Our little Levi Johnston is known for one thing, and that’s putting his wang into Sarah Palin’s teen-aged daughter’s hoohah. AND YET … his Playgirl pictorial will be ruined by some type of duck blind over his ding-dong. But what will cover Wasilla’s most infamous working-class wiener? Our op-art specialist Lauri Apple has many suggestions. MORE »

If you’ve ever dreamed of joining four other random slobs for a very sexy dinner with Sarah Palin and her snowmobile stoner husband Todd, next Tuesday is your lucky day! Maybe. That’s when you can start bidding on the eBay for a special group-food-eating occasion with some unemployed woman in Alaska who — for reasons not even Republicans pretend to understand — was a media celebrity for a few months last year. MORE »

Alaskan teen Levi Johnston is famous for banging one of Sarah Palin’s daughters in Sarah Palin’s house in a special fuck room Sarah Palin created for the children, and ever since America has turned to Young Mr. Levi for tawdry details of the Palin Lifestyle. The latest, from some awful celebrity shit site: Todd and Sarah got some terrible marriage problems! MORE »

Sarah Palin is so super-maverick-y now that she won’t even honor her vow to make a speech at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, where she was scheduled to speak at the Simi Valley Republican Ladies Group Fund-raiser for Republicans, a very widely reported exciting event that was to be her first public appearance since just quitting the governorship of Alaska because fuck those people, right? MORE »

The trade journal Inside Radio reports: “While not exactly shopping the GOP’s 2008 vice presidential candidate, sources say Palin representatives have been quietly testing the waters to see how much interest radio syndicators have for her.” Perfect! This is how Palin does everything now: passive-aggressively “gauge interest” and if people don’t kiss your ass enough, even though you commit to nothing, just say Fuck ‘Em and move on to the next assholes who won’t give you the proper respect. Then you can write a poem about it, on Twitter. [Inside Radio via Political Wire]

Levi Johnston made quite a name for himself by impregnating that Palin daughter (NOT PIPER YOU MONSTERS) and then going on the Larry King Live occasionally and grunting out a few monosyllables in between commercial breaks. “Yes. No. I don’t know.” But yesterday he held a NEWS CONFERENCE at his lawyer’s office to reveal the SHOCKING TRUE SECRET behind his ex-girlfriend’s mom’s resignation from the Alaska governorship. MORE »

With wingnut witchcraft, Twitter, tanning, book banning, dope smoking, creationism, anti-terrorist pallin’, gay-convertin’ and progressin’ her state by quittin’ her state job as governor, Sarah Palin was the meanest, dumbest box of hair to take the national stage since Abraham Lincoln ran one of his famous coonskin-cap-clad “Lincoln Logs” for Congress, as a joke. Enjoy all one-hundred hilarious reasons why our Snowbilly grifter and Alaskan Anger Bear was really what America deserved. [True/Slant Idiocracy Index]

Courtesy of Wonkette commenter Atheist Nun, here’s your Fourth of July Blingee, featuring history’s lamest whining quitter. Whether Sarah Palin will be indicted and put in prison forever or not, we will always appreciate her, in our hearts, for ruining the teabaggers’ big plans to have all 500 teabaggers meet in a park somewhere to complain about having socialist parks where they can meet. Sorry, teabaggers! Happy Independence Day, everybody! Click the to watch Barack Obama’s happy July 4th video e-card! MORE »

Nutty Palin spokeslady Meg Stapleton was in New York when Nutty Palin suddenly resigned as governor of Alaska, the state that elected her as governor two-and-a-half years ago. Listen to Meg make NO SENSE as a baffled Anderson Cooper asks her again and again, “Lady why are you talking about basketball, and how does quitting equal leadership, and I don’t know who the hoop is, and who the ball is.” Cooper’s expressions around 4:40 are priceless. [CNN/YouTube]

WIN OF THE AFTERNOON: In the middle of this monster Palin Chaos Theory post, commenter-person Alaska Girl reminds us why Sarah Palin’s latest “I’m gonna take my ball and go home” move is standard Wasilla Snowbilly behavior: “She didn’t finish her term as mayor, stepping down to run for Lt. Governor. She didn’t finish her term on the petroleum board ethics panel, she resigned in protest and then ran for Governor. She doesn’t want the office, she just likes running for office. She doesn’t want (can’t actually) accomplish anything, she just wants to talk about it.”

First of all, Sarah Palin, go to HELL for ruining your editor’s day of patriotic rest and BBQ. Second, why did you really quit, crazy lady? We admit to “jumping to conclusions” (trying to hurry up and get back outside to our cocktails and friends), but the story may be more complicated than “Sarah Palin is a sociopath who will just quit being governor of Alaska THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS before the next presidential election, just to show her, uhm, Leadership Credentials, which means constantly yelling at David Letterman about a joke she couldn’t comprehend.” But there are so many more crazy theories about America’s craziest Alaskan Anger Bear, the snowbilly grifter and strip-mall Ice Queen of Wasilla. Let’s examine them, together! MORE »