Despite the fact that he now leads the Democratic nomination race by every conceivable metric, Barack Obama will not be the candidate running against John McCain. Legions of Clinton die-hards will turn out in West Virginia tomorrow to stick it to MSNBC, Robert Reich, non-hard-working white people, and other members of the sexist cabal who want Hillary to throw in the towel before she has humiliated herself in all 50 states (plus Guam, Samoa, the Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, and Tatooine). MORE »

Jesus, did anybody ever like this guy? Well, whatever “good will” he established by, uh, having an affair with a fat gal in the Oval Office, that’s all long gone. Now, there is only this shouty red-faced old man who is going to personally argue with every old hillbilly lady that Hillary has carefully courted all year. [YouTube/CBS News]

John McCain yesterday said that we need the “League of Nations” to deal with pressuring Iran. The League of Nations was an international organization founded after World War I and disbanded after World War II. Today, John McCain was speaking at Wake Forest University and called it “West Virginia.” Tomorrow, John McCain will likely be so old that his skin won’t even work anymore. [via Jonathan Martin]

LET US DESCEND: A new Rasmussen poll has Hillary up 56% to 27% in West Virginia, which holds its primary next Tuesday. Aside from all the obvious reasons why the next week will suck, this should be pretty funny: if Hillary’s pretending to be slack-jawed Cletus from The Simpsons to win Indiana’s votes, in what hilarious ways will she pander to West Virginia? [Rasmussen]

Suck it, McCain! The Reverend Mike Huckabee just won the caucus in West Virginia, we think. Here’s an exclusive report from “Scott D,” our Wonkette Operative in WV: “McCain voters pushed him over 50% in the 2nd round of voting.” What does it mean? Also, Ron Paul was Eliminated. [Fox News]

What West Virginia lacks in jobs, population, and reasons to live there, it more than makes up for in receipt of shitloads of government money. So who can blame Rep. Alan Mollohan for unethically steering millions of dollars to his “poverty-ridden district” (and, uh, to his own personal poverty-ridden bank account)? Turns out lots of people can blame him for this, including the FBI, and now the House Rules Committee. MORE »

* If a Presidential campaign raises more money when the candidate doesn’t show up, should it exist? [Election Central]
* Dick Cheney shops for his extradition-free retirement pad. [HuffPo]
* Top Pentagon brass craft backup plan for an Iran invasion — codename: golf course. [American Leftist]
* Bill O’Reilly enjoys being called “a barbarian” publicly, “Barbara” privately. [C&L]
* West Virginia congressmen love to dig on swine. [Hill Blog]
* The Kucinich campaign is nothing but a song and dance show. [PrezVid]
* Campaign mangers to tire of yelling, “Get the intern to fix the fucking wiki,” before 2008 even begins. [Tech President]

It took almost a week, but They found a weird Democrat deviant for everyone to worry about! Only problem: he’s a State Senator from West Virginia (the guy on the right). And all he’s done is traipse around naked, covered in body paint, with a bunch of other men in a hotel room. Which is way funnier than Foley’s crime, and decidedly less creepy. As a State Senator from West Virginia, he should be commended for enjoying comparatively normal sexual kinks. Here’s another hilarious picture of him:

Make sure to watch the video (it involves extortion!) here. MORE »

• At 9:30 tonight, after roughly your 8th beer, the US will have been in Iraq longer than it was in WWII. This is because the Nazis were total pussies. [Ironing The Flag]

• President Bush’s high school report card shows an eager, if unfocused young learner. [McSweeney's]
• More fuel for the debate on whether life in Washington imitates The West Wing or whether The West Wing imitates life. [Blog DC]
• Michael Fitzpatrick (R-PA) has a staffer crash a conference call to pepper his opponent with petty challenges - good thing John Kerry likes watching a campaign implode as much as the next guy. [Fact-esque]
• Air America is still on the air in America, you just have to have America’s most powerful radio to hear it. [WFMU]
• Fox News lets no paranoid conspiracy theory go unreported. [YouTube]
• West Virginia: so shitty even penniless immigrants from the third world won’t live there. [MSNBC]

Above, an ad that ran in Charleston Daily Mail and the Charleston Gazette last week, while the President was visiting West Virginia for a fundraiser. John Raese, the gentleman with the, uh, big-ass gun, is challenging crazy old bat Robert Byrd for his Senate seat (which will be pried from Byrd’s cold, dead ass). MORE »

Meanwhile, Byrd’s out there signing groupies’ chests. Being the junior Senator blows. MORE »