Thousands of sad Texans will be sleeping in the streets of Waco in mid-May while fat cats carouse at the wedding of Jenna Bush and her first husband, wealthy former Rove staffer Henry Hager. Even though the wedding date hasn’t been officially confirmed (it’s May 10!), all the hotels are already full with reservations from media, paparazzi, and deposed Latin American dictators. Beleaguered attendees of the Texas Technology Students Association conference, unfortunately scheduled for the same weekend, will be left out in the cold. And that is just the start of the madness. MORE »

First Grandlady Barbara Bush revealed last night that Engaged First Twin Jenna Bush is at the White House right now with “15 girlfriends” having a Wedding Shower. Let’s hope President George doesn’t absent-mindedly wander in while the mimosa-drunk gals are trying out the novelty dildos! [Washington Post]

I’m sure it seemed like a good — or at least sexy — idea at the time, but eight Florida prison officers found out yesterday that, um, staging a lesbo marriage for two of the prisoners? Maybe not such a good idea! MORE »

“The nation’s first family tree is about to gain a new branch,” the Washington Post reveals today. “The future in-laws, it turns out, are not unlike the Bushes.”

Really?! That is news. While many Americans expected Jenna Bush to eventually shack up with a meth dealer in a Florida trailer park, it turns out her “background” and “pedigree” sort of determined long ago that she would marry another rich white douche from another rich and powerful family that makes billions of dollars on something that kills poor brown people — in Jenna’s case, that industry is oil and war, while in Henry Hager’s case, that industry is tobacco. MORE »

Will Jenna Bush’s shotgun wedding to dead-eyed former Rove staffer and Bush clan-approved groom Henry “Hank” Hager “the Horrible” take place at the White House? The New York Times pondered this incredibly important question yesterday, pointing out that the last time there was a White House wedding, 36 years ago, the father of the bride was a corrupt old bastard, the nation was in locked into an unwinnable war, and everyone involved eventually resigned in disgrace. Of course, that was still Dick’s first term, so it’s probably too late to hope for that sort of thing to happen again. MORE »

Tragically pregnant first twin Jenna Bush is being rushed into a marriage with former boyfriend and Karl Rove lackey Henry Hager, but it wasn’t always tears and maternity clothes for the ex-couple. Here they are at a baseball game, two-and-a-half years ago. Jenna’s got her Corona and Henry’s got the bland blank face of a tobacco executive’s son. MORE »

It’s time to go over the photographic forensic evidence and see if we can settle the burning question of the summer: Is Jenna pregnant or just really fat? MORE »

Guess who’s maybe getting engaged to Karl Rove’s former intern? The great Holocaust author Jenna Bush, that’s who! MORE »

Wedding bells may soon be ringing — what are wedding bells, anyway? — for Chelsea Clinton, but there will be no creepy dance with her new father-in-law, because he’s locked up in prison. MORE »

Congratulations to ABC’s square-jawed Jake Tapper, who, despite his on-going hostage crisis, has snared himself a wife, and an item in the prestigious New York Times “Vows” section. Tapper married Jen Brown of Planned Parenthood, thus justifying any and all claims of liberal bias in ABC’s reporting. Jen’s “father owns and operates US 1 Dollar, an independent general merchandise store in Lenexa, Kan.,” a sentence we are pretty sure has never appeared in the Vows section before this weekend. Good luck, you crazy kids! And send us some wedding pictures, we couldn’t make it out to Kansas City. MORE »

You’ve seen their names on countless press releases over the years. And now they’ve married each other, so they can make lots of beautiful media advisories together: MORE »