Tag Archives: white house

  What -- no lube?

Republican House Passes Budget Bill To Screw America Because Screw You, America!

He really loves us
It was just a week ago that House Republicans introduced their latest scheme to screw America, which they charmingly call the Balanced Budget for a Stronger America. It would not actually balance the budget (unless you do some fancy magic “math” to it, which does not work in the real world, sorry) nor does it make America stronger, but come ON, it’s got a nice-sounding name, isn’t that enough? Read more on Republican House Passes Budget Bill To Screw America Because Screw You, America!…
  Probably doesn't want to do flower arrangements for gay weddings

There Goes Michelle Obama, Murdering The White House Florist Again

Michelle Obama looks happy, but she is ANGRY ABOUT FLOWERS.
The Washington Post is a-buzzing, due to the fact that the White House Head Florist, Laura Dowling, has left, and nobody will say why: [T]he recent exit of head florist Laura Dowling, who’d been in the job since 2009, has been a much quieter affair. So hush hush, in fact, that most outside of 1600 Penn knew nothing about it. There’s still no official comment on why Dowling is no longer at the White House, but according to a source with close ties to current residence staffers, she was escorted from the building on Friday Feb. 13. When asked why she doesn’t come do nice flowers at the White House anymore, Dowling issued a statement THROUGH HER LAWYER: Read more on There Goes Michelle Obama, Murdering The White House Florist Again…
  in his majesty’s secret service … chug chug chug!

Secret Service Bros Drunk Drive Into White House Barricades. Party On!

Have you ever wondered, when they’re not scoring those sweet, sweet South American hookers or being generally incompetent, what Secret Service agents do for fun? Sure you have. Well, it turns out they behave just like the rest of us — at least, like the rest of us did when we were drug-addled, brain-dead college freshman. Read more on Secret Service Bros Drunk Drive Into White House Barricades. Party On!…
 

Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!

Screw you, huddled masses
Wednesday was supposed to be the day President Obama officially rolled out the Kenyan welcome mat for all them illegals who’ve already snuck across our border to infect us with diseases and their strange foreign languages. But oh no, you can un-unfurl that Hispanic flag over the White House, Mr. Thinks He’s So President, because United States District Judge Andrew S. Hanen has put a stop to that nonsense, at least for now. Read more on Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!…
  A Noun A Verb The Constitution

Rand Paul Has A Shotgun For Your Drone, Buddy

you just keep your drones offa my lawn!
Rand Paul has some important thoughts about privately owned drones: He will blow them away with the Constitution and a shotgun. CNN did something they called a “Historic Snapchat Interview” with Rand Paul, using a popular phone app, which was such a huge success that to allow people to actually view the damned thing, they filmed it with a conventional video camera: Read more on Rand Paul Has A Shotgun For Your Drone, Buddy…
  It's so crazy it just might work

Genius Independent Panel Recommends Secret Service Not Suck So Much

New beefed up security plan for the White House
Photo by Gideon/Flickr Hey, remember how the Secret Service has been kind of sucking at doing its job of keeping uninvited guests from jumping the White House fence and walking right through the front door like it’s no big? In November, the White House conducted its own obviously biased investigation to figure out just how Omar Gonzales was able to pull off the nearly impossible magic trick of getting so close to the president of the United States of America that he could practically smell what the president had for breakfast that morning: Read more on Genius Independent Panel Recommends Secret Service Not Suck So Much…
  It’s like they think they’re black or something

Racist Obamas Try To Start Race War On Whitey By Talking About Being Black

always talking about race all the time
Ugh, the so-called “first family” is trying to start a race war — again! Like it’s not bad enough that President Obama is always injecting race into statements about how if he had a black son, his son would be black, which serves no purpose other than inciting White Man’s Fury on Fox News. Or how Michelle Obama has been injecting race into trying to keep our fat-ass kids from dropping dead from their strict diets of soda and cheesy poofs — by being black. Read more on Racist Obamas Try To Start Race War On Whitey By Talking About Being Black…
  strange fruit

These Real Patriotic Americans Just Want To Hang Obama From A Tree Is All

KKKlassy
Everyone knows that it was Jesus who wrote the Constitution, and what better way to exercise your biblical rights to petition your government than to gather half a dozen like-minded ‘Mericans outside the White House to have a good chuckle about killing the president? Read more on These Real Patriotic Americans Just Want To Hang Obama From A Tree Is All…
  Hide the children

Obama Will Indoctrinate Your Kids With Non-Biblical Computer Programming

What terrible things is President Obama doing to the children — what are our future — this week? Encouraging them to learn how to do science-y things with computers, which we can all agree is terrible because if God wanted us to know how to use computers, he would have written the Constitution in biblical code. Read more on Obama Will Indoctrinate Your Kids With Non-Biblical Computer Programming…
  sucks to be you

Obama Taps Some Nerd To Babysit Wars For Next Two Years

Some guy, who knows?
Ever since the White House told Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel to GTFO, pretty much every potential replacement for the job has been busy shouting “Not it!” Because really, what sane person would want the thankless job of overseeing our various international clusterfucks? After, that is, undergoing what would inevitably be an excruciating confirmation process with the soon-to-be Republican-controlled Senate, who will oppose anyone nominated by Obama because ugh, Obama. Heck, even the Senate Republicans were none too thrilled when the president nominated Chuck Hagel, who had been one of them because ugh, Obama. Read more on Obama Taps Some Nerd To Babysit Wars For Next Two Years…
  In the LIne Of...Fire All These Idiots

Secret Service Even More Clusterf**ked Than We Thought

This is a big dumbfuck deal
Just in case you were waiting, the other shoe in the Secret Service Keystone Kops saga has dropped. This dumb scandal is starting to look like Imelda Marcos’s closet. The White House did a big internal review, and some kind soul leaked a copy to the New York Times. In addition to all the crap we knew already about the guy who jumped the White House fence, sprinted across the lawn, made it through the front door, and was only tackled because an off-duty Secret Service agent was visiting, now we also learn that the incident involved some radio failures, agents goofing off on the job, and just plain lax security. Read more on Secret Service Even More Clusterf**ked Than We Thought…
  Very Serious Journalism

Dumb White House Spokesman Cannot Even Answer Simple Question What A Jerk

OMG, you guys, the White House is in total denial about the results of Tuesday’s election, but thankfully, the Very Serious Journalists of the White House press corps are ON IT. And Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Home For Cocaine-Fueled Journalismists is ON THEM being ON IT, thank Jesus. Read more on Dumb White House Spokesman Cannot Even Answer Simple Question What A Jerk…
  secret Squirrel service

Wingnuts Pretty Mad At Obama For Letting Himself Be Killed Like That

Everybody needs a nap now and then
This Secret Service thing, huh? It’s quite a mess, and by golly, the right is just outraged that the agency is doing such a crappy job of defending the president they hate. Thank heavens they know who’s responsible for the security lapses: That feckless dictator Barack Obama, who just can’t do anything right except take away all our liberties and make us live in a police state that is nonetheless not very good at keeping the president of the United States. Read more on Wingnuts Pretty Mad At Obama For Letting Himself Be Killed Like That…
  paging channing tatum

Secret Service Didn’t Notice Bullets Hit White House, Is That Bad?

Clint! Clint! Clint!
Sometime today Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, will sit at a witness table in front of the House Oversight Committee and its chairman, the always execrable Rep. Darrell Issa, and try to answer a few questions. Such as, what the fuck is wrong with the Secret Service? Do we have to bring Clint Eastwood in to squint at everyone until they clean up their act? Which we would hate to do, since the last time we saw that guy, he seemed to have lost his mind. Read more on Secret Service Didn’t Notice Bullets Hit White House, Is That Bad?…
  only sexists talk about sexism

Senate Republicans Stand Up For Ladies’ Right To Be Paid Unfairly

hey, friends, Mitch here to lawsplain some stuff for ya
Ladies of America, are you feeling that warm reassurance you get from having manly champions who will fight for you in the halls of power? Pack your sunglasses because no matter what the weather, a sickly orange glow of self-congratulation will be coming your way from the Senate Republicans following their fourth consecutive filibuster of the Paycheck Fairness Act on Monday. Read more on Senate Republicans Stand Up For Ladies’ Right To Be Paid Unfairly…
  Are you sure they said today?

Hundreds of Patriots, Cleverly Disguised As Tourists, Rally For Impeachment At White House

At noon on Saturday, the Real Americans of the greater Washington, DC metropolitan area were set to celebrate National Impeach Obama Week by meeting at the White House to call for the immediate impeachment of Kenyan Usurper President Barry Soetoro. The Wonket Washington Bureau readied full team coverage and had the interns price out some down-market gas masks, expecting a constitutionally righteous mob of sign-wielding activists surging forward against a line of police officers summoned from surrounding jurisdictions. Read more on Hundreds of Patriots, Cleverly Disguised As Tourists, Rally For Impeachment At White House…
  jenna bush stole my i.d.

Barack Obama Gives Sweet Father’s Day Interview To World’s Best Interviewer … Jenna Bush

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy There’s been a lot of tsuris in the comments this week, because we have been ragging on Chelsea Clinton for being terrible at the job she apparently got paid one-and-a-half New York Times editors to “work.” Read more on Barack Obama Gives Sweet Father’s Day Interview To World’s Best Interviewer … Jenna Bush…
  it's in the reach of my arms

NRO Remembers Maya Angelou’s Greatest Accomplishment: Guns

We know we already posted one tribute to Maya Angelou today, but Yr Wonket is nothing if not fair. You see, we listed a number of her achievements — “poet, essayist, actress, memoirist, historian, educator, civil rights advocate, Poet Laureate, excellent human being” — but darned if we didn’t leave out her most important attribute, which thankfully has been identified by Tim Cavanaugh at the National Review Online: “R.I.P., Maya Angelou, Proud Gun Owner and User.” Because when you think of Maya Angelou, the first thing you think of is her dedication to the Second Amendment. Read more on NRO Remembers Maya Angelou’s Greatest Accomplishment: Guns…
  the marching morons

Operation American Spring Will Bring 10-30 Million Patriots To DC Friday, If You Include Imaginary Friends

There’s a new billion-moron march in town, if by “new” you mean “they’ve tried this before,” and if by “billion” you mean “a few hundred,” and if by “moron” you mean “moron.” But they’re definitely on their way, and Friday is the day they are going to scare that Kenyan Usurper fellow right out of “OUR WHITE HOUSE.” All ten to thirty million of them, give or take 9.9999 to 30 million or so. Read more on Operation American Spring Will Bring 10-30 Million Patriots To DC Friday, If You Include Imaginary Friends…
  suck it reagan

Obama Desecrates Reagan’s Adulthood Home With Solar Panels Because He Is A Dumb Hippie

So we all know that President B. Barry Bamz hates St. Ronald Reagan, right? It is clear, established fact that everything Nobummer does is directly related to desecrating the memory of Reagan’s lifetime of achievements. Remember when Obama was going to tear down Reagan’s childhood home using only his testicles as wrecking balls? Well apparently desecrating Reagan’s childhood home was not enough, and Obama has to go and try to wreck Reagan’s adulthood home, per WaPo: The White House has completed installing solar panels on the First Family’s residence, a process it started back in 2010. Next thing you know, he will acknowledge the existence of AIDS or something!  Read more on Obama Desecrates Reagan’s Adulthood Home With Solar Panels Because He Is A Dumb Hippie…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly March Through The Marshes Of Madness

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we scrape the dumbest possible news leftovers off our overheated browser tabs, blend them into an almost-digestible slurry, and serve them up to you with a muffin and a warning to imbibe heavily. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly March Through The Marshes Of Madness…