Tag Archives: weight loss

  Fat Blasting Brain Loss Miracle

The Snake Oil Bulletin Sifts Through The Pseudoscientific Dingleberries Of Dr. Mehmet Oz

Too old for this shit.
Welcome back, pilgrims! It’s good to see you’ve returned to your old friend the Snake Oil Bulletin, the weekly compendium of the latest horsepuckey to plop itself right here on our beloved interwebs. Now normally we focus on a smattering of stories to whet your woo woo whistle, but this week we’ve decided that special devotion should be reserved for a brave, beleaguered hero, that duke of duplicitous drivel, Dr. Mehmet Oz, MD (Malarkey Dipshit). Dr. Oz has had quite the adventure over the past year, but as you’ll soon see, it takes a lot to keep a poppycock peddler down. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin Sifts Through The Pseudoscientific Dingleberries Of Dr. Mehmet Oz…
  Inouye? Way.

Was War Hero Daniel Inouye Also That Secret Sexist Senator? NYT Says Yes!

Look, we know you were always looking for a lei...
The New York Times is pretty sure it’s outed the unidentified senior senator who grabbed Kristen Gillibrand’s waist after she’d lost some weight and chuckled, “Don’t lose too much weight now. I like my girls chubby!” According to “people with knowledge of the incident,” it was the late Daniel K. Inouye, who was a kickass war hero, civil-rights supporter and generally badass liberal in the Senate. And also, apparently, a bit on the harassy side. And no, we’re not going to make a “he was a man of his era” excuse for him, because by the time Gillibrand was elected to the Senate in 2008, Inouye certainly had seen the sexual harassment training film once or twice. Gillibrand’s office wouldn’t comment on whether the senator in the book was Inouye, but we’re going to assume — risky, we know — that the Times got it right. Read more on Was War Hero Daniel Inouye Also That Secret Sexist Senator? NYT Says Yes!…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Puts Kitchen Staff On Crash Diet

By now, we are all aware of Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move!” initiative, the thing where government officials sneak into your children’s bedrooms in the middle of the night and steal the donuts from under their pillows, leaving behind a combination of debt and misery. But what we didn’t know about was our FLOTUS’ top secret weight loss death camp that she has been running inside her own home: “Four members of the White House residence staff…have lost more than 110 pounds since July 2010.” It’s all part of her master plan: brainwash the kitchen staff and the rest will follow. Sasha and Malia, eat your Halloween candy while you still can! Read more on Michelle Obama Puts Kitchen Staff On Crash Diet…
  the seventh circle diet

Newly Thin Dick Cheney Going To Cheat Death Forever

George W. Bush broke ground on his presidential library of children’s book boxed-sets packed with plush characters Monday, and look who was on hand. Why, if it’s not the Angel of Death himself! Yes, Dick Cheney, who does not have a pulse, we remind you, was on hand to show everyone his hott new well-toned body, acquired when he ripped an Afghan’s head off in a secret prison last week. This man will always find a new way to keep his dark mind living eternally. Read more on Newly Thin Dick Cheney Going To Cheat Death Forever…
  former first ladies

Bill Clinton Is Turning Into a Strange Old Woman

Former president of fast food Bill Clinton is counting his calories again, because daughter Chelsea gave him “strict orders” to drop 15 pounds of pudge if he wants to watch her marry that guy Marc Mexicansky or whatever next month. Chelsea’s a tough little cookie — she gets that from her mom. She also doesn’t want to have to hire a cardiologist for the wedding, because they’re so expensive. So, how’s Papa Clinton’s calorie-counting going? Read more on Bill Clinton Is Turning Into a Strange Old Woman…
  so hongry

Obama Puts White House Guests On Starvation Diet

Rumor has it that people who have attended the White House’s many recent dinner functions are peeved that they didn’t get enough food. Apparently meals are served in “tiny little portions,” maybe in the French style? We all know that 1) Americans are too fat because their idea of portion control is confining their evening meal to single wheelbarrowful and 2) the Obamas are admirably fit, therefore 3) the Obamas eat like little birds and are now trying to make our nation’s legislators eat like little birds, for Health. Our nation’s legislators do not like this one bit. They would much prefer reheated Hungry Man dinners. [Taegan Goddard’s Political Wire] Read more on Obama Puts White House Guests On Starvation Diet…
  national tragedies

Army Overwhelmed By Fat Recruits

All of the fit youngsters in America have already been sent off to War, so the only people left on the home front are pre-teens, very old people, and the obese. Various military/first responder spokespeople in this tragic AP article blame an epidemic of fat volunteers on “a lack of physical education in the high schools” and “a hard time understanding a healthy diet and the importance of daily exercise.” Jesus, you know we are doomed when fucking Army recruiters sound like a pack of sissypants liberals. You also know we are doomed when the Army has literally run out of non-obese people to recruit. [AP] Read more on Army Overwhelmed By Fat Recruits…