GREAT LEADER REV. MOON TO STEP DOWN: Washington Times owner and Washington Times editor’s pick-selected author and loudmouth Korean Jesus, The Rev. Sun Myung Moon, is “going Lear” on his church: “SEOUL, South Korea – The Rev. Sun Myung Moon, now approaching 90 and still one of the world’s most controversial religious figures, is handing over day-to-day control of his Unification Church to three U.S.-educated sons.” He will spend the remaining years of his terrifying life fucking around with the aquifers and drug plantations he co-owns, with the Bushes, in Paraguay. [AP]

Carol Herman, books editor for the Washington Times, recently commissioned herself to review the hottest new book since Going Rogue: the autobiography of great noble universal leader hero Rev. Sun Myung Moon, founder and owner of the Washington Times! Coincidentally it is the best book Carol Herman has read, basically ever. And you can read it, too! Let us share a key excerpt or two from Carol Herman’s glowing review, with its very nuanced “Korean Central News Agency”-ish tone. MORE »

It’s Liz Glover! Hi Liz, to whom are you speaking to on the videophone today? Ah, it is Questlove from The Roots, in DC for the Rock the Bells deal, with some important conspiracy theories about Sarah Palin and the RNC! MORE »

For several days in late June, Mark Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer had just about the worst job ever, having to deal with every national reporter and local legislator asking about Sanford’s whereabouts — which he did not know and could not find out, because Mark Sanford makes sure to turn off his cellphone when he’s sexing Argentine Firecrackers, which is always. What hilarious e-mails did Sawyer receive during these mysterious times, from the terrible media, and Stephen Colbert? Thanks to a successful open records request from South Carolina’s The State newspaper, we now present a Children’s Treasury of several! MORE »

IF BILL CLINTON WAS BLACK, THEN HOW IS OBAMA NOT MUSLIM? A real winner in the Moonie Times op-ed section today. We reach Absolute Zero by only the end of the second paragraph: “The man now happy to have his Islamic-rooted middle name featured prominently has engaged in the most consequential bait-and-switch since Adolf Hitler duped Neville Chamberlain over Czechoslovakia at Munich.” Swish. [Washington Times]

Ha ha remember this little flapperoo last week? The Washington Times’ secret Korean Jesus Picture Robot auto-selected a terrible wire photo for the newspaper’s story about young children dying, in Chicago. Call it a “WTF Moment,” in the parlance of our times. And perhaps because of this, and other flaps (constant lies, or at least a reputation for!), mean editor John Solomon will now be instituting PERMANENT RECORDS and DETENTION forever. MORE »

Ha ha ha, everyone gets a good laugh when newspaper design people make weird placement choices. Look at the Washington Times here: its website shows a photo of the Obama kids — probably the click-thru is a story about how cute they are! — right above a different article about Chicago children being murdered all the time. WACKY! It looks like the girls’ photo goes with the death story! Good thing that’s not the case at all! MORE »

Oh look, former Wonkette “Pornographer to the Stars” and current Washington Times gossip reporter Liz Glover went on the MSNBC teevee this weekend during a rare furlough from her regular job selling knick-knacks in the ghetto for the glory & prestige of Rev. Moon. She and her “less eccentric” (media-trained) partner discuss things that you will not want to hear about at all, like fashion and the power-politics dynamic of the White House Correspondents Dinner, but it’s fun to watch Liz randomly dancing and putting on props and breaking her microphone completely. [YouTube]

The D.C. intelligentsia already read the Washington Times religiously to stay abreast of our old pal Liz Glover’s encounters with celebrities such as John King, who wore a custom-made suit to some event or another. But! Now there is another reason to read the Times! That reason is called “Mitt Romney.” He will participate in a series of columns by Republican luminaries about reinventing conservatism, presumably through such bold measures as “restoring the legacy of Ronald Reagan” and “abolishing government.” [Boston Globe]

If you’ve wondered what the Washington Times might be doing for the next eight years, these selections from the oddball paper’s online store suggest the Moonie pamphlet will start offering all sorts of other stuff nobody wants, such as this President Bush Commemorative Cigar and W. Commemorative Book — a coffee-table sized shame-box apparently featuring washed-out pictures of Bush Junior grimacing and flinching as his henchmen actually ruined the world. Well hey, whatever it takes to keep our Liz Glover gainfully employed! [Washington Times' Bush Store]

TRUE RUMORS: Last week our Liz Glover was running from the demon clutches of Dick Cheney, and this week she’s … leaving us! For the Washington Times. For realz. All the more reason you should RSVP now to the Wonkette 2009 Inauguration Ball at Liz Glover’s Capitol Hill yoga circus. We will have much more about this Stunning Personnel Change, including a Farewell Video from Liz, but for now we post this because those slimeballs at Fishbowl DC somehow heard the secret news. [Fishbowl DC]