Wonkette

* The world gathered around YouTube to “Look at him move, doing the rapping dance. That’s true, he’s a dancing resident. He is a sidekick to the president.” What is his name? MC Rove! Thousands of cats and gerbils were subsequently renamed. Wonkette commenter Cogito Ergo Bibo asked: “Where’s Kanye West when you need him?”
* Jim Webb hired a Marine to wander around the Russell Senate Office building reenacting Wolfenstein 3-D. The pistol was unregistered, illegal and that’s between Webb and his boy, Mr. President.
* Attorney General Gonzales has real problems now, problems in the form of TEEN GAY SEX RAPE. Sometimes he sings to the boys from An American Tail: Fievel Goes West and sometimes he just inserts his finger up to the knuckle.
* Smithsonian Secretary Lawrence M. Small resigned after getting caught stealing in the ballpark of $2 million dollars. He’s since been seen roaming around the National Zoo, calling for Butterstick and singing from An American Tail: Fievel Goes West.
* Someone replaced the Google Map satellite images of the Gulf Coast with dressing up like Jaclyn Smith, Charlie.
* Iran to release woman sailor while the men (worth two women each) will remain in custody until Bush says “I’m not touching you” one time too many.
* According to The Hill, the Rock & Roll Hotel is haunted by a sinking feeling that rock & roll was killed in 1993 by a Smashing Pumpkins record.

* Barry Hussein Obama sells out his childhood to finance his presidential campaign.
* Weaving a web of lies day after day has really aged Tony Snow. Plus, there’s an alien growth in his guts.
* John Edwards announces that his slowly dying campaign will not be rushed by his slowly dying wife.
* The Politico makes like a real politician and fucks up.
* Citizen journalist shocks political-media establishment with news that people in Ohio have Final Cut Pro.
* Naughty fantasies about Frances Townsend will get naughtier when she gets made Homeland Security secretary.
* Nadine is back!
* So is George Allen!
* Jesus Christ, Al Gore’s back, too.
* For the fourth birfday of the Iraq war, President Bush used his “progress/sacrifice” speech template; we used our live-blogging one.

* Let’s start the weekend off with George H.W. Bush collapsing on a golf course. If you’d finished a sixpack of Miller Lite alone on Friday night, like Intern Lauren, you’d think that this was a picture of Bill O’Reilly, too. In other men-who-are-about-to-stare-down-the-barrel-of-a-gun news some blogger invented National Buy Dick Cheney a Cheeseburger Day. Earlier this week Halliburton moved its corporate headquarters to Dubai, and we bet that when the going gets too tough, Cheney will sneak over that way to cover his nose and mouth with a quarter-pounder.
* Dana Milbank, bro, it’s not your fault that the Washington Post will print anything, but you’ve got to pull yourself together: “The 19th-century German philosopher Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel was a giant in the field of logic. The 21st-century philosopher Chuck Hagel? Not so much.”
* Alberto Gonzales is Mexican. Oh, and is staying, obviously, forever, and it’s your fault for even bringing it up. God you’re embarrassing.
* Who you calling ugly, motherfucker?
* Jenna Bush got engaged to former Rove intern Henry Hager. Wonkette commenter pinkoludditelibertarian has the scoop: “Dude has been blowing Rove for years to get a piece of Jenna. He gets it but obviously doesn’t give it to her like she likes it. Bitch runs off to South America and whores herself out to some hotblooded dude(s) who give her what she likes. Meanwhile, Rove and daddy grab Henry by the balls and tell him they’re back together and getting married, like it or not.”
* America’s favorite tot, the Iraq War, turns four years old!
It’s hard to believe that millions of people have already been blown up, tortured, executed, maimed or chased to another country when our little Iraq War is still in diapers. Anyway, Wonkette won the Bloggie!

* Scooter Libby is guilty as charged for the crime of giving Joe Wilson a reason to run his mouth incessantly since 2003.
* Lucky Libby will now be lifting weights and reading the Qu’ran for the next 24 months.
* Unless President Bush has a big enough heart or big enough balls to pardon him.
* Which is doubtful since El Presidente doesn’t even have support from the slave-driving, virgin-sacrificing community.
* The rotting soul of 21st century American makes evil triumph over good.
* If the thought of a “President Walnuts McCain” causes you to uncontrollably spew bile, then you might be related to Chuck Hagel.
* Choke it down long enough to get hired as Michele Bachmann’s nubile office boy, and we’ll have a shoulder ready for the existential crisis that’s sure to follow.
* Condoleezza Rice: coming soon to a Vice Presidential mansion near you.
* Honor former Vice President Cheney by shooting someone in the face, because, hey, you can.

* John WALNUTS! McCain introduced a bill called the Walnut Canyon Study Act. This is the fifth (probably) time he’s introduced a bill involving the study, care and preservation of the legacy of walnuts. We also summarized the long, Reason-esque Reason cover story on McCain.
* Sometimes the dick will suck itself, as with this headline.
* Dick Cheney hasn’t smiled like this since George H.W. Bush vomited on the Japanese prime minister. Hey, did you ever notice that assassination has ass in it twice?
* Michael Musto’s book party was a good time, full of laughter and beauties of indiscriminate gender. Intern Nick did the honors and received a compliment on his good looks. MORE »

* Tom Vilsack goes from also-ran to has-been.
* Barack Obama responds to criticism of his campaign by getting a “shape up,” smiling more.
* If Dick Cheney tells an Aristocrats joke in China, does anybody hear it?
* At least when the oil company takeover of Iraq is finished, it’ll be a lot easier to score Mountain Dew and Pringles in Anbar.
* Revolutionary new media entity does what we usually do, and talks shit about everyone.
* Parties, parties, parties: the ones we go to are never as fun as the ones we skip.
* “I will screw him in the ass!”
* Michelle Malkin teamed up with Fox News because “FOX News is blowing the lid off the blogosphere.”
* Your editor, Alex Pareene, was the guest of honor at Washington Life magazine’s “The Young and the Guest List 2007″ gala.
* We tried to keep Vilsack and his furry costume in the race, really.
* Only white non-Jews permitted to post on double-exclusive LNS forum. The rest of youse can only watch.
* Now that you’re in the privacy of your own home, you can crack open a can of Sparks and masturbate to those girls kissing in their underwear. When you’re done, consider the choices you’ve made and the various ways our lives are spent.

* The final vote: 246 to 182 with two Dems voting against one and 17 Republicans voting for it. Tim Johnson is getting a bad reputation.
* WALNUTS! McCain said he fears something like the Tet Offensive that would change American public opinion against the war. This is a valid concern as 62% of Americans already oppose the war. McCain also underwent dramatic web redesign, edging in on Wolverine’s fansite.
* Australia’s PM John Howard said: “If I was running al-Qaeda in Iraq, I would put a circle around March 2008 and pray, as many times as possible, for a victory not only for Obama, but also for the Democrats.”
* Barry Hussein Obama said “Shoot. Me. Now.”
* Just Fresh bakery sent out a desperate press release announcing they are skirtingnew House ethics rules. House staffers, please continue to enjoy free mini-quiche and forward this your colleagues at area law firms, lobby/PR shops, trade associations, corporate government affairs offices and PACs.
* Florida Republican Ric Keller’s feelings are hurt that Iraqis haven’t said thank you. He suggests we stop mowing Iraqi lawns until they send over a Just Fresh pastry platter.
* Kyle Dusty Foggo was #3 at the CIA and steered contracts to Brent Wilkes who was Duke Cunningham’s drinking buddy. Both Foggo and Wilkes and somebody named John T. Michael were indicted for conspiracy, wire fraud, and money laundering. As for their hookers, we excerpted the good parts here.
* We liveblogged Bush’s press conference where he gravely warned “The operation to secure Baghdad will take time, and there will be violence.”
* The WP’s Howard Kurtz wrote a profile of Michelle Malkin. Ken Layne contributes, calling her behavior “predictably psychotic.”
* There is more for you. Find your Second Life.

* Official Anna Nicole death week isn’t about sex intrigue and lawsuits, it’s about burning out and having your cultural immortality putter crappily along.
* At least Sizzle Chest saved us from Astronaut diaper week. Although, walking around in your own shit is a highly functional metaphor.
* National Prayer Breakfast turns to Jesus for lost spreadsheet.
* Mark Foley gets an award for suffering his gayness in silence.
* Administration re-confirms pre-Iraq-war fuckups, denies everything else, again.
* Vast right-wing conspiracy calls other, more vast right-wing conspiracy a bunch of pussies.
* Adrian Fenty makes Cookie Buffet, Queen of the District.
* Hill staffers denied Valentine flowers and chocolates seize Statuary hall, turn it into a primitive orgiastic utopia.
* Katherine Harris: still holding office hours in the back seat of her car.

* John Warner is the kind of brave American the country needs to stand up to terrorist capitulators like John Warner.
* Every morning as he’s looking in the mirror and combing over, Joe Biden says to himself, “Joe, you really do love those blacks.”
* Republican political elites no longer trust constituents who are basically brainless automatons, dream of being propelled into the majority by lobotomized hamsters.
* Entire female population of political-media complex ovulates in unison, sends catty emails.
* Tim Russert loves his father, speaks truth to power, and fucking hates Chris Matthews.
* Loretta Sanchez would rather endure 100 years of solitude than spend one minute of love in the time of Baca.
* The White House has no place for a skinny senator with a funny bill.
* Baby pandas!
* Tim Johnson tells Tom Daschle, “You’ll get back in Congress over my dead body.”

* Please send photos and updates when tens of thousands of earnest yuppies descend on the Mall for Saturday’s Tibetan Danny Glover Freedom Concert. We’ll be at Busch Gardens along with every other journalist in Washington.
* The Politico was fathered this week by the Allbrittons. The media failures are also the proud owners of the $28 million Georgetown crime scene we’ve been investigating. Coincidence?
* BARACK HUSSEIN OSAMA TOSSES BIN LADEN AT AMERICA.
* Hillary Cunton consummated her trail of tears. Soon after, she got busted for paying right-wing blogs not to run her campaign ads.
* “So I say to John Kerry, I love you John Kerry. And I’m so sorry that things didn’t work out for our country, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I will always care about you greatly and remember the times we’ve spent together.”
* In an attempt to tidy up before killing himself, David Bradley makes Andrew Sullivan Senior Editor of The Atlantic: “I’ve spent my adult years believing that life is a sine curve of inevitable highs following inevitable lows. What is new to me, in this second career, is that the highs are much higher in journalism and the lows much lower. I had not understood, before, how wide could be the band of emotions.”
* Michele Bachmann isn’t afraid to lose control, uses farm hands to offer the President a little encouragement. The DumpBachman blog says “Good-bye Katherine Harris, Hello Michelle Bachmann.” But we’ll never turn our backs on Kitty. She removed her invisibility cloak to to hand out business cards to anyone who didn’t wince at her at the SOTU.
* Like Alberto Gonzales, we weren’t allowed to attend the big event. So we liveblogged the shit out of the blabby blab. And the blabby blab blab response. Believe you us, the whole affair was like looking in a drawer full of diamonds and we’re still hungover.