Tag Archives: wasilla

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: We Showed Sarah Palin’s Bra, We Guess?

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
A man gave us money to watch The Sarah Palin Channel. That man was Fartknocker. In a recent Ask Me Anything, Sarah Palin started with a relatively simple question: “If (or when) you run for President, will you be calling for term limits?” The next FOUR WHOLE MINUTES are devoted to the former Alaska governor attempting to pick her way through a political minefield, because apparently Palin does everything in one take, love it or leave it. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: We Showed Sarah Palin’s Bra, We Guess?…
  Only Ten Million Votes Short Of A Heartbeat Away

Let’s All Listen To Track And Bristol Palin, And Laugh And Laugh

Can't be too careful
Update: Additional fun audio at end of post. Thank god for responsive government! We’ve already seen the police reports, and now Anchorage Police have released audio from their interviews with witnesses at the scene of the Great Wasillabilly Rumble. The recordings are a veritable treasure trove of alcohol-fueled rage, privilege, and score settling. There’s the Big Drama over Track’s maybe-lost St. George necklace, a talisman through which God Almighty bestowed His protection upon the War Hero: Read more on Let’s All Listen To Track And Bristol Palin, And Laugh And Laugh…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Still Hates The GOP

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
This week’s installment of The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker is a little light on content, mostly because the Sarah Palin Channel is a little light on content — 80 percent of last week’s posts were just recycled clips from Sarah Palin’s Alaska. But Sarah did find the time for her version of an Ask Me Anything, and she managed to whip up this lovely word salad, along with a nice That’s Not What That Phrase Means vinaigrette. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Still Hates The GOP…
  flowers in the attic

Wasilla Gentleman Almost Definitely Wouldn’t Lock Disabled Children In The Attic

Wasilla, Alaska, city councilman and state House candidate Mark Ewing is sorry, but if nobody else is going to make the tough choices, he will be the one to stand up and say it: Stop wasting tax money sending disabled kids to school! “We are spending millions and millions of dollars educating children that have a hard time making their wheelchair move,” he said in a candidates’ debate, “and, I’m sorry, but you’ve got to say, ‘no’ somewhere. We need to educate our children, but there are certain individuals that are just not going to benefit from an education.” Sorry, special needs children, it is time for you to go back to being chained in your parents’ attic like God and horror novellas intended! So Ewing said that, and then the newspaper quoted him and was all “OMG WTF LOLZ” and then Ewing was all FUCK YEAH I said it, PC POLICE!, but then he said, no wait a minute they misquoted me, because “liar.” But now Ewing is realizing (maybe?) that oh right, he did say that, he just misspoke. Read more on Wasilla Gentleman Almost Definitely Wouldn’t Lock Disabled Children In The Attic…
  we prefer 'pre-womyn'

Wasilla Idiot Holding Up ‘Year Of The Girl’ Proclamation: Girl Scouts Equal Abortion

Let this delightful tale to see you through your cold and lonely Passover. In Alaska, some senator (not Murkowski) wanted a proclamation from the state of a ‘year of the girl,’ that would also honor the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. The senator asked her student intern to present the measure. Read more on Wasilla Idiot Holding Up ‘Year Of The Girl’ Proclamation: Girl Scouts Equal Abortion…
  snowbilly divorce ethics

Sarah Palin Worried About Oil Money Conflict of Interest In Her Divorce

Way back in 2007, when Wonkette was literally the only national media actually covering Sarah Palin and her ridiculous role as John McCain’s vice-presidential candidate was still just a stain in Bill Kristol’s underroos, the Wasilla grifter was already planning her divorce from amiable extremist dolt Todd Palin. Emails finally released on Thursday show Sarah was scheming even then, and wondering if her divorce from Todd — a laborer on the North Slope oil fields — would somehow lead to charges of conflict of interest because of Governor Sarah’s “drill baby drill” policies. None of this makes any sense, because Sarah Palin is a lifelong idiot. But she is consistently phony and amoral, when it comes to “family values,” at least! Read more on Sarah Palin Worried About Oil Money Conflict of Interest In Her Divorce…
  uhhh

Wasilla Authorities Censor Giant Vagina

Local authorities in the exurban slush slum of Wasilla, Alaska, have taken direct action to stop a large, weird vagina from getting any additional media attention. The Mat-Su Frontiersman (?) reports: Read more on Wasilla Authorities Censor Giant Vagina…
  new study proves it

Fox News: Americans Overwhelmingly Want Sarah Palin To Disappear

A new Fox News poll says 71% of Republicans don’t want quitter-grifter Sarah Palin in the 2012 race. But why? Isn’t she still fun? No? Apparently not. She is a worn-out old circus hag, and even teabaggers have noticed that the only thing she cares about is getting media attention for Sarah Palin. Could the Wasilla creep’s celebrity gravy train finally be breaking down? We hope so! We also hope the Palins do what every white-trash lotto-winning family always does, which is piss through the whole insane fortune in a couple of years and wind up destitute. That toothless crone selling meth in the bathroom at the Anchorage train station in 2020 is likely to be one-time vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin! Read more on Fox News: Americans Overwhelmingly Want Sarah Palin To Disappear…
  the wasilla quitter quits again

Basket Case Quitter Sarah Palin Cancels Her Own Tea Party Headliner

What has Sarah Palin quit today? Her own headline act at Iowa’s big Tea Party circus this Saturday. And how is this different than everything else this mentally unstable con-artist has quit since losing her one and only national election? Well, this time, she managed to attack her former dingbat-grifter protege Christine O’Donnell in the process, because Sarah just couldn’t stand the idea that a younger, prettier version of herself might take some of the spotlight — even though Christine O’Donnell isn’t even considered a “potential presidential candidate” by the delusional old white cranks of the Tea Party. Oh, Sarah, you never let us down, the way you constantly let everyone down. Read more on Basket Case Quitter Sarah Palin Cancels Her Own Tea Party Headliner…
  wasilla family values

Wasilla City Council Gone Wild! Trashed Hotel Edition

Sarah Palin’s brainless gaggle of relatives, offspring and offspring baby daddies do not have the entire monopoly on foolish drunken mayhem in Wasilla, but if you extend that network to cover Sarah Palin’s former employees, yeah, that’s still pretty much it. Ex-Sarah Palin administrative assistant and current Wasilla City Council member Steve Menard got drunk and Keith Mooned a hotel room with an epic spree of vomit, urine and smoldering ashes during his stay at the Westmark Sitka while on business for the city, and then, bonus, he tried to pass the hotel charges to the public. Good times on the city dime! The Wasilla City Council was not totally entertained, but what are you going to do, fire the guy? Then who of Sarah Palin’s friends is even left to hold office? Todd Palin’s moldy antler collection? Read more on Wasilla City Council Gone Wild! Trashed Hotel Edition…
  endless grifters

Naked Levi Johnston’s Sister Now Also Naked And Yelling At Bristol Palin

What are the bitter, unemployed naked young people in Wasilla doing these days between meth come downs? Still aborting America’s collective remaining brain cells one by one with the gale-force toxic winds of their regularly scheduled rants rehashing the gross details of Bristol Palin’s achievements in unprotected sex? Yes, is your answer. Secondary Palin family media welfare beneficiary Mercede Johnston did the Johnston family thing and posed nude for the September issue of Playboy to get someone to listen to her “tell her side of the Bristol-Levi tent sex parties” that she was never involved in, again. Has Levi ever thought to himself, “it’s weird my sister is always talking about my penis?” No. Oh well, what’s the shocker this time: “Bristol Palin like totally planned her pregnancy.” Are we even still talking about 2008? Read more on Naked Levi Johnston’s Sister Now Also Naked And Yelling At Bristol Palin…
  gold medal in dumb

Sarah Palin Also Wrong About Everything Else She Says On Dumb Bus Tour

Her hilarious re-imagining of American History is getting most of the lulz right now, but a guy called “Fact Checker” at the Washington Post has put together a semi-comprehensive list of other major falsehoods the Wasilla Grifter has jabbered into microphones since renting that tour bus. Read more on Sarah Palin Also Wrong About Everything Else She Says On Dumb Bus Tour…
  just like MLK jr.

Sarah Palin Honors Vets With Photo Of Herself On A Motorcycle

Happy Memorial Day! It is time to honor America’s War Heroes, meaning Sarah Palin. America’s favorite snowbilly grifter showed up Sunday at “Rolling Thunder,” a non-partisan organization which raises awareness of veterans’ issues through the display of motorcycles that run on Muslim-Arabian fuel. Palin attracted a crowd of rally-goers eager to honor Sarah’s service in foreign wars, we guess. Sadly, she didn’t get to make a speech thanking these people for honoring her terrible sacrifices, so instead she just scrawled the words “justice rolls” on her hand in ink. Is this biker-gang humor? Read more on Sarah Palin Honors Vets With Photo Of Herself On A Motorcycle…
  alaskan public art

Delightful Airport Restroom Graffiti Proves You’re In Alaska

Our men’s room correspondent in Anchorage sent this wonderful picture of the bathroom wall at Ted Stevens International Airport. We guess this is what they call “publicly funded art” in Alaska, as everyone up there gets those “oil welfare” checks. Read more on Delightful Airport Restroom Graffiti Proves You’re In Alaska…
  needy has-beens

Sad Sarah Palin Begging Blogs To Cover Her Squirmish-y Speeches

Squirmish-y grifter Sarah Palin isn’t getting noticed enough by the media she pretends to hate! This is why the multi-millionaire human fraud and political quitter is begging the Huffington Post to please, please, please keep her in the blog-news cycle. It’s one thing to be a gleefully ignorant demagogue to a bunch of unemployed housebound white people on Twitter clicking the ‘puter until their electricity is shut off again, but how does Sarah get money from that? She needs those $100,000 checks for squeaking out some half-baked bigotry, and in order to be “worth the money” (to billionaires), she’s got her press aide sending these desperate tweets begging the blogs and television networks to cover Sarah’s latest spill of word salad. Because when the media coverage of vapid human oddity Sarah Palin stops, the $100,000 appearances stop. There’s just one problem: Even the media is tired of Sarah Palin, the most reliable clown of the past three years. What’s Grandma Palin gonna do now? Read more on Sad Sarah Palin Begging Blogs To Cover Her Squirmish-y Speeches…
  heads and minds

Wasilla Soldier Who Murdered Afghans For Fun Also Posed With Their Heads

Another proud product of Wasilla, Alaska, Army Specialist Jeremy Morlock has plead guilty to three counts of murder for killing Afghan civilians to pass the time when he wasn’t killing the other kind of Afghans. But that’s not all! Some of Morlock’s comrades have also been charged with following his lead to murder these people, and doing so while on drugs. Usually, this would be just another “unfortunate murders in a murder zone of important murders” story, and everyone’s eyes would glaze over, but now there are pixxx. Read more on Wasilla Soldier Who Murdered Afghans For Fun Also Posed With Their Heads…
  has-beens

Even Republicans Finally Tired of Sarah Palin

Aging reality-show diva Sarah Palin is finally suffering the fate of all talentless “famous for being famous” people: Her popularity is rapidly fading, and her days as an A-lister are forever in the past. This doesn’t mean she’ll ever have to actually work for a living — there will be infomercials for adult diapers, live appearances at regional strip-mall openings and other low-rent ways to bring in enough money to keep her far more comfortable than she deserves. But even Fox News is about to drop Palin from a lucrative on-air contract, as her nails-on-chalkboard voice and jabbering nonsense have never translated into ratings for the cable channel, and her unfavorable rating with Republican voters is now at an all-time high of 37%, worse than any other Republican talking about running for president in 2012. It only took two-and-a-half years of the most venal, vulgar behavior to chop Palin down to nobody size again, but now there’s at least the hope of seeing the Wasilla Grifter pushed off the national stage forever. Read more on Even Republicans Finally Tired of Sarah Palin…
  and she's got a new penis to ride!

Bristol Palin Mumbles Dumbly To Alaska ‘Rock Jocks’

America’s princess, Bristol Palin, did an exclusive phone-in with these two minor-market FM morning show announcers all about the mysteries of her life — and she called in from her Arizona stucco ghetto foreclosure about 50 miles outside of Phoenix, surrounded by garbage and cotton fields and bits of rock, and you can almost see her, in your mind, sitting on the floor of maybe the fourth bedroom, staring vacantly at the broken mini-blinds hanging lopsided over the dusty window, and she’s got a Taco Bell bag on the floor and she’s just chomping on various items (Taco Bun, Double Taco Bun Supreme, Lard Lick, etc.) between her mush-mouth squeak answers to these obsequious dolts on the classic rock station up in Wasilla. Just listen to these brown-nosers, it’s like Sarah drove over there on her quad or whatever before the segment and threatened to saw off their nuts if they didn’t display proper groveling diffidence to this 20-year-old known for getting pregnant once, many years ago, when she was a teen-ager and John McCain was running for president. Read more on Bristol Palin Mumbles Dumbly To Alaska ‘Rock Jocks’…
  willow for president!

Willow Palin Buys Drugs In Target Parking Lot

Important political magazine Life & Style (is this that Tina Brown/Newsweek thing?) just sent us a very important news update on Willow Palin, the hot teen sensation of Discovery Channel’s new travel video, White Trash On Drugz. According to unimpeachable sources (other white trash kids in Wasilla), Willow is such a piece of trash. Plus she is so dumb, she buys marijuana in Alaska, where it is free and grows everywhere — except anywhere around a Palin, as the only food that doesn’t wilt in the presence of a Palin woman is something assembled by Taco Bell. Let’s learn all about parking lot life in Wasilla, at 1 a.m., with your favorite “first family,” the Palins! Read more on Willow Palin Buys Drugs In Target Parking Lot…
  school these days

Willow, Bristol Palin Call Fellows ‘Fat,’ Use Gay Slur On Facebook

Politics news: Willow and Bristol Palin are teenagers from podunk Alaska and are not brilliant honors students. So they are on The Facebook, where they are easily led into angry Facebook “flame wars” when people say their mother’s horrible teevee show is horrible. So, surprise! Willow uses gay slurs and calls people “fat” and uses other “f-bombs” when she is talking about teenagers she does not like! And then Bristol comes in, all adult-like, to tell people, “I’m successful because I’m a hard ass worker.” It’s not clear whether this simply means she works hard (at being the daughter of a famous hick?) or if she is actually employed as something called an “ass worker,” but you can read this conversation for yourself and feel bad for spending part of your adult life looking at the inane words of children that some other adult took the time to record from Facebook. Read more on Willow, Bristol Palin Call Fellows ‘Fat,’ Use Gay Slur On Facebook…
  evolution in action

Lawrence O’Donnell Goes Over Famous Genius Levi Johnston’s Head

Hey now! It’s new MSNBC gotcha journalist Lawrence O’Donnell! He’s got a show on that teevee librul treehouse now. The show features animated clouds floating over the New York City skyline behind O’Donnell’s head, chiefly. But yesterday it also featured Levi Johnston, and Lawrence O’Donnell asked Levi serious foreign policy questions, because Lawrence O’Donnell is hilarious and THE BEST at gotcha-ing. Read more on Lawrence O’Donnell Goes Over Famous Genius Levi Johnston’s Head…
  unleash the campaign-documents-raken

Levi Johnston Files Candidacy For Mayor of Wasilla Hearts

Internet municipal-election registration-document compendium TMZ has obtained Levi Johnston’s Alaska Public Offices Commission letter of intent to run for office in Wasilla. Apparently Levi is running for “City of Wasilla 2011.” Is it possible to be elected a city rather than just elected to an office of that city? IT’S UP TO THE VOTERS. Read more on Levi Johnston Files Candidacy For Mayor of Wasilla Hearts…