Wonkette

Here is a map someone at Daily Kos made, and it’s not even terrifying. OK, it is obviously terrifying in several ways. It is color-coded by votes in each county — blue for Barry, red for Hillary, green for that white guy who was running like 90 years ago. Florida, appropriately, looks like a barfy member. [Daily Kos]

“Undecided voter Wanda Gibson is less than excited about both Clinton and Obama, but she actually fears Obama, because he’s black.” [YouTube]

Senator Hope might suck at bowling, but he can shoot a decent game of pool. This is because hard-working Americans long ago ceded the sport to fey intellectuals, San Francisco bike messengers, and migrant workers. Oh you want pictures of your Hopey doing the old behind-the-back shot left-handed? We got ‘em after the jump! MORE »

Hillary Clinton, that elitist former president and Ivy League feminazi, has “found her voice” with these old gals in West Virginia. Preach it, Hilz! Only black people are angry/poor, and you know what they’re doing, with the hip-hop/Ivy League vote! [AP Photo]

Obama is campaigning in West Virginia, where he will lose by 80 points because he is black, and he is wearing a flag pin. Still a terrorist! [McClatchy, Getty Photo]

Here is Our Hillary in a Denny’s or something in West Virginia, talking with some old gal about why gender should always be chosen over race. Lookin’ at you, Ms. Fake Woman, in the back. [Getty Photo]

Despite the fact that he now leads the Democratic nomination race by every conceivable metric, Barack Obama will not be the candidate running against John McCain. Legions of Clinton die-hards will turn out in West Virginia tomorrow to stick it to MSNBC, Robert Reich, non-hard-working white people, and other members of the sexist cabal who want Hillary to throw in the towel before she has humiliated herself in all 50 states (plus Guam, Samoa, the Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, and Tatooine). MORE »

Jesus, did anybody ever like this guy? Well, whatever “good will” he established by, uh, having an affair with a fat gal in the Oval Office, that’s all long gone. Now, there is only this shouty red-faced old man who is going to personally argue with every old hillbilly lady that Hillary has carefully courted all year. [YouTube/CBS News]

John McCain yesterday said that we need the “League of Nations” to deal with pressuring Iran. The League of Nations was an international organization founded after World War I and disbanded after World War II. Today, John McCain was speaking at Wake Forest University and called it “West Virginia.” Tomorrow, John McCain will likely be so old that his skin won’t even work anymore. [via Jonathan Martin]

LET US DESCEND: A new Rasmussen poll has Hillary up 56% to 27% in West Virginia, which holds its primary next Tuesday. Aside from all the obvious reasons why the next week will suck, this should be pretty funny: if Hillary’s pretending to be slack-jawed Cletus from The Simpsons to win Indiana’s votes, in what hilarious ways will she pander to West Virginia? [Rasmussen]

Suck it, McCain! The Reverend Mike Huckabee just won the caucus in West Virginia, we think. Here’s an exclusive report from “Scott D,” our Wonkette Operative in WV: “McCain voters pushed him over 50% in the 2nd round of voting.” What does it mean? Also, Ron Paul was Eliminated. [Fox News]

What West Virginia lacks in jobs, population, and reasons to live there, it more than makes up for in receipt of shitloads of government money. So who can blame Rep. Alan Mollohan for unethically steering millions of dollars to his “poverty-ridden district” (and, uh, to his own personal poverty-ridden bank account)? Turns out lots of people can blame him for this, including the FBI, and now the House Rules Committee. MORE »

* If a Presidential campaign raises more money when the candidate doesn’t show up, should it exist? [Election Central]
* Dick Cheney shops for his extradition-free retirement pad. [HuffPo]
* Top Pentagon brass craft backup plan for an Iran invasion — codename: golf course. [American Leftist]
* Bill O’Reilly enjoys being called “a barbarian” publicly, “Barbara” privately. [C&L]
* West Virginia congressmen love to dig on swine. [Hill Blog]
* The Kucinich campaign is nothing but a song and dance show. [PrezVid]
* Campaign mangers to tire of yelling, “Get the intern to fix the fucking wiki,” before 2008 even begins. [Tech President]

It took almost a week, but They found a weird Democrat deviant for everyone to worry about! Only problem: he’s a State Senator from West Virginia (the guy on the right). And all he’s done is traipse around naked, covered in body paint, with a bunch of other men in a hotel room. Which is way funnier than Foley’s crime, and decidedly less creepy. As a State Senator from West Virginia, he should be commended for enjoying comparatively normal sexual kinks. Here’s another hilarious picture of him:

Make sure to watch the video (it involves extortion!) here. MORE »