CAN’T CALL HER ‘DROPOUT’ NO MORE: Hey everybody, America’s favorite Alaskan teen mom graduated high school after all! Hopefully she’ll follow in her mom’s footsteps: Five community colleges, a BA in journamalism, and then kill off whatever’s left of the GOP. Mazel tov, Bris! [People/Gawker]

Remember Sarah Palin, the briefly famous wingnut lady who can’t speak, can’t read and can’t even remember the name of a single newspaper she pretends to read every day? Yeah, she’s getting millions of dollars from HarperCollins to write her “memoirs.” Jesus. She hired a lawyer last year (after she lost the election for McCain) to go after an $11 million advance. MORE »

Bristol Palin appeared on the TODAY show with Matt Lauer, all holding her cute sleeping baby and smiling serenely with her long shiny hair and talking about what hard work parenting is. Really? Because it looks … kind of awesome! All you have to do is fuck some sexy dunderhead once and boom, a year later you are on national teevee looking great with your adorable child and asking teenagers to “learn from your example.” Teenage pregnancy rates are going to skyrocket. [MSNBC]

Weren’t we just talking about Larry King? Yes we were! Well, the “king of all media” has some very special guests tonight, straight from the meth/moose/Taco Bell capital of the world, Wasilla. The singular Levi and Mercede Johnston will sit down this evening with Hollywood’s favorite death muppet, and dope-dealin’ mom Sherry Johnston is coming along for the ride. (The ride will be in an actual pickup truck, driven from Alaska. Sherry will be shotgun. Mercede likes to be closest to Levi, in the night.) MORE »

Not to be all Andrew Sullivan but WHAT THE HELL is Levi Johnston doing here, in May of last year, tenderly cradling supposed Sarah Palin child “Trig Palin” in this photograph taken in Sarah’s kitchen, days after Trig’s birth? And WHY was this photo shown on the Tyra Banks Program to illustrate teen father Levi Johnston holding his supposed son “Tripp Johnston,” supposedly birthed by Bristol Palin? And why is sister Mercede Johnston also photographed lovingly cradling this child she refers to as “baby brother,” (supposedly Sarah Palin’s supposed baby “Trigg Palin”) in the exact same Palin kitchen setting, on the same day? Look, we liked Twin Peaks, too, but this is just getting ridiculous. [Palin's Deceptions/Flickr]

This is going to go on forever — and eventually, it will involve the female participants wrestling in a vat of Taco Bell X-treme ketchup or whatever. Hooray! Now, lest you believe this is somehow “trivial” or “exactly what happens in much of America,” we want to remind you that this woman, Sarah Palin, intends to become President, somehow, and then she will install Trig as “Prince ‘o Peace,” and he will rule the world for 666 years, and then he will nuke it. He is made of nukes, Trig is.

We’re as sick of the Palins as every other idiot on this planet but for some reason HAHAHAHAHAH; when you marry a snowmobile stoner you marry his family too! “Todd Palin’s half-sister was arrested Thursday after police say she broke into a Wasilla home for the second time this week to steal money… Diana Palin, 35, entered a home near Wasilla’s Multi-Use Sports Complex and attempted to steal cash from the owner’s bedroom, police said. She also broke into the same house on Tuesday and stole $400, they said.” ES HARD 2 GET CREDDIT NOWDAYS. [ADN]

We never ever ever ever have any idea what Esquire is going on about, with this “Man of Now” or “Women With Boobs” or “Oh Christ She Is Really Amazing-Looking Isn’t She?” or whatever, but everybody loves to laugh at Alaska’s “first dude,” now being stage-managed by Scientologist weirdos Greta Van Susteren and her husband, Xenu da Squib, so here you go, it’s Todd Palin, just cold goin’ bonkers while Anger Bear is out of town executing wolves or stealing entire cargo ships of luxury goods. [Esquire]

• Oh, wonder what they are talking about today on America’s most illicit chain email, Die JournoList. Hm, how do you say “Michael Calderone” in Navajo? [Politico]
• Here is some playful near-homophone, anti-homophobe agitprop, brought to you by, who else, Chicago-based gays. [Andrew Sullivan]
• This must be a new photo that’s surfaced of the Vietnamese elaborately torturing John McCain. [Hotline On Call]
• O. Hussein Kennedy has shipped Daniel Rooney, the owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers, to Ireland, for ambassadoring purposes. [The Caucus]
• The Republicans were so excited that Sarah Palin, of the Wasilla Palins, would be speaking at some event in June. Except obviously even moose garbage like Sarah Palin doesn’t want to tarnish her image by doing that. [Ben Smith]

Only six months ago, Levi Johnston was just another dumb kid in the Alaskan outback of tattoo parlors and Taco Bells, banging a cute high school girl whose mom was something or other down in Juneau — president, maybe? And then it turned out the high school girl was, in fact, knocked up, from the abstinence. And her mom was running for vice president, although it was pretty clear that she was angling for the top job, which she could maybe get after her try-anything enabler died of Extreme Old Age and Crankiness, on Inauguration Day, assuming those clowns could actually get elected, which they didn’t, thank christ. Anyway, ABC News went and chased down poor dumb Levi Johnston again, now that Bristol Palin has officially done what everyone in America expected her to do: dump his lame ass, and “sanctity of marriage” be damned along with anything else inconvenient for the Palin Regime. MORE »

YOU DON’T SAY: “The teen love affair that rocked last year’s presidential race is over. Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, has ditched her baby daddy, Levi Johnston!” Hey Levi, call your pretend grandpa John McCain and ask why he’s against tattoo-removal programs for American losers. [The Star/Gawker]