Washington DC teems with glamorous and exciting hotels, such as the Mayflower Hotel, where Eliot Spitzer once famously kept his socks on while he banged a cheaply tattooed former drug addict from New Jersey. The Watergate Hotel is sort of famous, too, for being next door to the Watergate office building. MORE »

You know who that presumptuous half-breed muslin Barack Obama doesn’t compare himself to nearly enough? Our greatest president, Richard Nixon! Celebrate the season with this creepy recording from the good old days. [YouTube/Pareene]

As we all know, racist old colostomy bag Jesse Helms bravely died on the patriotic anti-gay July 4 day of American Independence … or did he? Our sources in North Carolina say there’s an insane nursing-home cover-up engineered by the Jesse Helms Center’s goons to make gullible racist Americans believe Helms died and went to Hell in the early hours of July 4, when his rancid body actually expired on the night of July 3! MORE »

Recently unearthed Nixon White House tapes (always words we are thrilled to read) reveal that Dick could occasionally be sorta lucid and spot-on, while still spouting obscenities and insults in that classic Nixon style. Back in the dark days of Watergate, a young Republican prosecutor named Fred Thompson (whose exciting first debate is being liveblogged below as we speak!) was appointed by the Senate to join Democratic prosecutor Sam Dash in investigating Nixon’s various and sundry crimes. Dick was not particularly happy to hear this. MORE »

It’s a hallowed Autumn tradition to take the kids to the Corn Maze, but there’s extra fun in store for youngsters at Richland, Michigan’s Gulf Meadows Farms this year, because they’ve based their 2007 Corn Maze design on Gerald Ford’s head. Jerry Ford, of course, was our greatest president and he pardoned Nixon and covered up JFK’s assassination and almost got himself assassinated, twice in 17 days, in California, and bravely fought inflation and was from Michigan.

Gulf Meadows Farms Corn Maze

Just in case you were wondering what Condoleezza’s apartment looks like, some blog has dug up the floorplan for a Watergate apartment with the same layout. Master bath is a nice size but that kitchen! Useless! And the grand piano’s gotta cut into a lot of the space for entertaining in the living room, it’s a good thing no one in DC answers her calls anymore.

Condi Rice’s Watergate Apartment [DC Metrocentric]

Willard “Mitt” Romney’s hideous industrial park headquarters in Boston’s North End were broken into late last night, according to the Globe. Several computers and a television were reportedly stolen in what Romney’s campaign calls “a routine burglary.” And you know what that means: this is a conspiracy that goes to the very highest reaches of the US government. Of course, unless the Globe has a crack CIA plant “metro reporter” with conveniently high-level sources feeding him the details as part of an inter-agency bureaucratic war, we may never know what really went down at the Romneygate. MORE »

In the Watergate era, “Deep Throat” was supposedly a government insider who met Bob Woodward in a parking garage and moodily smoked cigarettes while wearing a trench coat. The fact that Woodward himself was a government spook recently transferred from Naval Intelligence to the Washington Post newsroom led many to assume “Deep Throat” was a group of CIA bigshots nervous about the Nixon Administration turning the nation into a dictatorship, or something. Anyway, Nixon finally gave up for the sake of the country and everybody won Academy Awards for “All the President’s Men” and Henry Kissinger is still at large. MORE »

Back in the late ’70s, two kindly yet inept gentlemen were elected as president and vice president, simply because their names weren’t Nixon, Agnew or Ford. One of those men, former VP and failed 1984 Dem presidential nominee Walter Mondale, now wants you to know that Dick Cheney isn’t the only super-powerful Dr. Evil in recent presidential history. Turns out Walter Mondale kicked a lot of ass back in the day, but he did it with the utmost gentility and old-fashioned midwest manners. MORE »

Well, looks like Harriet Miers and Josh Bolten are now officially in contempt of Congress, thanks to the 22-17 vote of the House panel, pictured at left. Miers and Bolten were arrested and sent to Abu Ghraib to await their show trial in 2012. MORE »

Harriet Miers and White House chief of staff Josh Bolten will be charged with contempt this week by the House Judiciary Committee, beginning what will hopefully be an 18-month-long process of charges, arrests, impeachments, imprisonments and live, boring cable-news coverage that will ultimately end with Dick Cheney convicted of doing 9/11 and getting beheaded on live teevee. MORE »