Wonkette

At first this might look like the Formula One guy’s kinky Nazi S&M hooker orgy, but no, it’s just Christopher Hitchens getting waterboarded while terrible spin-class techno music plays in the background. We look forward to the tasering video next. [Vanity Fair]

Yesterday, Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland, who many suggested would be a great white vice president for Barack Obama, ruled out any speculation of his chances by invoking the words of famous Civil War Criminal William Tecumseh Sherman: “If drafted, I will not run; nominated, I will not accept; and if elected, I will not serve. So, I don’t know how more crystal clear I can be.” Why is he lying so much? It’s now clear: he has another duty as Governor that need his full attention this summer, that are far more important than “auditioning” for veep: the first annual “Ted Strickland for Governor 2008 Cornhole Tournament Tour.” This sounds like fun. How does one get involved with Ted Strickland’s Cornhole? MORE »

That secret Bilderberg meeting between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton? Now they’re saying it actually happened at the NW Washington home of one of California’s lady senators, Diane Feinstein. She is also an older liberal woman in the Senate who sometimes is a loser, so Hillary asked to borrow her living room. Feinstein turned it into a Chamber of Naked Horror. MORE »

Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman has built a long and distinguished career impersonating that uncle who shows up at family reunions to drink seltzer water and complain about his chillblains. Now he is holding forth on one of his most cherished causes: waterboarding. MORE »

Hey look, it’s one of those days with a guest editor, because the real editor is doing something else! Wonkette’s comic book and foreign affairs correspondent Josh Fruhlinger will be filling in for Ken Layne today. Anything could happen!

A heroic undercover investigation spent weeks determining that “contractors” working for the U.S. government were engaged in systematic mistreatment of detainees. These cruel monsters tormented their captives — many of whom were old and sick — in the name of helping American children. When the shocking video of the torment was released, though, swift government action brought the the un-American practices to an end. At last, there’s justice — for cows! MORE »

Nuh uh. You’re shitting me. The Department of Justice has opened a criminal investigation into the destruction of those CIA interrogation tapes? That means either (a) Michael Mukasey will be fired immediately for not living up to the Bush standards set by Alberto Gonzales or (b) he will conclude that the tapes were fine, a little waterboarding here and there, but that’s only torture when performed by Megan Carpentier. (Shudder). [Bloomberg]

Judge Henry Kennedy, about whom we had so much hope earlier this week, declined this afternoon to immediately hold a hearing to determine why the CIA reportedly destroyed evidence he ordered preserved. It seems at least partly like the fault of the detainees’ lawyers, whose best argument was “we can’t trust them” when asked why the Mukasey investigation shouldn’t be allowed to continue. While that works great in political circles, it’s basically telling a judge that the other lawyer is planning on violating the law (and a complete no-no in court, I’m told) and isn’t going to fly as a legal argument. Plus, it’s not a great response to a whole list of technical legal arguments brought up by the government. Like, seriously? If you want to win instead of just get on TV, how about spending more time on your briefs and less making political points for the teevee cameras. Otherwise, we’re all probably going to lose. [NY Times]

Wonkette readers, I never properly introduced myself when I started in October — and this was because I have been living a lie. I am not, in fact, Jim Newell, the “supposed” 22-year-old brat in Washington who makes mindfuckingly hilarious political jokes and uber-trenchant political observation. I am actually Jim al-Newell, a perceived terrorist with al-Qaeda who has all sorts of fun CIA information and shit like that. I hid this double agent status well until one day, when I was walking around DC with Megan Carpentier and I *stupidly* wore my favorite t-shirt — the one that says “Perceived Terrorist” in big A-rab letters on the front. Megan proceeded to waterboard me and asked all sorts of insidery-like questions, like “What time should we publish the gossip roundup?” Torture, I says! She proceeded to destroy the tape of this session — but oh ho ho, my secret camera caught it all! Watch it above! Death to teh Amerkaz, I’m not going anywhere!

“The former CIA intelligence official who went public on ABC News about the agency’s use of waterboarding in interrogations, John Kiriakou, apparently will not be the subject of a Justice Department investigation, even though some CIA officials believe he revealed classified information about the use of waterboarding…. Gen. Michael Hayden, the CIA director, did sent out a classified memo this morning warning all employees ‘of the importance of protecting classified information,’ a CIA spokesperson told ABCNews.com.” Importance of whosawhatsitnow? Secrecy, got it. [ABC News]

The CIA is rolling out its charm offensive this week in the wake of reports that destroyed evidence and in the face of increasing public scrutiny of the waterboarding technique. Former CIA agent John Kiriakou got on the teevee to talk about that rose-hued day he and his team waterboarded notorious Al-Quaida bad guy Abu Zubaydah (pictured).

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During today’s White House Press Conference, Bushey press Secretary Dana Perino was asked, “Has the President teased you about the Cuban Missile Crisis at all?” This question erroneously presumes that Bush has a fucking clue what the Crisis was, but anyway, the White Rose of Poisony Ice Death responded, “No. It was a humorous show and I was exaggerating. Tell your host of your late-night show that.” Well I don’t have a late-night show or a host for it, but will do, Perino (Pareene-oh?).

Oh, also — she said waterboarding is legal. MORE »

It’s so hard to decide sometimes whether Ashcroft is good or evil. He presided over the initial implementation of the Patriot Act, then got hounded by Gonzo on his deathbed about illegal wiretapping and now he’s gone back to defending the Patriot Act again. But, now, it’s with more torture-y goodness!

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Suddenly-more-brilliant scary book author Stephen King is suggesting that a fellow member of the literati, Jenna Bush, undergo some “personal investigation” of waterboarding to determine for her father whether it’s torture or not. He mentioned this in a segment for Nightline, which he recounts in Time: “Someone in the Bush family should actually be waterboarded so they could report on it to George. I said, I didn’t think he would do it, but I suggested Jenna be waterboarded and then she could talk about whether or not she thought it was torture.” Oh Stephen, it’s not as easy as that! Waterboarding is torture some days, happy play time others. Our Attorney General can’t even decide if it’s torture, for Christ’s sake. [Time]