Tag Archives: washington

  Drinks Before Dinner & Wine With Dinner & After Dinner Drinks

Come Drink With Yr Wonkette At the Seattle Drinky Thing

Derp Needle Not Included
Hope you Pacific Northwesty Wonkers have your Saturday evening clear, because the Great PNW Wonkette Drinking Tour is on its way to Seattle this weekend. Yr Editrix will be there. Yr Web maven ShyPixel will be there (just look for the orange pixel shyly sitting in the background). Yr Doktor Zoom will be there, and he will have ponies, maybe! Read more on Come Drink With Yr Wonkette At the Seattle Drinky Thing…
  i want to be the girl with the most beer

Seattle Wonkpals, Are You Ready For Your Lovepile?

Seattle, you have been waiting long and you have been waiting hard for a Wonkette Drinky Thing and Lovepile of your very own. You have been waiting long and hard because WE HATE YOU. But considering you are such dedicated Wonkers that you have thrown your own Fauxty Things, and considering also your comrade and our web developer Shypixel lives in Missoula, Montana, which is reasonably close to Seattle, and we wanted to meet him after doing much flirting and sexual harassing in the sexcret wonket chatcave, to which he responded quite positively, we decided to throw you one anyway. (Again, to be clear: this was so we could meet Shypixel, not so we could buy you beer, because of how WE HATE YOU.) Luckily, our date with Shypixel — which has lasted 19 days so far — is still going kind of okay, we guess. Right now we are on an island — a literal island, where we have thrown crab pots at crabs and thrown rocks at the water and thrown our dog at a deer, for murdering — so, you know, whatever. “Date.” Read more on Seattle Wonkpals, Are You Ready For Your Lovepile?…
  Are you sure they said today?

Hundreds of Patriots, Cleverly Disguised As Tourists, Rally For Impeachment At White House

At noon on Saturday, the Real Americans of the greater Washington, DC metropolitan area were set to celebrate National Impeach Obama Week by meeting at the White House to call for the immediate impeachment of Kenyan Usurper President Barry Soetoro. The Wonket Washington Bureau readied full team coverage and had the interns price out some down-market gas masks, expecting a constitutionally righteous mob of sign-wielding activists surging forward against a line of police officers summoned from surrounding jurisdictions. Read more on Hundreds of Patriots, Cleverly Disguised As Tourists, Rally For Impeachment At White House…
  world's most deliberative bodies

Politico Reporter: Kirsten Gillibrand Is a Lying Liar, Since No Man in Congress Has Ever Been Sexist

k to the g
On Wednesday, the New York Post published tidbits of what promises to be an entertaining and depressing new interview with Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand in which she describes being called “fat” and told to work out more since she was getting “porky” by older male colleagues in the House and Senate. What’s not to love about being a female senator? It gets you membership in a very small and exclusive club within the world’s most deliberative body, plus all the free fitness tips and affirmative motivation you can tolerate on your wellness journey! Read more on Politico Reporter: Kirsten Gillibrand Is a Lying Liar, Since No Man in Congress Has Ever Been Sexist…
  the cat came back

Disgraced Sex Furry And Ex-Congresscritter David Wu Still Haunts Halls Of Congress Like Sad Lost Soul

You guys probably remember the weird story of former Oregon Rep. David Wu, whose embarrassing departure from Congress Wonkette never mentioned because he’s a Democrat, right? In 2011, Wu was accused of an “unwanted sexual encounter” with a friend’s 18-year-old daughter, and resigned in disgrace, although ultimately no charges were brought. (Wu claimed the sex was consensual, like they all do.) So what’s he been up to since then? Buzzfeed’s Kate Nocera says he’s been wandering around Congress and DC like some former high school football player who can’t stop “dropping by” the old school three years after he was expelled. David Wu, don’t you know that the Matthew McConaughey character in Dazed & Confused is not a role model? Read more on Disgraced Sex Furry And Ex-Congresscritter David Wu Still Haunts Halls Of Congress Like Sad Lost Soul…
  you don't have to dress badly to be a homophobe -- but it helps!

Hate-Fest Fashion: Men of the Sweat-Soaked Cloth

If you’re having a party to advocate keeping the gays second-class citizens as long as possible and holding it in the very best swampy heat that Washington, DC has to offer, there are many things you need to ask yourself. In addition to questioning any number of your life choices, you must decide what to wear! And so Wonkette proudly presents the Sweaty Fundamentalist Summer Collection. Read more on Hate-Fest Fashion: Men of the Sweat-Soaked Cloth…
  'box of dildos' would be a great band name

Here’s Your Video With Glenn Beck Going On And On About Dildos

So here’s two minutes of Glenn Beck talking about the terrible horrible no good very bad thing that happened at a high school in Bellingham, Washington, Glenn’s home town. Basically, a teacher let her drama club students plan their own end-of-year awards ceremony. And high school students being high school students — actually, worse: high school drama club members being high school drama club members, it got raunchy. Rude jokes, rude awards, and casual awfulness. You know. High school stuff. Except that the teacher, Teri Grimes, “a veteran of three decades who is slated to retire after this year,” apparently didn’t step in and censor the kids’ presentation, because she Just Hates America. And also, maybe after nearly thirty years, she thought there was some merit in letting kids design and run their own awards show. Like they do in Communist Roosha. Read more on Here’s Your Video With Glenn Beck Going On And On About Dildos…
  million mange march

Eleven ‘American Spring’ Patriots And A Dog Still Bravely Trying To Overthrow Obama

Here’s a video of the courageous remnant of the 10 million (or a few hundred) revolutionaries who crowded into Washington last month to demand the resignation of the Obama administration and Congressional leadership. They marched very impressively to a spot near the White House and yelled “Remember Benghazi!” and “Remember Seal Team Six!” a few times, and then symbolically turned their backs on the Kenyan Usurper. Then a cop talked to one of them and they bravely walked away, singing a song about their fight for freedom, which goes on. Are you inspired yet? Read more on Eleven ‘American Spring’ Patriots And A Dog Still Bravely Trying To Overthrow Obama…
  honky honky!

‘Redskins’ Is Actually Repectful Term, Explains Cracker On Fox Panel

We guess this is a new one. Sure, the old argument goes that team names like that of the Washington sportsball franchise somehow “honor” Native Americans, but on Outnumbered Monday, Fox’s Pete Hegseth went one better and insisted that the term “Redskins” was itself a pretty nice thing to call your noble savages: Read more on ‘Redskins’ Is Actually Repectful Term, Explains Cracker On Fox Panel…
  nice time!

Washington DC Welcomes Lesbian Anchor Babies With Open Arms

The gaypocalypse is upon us. We have seen the signs, from judges competing to see who can write the most elegant fuck you to the religious right when legalizing gay marriage to Common Core turning all our children gay. And Washington, DC (the city and people that live here, not the asshole Congresscritters you flyover states send here) is getting in on the action. How? Lesbian anchor babies: The District is one of a handful of jurisdictions that permit second-parent adoptions with no residency rules or other restrictions…. The 2013 law is leading an increasing number of lesbian couples from nearby states to deliver their babies in the District, according to family lawyers arranging second-parent adoptions. Read more on Washington DC Welcomes Lesbian Anchor Babies With Open Arms…
  american idiots

‘American Spring’ Coup Huge Success, Obama To Resign Any Minute Now, Probably

America, your long national nightmare is almost over! As predicted, tens of millions of protesters have flooded into Washington DC, bringing the city to a halt and trapping the illegal so-called “leaders” of the illegitimate, unconstitutional “government” inside the walls of their marble fortresses — but only temporarily, as they will surely hear the call of We The People and step down in disgrace. That’s what WND’s lede would have read if more than a few hundred teabagger loons had shown up for the big Depose Obama Rally scheduled for Friday. As it was, the brave coup leaders stood around and got rained on for a while before the weather cleared and they marched around some. But Obama still might resign in disgrace, just as soon as the other ten million or so demonstrators arrive later this weekend. Read more on ‘American Spring’ Coup Huge Success, Obama To Resign Any Minute Now, Probably…
  the marching morons

Operation American Spring Will Bring 10-30 Million Patriots To DC Friday, If You Include Imaginary Friends

There’s a new billion-moron march in town, if by “new” you mean “they’ve tried this before,” and if by “billion” you mean “a few hundred,” and if by “moron” you mean “moron.” But they’re definitely on their way, and Friday is the day they are going to scare that Kenyan Usurper fellow right out of “OUR WHITE HOUSE.” All ten to thirty million of them, give or take 9.9999 to 30 million or so. Read more on Operation American Spring Will Bring 10-30 Million Patriots To DC Friday, If You Include Imaginary Friends…
  the wrong kind of badger

WI Majority Leader Likes To Put His Hands On Ladies’ Boobs or Butts, We Don’t Know Which, Maybe Both (Allegedly)

Hey ladies. You know how the GOP is all wanting you to like them? And not just like them, but like them like them, because of how you are all slutty whoremonsters who vote for Democrats? Well, the Wisconsin State Assembly GOP Majority Leader is seeking to give ‘women’s outreach’ his personal touch. Unfortunately, he did not take the Boehner-approved class on good touch/bad touch, per the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel: Assembly Majority Leader Bill Kramer may resign from his leadership post as soon as Saturday after being accused of sexually harassing at least two women while in Washington, D.C., for a GOP fundraiser. Protip for all GOP officials: don’t take a hands-on approach to give that personal touch to women voters, because Mad Men is a teevee show and not real life anymore.  Read more on WI Majority Leader Likes To Put His Hands On Ladies’ Boobs or Butts, We Don’t Know Which, Maybe Both (Allegedly)…
  ensuring that the poor will always be with you

Wall Street Journal Loves Poor People So Much It Wants To Make More Of Them

So you know how President Obama called for a minimum wage of $10.10 in the State of the Union? Well, that is a great plan if you HATE THE POORS. But if you love the poor, if you have compassion in your heart and a soul full of goodness, then you know that best way to help the poor is to lower the minimum wage! Where, oh where, would such brilliant logic come from? Robert Strayton, some former executive vice president of a big ol fancy company, put forth his magnum opus in the pro-poor pages of the Wall Street Journal: I have come to believe that the most effective step we can take to ameliorate poverty, kick-start job growth and invigorate hope in every social stratum is to experiment with a $5 minimum wage. That’s right. Instead of making more money, we need to make sure that the poor make less money. And that will solve everything! This guy is like modern-day Monica Lewinsky, except he is blowing minds. And we just stained his blue blazer. Let’s hear him richsplain to all the poors how making less money will be good for them.  Read more on Wall Street Journal Loves Poor People So Much It Wants To Make More Of Them…
  putting the pot in potus

Barack Obama Says Accurate, Boring Things About Weed, Daily Caller Hears Call For Dictatorship

David Remnick wrote a million or so words about Barack Obama in the New Yorker this week, and several of those words were about the loco weed. And what did The POTUS say about the pot for us? “As has been well documented, I smoked pot as a kid, and I view it as a bad habit and a vice, not very different from the cigarettes that I smoked as a young person up through a big chunk of my adult life. I don’t think it is more dangerous than alcohol.” Now where would he get a ridiculous idea like that? Doesn’t he know about all the people who stab or shoot whole families while high on the pot? Read more on Barack Obama Says Accurate, Boring Things About Weed, Daily Caller Hears Call For Dictatorship…
  post-racial america is here at last

NC Gov Pat McCrory: These Million Black People Don’t Need A Congressman Because What’s He Gonna Do Anyway, Vote?

So we all know that the GOP is trying really hard to keep ‘undesirables’ from voting — whether we are talking about youngsters, racial minorities, or anyone who might be too poor to afford proper ID. (Thanks, SCOTUS.) But North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory (R-1950s) has come up with a novel way to disenfranchise minorities: just deny them a member of Congress! BRILLIANT, right? Rather than all the effort of suppressing voters and costs associated with weeding out undesirables, why not just straight up deny a majority-minority district their member of Congress for a year? McCrory is doing just that with the seat vacated by Rep. Mel Watt (D-NC), who resigned in early January to head up the Federal Housing Finance Agency. McCrory is working the system so that the seat won’t be filled until after the November election, and his reason is simple: Congress sucks anyway, so no worries. Oh yeah, that’s for real his answer, and we don’t even have a joke for it because HOLY FUCK that takes some balls. Some seriously racist, 1950s-era Jim Crow balls.  Read more on NC Gov Pat McCrory: These Million Black People Don’t Need A Congressman Because What’s He Gonna Do Anyway, Vote?…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and ‘Baggers

Welcome, wonkeesters, to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we hose down the news, filter out the stories that weren’t quite worth a whole post but too stoopid to ignore altogether, spray the whole mess with cheap booze, and bring you the runoff. Enjoy! Our first story violates the entire premise of Derp, in that it is actually a story of Pure American Ingenuity and Awesomeness. So sue us for false labeling. Outside Austin Monday, on Texas Highway 71, off-duty Houston Fire Department Captain Craig Moreau pulled over to help an 18-wheeler that had smoke pouring from its rear wheels. The brakes had locked and the tire was “flaming pretty good,” Moreau said, and the driver’s fire extinguisher was not up to the job. Moreau asked what the driver was hauling. “Beer! It’s all beer!” And then, he says, one of the burning tires exploded, and Moreau asked the driver to open up the truck and start passing him tallboys. “I shook them up, and popped a top one at a time until the fire was out and the brakes were cool,” Moreau wrote. “Thankfully they were tallboys. I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of it all, he was so shaken up that the humor escaped him.” Quite a few cans of Coors Banquet beer later, the fire was out. And Craig Moreau is a hero, both for saving the day and for discovering something that Coors is actually good for. Protip: Do not try this with Scotch. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and ‘Baggers…
  speaking bluntly

Rob Ford Briefly Calls For Pot Legalization, Walks It Back, Trips Over End Table, Falls Asleep On Floor

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford called on Canada’s government to decriminalize marijuana Thursday, but later said nah, nevermind, forget it, bad idea you know, he must have been totally wasted to have suggested anything of the sort, and are you going to finish that burrito? You sure? Read more on Rob Ford Briefly Calls For Pot Legalization, Walks It Back, Trips Over End Table, Falls Asleep On Floor…
  2 bongs 1 cupp

S.E. Cupp Writes Stupidest Possible Column On Pot

Wow, Gary was right! Leggy Fox News CNN Idiot S.E. Cupp truly has taken the lead for the dumbest column of 2014, and it’s going to take some massive expenditures of PunditDerp to surpass her thought-like statements about marijuana. It’s also depressing to know that someone will pull it off anyway. If nothing else, it at least proves that pot can make some people stupid even if they don’t ingest any at all. So here’s the dealio: Cupp believes that marijuana legalization could turn out to be a very bad thing for liberals, because it’s wildly inconsistent with other parts of the progressive agenda — or at least “the progressive agenda” as imagined by S.E. Cupp’s strange libertarian mind. For instance, just take guns — please! Read more on S.E. Cupp Writes Stupidest Possible Column On Pot…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Grab Bag Of Grotesqueries

Duuuuuudes. Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the (*koff!*) weekly feature where we roll up whatever seeds and stems are left from stories that weren’t quite compelling enough to make a full post, but too stoopid to ignore altogether, and then we, uhhhh… hahahahahaha Yeah, we totally do, man. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Grab Bag Of Grotesqueries…
  have a herpy derpy christmas

Derp Roundup: Special Christmas Edition

Happy Sacred Baby Festival to all you Wonkers! Hope you’ve had as much festivity as you can handle, and perhaps more.* And now, for some Happy Holiderp: a roundup of seasonal stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a whole post of their own. We recommend that you treat it like dollar-store eggnog: add enough liquor, and you just won’t mind the taste anymore. Our first tale of Christmas cheer comes from Lake City, Florida, where the Columbia City Seventh-Day Adventist Church had a “drive through Nativity” scene with more than just a manger. It also depicted other parts of the Gospel accounts, like King Herod’s slaughter of the Innocents — the attempt to knock off Baby Jesus by killing all boys under the age of two. A local mom complained that the display, with decapitated dolls and fake blood everywhere, left her two-year-old daughter seriously freaked out: “as we pulled up further, they were depicting decapitating babies and that happened to be on the side of the vehicle that my 2 year old was on and it was very traumatic for her she started crying and screaming because of the baby and it took me hours to calm her down.” Hey, it’s in the Bible, so it’s suitable for all ages, lady. You have a problem with the Bible? Extra points to the doofus local teevee reporter for describing the display as “historically accurate,” but all points lost for their not including any video of the actual display. No photos appear to be online either, so instead we’ll just link to an appropriate song. Read more on Derp Roundup: Special Christmas Edition…