Tag Archives: westboro baptist church

  After we stopped crying we started giggling

Wingnuts Very Upset That Gay Jihadists Just Did 9/11 To America

HELP, JESUS!
When news broke that the Supreme Court had forcibly crammed gay marriage down the throatholes of every God-fearing American, our first instinct (AFTER CRYING) was go check Bryan Fischer’s Twitter-Twatter page. And he had said nothing! “WAKE UP, BRYAN FISCHER!,” we said to no one in particular, but apparently we successfully summoned the demon, because HOLY SHIT Y’ALL, he is having a meltdown of the most beautiful, epic proportions. Let’s point and laugh as Bryan Fischer explains how gay jihadists have just done a whole new 9/11 to America: Read more on Wingnuts Very Upset That Gay Jihadists Just Did 9/11 To America…
  Live Long And Fester

Westboro Baptists Beam Down To Wrong Coordinates, Miss Spock’s Funeral

God hates logic
While Vulcans would never stoop to the human emotional response of laughter, we know that Spock would wryly raise an eyebrow in appreciation of the absurdity (no, not irony, don’t you dare say it was ironic) of the Westboro Baptist Church’s failure to follow through on its threat to picket Leonard Nimoy’s funeral. The Westboros said they just plain couldn’t find the funeral’s location. Read more on Westboro Baptists Beam Down To Wrong Coordinates, Miss Spock’s Funeral…
  Sex Farm. Kansas

Kansas Lets Its Freak Flag Fly

Don't act like you're not impressed
The horses are thoroughly spooked in Kansas, where the Westboro Baptist Church is turning over a new leaf just in time for a giant state-sanctioned dildo sale. Local sources say it’s still unclear whether a state-sanctioned dildo sale is part of the National Socialist platform, but the facts are clear, according to the Kansas City Star. Read more on Kansas Lets Its Freak Flag Fly…
  we're super thanks for asking

Super Gay Super Nice Time: Principal Comes Out To Students, Irritates Westboro Church To No End

Welcome to June! June is the most homosexxican month ever, thanks to Stonewall actually factually having happened at the end of the month and all, so there is much Gay Proudness throughout the entire 30-day span. Thankfully, that affords us many opportunities for nice time, and we need some fucking nice time. Washington D.C.’s Wilson High School brought us some gay-flavored nice time yesterday, when their school principal came out to his students during their Gay Pride Day celebration. Read more on Super Gay Super Nice Time: Principal Comes Out To Students, Irritates Westboro Church To No End…
  buh-bye

Fred Phelps Is In Heaven Now, Calling The Apostles Faggots

Wait, you are saying, how could the world’s most out-and-proud bigot, who purposely inflicted emotional pain on the innocent, be in HEAVEN? Wonket, this must be that “satire” or “snark” of which we’ve heard so much? Sorry dudes, but according to our junior high nuns, if you act according to your sincere beliefs, you are not a sinner, and you get to enjoy eternal bliss at the feet of the Father, whether you are Catholic, Hindoo, Godless atheist, or Fred Phelps. And if Fred Phelps did anything, it was act according to his sincere beliefs. Since our nuns — who showed us Romero, told us sex was a beautiful gift from a loving God, and were general all-around-communists who were right about everything — were obviously (like we just said) right about everything, what does that mean for the “Reverend” Fred Phelps’s enjoyment of eternal love? Let’s fagsplore. Read more on Fred Phelps Is In Heaven Now, Calling The Apostles Faggots…
  thanks a lot obama

What If Fundamentalist Christians Cared About Other Things God Hates?

Like most of you, I do find fundamentalist Christians amusing, like clowns. Such merry puppets, spinning around and around!  Sometimes, however, it seems like they’ve gone into reruns: it’s all gays, gays, gays, and fetuses, fetuses, fetuses all the time, tsk. Our beloved Jesusy minstrels need some fresh material! What’s really a shame is that all the new material they need is right there in the Bible. There are soooo many things other than hairdressers and dead zygotes that God hates! Lucky for you I’ve got the Wonkette Time Scoop™ available, so we can peer into an alternative universe where Christians do spend more time hating these other, neglected things to hate, for Jesus. Unfortunately, the Wonkette Time Scoop™ kind of sucks, and all it can get from this unnervingly familiar parallel world is a few screen shots. Join me after the jump for a look! Read more on What If Fundamentalist Christians Cared About Other Things God Hates?…
  masters of sects

Porn Band Videos Nekkid Bass Player On Westboro Baptist Church’s Lawn, Shocking No One

In a fortuitous conjunction of publicity whores, Get Shot!, a California band billing itself as “the sleaziest punk band in the world,” has shot a two-minute video of its bass player lying on a blanket and masturbating on the lawn of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas — the “God Hates Fags/America/Puppies” loonies. Internet reaction appears to span the entire range from “ha-ha” to “meh.” Someone, somewhere was probably shocked, although the allegation has yet to be proved. Read more on Porn Band Videos Nekkid Bass Player On Westboro Baptist Church’s Lawn, Shocking No One…
  baptize your dead! baptize your dead!

Gay Satanists Pull A Romney All Over Fred Phelps’s Mom

Do you see these pretty ladies kissing, on the grave of Fred Phelps’s mom? Well, BOOM! Now she is gay, in the afterlife. It is true, according to the Satanic Temple, and if you can’t believe the Satanic Temple, who can you believe? But is there more? Yes, there is more! Read more on Gay Satanists Pull A Romney All Over Fred Phelps’s Mom…
  american heroes

Your Monday Nice Time: Teamster Thugs Block Westboro Idjits From Victim’s Funeral

The God-Hates-Everyone (‘Cept For Me And My Monkey) crowd from Westboro Baptist Church announced on Twitter that it planned to picket the funerals of the Boston Marathon bombing victims this week, so members of Teamsters Local 25 sent out a call for any available members to shield today’s services for Krystle Campbell in Medford, Massachusetts. Basic human decency won out: the Boston Globe reports that hundreds of counter-protesters gathered across the street from the church where the memorial for Campbell was held, but that the Westboro protesters never showed up at all. Read more on Your Monday Nice Time: Teamster Thugs Block Westboro Idjits From Victim’s Funeral…
  you can check out any time you like

Wait A Minute, Did You Know The Westboro Baptist Church Girls Are Super Pretty?

So today Buzzfeed is all “Blah blah blah these girls left the Westboro Baptist Church and are sort of vaguely sorry they hurt people’s feelings when they screamed God hates fags a million times per second and also Muslins and Amerikkka.” But did Buzzfeed miss its own scoop? Yes. (Well, also it missed this guy’s scoop.) And that scoop is that Megan Phelps-Roper and her sister Grace are totally beautiful. See that video? That is them, just cold bein’ stunning and pre-Raphaelite. Like, really pre-Raphaelite. Like, they should be washing their creamy breasts beside a sparkling stream, their shimmering hair unbound to their waists, because maidens. Like, AMERICA FUCK YEAH! Even our cults are full of the hottest chicks! Read more on Wait A Minute, Did You Know The Westboro Baptist Church Girls Are Super Pretty?…
  also 'the jews'

Wingnuts Can’t Even Agree On Best Way To Hate Fags Anymore

As we at Wonkette are obviously a pro-family, conservative Christian news establishment, we long for the days when Americans of all stripes could come together to show our mutual disdain for the Homosexican Agenda, but now that ‘Murka has gone and voted for the black guy again, our coalition is broken and fractured, to the point that we cannot even agree on the best way to hate the gayness. Marry, fuck, kill? Marry, fuck, kill?! Wait, that is a different game. Here, the argument is “Should we just kill them, or should we try to perform exorcisms on them first?” The wonderful and dashing David Pakman decided to devote a segment of his radio programme to allowing wingnuts to duke it out on this very question the other day. In one corner, we have former Navy Chaplain Gordon Klingenschmitt, who lyingly lies that he was kicked out of the Navy for praying to Jesus in public, and who believes that animals become gay when human gays put Lady GaGa demons in their butts, so he’s obviously arguing for the Bobby Jindal approach to this whole problem. On the other side is Jonathan Phelps, of the Westboro Phelpses, who has slightly less shame and supports a much more Ugandan solution to gayness. Read more on Wingnuts Can’t Even Agree On Best Way To Hate Fags Anymore…
  All Over But the Shouting

Panty Prosecutor Wins, Evolution-Dumper Loses: Your Lesser Candidate Wrap-Up!

It occurred to us that we have not followed up on some very important electoral news: Namely, the fate of several candidates who nobody had ever heard of until they briefly shone in the “weird news” column, and then disappeared from view. What happened to those wackos with all their wackiness? Let it never be said that Your Wonkette doesn’t follow up! Read more on Panty Prosecutor Wins, Evolution-Dumper Loses: Your Lesser Candidate Wrap-Up!…
  Pitching Wu

Kansas School Board Candidate Will Solve Budget Problems By Eliminating Evolution

Jack Wu, an actual candidate for Kansas’s state school board, pledges on his very impressive homemade website to do something about the most serious problem facing the schools today: The current public educational system in Kansas and the United States is preparing its students to be liars, crooks, thieves, murderers, and perverts. And how will he address this specific set of issues? My mission, in running for the Kansas State Board of Education, is to throw out the crap that teachers are feeding their students and replace it with healthy good for the soul knowledge from the holy scriptures. Read more on Kansas School Board Candidate Will Solve Budget Problems By Eliminating Evolution…
  together at last

Sad Unloved Rush Limbaugh Will Not Air Ad From Only Friend Westboro Baptist Church

You’d think a guy in Rush Limbaugh’s currently rather unenviable position would take all the help he can get — but apparently he is turning down sweet sweet ad $$$ just because it comes from the patriots of the God Hates Fags Brigade. Westboro spokesman Steve Drain told Raw Story that while his organization has had their differences with Limbaugh, they were on the same page when it came to labeling Georgetown University law student Sandra Fluke a slut. “Even a blind hog can get an acorn every once in a while,” Drain explained. “We’re not aligning ourselves with Rush Limbaugh because as we say on our website about him, he wouldn’t recognize Bible truths if it were a bottle of pills sitting on his desk.” Read more on Sad Unloved Rush Limbaugh Will Not Air Ad From Only Friend Westboro Baptist Church…
  do blog ethics say we still have to link to this site?

Ku Klux Klan Distances Selves From Westboro Baptist Church, Tea Party

The Ku Klux Klan, LLC. has not or EVER will have ANY connection with The “Westboro Baptist Church”. We absolutely repudiate their tactics of protesting the funerals of U.S. soldiers, men and women who die serving our Nation. We do NOT question their Christianity or right to speak, publish or preach. We agree with many of their teachings, especially that Homosexuality is an abomination before Yahvey God the Father. Read more on Ku Klux Klan Distances Selves From Westboro Baptist Church, Tea Party…
  the special people

BREAKING: Someone’s Stopping Sarah Palin From Saying ‘God’ In Public

Today, the Supreme Court ruled unanimously in favor of the right of Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church to protest soldiers’ funerals, because we have this principle in America called “free speech.” Or rather it would have been unanimous, if the Court didn’t have remarkable civil-liberties troll Samuel Alito sitting on it. In Alito’s dissent, he said the protest amounted to “fighting words.” We have no idea how that differs from “fightin’ words” as in “them’s fightin’ words,” which we always thought were legal, albeit not too bright for a fella like yous, but we assume it’s a meaningless term Sam Alito just made up so he could give the government more power over speech. Anyway, the important takeaway is that it is now legal to say “God Hates Fags” and “God Hates Soldiers” in public, but private citizen Sarah Palin is not allowed to say “God” at all. Read more on BREAKING: Someone’s Stopping Sarah Palin From Saying ‘God’ In Public…