Huzzah for the Can-Do spirit of Americans, who continue to just pile on the pounds despite the nation’s crushed economy. Turns out you don’t need much money to become obese! And without jobs, Americans have more time than ever to sit in front of teevee eating another bucket of corn-syrup taco-ball cheezey-poop pasta-bowl Grease Dipperz™. So, let’s all give a KFC double-drumstick round of applause for Mississippi, with a literally staggering 32.5% of its population medically obese. Second prize (a truckload of trans-fat soaked Chocohoglick-brand chocolate-flavored Globulez™) goes to West Virginia, Alabama and Tennessee, each boasting obesity rates of 30% or higher. MORE »

A couple of weeks ago the McCain campaign launched “Citizens for McCain,” an initiative headed by anarchist Sen. Joe Lieberman and designed to woo disenchanted Democrats towards WALNUTS! Let’s put that in better perspective: a Democratic-caucusing Senator and former Democratic vice presidential candidate is literally leading the effort to bleed the Democratic party to death. But Grampa Joe is not alone! Over the weekend, the McCain campaign released a list of 30 “prominent Democratic and unaffiliated leaders and activists who have joined ‘Citizens for McCain.’” One of the Important Leaders on the list is “Former Democratic gubernatorial candidate Philip Frye (West Virginia).” It turns out that this “Philip” — pictured here — prefers “Icky” over his Christian name, and ran for governor of West Virginia as a Democrat, as a stunt, to piss off Governor Bob Wise, who was sleeping with his wife. Joe Lieberman should just quit now, because he won’t find any Democratic leaders more Prominent than this guy. MORE »

In his best move as vice president since that time he shot an old man in the face with a shotgun, Dick Cheney joked about West Virginian hillbilly incest today at the National Press Club. And now everyone in West Virginia is pissed beyond belief at the vice president, whose long record of lookin’ out for the little man and his farm now comes into question. MORE »

You should really check out this column that’s been floating around since last week, if you have not yet done so: “A full-blooded American.” Random columnist Kathleen Parker quotes a 24-year-old West Virginian who said he will vote for John McCain over Barack Obama because he would be more comfortable with “someone who is a full-blooded American as president.” Kathleen Parker, um, agrees, noting that “it’s about blood equity, heritage and commitment to hard-won American values. And roots,” that makes certain candidates “get” America. This Kathleen Parker is actually married to Lord Voldemort. [Jewish World Review via Matt Yglesias]

So what was the worst story for Barack Obama last week? Losing West Virginia, probably? That means it’ll have to be the topic of New York Times “lightning rod conservative” columnist Bill Kristol’s latest fare. In today’s column, Kristol makes fun of Obama’s massive defeat among Bitters in West Virginia, while making another terrible error in the process. MORE »

Hardball is exhilarating right now. Pat Buchanan is screaming at Chris Matthews about patronizing to West Virginia, calling him a dick, and Chris Matthews is telling Pat Buchanan that he’s a has-been racist sympathizer. Somehow this is about John Edwards, Son of the South. Just thought it was worth sharing.

Oh my god Pat Buchanan is so mad. This is comedy gold, run to the teevee! UPDATE: Here’s some video, which cuts out many of the best parts, but also includes many of them. MORE »

Uhh… why was there a dead girl lying on the floor of a Clinton rally in West Virginia yesterday? Did an emaciated Hillary need an emergency glass of children’s blood to drink before speaking? She needs to stop doing this! But it is Hillary, and she cannot. After the jump, the pantsuit from Hell. MORE »

AND ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS BECOME A RACIST: “Sen. Clinton’s Mountain State blowout was only her second such landslide victory in the 51 primaries and caucuses to date.” [Wall Street Journal]

Barack Obama is going to win in Oregon as big as Hillary won in West Virginia, but it will count for twice as many delegates. Also, he won the nomination. Still, he has to keep campaigning because Hillary will never ever quit the race, so he had to do this depressing Q&A with one of the “alt-weekly” papers in Portland. If you thought alt-weeklies were the last refuge of aging grunge losers, this interview really isn’t going to change your view. MORE »

Mary Lou Retton also hails from the fair state of West Virginia. And if Hillary Clinton were an athlete, she would be Mary Lou Retton in a fetching flag-themed leotard. What does Mary Lou Clinton have to say to the voters of West Virginia? Click the clicky and find out! MORE »

Look, we speak Bitterese: Hilry done gone inna West Virginnie done won it ‘gainst the colored man. Colored man naw gon win no West Virginnie, haw haw, yeeeeesh siree. Done hear Hillary lost big ‘lection already, but we ain’t ne’er votin’ no Mooslim terror-starter inna our WHITE House. Don’t make none sense like, but I guess not much do these a’days. MORE »