Tag Archives: welfare

  a feature not a bug

If Kansas Jumped Off A Bridge, Would Other States Do It Too? Apparently Yes!

That bridge sucked anyway.
You may be familiar with the state of Kansas, where Governor Sam Brownback and the ruling GOP have conducted what Brownback has called a “great experiment” in conservative economics. They’ve radically slashed income taxes, especially for top earners, on the theory that liberating this money will supercharge the economy; businesses will flock in, new jobs will be created, and an orgy of private sector commerce will fill the budget hole caused by the tax cuts. Read more on If Kansas Jumped Off A Bridge, Would Other States Do It Too? Apparently Yes!…
  the fault in our stars and bars

Fine Mississippi Gentleman Lawmaker Definitely Not Racist About Welfare And ‘The Blacks’

he steams nice.
Mississippi state Rep. Gene Alday (R-Circa 1844, Most Other Years) is not a fan of a new state education bill under consideration, which would prevent third grade students from advancing to the fourth grade if they don’t reach a certain reading proficiency level. Why? Read more on Fine Mississippi Gentleman Lawmaker Definitely Not Racist About Welfare And ‘The Blacks’…
  ain't no poors on ole rocky top

Tennessee Continues Long Tradition Of Hurting Poors, Totally Sucking

Volunteer this. Stupid poors.
Last year, Tennessee (state motto: We’re Vaguely Rectangular!) got into the hot new game of drug testing welfare recipients to make sure that none of them were spending their time having any fun. Because what good is having poor people if you can’t systematically scold and humiliate them for being poor? Now the results of the first six months of testing are in, and how are they? A rousing success, if your definition of success is busting a whopping 0.2 percent of people who applied for public assistance. Read more on Tennessee Continues Long Tradition Of Hurting Poors, Totally Sucking…
  Look how easy it is to be poor!

Rich People: Being Poor Sounds Easy, Let’s Not Be Poor, Though

Being rich is fun, but being poor is way easy
image via Rich Kids Of Instagram Tumblr Here is a terrible thing for you to read, and it is about how rich people have an extremely fucked up view of poor people, so if you don’t want to have to punch your fist through a window in the next five minutes, you should probably just go watch internet videos of cats riding around on roombas. The Pew Research Center released some data recently about politics and financial security, and it was horrible in all of the ways. But one of the worst conclusions was this: Read more on Rich People: Being Poor Sounds Easy, Let’s Not Be Poor, Though…
  Burning Issues: The Week In Weed

House Passes ‘No Welfare For Weed’ Bill, Which Fails To Ban Welfare For Weed

After coming back from a five-week “district work period” for eight action-packed days of legislating, members of the House and Senate went slinking out of DC on Thursday while mumbling over their shoulders that they’d be on email if anything should come up before the midterm elections. No worries, since all the important stuff got done: both chambers passed a stopgap funding bill to avert a shutdown showdown until just before Christmas, Trey Gowdy got to have all his friends over for his Benghazi Party, and the House of Representatives even found time to pretend they banned people who get government assistance from buying marijuana in those heathen enclaves where such a thing can be done legally. Read more on House Passes ‘No Welfare For Weed’ Bill, Which Fails To Ban Welfare For Weed…
  don't call it a comeback

Scott Walker Will Fight For Wisconsin’s Right To Collect Poor People’s Pee

Scott Walker, locked in a tight race for his second term as governor of Wisconsin, wants his constituents to know he’s committed to their conservative Midwestern values. It’s all right there in his campaign’s new manifesto, “Continuing Wisconsin’s Comeback”: If you give him four more years, he promises to cut property taxes, celebrate deer hunting heritage, supervise manly red-hot iron pours, and relentlessly pursue the urine of the state’s unemployed. Read more on Scott Walker Will Fight For Wisconsin’s Right To Collect Poor People’s Pee…
  hair of the blog

Arizona Schools Chief Apologizes, Has A Good Cry, Will Never Surrender, Won’t Stop Believin’

Arizona Superintendent of Public Instruction John Huppenthal held a news conference Thursday where he apologized — an actual “I’m sorry” apology, not a “sorry you were offended” apology — and “renounced and repudiated” his anonymously posted comments on political blogs, saying that the comments had been hurtful and that the revelation that he’d written them had damaged the state Department of Education. Oh, and while he is really sorry about all the racisming and hammering on the dirty poors, he’s also not going to step down, because something something honor, something something duty to the children. And then he broke into tears —  Glenn Beck would envy that weeping — and was escorted gently away from the podium by an aide. That’s shows how much He Cares. Read more on Arizona Schools Chief Apologizes, Has A Good Cry, Will Never Surrender, Won’t Stop Believin’…
  we had a better class of underclass back then

Ben Carson So Glad His Welfare Mom Wasn’t Dependent On Government

Doctor Ben Carson, the neurosurgeon who thinks Obamacare is the worst thing since slavery, went on “The View” Tuesday and explained how we can Save America: “We have to help re-educate people about what America is,” a turn of phrase surely that no wingnut would ever freak out about. Perhaps camps could even be provided for the purpose. And what you need to do to help people realize their dream is to free them from the government’s neo-Marxist welfare teat. And what greater waste of human potential is there than the enslavement of getting help with food and healthcare? Luckily Dr. Carson can explain for us why welfare and food stamps that helped him as a child were the good kind of welfare and food stamps, as opposed to the moocher 47 percent freeloader kind you get today. Read more on Ben Carson So Glad His Welfare Mom Wasn’t Dependent On Government…
  having a ball

Cliven Bundy Supporter Threatens Harry Reid’s Magnificent Yarbles

Oh man, guys, this Cliven Bundy thing is getting out of control. Despite his blatant racism and strong desire for the government to keep their hands off his welfare cattle, Cliven Bundy STILL has supporters. And not only do they support Bundy being a total moocher, they HATE Harry Reid. And now, these ‘domestic terrorists’ have gone one step too far: They have threatened Harry Reid’s wrinkly, hairy old-man yarbles. NOT HIS YARBLES!!1! Per Mediaite: [Mike] Vanderboegh presented an award “for incitement to civil war” in Reid’s honor and warned the senator, “Don’t poke the wolverine with a sharp stick, Harry, unless you want your balls ripped off.” We are asking Wonketeers to take one of two actions: Either send Harry Reid wolverine-resistant jock straps, or donate to the Wonket Fund To Protect Harry Reid’s Wrinkly Old-Man Nutsack (Suggested donation: $2, one for each yarble).  Read more on Cliven Bundy Supporter Threatens Harry Reid’s Magnificent Yarbles…
  cliven bundy

Not-Racist Cliven Bundy Totally Not Racist, Says Right Nice Things About The Spanishes

Wait, hold on just a minute, everybody! Turns out that Cliven Bundy is not an actual racist; he just said some stuff that the liberal media twisted all out of context to make it sound a lot more racist than it was, which was only a little bit racist, or something. Foamy exploding pigdoot Pat Dollard, the genius who thinks that we should get busy on slaughtering Muslims in the street, has exposed the liberal media plot to smear Bundy by editing his comments about “The Negro” unfairly! It turns out that when Mr. Bundy wondered whether actual slavery might not be preferable to the slavery of being on welfare (as The Negro generally is), he wasn’t merely asking about slavery’s excellent opportunities to learn valuable cotton retrieval skills; he was actually talking about bettering the condition of The Negro. Also, he said nice things about Mexicans, so he cannot possibly be a racist, now can he? Read more on Not-Racist Cliven Bundy Totally Not Racist, Says Right Nice Things About The Spanishes…
  the boors you will always have with you

Bryan Fischer Revises Christian Teaching On Wealth, Explains Poors Should ‘Kiss The Ground’ Where 1% Walk

Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth. Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!” –Mark 10:21-23 And lo, the prophet Bryan, Fischer of Men, did speak to the people Tuesday through their radios, and he did say, “Now just wait a darn minute… have you thought this through? The rich pay for everything, so just you knock off your class warfare, Jesus.” Read more on Bryan Fischer Revises Christian Teaching On Wealth, Explains Poors Should ‘Kiss The Ground’ Where 1% Walk…
  whose walmart?

Vigilante Tax Collectors Demand $7.8 Billion From Walmart At Walton Family’s Desert Fortress

It’s Tax Day, which means political entities everywhere are scrambling to graft their agendas onto something with the word “tax” in it, so people who are frantically asking their internets “what for i owe so much taxis?” will give them their email addresses. Us here, we got this nice thing in our email, says “TAXPAYERS DELIVER $7.8 BILLION TAX BILL TO WALMART CHAIRMAN”. And they did! The taxpayers went to Rob Walton’s compound in Paradise Valley, AZ, with a piece of paper, and now you are reading about it, so they did a good job. The $7.8 billion that Walmart “owes” is a figure from a report by Americans for Tax Fairness (pdf). It includes billions in welfare payments to low-wage Walmart workers, as well as money saved by exploiting accounting loopholes. Nobody would probably care much about this, except “Walmart made a $16 billion profit in 2013, and the six Walton heirs, who own more than 50 percent of Walmart shares, saw their wealth grow to $148.8 billion—more wealth than 49% of American families combined.” So there’s that. Read more on Vigilante Tax Collectors Demand $7.8 Billion From Walmart At Walton Family’s Desert Fortress…
  the crass and the spurious

Allen West’s New Book-Shaped Object Full Of Slavery And Fake Founding Fathers Quotes

Allen West’s terrible new book is finally out, although the cover photo has been kicking around since November. Frankly, when we saw articles about West’s “new book” we thought maybe this was a rushed sequel. But no, it just turns out that West’s exciting memoirfesto, Guardian of the Republic: An American Ronin’s Journey to Faith, Family and Freedom, only slithered onto bookstore shelves on April 1. Somehow, the anticipation between the release of the cover image and the actual collection of typed pages managed not to kill us. So now that the rough beast has slouched into Amazon, what is in this tome? Would you believe “fake quotes from the Founding Fathers” and “stupid slavery analogies”? We bet you would! Read more on Allen West’s New Book-Shaped Object Full Of Slavery And Fake Founding Fathers Quotes…
  yo momma

It Is Time For Paul Ryan To Stop Insulting Our Parents

Paul Ryan is in the news for lying again, and Wonkette helped break the story, go us! The Washington Post cited yr Editrix’s post about a comment on this TPM story that noted how Paul Ryan’s tale of a young boy who preferred the brown-bagged love of his parents to the hard cheese of socialism was suspiciously similar to one in this book, and good work if you followed all that. WaPo’s Glenn Kessler gave Ryan’s rotten fable four Pinocchios, because Paul Ryan is a small puppet child who talks to crickets, and also because he lies a lot. But honestly, we don’t care too much that Paul Ryan is lying. It’s Paul Ryan, after all. No, we care a lot more that he has a habit of calling our parents losers. His recent quattro pinocchio is a great example. Read more on It Is Time For Paul Ryan To Stop Insulting Our Parents…
  i will work harder!

Food Stamp Cuts Reduce Wal-Mart Profits And We’re Not Even Talking About Its Employees, LOL

Here is a fun fact: when Poors have less money, they spend less money. Also, when you give people money, they spend more money. However, when you punish  poor people by withholding their money to spend on food they have less money to spend on food, so they spend less money on food. The end result is not, as Rand Paul argued, “less slavery,”  but rather less food being sold.  Read more on Food Stamp Cuts Reduce Wal-Mart Profits And We’re Not Even Talking About Its Employees, LOL…
  at least it's an ethos

Louie Gohmert Knows Why God Sent Him To Congress: To Keep Single Moms From Getting Welfare

Oh, Louie Gohmert, you are just the greatest gift to political laughter we have ever seen. Thank goodness for your dedication to keeping the poors in their place. And in fact, in this impassioned commemoration of the 50th anniversary of Lyndon Johnson’s ‘War on Poverty’ speech, Mr. Gohmert reveals what inspired him to get into politics in the first place: not to make America a better place, but to make sure that single mothers wouldn’t get no more damn welfare, just as Jesus commanded. Read more on Louie Gohmert Knows Why God Sent Him To Congress: To Keep Single Moms From Getting Welfare…
  toking the high ground

Florida Welfare Recipients Now Welcome To Get High On Life, Other Substances

Well, here is some happy news for 2014. The GOP is losing another battle in one of it’s ongoing wars. Are we talking about the war on women? No. How about the war on health care? Nope. War on Christmas? No, not that war either (we know — so many wars to keep track of). In fact, we are talking about a 2-for-1 blow to wars on drugs and poors! According to ThinkProgress, U.S. District Judge Mary S. Scriven struck down a provision that mandated drug testing for all applicants seeking welfare in the state of Florida. There are unconfirmed reports that residents of Colorado are sending celebratory brownies to all the poors in Florida.  Read more on Florida Welfare Recipients Now Welcome To Get High On Life, Other Substances…
  the best of the worst

All Hail State Legislative Sh*tmuffin Of The Year, Tennessee Senator Stacey Campfield!

A big congratulatory rubber-gloved handshake to Tennessee state Sen. Stacey Campfield, our inaugural winner of the Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award, State Legislator Division. And indeed, who more fitting than the very man who inspired the creation of the award? And so we doff our leather kitten headgear to you, Insert Name Here Stacey Campfield, for outstanding achievement in the field of trying to make life miserable for the people of State Tennessee. Read more on All Hail State Legislative Sh*tmuffin Of The Year, Tennessee Senator Stacey Campfield!…
  Oh! Sweet Nuthin'

GOP Way Too Busy To Fix $5 Billion Food-Stamp Cut

The House is calling it a session today and won’t resume tormenting us until November 12, praise The Great Pumpkin. In the meantime, an automatic, across-the-board $5 billion reduction in the SNAP food assistance program will take effect November 1, when a provision of the 2009 stimulus expires. Obviously it makes zero sense to let this happen — unemployment is still high, wages are still low, the economy is still barely growing, and SNAP is an “effective and efficient” palliative for all these problems, so naturally “GOP leaders are struggling to come up with an agenda to fill the 19 legislative days that are left in 2013.” (It turns out blocking all NOBAMA’S appointments doesn’t take up too much time!) We could hem and haw about this per usual, but instead let’s imagine what we’d say if we actually believed all the GOP’s intellectually and morally bankrupt arguments against helping poor people buy small amounts of food. We already feel dirty! Alright, ready? Deep breath, clear your mind, you are now… a wingnut. Read more on GOP Way Too Busy To Fix $5 Billion Food-Stamp Cut…
  get your teabagger bingo cards ready

Deleted Comments of The Day: How Many Stereotypes Can You Fit Into One Paragraph?

Sometimes when we open up the ol’ comment queue, that limbo where new would-be Wonketteers must first prove they are neither spam nor complete teabagging idiots, we feel like the Medieval Marxist’s wife: “Oooh, Dennis! There’s some lovely filth down ‘ere!” And so it was with two messages from “JustinHuman,” who just wanted us to know that he shares Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s disgust at all these poor people with fancy air conditioning: Sorry, but I agree with Elizabeth on this one. I work in healthcare, and it does get rather upsetting seeing all of the perfectly able-bodied young men and women who come in on disability benefits and Social Security in their 20s and 30s carrying the newest iPad while I work 6 days a week and can’t afford one. It’s infuriating to see people buying lobster and shrimp with their food stamps while I’m struggling working 2 jobs to feed my kids store brand basics. Then, I get to see them walk outside and get into their new luxury car while I hope my 96 Celica starts as it approaches the 200,000 mile mark on the odometer. “JustinHuman” has seen this, people, seen it with his own eyes, and he thinks it’s time for some class warfare on the undeserving poors. Ah, yes, we thought as we read on: there’s some lovely filth down ‘ere. Read more on Deleted Comments of The Day: How Many Stereotypes Can You Fit Into One Paragraph?…
  lucky duckies

Elizabeth Hasselbeck So Mad About All These Gross Lazy Poor People With Their Fancy ‘Television’ And ‘Cell Phones’ And ‘Food’

Elizabeth Hasselbeck is doing a pretty great job as Fox & Friends’ new Gretchen. Like, first, she totally has blond hair. Second, she is also possessed of a vag. Third, she can completely say idiotic things about whatever Fox wants her to say idiotic things about, and today that idiotic thing is the Poors. Read more on Elizabeth Hasselbeck So Mad About All These Gross Lazy Poor People With Their Fancy ‘Television’ And ‘Cell Phones’ And ‘Food’…