* Cheney quit! And so did the President!
* Don’t worry; they’ll both keep spying on you forever, through your $600 NSA iPhone.
* Mitt Romney tortured the shit out of his dog in 1983, and he’s still proud of it today.
* The new Supreme Court is making it way too easy on news-graphic professionals. Also, sucks to black these days!
* Unless you were at Howard University presidential candidate debate, where the Democrats promised blacks the entire universe. We liveblogged the thing in two excruciating sessions. This here’s the part where Joe Biden and Barack Obama explain why they went to Africa and got AIDS-tested together.
* Nixon opened China to America, which means he’s to blame for the poisoned toys, shrimp, toothpaste, dog food and tires. Oh wait, the tires aren’t poison. They just tend to explode.
* Mmm, Bald Eagle Pie.
* So much for the Immigration Reform Shamnesty Bill. It’s dead, for now, and all the illegals are still illegal and still here and Bush is still a Loser.
* And Tom DeLay is still … innocent.
* We learned a few new tidbits about our beloved vice president, such as his concern for the environment and how he threatened Dan Quayle’s life for no good reason.
* But that bad stuff the CIA did is all in the past, man, all in the past.
* Don’t let the door hit you in the fanny on the way out, Tony Blair.
* Hillary Clinton will kill anybody who touches her Hideous Blue Jacket of Satan.
* The Democrats also lost the 46th Annual Roll Call Congressional Baseball Game .

* Hey, we are part of the Main Stream Media crushing Ron Paul’s brave campaign! Or so say the Paultards ….
* Somebody found all three Osama bin Ladens! One was working for Fox News, obviously.
* Street people are pretty much writing John Edwards’ campaign website these days. Two Americas, bitches!
* Joe Klein is rather disappointed by the libtard bloggers — after all, this is Joe Klein we’re talking about here, who is not exactly chopped liver.
* The Senate has finally made the Internet safe for everyone, hooray! We got an advance copy of Senate Bill S-H8R.
* “Vlad” Putin was just kidding about wanting to nuke Europe and kiss Dubya’s belly.
* We endorsed Ron Paul and yet we’re already sick of the Paultards — as is anybody else forced to run a political website these days.
* What are thou speaking of, my friends? It was good to debate and then to end the debate. He sat by the spin room and watched the old man climb the hill. “A man must fight for what he believes in,” the old man said. “I believe in El Walnuts.”
* Screw Fred Thompson — we support Alan Keyes for President.
* Little furry terrorists are eating all the American flags and shitting on the graves of our veterans.
* Oh right, there was a GOP debate in New Hampshire. The candidates had some interesting ideas about what to do with George W. Bush. “Send him to the Elks Club in Buttfuck, North Dakota” was one of the kinder ideas.
* Oh right, we actually liveblogged that televised atrocity. Part I was bad, Part II was awful, Part III was painful and Part IV was a gun in the mouth, forever.
* Rudy is sorta sorry for spreading around that story about the Magic Mormon on the White Horse who comes out of a hobbit book and saves the nation from the Republicans.

* The new border fence is finished and America is finally safe from Mexicans! But the fence is in Georgia, for some reason.
* Finally, Republican primary voters have their very own divorced Hollywood actor to play Reagan.
* Tom Coburn’s jumping in, too, because you can never have too many absolute nuts running for president.
* Oh boy, now there’s a fifth tier of Democratic candidates. Welcome to the race, Cynthia McKinney!
* Speaking of popular anti-war people named Cindy, looks like Sheehan’s leaving on the midnight train to Shut-the-Fuck-Up-ville.
* Walnuts and his terrorist organization kidnapped a little kid and made him make a terrible videotape full of anti-American lies.
* The first bimbo eruption of the 2008 campaign is here, on a crappy MySpace page.
* Welcome to the special torture prison on the Island of Sodor!
* There’s a whole lotta crap you can’t say in the comments anymore — if, you know, the editors ever actually read the comments.
* The Man is trying to make America’s Favorite Marine shut up!
* Antonin Scalia’s daughter got loaded and tried to off her kids.
* Jenna and Barbara are back in town, and were seen doing an eight-ball with a red-headed New York celebrity.
* The Republicans are officially done with this “appealing to the middle class” bullshit, and fired the entire telemarketing staff.
* Hillary promises low-paying service jobs to illiterate Americans.
* Another rat jumped off the USS White House.
* Christopher Hitchens is so charming that nobody cares how utterly wrong he is about everything.
* Rudy should be a natural at this stuff. But he isn’t.
* Condi Rice is nine years old.

* Bush runs the world because his daddy ran the world because his daddy ran the world. We’ve got photographic proof!
* When that bird dropped a load on President Bush, it was the first salvo of a new global war on humans.
* Hillary Shocker: She’s kind of a pushy broad.
* Sorry, Bloomberg: America likes its rulers to be gentile billionaires.
* LOL!!!1! AHM IN UR WITE HAUS, FUKKIN UP UR COUNTREE
* We found out how to get Tom Friedman to pimp your book.
* For just a young gal of 33 with nothing more than a degree from some pretend Jesus college, Monica Goodling sure had a quick rise to the top of the Bush-Gonzales Crime Syndicate!
* Dick Cheney’s unmarried lesbian daughter gave birth to a baby boy (father unknown, of course). It’s like when Dan Quayle attacked Murphy Brown for being a single career woman who had a baby boy, only this time instead of the vice president criticizing the amoral-yet-fictional TV character, the vice president is actually the father of the amoral-yet-real woman, and she’s a lesbian. We sent our good wishes.
* Oh yeah, and Dick Cheney’s on the DC Madam’s client list, too. Conservatives these days are just wacky!
* Grown men screamed at each other about “chicken pluckers” — in the Senate, of course.
* Oh no! Paul and Shaha broke up? We can’t believe it! (No, really, we can’t believe it.)
* Hey guys, there’s a great new political cartoon you’ll really enjoy.
* Fundamentalist religious fanatics who hate our Precious Freedoms(tm) tried to blow up Jerry Falwell’s funeral. Thanks to our brave leaders, all the Christians are now locked up at Gitmo and won’t attack us again.
* Ben Bradlee fucked your hot young wife this morning as he was running by with the Olympic Torch.
* An actress is now appearing in the vicinity of Florida Governor Charlie Crist.
* “Dear Diary, I think the A-Team is a better program than Hart to Hart, but Mommy says the president of South America is coming for dinner tonight so I should put on my nice suit. I hope we can have cake and ice cream later.”

* Shaha Raza finally did what Iraq couldn’t: Get Paul Wolfowitz fired.
* But Miss RZA is hardly an innocent victim, we learned. She is bitchy, and has sent out press releases in the past!
* Those left-wing libtards over at Free Republic are demanding that Bush be impeached … wait, what?
* Somebody finally killed Bill Clinton.
* Simple men like Duncan Hunter have $75,000 in credit-card debt, while gazillionaire Mitt Romney hangs out in brothels pretending to be a science-fiction superhero.
* Hillary needs a new campaign song and you can even suggest something other than the usual baby-boomer/Dixie Chicks crap. We wrote in Sabbath’s “WAR PIG” and the Stones’ “Bitch.”
* It was a championship round of NUT VS. NUT as the GOP candidates dreamed up new ways to torture everyone. Oh, and somebody made a funny about John Edwards getting his pussy shaved at the $500 beauty salon. Oh, and we liveblogged the whole excruciating thing.
* What else? Oh, the Singularity occured and we’re now living in the alternate universe — you know, the one where a bedridden John Ashcroft is the hero who defends the Constitution from the criminal Bush gang?
* John Kerry can’t get enough of some retard pong game on his Blackberry.
* Dick Cheney most resembles a celebrity named Dick Cheney.
* Beloved entertainer Jerry “Fatty” Falwell dropped dead, and a nation laughed. Good night, fundyman.

* Dick Cheney had another busy week: He stood on a boat yelling at Iran, performed a stunning re-enactment of the Nuremberg Rallies and had his comical midget sidekick entertain the U.S. troops in Iraq. Buy that man an iPod!
* Oh, and our beloved veep is also using his telekinetic powers to kill baby deer in Tacoma, and dress up the corpses like human babies.
* Never mind, he wasn’t really in Baghdad at all!
* The Wolffucker just wants your respect, while Condi just called to say she loves Paul.
* Hey guys, guess who’s in the “cool new people” box on MySpace?
* Why do the Interwebz kidz love libertarian right-winger Ron Paul? Because his Second Life HQ is actually a dope farm!
* Did you hear about the BENCHMARKS? Well, we don’t care.
* Bill Richardson just wants a recurring guest spot on “The Office.”
* Bush appointed another robot-hating racist to replace the dude on the DC Madam’s list. Oh yeah, and Dick Cheney is maybe on her list, too.
* Rudy hates farmers and ferrets. (But he still loves furries.)
* Barry Hussein Obama hates our precious freedoms, such as looking at Britney’s cooch.
* North Dakota Senator Byron Dorgan hates prairie dogs … and helicopters.
* Al Sharpton hates Mormons.
* McCain’s national political director hates WALNUTS!
* Mickey Mouse hates the Jews.
* GOP Hill staffer hates the Blacks.
* Republicans hate their presidential candidates.
* Frenchman Scientologist Mitt Romney hates Mr. Spock’s seven-year itch. MORE »

* A gang of rich old creepy men chant their cult-like bullshit to figure out which particular style of amoral opportunist bag of ancient shit would be a good President: its the first GOP debate!
* Cut the pandering in the room with a knife when Republican candidates talk about roe v. wade.
* Setting the dates of the ‘08 primaries, in which all states play the same “me first” game that was so fun in 4th grade.
* Everybody’s got it wrong, the mission actually is accomplished.
* Donald Rumsfeld gets official recognition for being the fat ass warmonger we always knew he was.
* TIME magazine prints its annual pocket guide to life for geezers.
* May Day immigration protests inspire internet users to an anti-communist fervor not seen since the ’50s.
* Some bullshit about DC Madam sort of happened.
* Surprise, surprise — Dana Perino’s husband has a problem with authority.

* Alberto Gonzales finally appeared before Congress, gave bullshit answers to bullshit questions, and everyone is still just waiting for him to step down.
* World Bank employees finally did more than 10 minutes of work in a day, and everyone is still just waiting for Paul “Pay For Play” Wolfowitz to step down.
* Americans honor dead people in the sexiest and toothiest ways they know how.
* The day the Blackberrys died.
* Dudes, get ready to burn your draft cards.
* Chicks, get ready to have that baby.
* Anything bad that ever happens is the fault of Democrats, Communists, Terrorists, or all of the above.
* There were a lot of parties last night, you should’ve tried to crash.

* “Oh my goodness!” The president narrowly survived an assassination attempt.
* Wolfowitz paid an Arab girl to sleep with him. He was very busted and, in spite of rioting Bank employees and many twists and turns, Wolfowitz is still a happy political appointee, and not at all fired.
* Jack Abramoff will be let our of prison early — just in time to steal your income tax returns and rape your mom in the alley next to Checkers.
* The plot of Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde became reality.
* If you haven’t been paying any attention to any of the Second Life bullshit, one photo tells it all.
* Vonnegut lived about a dozen years longer than the average American male, due to his “chain-smoking and rage and beach house.”
* The Politico found a recipe for media success when they made the forward thinking decision to fire all of their twenty-something reporters in favor of even more self-satisfied baby boomers.
* Finally, a legitimate reason to bring a beer bottle into the bedroom.

* To Dick Cheney “family” just means “officers in the coming clone army.”
* John Kerry brings his trademark failure to what would have otherwise been at least half-assed revenge.
* You could say a woman who would let Paul Wolfowitz’s tongue down her throat is one in a million, but that would mean there are 300 in America alone.
* The mysterious case of Karl Rove’s folder is, like everything about this White House, complete bullshit lightly salted with childlike wonder.
* Mitt Romney is the best, handsomest, richest also ran who won’t be president.
* Washington Post people finally realize that the “reporting” they do is just cute garnish for the weather forecast.
* New hell-spawn U.S. Attorney inspires fear and lusting in Wonkette commenters.
* Newt Gingrich loves his Latino brothers and sisters, because hey, burritos are delicious and an ‘89 Corolla with giant chrome rims is just cultural expression, esse.
* Isn’t hot British sailor hostage porn already a genre?
* Republicans are furious over Nancy Pelosi’s refusal to show contempt for other cultures.
* It’s Easter in America!

* The world gathered around YouTube to “Look at him move, doing the rapping dance. That’s true, he’s a dancing resident. He is a sidekick to the president.” What is his name? MC Rove! Thousands of cats and gerbils were subsequently renamed. Wonkette commenter Cogito Ergo Bibo asked: “Where’s Kanye West when you need him?”
* Jim Webb hired a Marine to wander around the Russell Senate Office building reenacting Wolfenstein 3-D. The pistol was unregistered, illegal and that’s between Webb and his boy, Mr. President.
* Attorney General Gonzales has real problems now, problems in the form of TEEN GAY SEX RAPE. Sometimes he sings to the boys from An American Tail: Fievel Goes West and sometimes he just inserts his finger up to the knuckle.
* Smithsonian Secretary Lawrence M. Small resigned after getting caught stealing in the ballpark of $2 million dollars. He’s since been seen roaming around the National Zoo, calling for Butterstick and singing from An American Tail: Fievel Goes West.
* Someone replaced the Google Map satellite images of the Gulf Coast with dressing up like Jaclyn Smith, Charlie.
* Iran to release woman sailor while the men (worth two women each) will remain in custody until Bush says “I’m not touching you” one time too many.
* According to The Hill, the Rock & Roll Hotel is haunted by a sinking feeling that rock & roll was killed in 1993 by a Smashing Pumpkins record.