Tag Archives: wayne lapierre

  I was just cleaning my "gun" and it went off

NRA Convention Is Jizz-Soaked Festival Of Guns, Fear, Hillary-Hate, More Jizz

Scenes from the hotel rooms at the convention, probably.
The 2015 NRA Convention concluded this weekend in Nashville, and despite the fact that attendees were not allowed to carry their guns every single place they wanted, even if they thought they saw an ISIS or a black person, the convention reportedly went off without a hitch! Or a safety! In fact, the convention seems to have gone off in the pants of many of the speakers and attendees, but in a good way! Let’s enjoy some jizz-soaked highlights, which are the natural product of what happens when so much gun-humping happens in one place. Read more on NRA Convention Is Jizz-Soaked Festival Of Guns, Fear, Hillary-Hate, More Jizz…
  Bullet Points

NRA Wonders Why You Paranoids Fear Gun Nuts And Their Weapons Stockpiles

Playing the arms race card
The NRA just can’t understand the paranoia of you people who have a problem with Responsible Gun Owners and their Perfectly Legal Firearms, which they keep with them at all times because they need to be ready to instantly kill a possible assailant. And so the NRA put together this very convincing video to explain that anyone who has a problem with armed citizens is a seriously disturbed human being who is afraid of both the Holy Second Amendment, and, even crazier, afraid of an inanimate object, for god’s sake. There is nothing to fear about a gun, you pussies. Here, listen to completely level-headed NRA commentary person Billy Johnson: Read more on NRA Wonders Why You Paranoids Fear Gun Nuts And Their Weapons Stockpiles…
  so long farewell

James Brady Passes Away, Will No Longer Try To Put Your Guns In FEMA Camps

Never forget
Let us pour one out for James Brady, former press secretary for Ronald Reagan and longtime gun-control advocate, who died today at the age of 73. Brady was Reagan’s press secretary for the first two months of the Great Communicator’s presidency. He was shot in the head by John Hinckley Jr. on March 30, 1981, when Hinckley failed to either kill Reagan or win the heart of Jodie Foster, who only loves winners. Brady was permanently disabled, spending the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Though he could no longer work as press secretary, he still held the title for the duration of Reagan’s presidency while others stood in as deputy or acting press secretary. Which, when you think about it, was kind of what happened with Reagan himself. Read more on James Brady Passes Away, Will No Longer Try To Put Your Guns In FEMA Camps…
  our warm live hands

In Seattle, Good Guy With Pepper Spray Stops Bad Guy With Gun

According to Wayne LaPierre, this isn’t supposed to even be possible, but yesterday’s mass shooting in progress was stopped by a good guy with no gun: A Seattle Pacific University (SPU) student tackled a gunman who was reloading his shotgun after killing one student and wounding two others inside a campus hall Thursday afternoon. […] Jon Meis, a student working as a building monitor, pepper-sprayed the shooter as he stopped to reload, then put him in a chokehold and took him to the ground, according to police and a friend who spoke with Meis after the shooting. Then other students and faculty members rushed to hold the shooter down until police arrived. And like so many mass shootings, the guy was stopped by being tackled, not by a good guy with a gun. Go figure. Read more on In Seattle, Good Guy With Pepper Spray Stops Bad Guy With Gun…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Seems To Think The NRA Is Paranoid For Some Reason (video)

Tuesday’s Daily Show had some fun with last weekend’s NRA convention, leading off, as one must, with the WTF heard round the world, Sarah Palin’s weird joke about how waterboarding is how she’d baptize terrorists. And then he reminded us that this person was once the vice presidential candidate of one of America’s national political parties. (And don’t think we missed your borrowing of the Wonkette catchphrase “She seems nice,” Mister Jon Stewart. Fine. Now we’ll just have to put up with people saying we stole that…) Read more on Jon Stewart Seems To Think The NRA Is Paranoid For Some Reason (video)…
  our cold dead cans

Ain’t No Party Like An NRA Party ‘Cause At An NRA Party People Wave Guns Around Like A Bunch Of Jackasses, And Other Gun News

Over the weekend the National Rifle Association held its annual Gun Fetishization and Circle Jerk for Dim-Bulb Paranoids. The lucky host city was Indianapolis, which saw itself invaded by 70,000 armed lunatics for three days of strutting jingoism and fear-mongering. Ghoulish death-head Wayne LaPierre showed up to give the very same speech that he gave at CPAC last month, which seems appropriate, since the NRA convention is basically CPAC with weaponry. Towards the end of the speech, LaPierre showed a television commercial that has to be seen to be believed (It starts at about 17:05 in the above video). As a bonus, it stars Wonkette favorite Mr. Colion Noir, who we are sad to see has yet to find a director who can get him to tone down the overly dramatic line readings. Did you feel it? Do you believe in America again? Read more on Ain’t No Party Like An NRA Party ‘Cause At An NRA Party People Wave Guns Around Like A Bunch Of Jackasses, And Other Gun News…
  seems you think everything is funny wonkett

Deleted Comments Of The Week: I Wrote A Term Paper Once, And You Are Wrong

Let’s see what sort of detritus has washed up in the ol’ comments queue this week…. First off, we have the message reproduced in the pic, from someone who apparently objected to the excessive two pony images that we used last Thursday. Point taken, dude. You may bite Princess Celestia’s immortal sun-emblazoned ass. On the other hand, regarding dude’s whining about our constant spamming of HappyNiceTimePeople.com, our Esteemed Editrix (May She Live A Thousand Years) wasn’t nice about it at all. It was mostly unprintable, but — in a classic case of cutting off her nose to spite YOU YOU UNGRATEFUL WRETCHES — contained many shrill screechings about BURNING THIS SHITHOLE TO THE GROUND. (She meant Wonkette.) On a more pressing topic, we need to add an important update to our recent story about the Arizona Senate’s plan to prepare the good people of the Copper State for an electromagnetic apocalypse. You see, we mocked state Sen. Dave Farnsworth for his very smart plan to require Arizona to make recommendations for civilians so they can survive after a high-altitude nuclear explosion wipes out all electrical power and unshielded electronics — no phones, no lights, no motorcars. This did not sit well with would-be commenter “ladyracer19,” who has studied up on EMP, and who just wanted us to know that we really do face a genuine danger from our government of today, which might really truly want to turn off the lights forever, for some reason she didn’t get to: Okay you all. Some of the information posted is correct, but most is bs. How do I know I did a term paper on EMP. I wanted to stand out. Believe me this admin could do this without a problem. Since I wrote that paper things have improved a lot and it would be a lot easier now. If there is something to stop EMP they aren’t putting it out. Don’t discount this, this could happen and of course it more than likely won’t be our government but can we really trust this government of today? Good question! Can we trust the government not to deliberately trigger a civilization-disrupting disaster, just for the hell of it? Ladyracer19, thank you for bringing this to our attention. We look forward to hearing more about the chemtrails and HAARP mind control as well, not to mention the race of men in the trees. We’re for prompt legislation. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: I Wrote A Term Paper Once, And You Are Wrong…
  load up on guns and bring your friends

Wayne LaPierre At CPAC Turns In Brilliant Parody Of Worst Gun-Fondler Stereotypes

National Rifle Association CEO and Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre admitted that he and most gun fondlers are motivated by fear, although he didn’t quite put it that way. At CPAC Thursday, the gun fetishist in chief shared a vision of America as a paranoid hellscape: “We fear for the safety of our families. It’s why neighborhood streets that were once filled with bicycles and skateboards and laughter in the air, now sit empty and silent … [For] the things we care about most, we feel profound loss. We’re sad, not because we fear something is going wrong, but because we know something already has gone wrong. That’s why more Americans are buying firearms and ammunition.” It’s nice to see Mr. LaPierre admit that the right’s obsessions with guns is largely driven by fear, and is largely a matter of perception. Poor man came remarkably close to something like an insight there, and then decided that the paranoid response is the reasonable answer, not a symptom of how sick the gun fondling worldview is. Read more on Wayne LaPierre At CPAC Turns In Brilliant Parody Of Worst Gun-Fondler Stereotypes…
  god damn it you've got to be kind

Nice Time: Good Guy With A Calm Voice Stops A Bad Guy With A Gun

Here’s an actual hero: Antoinette Tuff, a clerk at Ronald E. McNair Discovery Learning Academy in Decatur, Georgia, who talked Michael Brandon Hill into laying down his semiautomatic rifle and abandoning his plan to commit suicide by cop yesterday. Hill had come to the school expecting to shoot up the school and then to die in a shootout with police; instead, Tuff talked to him for an hour while teachers, staff, and 870 children waited in the locked-down building. Hill eventually surrendered and the school was evacuated; nobody was injured. Read more on Nice Time: Good Guy With A Calm Voice Stops A Bad Guy With A Gun…
  get yer war of northern aggression on

Boss Hogg Takes Over As NRA President

Alabama, you have given this nation so much: George Wallace, Bull Connor, Roy Moore, insanely restrictive abortion laws, Richard Shelby AND Jeff Sessions in the same Congress, crappy Neil Young songs, and even crappier Lynrd Skynrd responses. Your generosity in contributing to this nation’s civic and cultural life is so vast, we can never repay you. So we’re begging you to stop. No seriously, please stop. What’s that? You have one more gift to bestow upon America? Is it a pony? We love ponies! No? It’s this guy? Oh. Thanks. We love it. Do you by chance have the receipt? Why? Oh no reason, it’s just that we have so many stereotypical Southern fat-ass good ol’ boys working on marching us back to the nineteenth century (the first half anyway, because that was the better half) we couldn’t possibly find a use for another one. Everyone meet Jim Porter, the incoming president of the NRA. No, he is not replacing vile bleeding anus Wayne LaPierre, who is the august organization’s vice-president and still its most prominent mouthpiece. But based on this video and the stories we dug up about him, we’re betting Jim Porter will not be a moderating influence: Read more on Boss Hogg Takes Over As NRA President…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Like Crazed Person With Gun, Senate Kills Everything It Sees

Hey remember how yr Wonkette told you, over and over, that the Senate’s gun control bill was going to die…with (well really without) votes? We now declare this meme dead along with the bill. Today the Senate votes on the package of amendments to the watered-down gun control bill it has spent three months painfully laboring to birth. The most famous is the Manchin-Toomey amendment, which would have expanded background checks to gun shows and private sales that account for 40% of all gun sales in our society. Only 90% of Americans support this measure, which is not a majority out in the precincts of Wingnuttistan. Despite that number, the amendment only needs 60% of senators to vote in favor in order to pass, and it can’t even garner that, as 42 senators have publicly announced they will vote against it. Read more on Like Crazed Person With Gun, Senate Kills Everything It Sees…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

In Which We Are Irrationally Hopeful That Not Everyone Is a Total Idiot About Gun Control

With the way so many of our politicians cower in terror every time they spot Wayne LaPierre rushing in their direction, his crazy eyes rolling in their sockets like the googly-eyed panda magnet on our refrigerator, we have thought we might break out the Dance of Joy if just one politician would tell him to go fuck himself. Connecticut Governor Dan Malloy did just that on Sunday’s edition of State of the Union, telling Candy Crowley that LaPierre “reminds me of the clowns at the circus,” adding “this guy is so out of whack, it’s unbelievable.” Malloy just this week signed into law some tough new gun restrictions in his state, including banning over 100 types of assault weapons, restricting ammunition clips to ten rounds, requiring background checks on all gun purchases, eligibility rules for buying bullets, and a dangerous weapon offenders registry. Yay Connecticut! Read more on In Which We Are Irrationally Hopeful That Not Everyone Is a Total Idiot About Gun Control…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Gun News Roundup: Wayne LaPierre Is A Vile Sack of Garbage, Plus Some Things You Might Have Not Already Known

Greetings, representatives of the People’s Glorious Wonkitburo! We thought we would start this edition of Our Cold Dead Hands with a gun-related tale that could have had terrible and tragic consequences for world diplomacy, but because no one was hit with any shotgun pellets, turned out to be amusing in a “Holy flurking shnit” sort of way. It seems that back in 2006, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was in New York for the United Nations General Assembly, that forum every year where the world’s craziest leaders get a chance to stand up and denounce the Zionists or water fluoridation or whatever plot their fortune tellers see in a bunch of goat entrails spread on a rock in their backwards desert kingdoms. One day during the confab, Ahmadinejad and his entourage were getting into their cars outside his hotel. Nearby, a Secret Service agent (the Secret Service guards foreign dignitaries when they are in the U.S.) was adjusting a shotgun mounted on the side of his Suburban when the gun went off. Luckily no one was hurt. Our favorite part of the story is that Ahmadinejad heard the shotgun blast, looked around, and seemingly thought to himself “Gunfire? Oh right, I’m in America.” Then he got into his car and drove to the U.N. because again, America, what are you going to do, amiright? Anyway, everyone close your eyes and try to imagine the nightmare of an international incident that would have been a Secret Service agent accidentally blowing away Iran’s leader on U.S. soil. During the Bush Administration, no less. And the Secret Service, you would think those guys would be be firearms experts! But no one was hurt or killed, so it falls under the rubric of an amusing, if frightening, little anecdote. It is not much, but we take what we can get at Wonkette. Read more on Gun News Roundup: Wayne LaPierre Is A Vile Sack of Garbage, Plus Some Things You Might Have Not Already Known…
  guns don't kill people ... oh fuck it

Noted Anti-Rape Activists At The NRA Surprisingly Cool With Domestic Abuse

Are you having a nice Monday? Well we are here to help you with that. Go find a bucket and read this New York Times front pager about gunz and protective orders and prepare for some rage-induced dry heaving. Things are about to get hardcore sad up in here. So for the past few weeks the normally uber-masculine folks who are associated with the gun lobby and the other various tangential steel-phallus worshiping groups have all been very concerned with rape, or at least one very specific form of rape. NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre spoke at CPAC last week (because wherever there is an open mic LaPierre will find it through a process of passive osmosis) to once again tell the fervent crowd about how the industry that floods his 401k with blood money is literally the only force that is securing the existence of our people and a future for white women and children. Specifically, LaPierre was very concerned about the hordes of spree rapists lying in wait throughout this country and only being kept at bay by women empowered through the dependable panacea of a concealed handgun permits. Read more on Noted Anti-Rape Activists At The NRA Surprisingly Cool With Domestic Abuse…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

The Week in Guns: Please Proceed With Your Mansplaining, Jerks

What a week for gun news to wrap our cold dead hands around. We have already told you about the dust-up in the Senate Judiciary Committee when Canadian anchor baby Ted Cruz (R-Pew! Pew!) mansplained the Constitution to Dianne Feinstein and DiFi told him to STFU and DIAF. Readers who know something about DiFi’s history know she became mayor of San Francisco in 1978 when George Moscone was shot to death along with Harvey Milk, an experience she mentioned in the course of telling the CAB to STFU and DIAF. Last week’s exchange led Glenn “Gotta Cut Footloose” Reynolds to posit that DiFi’s work on gun control is being driven by PTSD and not rational policymaking. A lawmaker bringing personal experience to bear on a policy position? Is this not the same thing for which the Instaputz was defending Rob Portman’s honor over his flip-flop on gay marriage against vicious leftists? Why, yes it is, and on the same day he was suggesting DiFi might be suffering from PTSD. Good job, Instaputz. Read more on The Week in Guns: Please Proceed With Your Mansplaining, Jerks…
  good guys and bad guys with guns

Yeah, No, Seriously, Los Angeles Spree-Killer Cop Is Really, *REALLY* Liberal

We have already read about what made Los Angeles spree-killin’ cop Christopher Dorner go Django on the entire LAPD (and their families). It was LAPD racisms. So we know who (and what) he hates. But who does he love? Just about all your typical libtards, like Hillary Clinton and Larry David and Ellen Degeneres and Anderson Cooper and Joe Scarborough and Chris Christie and Jon Huntsman. What? After the jump, some extensive selections from his manifesto (this one uncensored), which we had kind of stopped reading after we got through the racisms parts, where he espouses best wishes for women in the military, Hillary (or Christie!) 2016, and burning hell for the Westboro Baptist Church and the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre, because nobody (including himself) needs the kind of fucking arsenal with which he is currently terrorizing the country’s second biggest metropolis, and where your Editrix is currently never leaving her apartment again. Read more on Yeah, No, Seriously, Los Angeles Spree-Killer Cop Is Really, *REALLY* Liberal…