week in review
A hundred years ago, an angel was born on Earth. So this weekend, eat some jelly beans (get diabetes) in honor of Ronald Reagan. Egypt’s tourism industry took a hit this week, for some reason. President Obama finally admitted that he takes personal orders from Muslim Jesus, at his national prayer party. The National Enquirer [...]
We learned that compromise in the Senate means giving into every Republican demand, ever, and that disagreeing just makes you a partisan hack. Just to prove the president’s point, several of those partisan hacks in the lesser legislature had a big old tantrum to oppose the president and his billion-dollar Hanukkah gift to Joe Lieberman. [...]
Your Wonkette dutifully and diligently documented the great teabagging of America, which will forever be remembered in the annals of history. The newly dethroned Queen of the House will remain the reptilian princess of the Democrats, forever. Sulky teen Barack Obama sent America a real sad break-up text. Fortuna’s wheel spun against the dirty, sexy, [...]
Journalism jumped the shark (again!) when our ex-godmother Gawker posted a mean thing about our beloved sybil Christine O’Donnell — despite holding back the juiciest details. Coincidentally(?), Christine also developed a taste for human flesh. Top-secret plans confirm that a gulag of communists (Sheryl Crow) will descend upon DC to slander Glenn Beck. Alaska’s Joe [...]
The past came alive for Clarence Thomas on the anniversary of his best job interview ever. Sarah Palin sucked face with a dog, which was okay because it was a patriotic AMERICAN breed, unlike a certain filthy PORTUGUESE dog, Bo Obama. When Joe Miller is president and all the bloggers are in jail, he will [...]
If only we had done our job fighting the Soviets in the 1980s, like Christine O’Donnell wanted, we might not be in this Muslim-mess. The much-anticipated sequel to Who’s Nailin’ Palin, TLC’s Sarah Palin’s Alaska got a steamy new trailer. Carl Paladino did what all true and righteous men do in trying times: Blame the [...]
According to Mormonism, when Glenn Beck dies and goes to Joseph Smith’s polygamous compound in the sky, he will become a god and some poor baby universe will have to deal with GL-NN as their personal Yahweh. T-Palin got very upset at Joe Miller for not endorsing his wife and personal cash-bag Sarah Palin. Sarah [...]
Newsboy Jim Lehrer retired his abacus and messenger pigeons for a newfangled iPhone. CNN anchor Rick Sanchez invented the hottest new Internet meme since LOLCats and TruckNutz combined: Jews secretly control the media! Why has no one thought of this before? Tai “Butterstick” Shan, America’s stolen panda, is so beloved by white people that his [...]
All-natural tangerine dreamboat John Boehner was accused of boehning the shit out of a lobbyist, instead of just proverbially fucking them for campaign cash. The scrotal sack known as the Democratic party was so limp and floppy (from constant teabagging) it couldn’t even muster the courage to repeal the ludicrous Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy, [...]
Yahweh (The Comedy God) gifted America with our newest, HOTTEST reincarnation of Ronald Reagan, the Elvin princess Christine O’Donnell. After losing her freshly minted angel wings (to witchcraft), Xtine became Christianity’s official Mistress of Masturbation, banning all forms of self-pleasure, except for self-tanning, due to heavy pressure from John Boehner. Wonkette’s Riley Waggaman wrote a [...]
Alvin Greene, America’s first Daoist statesman, offered your Wonkette the opportunity of several reincarnated lifetimes. Wonkette Cribs took an all-access tour of Senate candidate Joe Miller’s sweet (creepy) Alaskan love shack. The illegal Messican version of Mr. Smith Goes To Washington began filming in New Hampshire. Sarah Palin doesn’t support starting religious riots in Pakistan [...]
Glenn Beck and friends are getting sweet-tats all over Washington DC right now, but not on the green or yellow lines, because that’s where the black people congregate to play craps on the Kill Whitey Express. The gays finally converted the innocent virginal maiden Ken Mehlman into their cult of appletinis and progressive dance music. [...]
Professional baby-maker and virile tabloid hottie Levi Johnston plans to run for mayor of his meth-addled hometown, bravely standing up against the old-guard fat cats that populate Wasilla’s city hall/methadone clinics. Judge Vaughn Walker personally lubed up the slippery slope in California, mandating gay marriages for everyone. Michelle Malkin’s testicles got tied up in a [...]
According to 2010 “constitutional law,” impeaching ol’Bama is pretty darn tricky. Luckily, some brave Georgian-era nobility have come forth to impeach Obama in the year 1810. Patrick Henry rematerialized in our time to audition for a starring role in Ocean’s 14. Barack took precious time away from inventorying Michelle’s secret fur freezer to appear on [...]
Human phallus John Boehner’s million-plus siblings may be unemployed, or not. He doesn’t know! All he knows is that he has “empathy” for them, which we all know means “fuck y’all,” in Latino. Andrew Breitbart became conservative America’s new piece-on-the-side. By courageously posting cleverly edited footage for political motives, and then defending his bizarre charade [...]
