Tag Archives: washington

  Customer Service Agreement With America

GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else

Definitely winning
Republicans formally took control of the United States Senate on Tuesday, free at last to indulge in their love of sweet, sweet, crude and its associated lobbyists — a love that has been forbidden by their overly-strict totalitarian dad, Barack Obama, who made no secret that he did not approve. The GOP has been waiting eight long years, staring longingly out the window, so they’ve had plenty of time to think about the best way to approach this promising courtship. We thought they might keep their love under wraps the way they’ve been yammering on about bipartisan cooperation and compromise, leading us to think they’d start their new session with something Father Barry likes. Maybe service dogs for veterans? The Little Old Lady Street-Crossing Assistance Act of 2015? National Fuzzy Kitten Appreciation Day? Let’s check in! Read more on GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

A Responsible Gun Owner Thanksgiving

Not related to the story but CUTE.
With the annual Harvest Feast nearly upon us, when we give thanks for all our blessings, especially the Second Amendment, which makes all other blessings possible, let’s take a quick look at how America’s Responsible Gun Owners are keeping themselves safe from crime and preventing tyranny. Read more on A Responsible Gun Owner Thanksgiving…
  don't bogart the vote

Burning Issues: Is That Weed On Your Ballot?

Our great nation is in danger of falling under the influence of Reefer Madness this Election Day, with weed-related ballot questions in three states plus that fake state the “District of Columbia.” America, what has gotten into you? It’s almost like rational adults started interpreting statistics that say marijuana is less dangerous than alcohol to mean that they should maybe try making pot not such a huge crime. Read more on Burning Issues: Is That Weed On Your Ballot?…
  Your Morning Maddow

Rachel Maddow: Good For You, Washington State, You’re 50% Smarter Now (Video)

It's really quite simple. Or should be.
Rachel Maddow is delighted — and so are we, because happy Rachel = Happy us — that in the recent Scottish independence referendum, small but substantial numbers of ballots had to be thrown out because they had both “Yes” and “No” marked on the simplest question ever put on a nationwide referendum: “Should Scotland be an independent country?” This was too much complexity for some folks, apparently. Read more on Rachel Maddow: Good For You, Washington State, You’re 50% Smarter Now (Video)…
  Uterine Clown Car Survivor Speaks Out

Duggars Did A Pretty Good Job Edumacatin’ Their Womb-Fruits, All Right

Just as Darwin Demanded
Reality Teevee show person Jessa Duggar went to the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington DC, and came away believing that Charles Darwin led directly to the Nazis’ attempted extermination of European Jewry, which suggests that the museum’s docents really need to up their game. Ms. Duggar, 21, explained on Instagram the profound anti-science message that she derived from the historical exhibits: Read more on Duggars Did A Pretty Good Job Edumacatin’ Their Womb-Fruits, All Right…
  Two Days At The Values Voter Summit

Values Voters Throw Annual Pity Party, Decide Obama is THE WORST. Again.

The Values Voter Summit happens every fall at the Omni Shoreham Hotel, the premier venue for conservative conventions in Washington, DC. (For those of you keeping score, it goes Omni, Grand Hyatt, Mayflower. We do not attend conventions at sub-Mayflower hotels.) Read more on Values Voters Throw Annual Pity Party, Decide Obama is THE WORST. Again….
  Drinks Before Dinner & Wine With Dinner & After Dinner Drinks

Come Drink With Yr Wonkette At the Seattle Drinky Thing

Derp Needle Not Included
Hope you Pacific Northwesty Wonkers have your Saturday evening clear, because the Great PNW Wonkette Drinking Tour is on its way to Seattle this weekend. Yr Editrix will be there. Yr Web maven ShyPixel will be there (just look for the orange pixel shyly sitting in the background). Yr Doktor Zoom will be there, and he will have ponies, maybe! Read more on Come Drink With Yr Wonkette At the Seattle Drinky Thing…
  i want to be the girl with the most beer

Seattle Wonkpals, Are You Ready For Your Lovepile?

Seattle, you have been waiting long and you have been waiting hard for a Wonkette Drinky Thing and Lovepile of your very own. You have been waiting long and hard because WE HATE YOU. But considering you are such dedicated Wonkers that you have thrown your own Fauxty Things, and considering also your comrade and our web developer Shypixel lives in Missoula, Montana, which is reasonably close to Seattle, and we wanted to meet him after doing much flirting and sexual harassing in the sexcret wonket chatcave, to which he responded quite positively, we decided to throw you one anyway. (Again, to be clear: this was so we could meet Shypixel, not so we could buy you beer, because of how WE HATE YOU.) Luckily, our date with Shypixel — which has lasted 19 days so far — is still going kind of okay, we guess. Right now we are on an island — a literal island, where we have thrown crab pots at crabs and thrown rocks at the water and thrown our dog at a deer, for murdering — so, you know, whatever. “Date.” Read more on Seattle Wonkpals, Are You Ready For Your Lovepile?…
  Are you sure they said today?

Hundreds of Patriots, Cleverly Disguised As Tourists, Rally For Impeachment At White House

At noon on Saturday, the Real Americans of the greater Washington, DC metropolitan area were set to celebrate National Impeach Obama Week by meeting at the White House to call for the immediate impeachment of Kenyan Usurper President Barry Soetoro. The Wonket Washington Bureau readied full team coverage and had the interns price out some down-market gas masks, expecting a constitutionally righteous mob of sign-wielding activists surging forward against a line of police officers summoned from surrounding jurisdictions. Read more on Hundreds of Patriots, Cleverly Disguised As Tourists, Rally For Impeachment At White House…
  world's most deliberative bodies

Politico Reporter: Kirsten Gillibrand Is a Lying Liar, Since No Man in Congress Has Ever Been Sexist

k to the g
On Wednesday, the New York Post published tidbits of what promises to be an entertaining and depressing new interview with Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand in which she describes being called “fat” and told to work out more since she was getting “porky” by older male colleagues in the House and Senate. What’s not to love about being a female senator? It gets you membership in a very small and exclusive club within the world’s most deliberative body, plus all the free fitness tips and affirmative motivation you can tolerate on your wellness journey! Read more on Politico Reporter: Kirsten Gillibrand Is a Lying Liar, Since No Man in Congress Has Ever Been Sexist…
  the cat came back

Disgraced Sex Furry And Ex-Congresscritter David Wu Still Haunts Halls Of Congress Like Sad Lost Soul

You guys probably remember the weird story of former Oregon Rep. David Wu, whose embarrassing departure from Congress Wonkette never mentioned because he’s a Democrat, right? In 2011, Wu was accused of an “unwanted sexual encounter” with a friend’s 18-year-old daughter, and resigned in disgrace, although ultimately no charges were brought. (Wu claimed the sex was consensual, like they all do.) So what’s he been up to since then? Buzzfeed’s Kate Nocera says he’s been wandering around Congress and DC like some former high school football player who can’t stop “dropping by” the old school three years after he was expelled. David Wu, don’t you know that the Matthew McConaughey character in Dazed & Confused is not a role model? Read more on Disgraced Sex Furry And Ex-Congresscritter David Wu Still Haunts Halls Of Congress Like Sad Lost Soul…
  you don't have to dress badly to be a homophobe -- but it helps!

Hate-Fest Fashion: Men of the Sweat-Soaked Cloth

If you’re having a party to advocate keeping the gays second-class citizens as long as possible and holding it in the very best swampy heat that Washington, DC has to offer, there are many things you need to ask yourself. In addition to questioning any number of your life choices, you must decide what to wear! And so Wonkette proudly presents the Sweaty Fundamentalist Summer Collection. Read more on Hate-Fest Fashion: Men of the Sweat-Soaked Cloth…
  'box of dildos' would be a great band name

Here’s Your Video With Glenn Beck Going On And On About Dildos

So here’s two minutes of Glenn Beck talking about the terrible horrible no good very bad thing that happened at a high school in Bellingham, Washington, Glenn’s home town. Basically, a teacher let her drama club students plan their own end-of-year awards ceremony. And high school students being high school students — actually, worse: high school drama club members being high school drama club members, it got raunchy. Rude jokes, rude awards, and casual awfulness. You know. High school stuff. Except that the teacher, Teri Grimes, “a veteran of three decades who is slated to retire after this year,” apparently didn’t step in and censor the kids’ presentation, because she Just Hates America. And also, maybe after nearly thirty years, she thought there was some merit in letting kids design and run their own awards show. Like they do in Communist Roosha. Read more on Here’s Your Video With Glenn Beck Going On And On About Dildos…