Tag Archives: weddings

  We're not crying YOU'RE crying

Hillary Clinton’s Gay Marriage Video Will Give Your Cold Shriveled Heart ALL The Feels

That's the one. That's the couple that's gonna make you cry like a little BITCH.
Oh Wonkers, you are such damaged souls, and you are not even allowed to comment about it. But buck up, buckaroos, there is a new day on the horizon! WE ARE A MARRIAGE EQUALITY NATION, and your once and future Queen Of America, Hillary Clinton, is here with a heartwarming message about how “gay rights are human rights, and human rights are gay rights.” Which is just SILLY, because #NOTALLHUMANS. C’mon, Hillary! Get with the program! Read more on Hillary Clinton’s Gay Marriage Video Will Give Your Cold Shriveled Heart ALL The Feels…
  Gay wedding nice time with Hillz!

Hillary Clinton Invited To Real Live Gay Wedding, Will There Be Pizza?

Look at this couple, just walking down the street in love like that's even normal.
Hillary Clinton announced Sunday that yeah, sure, she guesses she’ll go ahead and be president in 2016, not that it’s that important to her or anything. As we reported, her announcement video is terrible and un-American, as it features “regular people” doing “regular things,” like going back to work, graduating college and things like that. But her True Agenda is revealed when a man’s voice says, “I’m getting married this summer to someone I really care about.” The camera moves to footage of a man holding hands WITH ANOTHER MAN, which yr Wonkette has to admit is really kind of big and heartwarming and wonderful, since it’s the first time a presidential candidate with a shot of winning has started out the gate declaring support for the gay marriages. Read more on Hillary Clinton Invited To Real Live Gay Wedding, Will There Be Pizza?…
  Florida: A Living Segregation History Museum

If Florida Counties Have To Marry The Gays, They Just Won’t Marry Anyone. Happy Now, The Gays?

Mission accomplished!
So now that the Supreme Court has crammed marriage equality down Florida’s throat, some Florida counties are responding with a move that seems almost reflexive for Southern states that don’t want to have the wrong people’s “civil rights” forced upon them. Rather than perform same-sex marriages, the clerks of the court for five Florida counties have decided that they just plain won’t perform any marriage ceremonies at their courthouses anymore: Read more on If Florida Counties Have To Marry The Gays, They Just Won’t Marry Anyone. Happy Now, The Gays?…
  it was supposed to be a white wedding anyway

Tyrant Obama Makes War On Army Heroes’ Christmas Wedding

Looks terrible. Such a sad day for them.
Talk about a double bogie! Over the weekend, two Army captains who were scheduled to get married at the 16th tee of the Kaneohe Klipper Golf Course in Hawaii had to move the wedding at the last minute because President Golfing McTyrant wanted to play a round. INPEACH!!11!! etc. and so forth. Read more on Tyrant Obama Makes War On Army Heroes’ Christmas Wedding…
  Bigots Being Bigots Because Bigots

Oregon Bigots Would Like Special License To Hate Gays Even If It Is Illegal To Do That Because Freedom

Exactly how big an asshole do you need to be to care who eats your five-tiered sponge-flavored diabetes-frosted wedding cake? This big: [T]he Oregon Family Council has filed its own initiative that would allow for discrimination against same-sex couples even if marriage equality passes. The proposed Protect Religious Freedom Initiative would create a “right to discriminate” for any business that normally works with weddings. Were it to pass, florists, bakers, photographers, and other wedding professionals could simply refuse to serve same-sex couples without being in violation of the state’s public accommodation nondiscrimination protections. So in other words, they would like a special law that says they do not have to follow the law because they think that well, they just shouldn’t. Freedom and stuff. That is not how the law works, dummies. We checked How The Law Works For Dummies What Are Especially Dumb. Read more on Oregon Bigots Would Like Special License To Hate Gays Even If It Is Illegal To Do That Because Freedom…
  what's the matter with not doocy?

You Guys, We Are Starting To Worry About Fox & Friends’ Brian Kilmeade

First Tucker Carlson was all like “Hey join my Order of Christian White Knights” and Kilmeade was all like “nah mang, I’m cool” and now he is saying that the greatest scandal in the history of the LIEberal media is “not a big deal”? We are getting a terrible feeling that something is terribly, devastatingly wrong! Read more on You Guys, We Are Starting To Worry About Fox & Friends’ Brian Kilmeade…
  your saturday nice time post!

Mazel Tov And L’Chaim To That SC Governor Who Ran Off To Argentina And His New Mistress Betrothed!

Oh happy day! We awake to the joyous tidings that former governor Mark Sanford (R-Appalachian Trail) and his lady love, that chick he was flying off to South America to bang, have sealed their passions with an engagement! It’s like a fairy tale, you guys! The [Argentine] paper [Clarin] said Sanford arrived early at the restaurant and gave “a bag with the (engagement) ring to one of the waiters,” asking him to “to invent a good story for his girlfriend.” Sanford then hid in a bathroom. So now Mark Sanford is a bathroom goblin as well? This is excellent news for Larry Craig! Read more on Mazel Tov And L’Chaim To That SC Governor Who Ran Off To Argentina And His New Mistress Betrothed!…
  oh boy

Dick Cheney’s Daughter Got Gay Married, To Another Lady!

Wedding bells in DC! See down here, in the World’s Most Evil City, we let gay people get married and don’t think nothin’ about it. The proud couple today was Mary Cheney, daughter of a former banana republic warlord, and longtime girlfriend Heather Poe, who probably has parents too. Cheney has already used science magick to birth the couple’s two children. Dick Cheney is furious! No, he’s happy, about this one thing. Read more on Dick Cheney’s Daughter Got Gay Married, To Another Lady!…
  like losing the vietnam war twice

World’s Most Unfortunate Young Woman Joins Palin Family

In Alaska, tragedy has struck: Sarah Palin’s son Track (who is a person, not a Hot Wheels play set), married a young woman, officially making her a Palin and a part of the Arctic’s largest grifting operation. Around the world, people now grieve for her, as this is pretty much the worst thing that can happen to a person. Will she be forced to talk about how much she loves guns and, paradoxically, “life” on a reality teevee show? Will she be forced to get a new chin? Probably. Osama bin Laden’s widows had this to say in a joint statement: “As much as we wish death upon the United States, we stand together with and pray for the grieving people of America, who have lost an innocent woman to the Palin family at a tragic young age. May God be with you in your hour of need before He smites you.” Read more on World’s Most Unfortunate Young Woman Joins Palin Family…
  it's morning in america

Your Consumer Reeducation Begins TODAY!

Barack Obama will finally announce sometime today that Elizabeth Warren is America’s new consumer-advocate czar. Warren will be appointed as a “special adviser” to the Consumer Protection Bureau. And because Warren is just doin’ some harmless consulting work, there is no need for a Senate confirmation hearing, which is excellent because we all know that would have been a mess. So hooray, Elizabeth Warren will help you understand your monthly credit card debt-statement and your soul-crushing mortgage. Soon you will be begging Elizabeth Warren to stop, because if you are financially literate, how can you apply for credit cards you don’t need or send in your Cash4Gold without feeling a little guilty? [Boston Herald] Read more on Your Consumer Reeducation Begins TODAY!… Read more on Your Consumer Reeducation Begins TODAY!…
  quick! god! do earthquakes!

TIME FOR EVERYONE IN CALIFORNIA TO GET GAY-MARRIED AGAIN, OR NOT: UPDATED: It was originally breathlessly reported that Judge Vaughn Walker had lifted the stay on the decision to strike down Proposition 8, so that California is once again a state where the gays can do gross things like “nuptials” in front of our poor, innocent children. Couples were already lined up at City Hall in San Francisco! That sounds familiar! But it turns out the stay was extended until August 18. THEN Californians can ruin America with this “marriage” smut. [LA Times] Read more on …
  suck it chelsea clinton

A Children’s Treasury of Rush Limbaugh Wedding Photos and Rush Fan Comments About Them

Young hearthrob Rush Limbaugh has a brand new Facebook page, and he has used this platform to at long last give the screeching masses what they want: photos of his wedding. “Sharing a laugh with Elton John backstage before his performance” is the caption on this one. Yes, somehow KNOWN HOMOSEXUAL ENEMY Sir Elton John was paid enough money to show up at this thing. Mazel tov, Rush! So what other debauchery is revealed in this photo gallery? And what did the Rush faithful have to say about these photos? Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Rush Limbaugh Wedding Photos and Rush Fan Comments About Them…
  wasillageddon

Bristol Palin Breaks Off Engagement With Levi Johnston, Ending Democracy As We Know It

For the past few weeks our nation has had hope. Bristol and Levi got back together! That is a leading indicator of decreasing unemployment, somehow, probably! But now those two kids no longer are getting married. It has been reported, with journalism, that Levi’s pregnant ex-girlfriend is not the issue; rather, it’s another ex-girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend with whom Bristol saw Levi in a Facebook photo. What does this mean for Levi’s new job as OMB Director and the future of America itself? We could try to make you wait until after the jump to answer this question, but it’s clear EVERYTHING IS RUINED. Read more on Bristol Palin Breaks Off Engagement With Levi Johnston, Ending Democracy As We Know It…
  everything's a marketing opportunity

Chelsea Clinton Gets Married, Pizza Chain Sends Grease Pies

America’s queen of hearts, Chelsea Clinton, got married today! It’s about time, right? Bristol Palin will probably be on her third or fourth “old man” by the time she’s 30 years old. Anyway, we forgot to cover this wedding of an adult person, even though it is true that her mom is secretary of state and her dad used to have some job in politics or on Wall Street, can’t remember what. Maybe a marketing firm will send us some pictures we can post that have some tangential relationship to the subject of “Chelsea Clinton’s wedding.” Read more on Chelsea Clinton Gets Married, Pizza Chain Sends Grease Pies…
  get with it queen elizabeth

Sarah Palin Is Boycotting Bristol and Levi’s Storybook Camo Wedding

Famous playwright Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol announced last week that true love does exist as she and Levi Johnston are getting married next month. But it appears Sarah Palin has chosen tragedy andwill not be attending this solemn ceremony, according to a “family friend.” Will Bristol and Levi be completely disowned by the Palin clan and no longer be eligible for the co-presidency? Will Sarah sell her prized Trig back to his real mother? SO MANY QUESTIONS. Read more on Sarah Palin Is Boycotting Bristol and Levi’s Storybook Camo Wedding…
  oh you weren't invited?

Bill Clinton Married Anthony Weiner This Weekend

Our Google News Alert for “Bill Clinton weiner” has finally come through. On Saturday, Rep. Anthony Weiner of New York married some lady who used to work for Hillary Clinton. The gown was made by the bride’s “good friend Oscar de la Renta,” because of course he is and because everyone cares about who made clothes people wear. Was the groom’s wedding costume made by Bill Clinton? The articles don’t say, but he did officiate. Read more on Bill Clinton Married Anthony Weiner This Weekend…