still? Or are the shoes just blurry to fuck with your minds? Or, is America finally officially bankrupt, a terrible The Road hellscape where even the rich young president staggers through life with hobo shoes? (Also, note how he is on the phone with Benjamin Netanyahu, and making the “Bibi’s got a little bitty dick” hand signal.”) [White House Flickr]

Here’s Barack Obama captured in a touching moment of wishing the hell he was somewhere else, maybe piloting a spaceship or eating hamburgers with oceans of dijon or just getting so high on the beach. [White House/Pete Souza]

NBC News is airing some thing tonight and tomorrow night called “INSIDE THE OBAMA WHITE HOUSE: Brian Williams Reports.” It will be just like Jackie Kennedy showing American television viewers her French drapes and knowledge of French literature, but different! NBC wanted two things for this special: several minutes of Ted Kennedy’s Portuguese dog doing cute dog stuff in the hallways, and a few seconds of Rahm Emanuel being mean but not mean-mean. Here’s the latter! The camera crew just stands awkwardly in Rahm’s office, in silence, until finally he tells them GTFO. [MSNBC]

A bunch of kids from Virginia went on a field trip to get a tour of the White House, but they got there late, and the President had a play date with the Pittsburgh Steelers so the White House was closed and all the children cried, which was exactly what he wanted. [NBC Washington]

• BOMB WASHINGTON NOW: “With an impressively straight face, Rep. Steven LaTourette (R-Ohio) walked up to Rahm and said something that began with ‘you mother’ followed by a number of bleeped out expletives, according to eyewitnesses. Emanuel responded by giving LaTourette a friendly punch in the stomach, followed by a handshake.” [Washington Post]

While we do not condone presidential participation in the idiot follies of the White House Correspondents Association Dinner, which should end each year with the detonation of a dozen limo bombs, we have not run any photos this year of the president having diplomatic talks with a comical pirate, so here it is. [Pete Souza/White House]