Tag Archives: white house

  When will the gay terrors cease?

Dead Breitbart Real Upset How Gay Rainbow Flag Murdered Those Marines In Chattanooga

The threat is real.
Ever since June 26, the day which will live in infamy, when the Supreme Court gave America the right gay throatcramming she deserved, wingnuts have been observed in various states of utter, pants-shitting meltdown. And much of it, against the backdrop of the death of the Confederate flag, has centered on the gay rainbow, and how it is lynching the good American Christians, and how the White House did a 9/11 to the world when it was lit up in rainbow colors. Truly we are living in tragic days. Read more on Dead Breitbart Real Upset How Gay Rainbow Flag Murdered Those Marines In Chattanooga…
  Meanest dad ever

Tyrant Dad Barack Obama Won’t Let His Girls Text At Dinner Table, IMPEACH!

No fair, why does HE get to use his phone and we can't? MOM!
BARACK OBAMA IS THE MEANEST DAD IN THE WORLD, YOU GUYS. Why? Uh, because his daughters are never going to be popular, like ever, because what if Chrissy texts one of them like “Hey Malia we’re nominating you for the popularity contest but you have to respond to this text within 10 minutes, otherwise we’re nominating you for the dork contest and you win LOL emoji emoji emoji,” but mean President Dad says no phones at the dinner table, GOD DAD, MY LIFE IS RUINED FOREVER: Read more on Tyrant Dad Barack Obama Won’t Let His Girls Text At Dinner Table, IMPEACH!…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Sarah Palin Declares Independence From Pretending To Be Employed. Your Weekly Top Ten.

THE CUTEST.
Hey Wonkers, happy Fourth of July weekend and shit! Do you need a nap? We sure do! Let’s all snuggle dressed like burritos after we read this post, like Wonkette baby, pictured above. (Did you SEE Editrix’s baby pictures post this morning? If you didn’t, you should go look at it!) Read more on Sarah Palin Declares Independence From Pretending To Be Employed. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  How was YOUR dumb week?

Barack Obama’s Terrible, Horrible, Badass, Balls Out Rager Of A Week

Editrix can have Old Handsome Joe Biden, we like Sexy Obama.
Oh look at the White House all BRAGGIN’ and shit. That Nice Time video above was provided to yr Wonkette (and by “provided,” we mean we went to the White House website and copied the embed code) as a way of illustrating how Barack Obama just had one of the most badass weeks of his entire presidency, a week bigger than the best weeks of Sarah Palin’s, Ronald Reagan’s, your mom’s, and Jesus’s presidencies COMBINED. Read more on Barack Obama’s Terrible, Horrible, Badass, Balls Out Rager Of A Week…
  the apocalypse starts right here right now

Flatworms, Flesh-Eating Bacteria And Rick Scott (But We Repeat Ourselves): Your Florida Roundup

The South Gon’ Rise Again (in a not-racist way this time, honest)
Greeting, Wonketteers. Are you ready to take a well-deserved break from your buttsechs gay marriage orgies and sojourn with me down to Your Very Favorite Land of Snakes and Swamps, a dystopian hellscape that not even Wes Anderson could make adorable? Sure you are! Let’s get to it. Read more on Flatworms, Flesh-Eating Bacteria And Rick Scott (But We Repeat Ourselves): Your Florida Roundup…
  Heroism Nice Time

Two WW I Heroes Finally American Enough To Receive Medals Of Honor They Earned

Ina has what Rachel Maddow would call a Muppet Smile there
Two heroes of World War I were finally recognized Tuesday by President Obama at the White House; the president presented the Medal of Honor posthumously to Private Henry Johnson and to Sergeant William Shemin, whose heroism in battle was impressive, but who were, respectively, too black and too Jewish to be awarded the nation’s highest military honor while they were still alive. We’re looking forward to the inevitable complaint from Bryan Fischer that the medals were feminized or something. Read more on Two WW I Heroes Finally American Enough To Receive Medals Of Honor They Earned…
  bless their dumbass hearts

Fox & Friends: Hillary Clinton Can’t Talk Southern, She Only Lived In Arkansas 18 Years!

One dipshit, two dipshit, three dipshit ...
Let’s Make A Stupid about Hillary Clinton, with the cast of teevee’s Fox & Friends. You see, Wednesday, Hillary Clinton spoke in South Carolina, and not only did she make a joke about how her hair won’t go white in the White House, because she’s been coloring it for years (it was actually pretty funny!), but she said it in a Southern accent, FAKER!!!! She also said that she ate chicken and waffles, which is an obvious lie because Hillary Clinton only eats at Chipotle, and she doesn’t tip. The Fox & Friends couch … well, let’s just say her accent confused them very much. Read more on Fox & Friends: Hillary Clinton Can’t Talk Southern, She Only Lived In Arkansas 18 Years!…
  Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump!

Donald Trump Demonstrates Presidential Restraint By Not Screaming At Crying Baby

Listen up, you Messico losers!
Put this guy next to the big red nuclear button, everyone! Donald Trump was speaking to some Iowa Republicans at Wartburg College, and there was a baby, and it was crying, and guess what? Trump did not lose his cool. He did not yell. He did not rage. His hair did not shoot right off his head and into neighboring Nebraska, propelled by the smoke coming out of his ears. He didn’t even make fun of the baby! You know why? Because Trump. Trump. TRUMP! Read more on Donald Trump Demonstrates Presidential Restraint By Not Screaming At Crying Baby…
  Tucker Carlson is gonna FREAK OUT

Trans People To Rampage Through White House ‘Gender Neutral’ Potty. Hide Your Kids!

Relax, Tucker. You can do this. Just think of waterfalls.
Oh, no, Tucker Carlson is going to be so scared and threatened next time he has to pee when he’s in the White House! Talking Points Memo reports that, in keeping with the Obama administration’s constant obsession with destroying the traditional family, the White House will be installing a gender-neutral bathroom onsite: Read more on Trans People To Rampage Through White House ‘Gender Neutral’ Potty. Hide Your Kids!…
  Reagan didn't die on the cross for this!

Russia’s In Ur White House Computers, Snoopin All Ur Sextings

Look, Natasha! Is Taco Tuesday every week!
CNN reported Tuesday that Russian hackers broke into an unclassified White House computer system last fall, and while they didn’t break into any classified systems, they still “had access to sensitive information such as real-time non-public details of the president’s schedule,” which security expert people told CNN is “still highly sensitive and prized by foreign intelligence agencies[.]” What we really want to know, though, is whether the Russkies had access to scheduling advice given to President Obama by his astrologer. Read more on Russia’s In Ur White House Computers, Snoopin All Ur Sextings…
  George Stephanopoulos's questions have a well known liberal bias

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence: I Proudly Signed Some Anti-Gay Sh*t I Don’t Understand

I am a deeply stupid man, I am the biggest idiot, I am the worst governor of any of the states, and that is saying something.
Mike Pence Is Not Here To Answer Questions Indiana governor Mike Pence is either a deeply stupid man, or he’s been convinced that the deeply stupid Good Christians of his state are truly facing dire harm from having to provide services to, or acknowledge the existence, of LGBT people. Or he’s just a liar. According to the available evidence, the answer is “all of the above.” Pence spent the weekend standing athwart intelligence and screaming “STOP!”, most notably on the George Stephanopoulos Sunday Teevee Funtimes Mimosa Hour, where he attempted to defend his decision to sign Indiana’s new Fuck The Gays bill, known by its supporters as a totally necessary safeguard protecting their precious religious freedom. Read more on Indiana Gov. Mike Pence: I Proudly Signed Some Anti-Gay Sh*t I Don’t Understand…
  That's Right You're Not From Texas

Ted Cruz Explains Why No One Likes Him

Nope
Walking bag of petulance Ted Cruz explained on CNN Sunday that he’s plenty likable, but the fools in Washington are simply too detached from Real America to recognize that simple fact. State of the Union host Dana Bash reminded the senator from Alberta that he’s “not the most popular person” in the Senate — even among Republicans: Read more on Ted Cruz Explains Why No One Likes Him…
  What -- no lube?

Republican House Passes Budget Bill To Screw America Because Screw You, America!

He really loves us
It was just a week ago that House Republicans introduced their latest scheme to screw America, which they charmingly call the Balanced Budget for a Stronger America. It would not actually balance the budget (unless you do some fancy magic “math” to it, which does not work in the real world, sorry) nor does it make America stronger, but come ON, it’s got a nice-sounding name, isn’t that enough? Read more on Republican House Passes Budget Bill To Screw America Because Screw You, America!…
  Probably doesn't want to do flower arrangements for gay weddings

There Goes Michelle Obama, Murdering The White House Florist Again

Michelle Obama looks happy, but she is ANGRY ABOUT FLOWERS.
The Washington Post is a-buzzing, due to the fact that the White House Head Florist, Laura Dowling, has left, and nobody will say why: [T]he recent exit of head florist Laura Dowling, who’d been in the job since 2009, has been a much quieter affair. So hush hush, in fact, that most outside of 1600 Penn knew nothing about it. There’s still no official comment on why Dowling is no longer at the White House, but according to a source with close ties to current residence staffers, she was escorted from the building on Friday Feb. 13. When asked why she doesn’t come do nice flowers at the White House anymore, Dowling issued a statement THROUGH HER LAWYER: Read more on There Goes Michelle Obama, Murdering The White House Florist Again…
  in his majesty’s secret service … chug chug chug!

Secret Service Bros Drunk Drive Into White House Barricades. Party On!

Have you ever wondered, when they’re not scoring those sweet, sweet South American hookers or being generally incompetent, what Secret Service agents do for fun? Sure you have. Well, it turns out they behave just like the rest of us — at least, like the rest of us did when we were drug-addled, brain-dead college freshman. Read more on Secret Service Bros Drunk Drive Into White House Barricades. Party On!…
 

Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!

Screw you, huddled masses
Wednesday was supposed to be the day President Obama officially rolled out the Kenyan welcome mat for all them illegals who’ve already snuck across our border to infect us with diseases and their strange foreign languages. But oh no, you can un-unfurl that Hispanic flag over the White House, Mr. Thinks He’s So President, because United States District Judge Andrew S. Hanen has put a stop to that nonsense, at least for now. Read more on Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!…