washington

Welcome to Hurricane Irene’s “Rapture Part 2!” Haha, does anyone ever get the feeling that the news media is praying for the apocalyptic demise of America’s populous cities harder than Pat Buchanan? We read the news this morning (especially this one, with a message of doom from space) and concluded that we are all going [...]

Just weeks after the American government made its surprise announcement that the Statue of Liberty would be closing for many years, yesterday’s earthquake in Washington D.C. has led to the “indefinite closure” of the iconic Washington Monument. The marble phallus would have to topple over in an aftershock to provide a more fitting visual narrative [...]

Our latest sources say terrible whiny loser Eric Cantor was apparently the actual target of the  5.9 5.8-magnitude earthquake the reptile gods of space launched at the East Coast today, because the epicenter of the quake was smack in the middle of Eric Cantor’s seventh congressional district in Virginia. Sorry, angry cosmic overlords, huge whiff: Eric [...]

Haha, Rick Perry’s prayers ALMOST WORKED THAT TIME. A magnitude 5.9 earthquake originating in Virginia tried to shake apart the East Coast, including godless gay liberal New York and just plain godless Washington. Your very own Wonkette felt this crazy-long quake but automatically assumed it was just the giant trucks passing by the ramshackle hovel [...]

EVERYBODY STRAP IN, The Hill released its “50 Most Beautiful People for 2011″ listicle thingamaboob, which contrary to the title is not a list of the 50 most beautiful people on Earth, but more like a “top 50 list of congressional staffers Newt Gingrich will try to DM on Twitter when his current wife gets [...]

What is still the best way in 2011 to convince a room full of intransigent Republican males to join your team? You promise them a little violence and a little mayhem. House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy sat down a group of GOP lawmakers to show them a scene from a Ben Affleck movie called The [...]

Post-apocalyptic America has a few rules still, like “stay out of trailer parks at night,” and “personal mobility scooters are hilarious, in every context.” Did we have to say that? NO, on to the real issue: America also has some very awful rules, like “automatically assume a black man walking into a bank with a [...]

Some of you sheeple are probably voting for the candidates with the best “ideas” in November, which is embarrassing and ignorant. Real Americans vote for the political hack with the most money to spend on slanderous teevee ads and racist billboards. This is how proper Democracy works, so please stop with the sniveling. But if [...]

Stephen Colbert told Congress about how awful it is to be a farmer, even for ten hours, and how it is funny that white people complain that immigrants are stealing all the “good” farmhand jobs. Read his testimony [PDF]: Joined by Congresswoman Zoe Lofgren—longtime advocate for farm workers’ rights—I traveled to upstate New York where [...]

MSNBC’s very own narcissist-blowhard teevee personality Ed Schultz laughs and laughs at last weekend’s Glenn Beck Death March on Washington. Does he laugh because the rally was several hours of monotonous, meaningless drivel attended by the most wretched and diabetic demographic of America? Does he laugh because Glenn Beck organized an army of worshipers to [...]

Four score and seven years ago, our Founding Fathers created Craigslist so that horny wingnut dudes could hook up for spontaneous sexual encounters in the nation’s capital, while Defending Liberty. And over the weekend, some patriots acknowledged the Fathers’ hard work and ingenuity, and used Craigslist to try and Restore each others’ Honor with their [...]

Yes, yes, yes, Washington, DC is very sad because we’re about to be overrun with racist loonies who worship a pudgy weirdo who worships space monsters. But before the crazies shuffle onto their tour buses and make their way into our city’s safest areas, we have local politics to focus upon, namely the election for [...]

Washington, D.C. looks, like, super-depressed about having to host this weekend’s Glenn Beck’s Lard-Baby Rally & Hate Festival, you guys. When it saw that junky “Restoring Honor” stage banner thingie go up, it felt really embarrassed and even kind of distraught, you know? So it went all gray and overcast. Didn’t feel like sunshining. Seemed [...]

As threatened, both Washington and Wyoming went ahead with their primary elections yesterday. Washington didn’t surprise anybody because it is boring; in Wyoming, the nominations of Republican Matt Mead and Democrat Leslie Peterson for governor surprised everyone, because nobody had heard of any of the candidates before and thus any name would have been a [...]

Oh, God, can you even believe that more primaries are happening? When will America’s suffering end? Today’s victims are in Washington state and Wyoming. Washington has a savage, out-of-control “jungle primary” that will almost certainly result incumbent Democratic Senator Patty Murray facing off against Republican Dino Rossi, who lost the last two gubernatorial races. In [...]


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