MOONIE MASSACRE: Local videographer and delightful monster Liz Glover tells your Wonkette that she has just been laid off from the Washington Times, along with most other employees. Sorry/Hooray, Liz!

The Moonie Times’ critically mocked real-life adaptation of King Lear appears to have reached its fifth act, where Rev. Moon expands his kingdom into the burgeoning Mass Funeral sector and then fucks off to Paraguay to die. The Washington Times is laying off FORTY percent of its workforce. But… but not for 60 days so silver lining? Hooray! Plenty of time to choose any of the millions of media jobs on the market right now! Ugh. BRUTAL. Worse yet, the Times issued a press release shortly after giving its staff the bad news, wryly titled, “Washington Times Announces Additional Changes to Become a 21st Century Multimedia Company.” Points for honesty, that. “21st Century Multimedia Company” is code for one that’s fired all of its employees. [Mike Calderone]

• IT’S NOT OBAMA’S FAULT THAT HE WAS BORN A SAVAGE AFRICAN LION, OKAY? The Washington Times could shut down any day, so its columnists have precious little time to liquidate their massive inventories of Insane Racism! In his column today, editor emeritus Wesley Pruden writes THIS about the current Lion King, Barack Obama: “It’s no fault of the president that he has no natural instinct or blood impulse for what the America of ‘the 57 states’ is about. He was sired by a Kenyan father, born to a mother attracted to men of the Third World and reared by grandparents in Hawaii, a paradise far from the American mainstream.” See, as long as you spare Obama the blame for being a black savage, then it fits the Moonie definition of “nuance.” [Washington Times]

John Solomon, the beloved human brought in a couple of years ago to serve as executive editor of the Washington Times, and possibly save it (?), has come to the following conclusion: fuck this shit, I’m out. He has resigned, effective last Friday. So in the past week, as the great great brilliant divine extraordinary Rev. Moon’s children have been battling over the pieces of their inherited empire, the paper has lost its publisher, president, chairman, CFO, and executive editor. Liz Glover has accepted all of these positions. Turn the ol’ fishwrapper around, Liz! [TPM]

It sure would be funny if the Washington Times went out of business, except for the poor local reporters and stuff, and Liz Glover, who would be sent to live with Barbara Bush and the Reverend Moon in Paraguay. (The food is shit, a “top-level Pentagon official” tells us.) We assume that the Times IS going out of business, even though that’s not even a rumor… until now? Tell everyone you know! MORE »

• MOONIES ON ICE: The Washington Moonie Times newspaper of Washington is firing everyone. EVERYONE! That means the president & publisher, CFO, and chairman. What person in a company can fire a president, publisher, CFO, and chairman? Perhaps the great great Rev. Moon himself?! Editor John Solomon will probably peace the fuck out of there soon, too. [Michael Calderone]

GREAT LEADER REV. MOON TO STEP DOWN: Washington Times owner and Washington Times editor’s pick-selected author and loudmouth Korean Jesus, The Rev. Sun Myung Moon, is “going Lear” on his church: “SEOUL, South Korea – The Rev. Sun Myung Moon, now approaching 90 and still one of the world’s most controversial religious figures, is handing over day-to-day control of his Unification Church to three U.S.-educated sons.” He will spend the remaining years of his terrifying life fucking around with the aquifers and drug plantations he co-owns, with the Bushes, in Paraguay. [AP]

Carol Herman, books editor for the Washington Times, recently commissioned herself to review the hottest new book since Going Rogue: the autobiography of great noble universal leader hero Rev. Sun Myung Moon, founder and owner of the Washington Times! Coincidentally it is the best book Carol Herman has read, basically ever. And you can read it, too! Let us share a key excerpt or two from Carol Herman’s glowing review, with its very nuanced “Korean Central News Agency”-ish tone. MORE »

It’s Liz Glover! Hi Liz, to whom are you speaking to on the videophone today? Ah, it is Questlove from The Roots, in DC for the Rock the Bells deal, with some important conspiracy theories about Sarah Palin and the RNC! MORE »

For several days in late June, Mark Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer had just about the worst job ever, having to deal with every national reporter and local legislator asking about Sanford’s whereabouts — which he did not know and could not find out, because Mark Sanford makes sure to turn off his cellphone when he’s sexing Argentine Firecrackers, which is always. What hilarious e-mails did Sawyer receive during these mysterious times, from the terrible media, and Stephen Colbert? Thanks to a successful open records request from South Carolina’s The State newspaper, we now present a Children’s Treasury of several! MORE »

IF BILL CLINTON WAS BLACK, THEN HOW IS OBAMA NOT MUSLIM? A real winner in the Moonie Times op-ed section today. We reach Absolute Zero by only the end of the second paragraph: “The man now happy to have his Islamic-rooted middle name featured prominently has engaged in the most consequential bait-and-switch since Adolf Hitler duped Neville Chamberlain over Czechoslovakia at Munich.” Swish. [Washington Times]

Ha ha remember this little flapperoo last week? The Washington Times’ secret Korean Jesus Picture Robot auto-selected a terrible wire photo for the newspaper’s story about young children dying, in Chicago. Call it a “WTF Moment,” in the parlance of our times. And perhaps because of this, and other flaps (constant lies, or at least a reputation for!), mean editor John Solomon will now be instituting PERMANENT RECORDS and DETENTION forever. MORE »

Ha ha ha, everyone gets a good laugh when newspaper design people make weird placement choices. Look at the Washington Times here: its website shows a photo of the Obama kids — probably the click-thru is a story about how cute they are! — right above a different article about Chicago children being murdered all the time. WACKY! It looks like the girls’ photo goes with the death story! Good thing that’s not the case at all! MORE »