weight loss

FLOTUS FILES  8:44 am November 7, 2011

Michelle Obama Puts Kitchen Staff On Crash Diet

by Blair Burke

By now, we are all aware of Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move!” initiative, the thing where government officials sneak into your children’s bedrooms in the middle of the night and steal the donuts from under their pillows, leaving behind a combination of debt and misery. But what we didn’t know about was our FLOTUS’ top secret [...]

THE SEVENTH CIRCLE DIET  3:20 pm November 17, 2010

Newly Thin Dick Cheney Going To Cheat Death Forever

by Jack Stuef

George W. Bush broke ground on his presidential library of children’s book boxed-sets packed with plush characters Monday, and look who was on hand. Why, if it’s not the Angel of Death himself! Yes, Dick Cheney, who does not have a pulse, we remind you, was on hand to show everyone his hott new well-toned [...]

FORMER FIRST LADIES  11:19 am May 28, 2010

Bill Clinton Is Turning Into a Strange Old Woman

by Lauri Apple

Former president of fast food Bill Clinton is counting his calories again, because daughter Chelsea gave him “strict orders” to drop 15 pounds of pudge if he wants to watch her marry that guy Marc Mexicansky or whatever next month. Chelsea’s a tough little cookie — she gets that from her mom. She also doesn’t [...]

SO HONGRY  2:26 pm March 10, 2009

Obama Puts White House Guests On Starvation Diet

by Sara K. Smith

Rumor has it that people who have attended the White House’s many recent dinner functions are peeved that they didn’t get enough food. Apparently meals are served in “tiny little portions,” maybe in the French style? We all know that 1) Americans are too fat because their idea of portion control is confining their evening [...]

NATIONAL TRAGEDIES  4:55 pm January 12, 2009

Army Overwhelmed By Fat Recruits

by Sara K. Smith

All of the fit youngsters in America have already been sent off to War, so the only people left on the home front are pre-teens, very old people, and the obese. Various military/first responder spokespeople in this tragic AP article blame an epidemic of fat volunteers on “a lack of physical education in the high [...]


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