Tag Archives: washington

  honky honky!

‘Redskins’ Is Actually Repectful Term, Explains Cracker On Fox Panel

We guess this is a new one. Sure, the old argument goes that team names like that of the Washington sportsball franchise somehow “honor” Native Americans, but on Outnumbered Monday, Fox’s Pete Hegseth went one better and insisted that the term “Redskins” was itself a pretty nice thing to call your noble savages: Read more on ‘Redskins’ Is Actually Repectful Term, Explains Cracker On Fox Panel…
  nice time!

Washington DC Welcomes Lesbian Anchor Babies With Open Arms

The gaypocalypse is upon us. We have seen the signs, from judges competing to see who can write the most elegant fuck you to the religious right when legalizing gay marriage to Common Core turning all our children gay. And Washington, DC (the city and people that live here, not the asshole Congresscritters you flyover states send here) is getting in on the action. How? Lesbian anchor babies: The District is one of a handful of jurisdictions that permit second-parent adoptions with no residency rules or other restrictions…. The 2013 law is leading an increasing number of lesbian couples from nearby states to deliver their babies in the District, according to family lawyers arranging second-parent adoptions. Read more on Washington DC Welcomes Lesbian Anchor Babies With Open Arms…
  american idiots

‘American Spring’ Coup Huge Success, Obama To Resign Any Minute Now, Probably

America, your long national nightmare is almost over! As predicted, tens of millions of protesters have flooded into Washington DC, bringing the city to a halt and trapping the illegal so-called “leaders” of the illegitimate, unconstitutional “government” inside the walls of their marble fortresses — but only temporarily, as they will surely hear the call of We The People and step down in disgrace. That’s what WND’s lede would have read if more than a few hundred teabagger loons had shown up for the big Depose Obama Rally scheduled for Friday. As it was, the brave coup leaders stood around and got rained on for a while before the weather cleared and they marched around some. But Obama still might resign in disgrace, just as soon as the other ten million or so demonstrators arrive later this weekend. Read more on ‘American Spring’ Coup Huge Success, Obama To Resign Any Minute Now, Probably…
  the marching morons

Operation American Spring Will Bring 10-30 Million Patriots To DC Friday, If You Include Imaginary Friends

There’s a new billion-moron march in town, if by “new” you mean “they’ve tried this before,” and if by “billion” you mean “a few hundred,” and if by “moron” you mean “moron.” But they’re definitely on their way, and Friday is the day they are going to scare that Kenyan Usurper fellow right out of “OUR WHITE HOUSE.” All ten to thirty million of them, give or take 9.9999 to 30 million or so. Read more on Operation American Spring Will Bring 10-30 Million Patriots To DC Friday, If You Include Imaginary Friends…
  the wrong kind of badger

WI Majority Leader Likes To Put His Hands On Ladies’ Boobs or Butts, We Don’t Know Which, Maybe Both (Allegedly)

Hey ladies. You know how the GOP is all wanting you to like them? And not just like them, but like them like them, because of how you are all slutty whoremonsters who vote for Democrats? Well, the Wisconsin State Assembly GOP Majority Leader is seeking to give ‘women’s outreach’ his personal touch. Unfortunately, he did not take the Boehner-approved class on good touch/bad touch, per the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel: Assembly Majority Leader Bill Kramer may resign from his leadership post as soon as Saturday after being accused of sexually harassing at least two women while in Washington, D.C., for a GOP fundraiser. Protip for all GOP officials: don’t take a hands-on approach to give that personal touch to women voters, because Mad Men is a teevee show and not real life anymore.  Read more on WI Majority Leader Likes To Put His Hands On Ladies’ Boobs or Butts, We Don’t Know Which, Maybe Both (Allegedly)…
  ensuring that the poor will always be with you

Wall Street Journal Loves Poor People So Much It Wants To Make More Of Them

So you know how President Obama called for a minimum wage of $10.10 in the State of the Union? Well, that is a great plan if you HATE THE POORS. But if you love the poor, if you have compassion in your heart and a soul full of goodness, then you know that best way to help the poor is to lower the minimum wage! Where, oh where, would such brilliant logic come from? Robert Strayton, some former executive vice president of a big ol fancy company, put forth his magnum opus in the pro-poor pages of the Wall Street Journal: I have come to believe that the most effective step we can take to ameliorate poverty, kick-start job growth and invigorate hope in every social stratum is to experiment with a $5 minimum wage. That’s right. Instead of making more money, we need to make sure that the poor make less money. And that will solve everything! This guy is like modern-day Monica Lewinsky, except he is blowing minds. And we just stained his blue blazer. Let’s hear him richsplain to all the poors how making less money will be good for them.  Read more on Wall Street Journal Loves Poor People So Much It Wants To Make More Of Them…
  putting the pot in potus

Barack Obama Says Accurate, Boring Things About Weed, Daily Caller Hears Call For Dictatorship

David Remnick wrote a million or so words about Barack Obama in the New Yorker this week, and several of those words were about the loco weed. And what did The POTUS say about the pot for us? “As has been well documented, I smoked pot as a kid, and I view it as a bad habit and a vice, not very different from the cigarettes that I smoked as a young person up through a big chunk of my adult life. I don’t think it is more dangerous than alcohol.” Now where would he get a ridiculous idea like that? Doesn’t he know about all the people who stab or shoot whole families while high on the pot? Read more on Barack Obama Says Accurate, Boring Things About Weed, Daily Caller Hears Call For Dictatorship…
  post-racial america is here at last

NC Gov Pat McCrory: These Million Black People Don’t Need A Congressman Because What’s He Gonna Do Anyway, Vote?

So we all know that the GOP is trying really hard to keep ‘undesirables’ from voting — whether we are talking about youngsters, racial minorities, or anyone who might be too poor to afford proper ID. (Thanks, SCOTUS.) But North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory (R-1950s) has come up with a novel way to disenfranchise minorities: just deny them a member of Congress! BRILLIANT, right? Rather than all the effort of suppressing voters and costs associated with weeding out undesirables, why not just straight up deny a majority-minority district their member of Congress for a year? McCrory is doing just that with the seat vacated by Rep. Mel Watt (D-NC), who resigned in early January to head up the Federal Housing Finance Agency. McCrory is working the system so that the seat won’t be filled until after the November election, and his reason is simple: Congress sucks anyway, so no worries. Oh yeah, that’s for real his answer, and we don’t even have a joke for it because HOLY FUCK that takes some balls. Some seriously racist, 1950s-era Jim Crow balls.  Read more on NC Gov Pat McCrory: These Million Black People Don’t Need A Congressman Because What’s He Gonna Do Anyway, Vote?…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and ‘Baggers

Welcome, wonkeesters, to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we hose down the news, filter out the stories that weren’t quite worth a whole post but too stoopid to ignore altogether, spray the whole mess with cheap booze, and bring you the runoff. Enjoy! Our first story violates the entire premise of Derp, in that it is actually a story of Pure American Ingenuity and Awesomeness. So sue us for false labeling. Outside Austin Monday, on Texas Highway 71, off-duty Houston Fire Department Captain Craig Moreau pulled over to help an 18-wheeler that had smoke pouring from its rear wheels. The brakes had locked and the tire was “flaming pretty good,” Moreau said, and the driver’s fire extinguisher was not up to the job. Moreau asked what the driver was hauling. “Beer! It’s all beer!” And then, he says, one of the burning tires exploded, and Moreau asked the driver to open up the truck and start passing him tallboys. “I shook them up, and popped a top one at a time until the fire was out and the brakes were cool,” Moreau wrote. “Thankfully they were tallboys. I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of it all, he was so shaken up that the humor escaped him.” Quite a few cans of Coors Banquet beer later, the fire was out. And Craig Moreau is a hero, both for saving the day and for discovering something that Coors is actually good for. Protip: Do not try this with Scotch. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Bushel Basket Of Bumpkins, Boobs, and ‘Baggers…
  speaking bluntly

Rob Ford Briefly Calls For Pot Legalization, Walks It Back, Trips Over End Table, Falls Asleep On Floor

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford called on Canada’s government to decriminalize marijuana Thursday, but later said nah, nevermind, forget it, bad idea you know, he must have been totally wasted to have suggested anything of the sort, and are you going to finish that burrito? You sure? Read more on Rob Ford Briefly Calls For Pot Legalization, Walks It Back, Trips Over End Table, Falls Asleep On Floor…
  2 bongs 1 cupp

S.E. Cupp Writes Stupidest Possible Column On Pot

Wow, Gary was right! Leggy Fox News CNN Idiot S.E. Cupp truly has taken the lead for the dumbest column of 2014, and it’s going to take some massive expenditures of PunditDerp to surpass her thought-like statements about marijuana. It’s also depressing to know that someone will pull it off anyway. If nothing else, it at least proves that pot can make some people stupid even if they don’t ingest any at all. So here’s the dealio: Cupp believes that marijuana legalization could turn out to be a very bad thing for liberals, because it’s wildly inconsistent with other parts of the progressive agenda — or at least “the progressive agenda” as imagined by S.E. Cupp’s strange libertarian mind. For instance, just take guns — please! Read more on S.E. Cupp Writes Stupidest Possible Column On Pot…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Grab Bag Of Grotesqueries

Duuuuuudes. Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the (*koff!*) weekly feature where we roll up whatever seeds and stems are left from stories that weren’t quite compelling enough to make a full post, but too stoopid to ignore altogether, and then we, uhhhh… hahahahahaha Yeah, we totally do, man. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Grab Bag Of Grotesqueries…
  have a herpy derpy christmas

Derp Roundup: Special Christmas Edition

Happy Sacred Baby Festival to all you Wonkers! Hope you’ve had as much festivity as you can handle, and perhaps more.* And now, for some Happy Holiderp: a roundup of seasonal stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a whole post of their own. We recommend that you treat it like dollar-store eggnog: add enough liquor, and you just won’t mind the taste anymore. Our first tale of Christmas cheer comes from Lake City, Florida, where the Columbia City Seventh-Day Adventist Church had a “drive through Nativity” scene with more than just a manger. It also depicted other parts of the Gospel accounts, like King Herod’s slaughter of the Innocents — the attempt to knock off Baby Jesus by killing all boys under the age of two. A local mom complained that the display, with decapitated dolls and fake blood everywhere, left her two-year-old daughter seriously freaked out: “as we pulled up further, they were depicting decapitating babies and that happened to be on the side of the vehicle that my 2 year old was on and it was very traumatic for her she started crying and screaming because of the baby and it took me hours to calm her down.” Hey, it’s in the Bible, so it’s suitable for all ages, lady. You have a problem with the Bible? Extra points to the doofus local teevee reporter for describing the display as “historically accurate,” but all points lost for their not including any video of the actual display. No photos appear to be online either, so instead we’ll just link to an appropriate song. Read more on Derp Roundup: Special Christmas Edition…
  make me a sammamish

Seattle Nice Time: Catholic Students Protest Firing Of Vice Principal For Same-Sex Marriage While They Still Believe In Something

Well this is nice, indeed. We weren’t surprised at all when we heard that yet another Catholic school had pressured a faculty member to resign after finding out he’d gotten married to his same-sex partner. But in the Seattle suburb of Sammamish, when students at Eastside Catholic High School learned that Vice Principal Mark Zmuda had been given the choice this week of resigning or being fired for marrying Dana Jergens earlier this year, virtually the entire student body and several faculty members walked out of the school and took to the street Thursday in front of the school to protest the decision. Students at other Seattle-area Catholic schools staged protests as well. Told that the decision was made by the Archdiocese of Seattle, not the school, the kids said that they would move the protests there, and would petition the Archbishop to let Zmuda return. Sure, that’s not going to happen, but the kids are getting a fine lesson in speaking out against injustice — and where injustice can come from  — not to mention getting a practical lesson in how the hierarchy works (another lesson for the kids: U.S. America is a democracy* and the Church is not). This really is an important milestone on their journey toward becoming cafeteria Catholics. Read more on Seattle Nice Time: Catholic Students Protest Firing Of Vice Principal For Same-Sex Marriage While They Still Believe In Something…
  that's so cheney

Liz Cheney’s Husband Sees Voter Fraud Every Time He Looks In A Mirror

Wyoming’s Own Liz Cheney is very from Wyoming, and probably so is her husband Phil Perry, who “continues to practice law in Washington,” and “has been registered to vote in both Virginia and Wyoming for the past nine months, even though he signed a document in Wyoming saying he was not registered elsewhere,” which is such a Wyoming thing to do, right? We don’t know, honestly, that’s why we’re asking. You see, we are not as from Wyoming as Liz Cheney and her husband who practices law in Washington and isn’t from Wyoming but is registered to vote there AND in Virginia, because he’s from Wyoming. Let’s look at Wyoming’s voter registration form (.pdf) to see what kind of fraud that high-powered Washington lawyer and Liz Cheney spouse Phil Perry committed in the name of being Mr. Mrs. Wyoming: Read more on Liz Cheney’s Husband Sees Voter Fraud Every Time He Looks In A Mirror…
  america needs funnier scandals

Lamar Alexander’s Aide And The Lighter Side of Child Porn Allegations

Oh, damn, Wonkers, you know what the adorable kittens mean, don’t you? The adorable kittens mean we have a story about something terrible and we’re going to try to buffer it with something sweet and cute. Does that work, or is it just going to make you guys start feeling sad whenever you see an adorable kittycat? So let’s just get it over with: Tennessee Sen. Lamar Alexander’s chief of staff, Ryan Loskarn, is the subject of a child pornography investigation. Loskarn was taken away from his home in handcuffs this morning while agents from the Postal Service searched his home. Yick. We will try very hard to make an amusing joke about the Postal Service being the ones investigating this nastiness… um… something something we never get our kiddie porn delivered on time? No? Read more on Lamar Alexander’s Aide And The Lighter Side of Child Porn Allegations…
  women be shopping

Have You Ever Noticed That Ladies Are So Dumb And Stupid? The Washington DC Metro Has!

Hey bitchez. Whatcha doin’? Being stupid bitches? That sounds about right. Here, for instance, is a documentary prepared by some cool guy at whoever does the in-house documentaries for the DC Metro public transportation system, which everyone loves very much, and it is all about how their buses only break down every 8,000 miles, so give them a medal please. Also it is about ladies, and how they are so dumb. Read more on Have You Ever Noticed That Ladies Are So Dumb And Stupid? The Washington DC Metro Has!…
  wonkette confidential

Extra! Extra! Clarence Thomas Was Black Panther Paperboy!

Once a year the Federalist Society has a dinner in Washington DC. It is a dinner for lawyers. This year they promised an appearance by Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. I wondered what he might have to say as their featured guest; I had seen him a few times while he was at work and he did not seem like a talkative man. Read more on Extra! Extra! Clarence Thomas Was Black Panther Paperboy!…
  political ads to bombard your television in 3...2...

Only 1085 Days Left Until The Next Presidential Election, Let’s All Go Die

OhEmmGee, you guys! Remember how a year ago we were all Hopey and Changey Part II and still drunkenly reveling in the streets because Blablack Blackbama was returning triumphantly to the White House and we were finally done with Richie Rich and his TigerBeat sidekick? Well strap on your campaign buttons because while there are only 36 shopping days until the pagan celebration of mid-winter, there are ONLY 1,085 DAYS UNTIL THE NEXT PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION! Don’t care about it yet? No one else does either. But since there are only so many shit-sandwiches we can write about, let’s sexplore what completely irrelevant things politicians are doing three years out in order to get their names in the newspapers!  Read more on Only 1085 Days Left Until The Next Presidential Election, Let’s All Go Die…
  wonket confidential

Ann Coulter Writes Book, Risks Liberal Contamination by Visiting Washington DC

Tucker, I said no karate chops in the office
Ann Coulter wrote a book. It’s her tenth! Congratulations, Ann! We don’t know much about the etiquette of these things, but evidently the tenth is the “fluorescent” anniversary in publishing, since her friends at the Daily Caller invited everyone over to their place this week to celebrate. Read more on Ann Coulter Writes Book, Risks Liberal Contamination by Visiting Washington DC…
  our long national nightmare is just beginning

Texans Spend Eight Minutes In Heaven With Ted Cruz; Rest Of Nation Barely Resists Urge To Vomit

Eight minutes can be a really long time. It’s about the amount of time it takes light from the sun to travel to the earth. Or in more earthly terms, it’s twice as long as Gary’s never-gonna-happen fantasy about Piper Perabo. But if you are an addled, half-brained drooling Tea-jadist, then it is just the right amount of time to give a standing ovation to Texi-Canadian ass-monkey Ted Cruz: Republican Sen. Ted Cruz received an eight-minute standing ovation upon his return to Texas this past weekend, despite an extended, hostile campaign from Democrats and the mainstream media to portray him as a dangerous extremist. Thanks, Daily Caller, for noting that the hostile campaign to portray Ted Cruz as a dangerous extremist is a ludicrous notion from the MSM and crazy libruls. Because causing billions of dollars to the economy FOR NOTHING is totally cool and not dangerous or extreme at all, no siree.  Read more on Texans Spend Eight Minutes In Heaven With Ted Cruz; Rest Of Nation Barely Resists Urge To Vomit…
  take one cup of racism and then ad hominem

Daily Caller Exposes Native American Activist As Total White Guy Or Something, Rendering DC Sportsball Team’s Name Inoffensive

Wow, today must be Daily Caller Debunks Everything Badly Day! Not only has Tucker Carlson’s Home For Angry White Men exposed Cory Booker as a carpetbagging friend of predatory raccoons, it has also completely blown the credibility of “The American Indian leader spearheading the campaign to change the name of the Washington Redskins” (see what they did there?) by revealing that Ray Halbritter, who has made numerous media appearances to call for the name change, is “not a legitimate member of the tribe he leads,” but rather “an Obama crony who is raking in casino money and paying back only small stipends to his tribe members.” We’re still trying to puzzle out how those two categories are mutually exclusive, and why the uber-capitalists at Daily Caller suddenly don’t like an exploitative jerb creator, but we mostly just wanted to call attention to the hilarious heading that the DC used to promote this story in their morning email: “RED-Handed! Documents: Anti-Redskins Indian leader not a legitimate member of his tribe.” Excellent work, Daily Caller – glad to see you won’t stand for these fake Injuns and their outrageous race-bating. Read more on Daily Caller Exposes Native American Activist As Total White Guy Or Something, Rendering DC Sportsball Team’s Name Inoffensive…