washington times

Baboon panniculus Emily Miller of the Washington Times must have been super-jealous that Yr Wonkette already judged S.E. Cupp author of the dumbest column of 2014, because here she is already trying to get us to reconsider. To which we can only say, ladies, don’t fight! You are both special snowflakes with the analytical skills […]

We bet you would be really surprised to learn that Sun Myung Moon, the founder of both the Unification Church and the Washington Times, was a bit of a sybaritic horndog when he wasn’t busy preaching about the sanctity of marriage and family values, and also giving huge checks to conservative causes. Actually, we don’t […]

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, our weekly collection of cranky crap that wasn’t worth a full post, but was too incandescently stoopid to ignore altogether. First up, Bryan Fischer told all his followers on Twitter today to go read this shocking billion-word exposé of what Teh Ghey is really all about, as explained […]

Judson Phillips is known to your Wonkette as a guy who once wrote that Barack Obama just might be a crack-smoking gay sexer, which was fun. Now he’s got some words in the Washington Times (yeah but still) about how the current criminal probe into Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker’s Forever Campaign (because he is always […]

Hey, kids, here’s a big surprise! Ron Paul thinks it’s high time for patriots to stop letting the federal government push them around, what with its “laws” and “healthcare mandate” and all that. What’s more, he thinks that there’s really no longer any reason to wait to start watering the ol’ Tree of Liberty with […]

The Washington Times, a scabrous rag, actually wrote something we agree with – a farewell note to Senator Rand Paul, whose column for the paper will be ended following multiple accusations of plagiarism, including a recent column for that paper. In a paragraph that we hope elicited hearty laughter all around the newsroom, the Times […]

Happy Saturday, Wonkaroonies, and welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, where we stomp on a bunch of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite enough to do a full post on, to squeeze out whatever funny may still be in them. If the mixture tastes a little off, add booze. […]

What is up, “Northern Colorado”? Oh, you are sick and tired of being sick and tired of having those elitist cosmopolitans from Denver and, um … Colorado Springs we guess? … ramming their sneering liberalness down your throats? (WITH THEIR PENISES.) And you think you should probably get your own state because democracy JUST. ISN’T. […]

Hey, there, fellow leftists! Hope you’re all having a great day eating organic arugula, liberating lab animals from a university research facility, and withholding your children from getting vaccinated! Because it turns out that, despite the fairly well-documented dislike of science facts by many on the right, it’s really libruls who hate science, as the […]

Happy Sunday, everyone! Except those of you who are Democrats, because you obviously hate God so much you will boo His name. You do you not get a happy Sunday, and you will only get one when you pray more — the jig is up, heathens, and the Washington Times is onto you. We know […]

This marks the week of Reclaiming Mitt Romney, in which he gives out lots and lots of interviews to show how beneath the cold, awkward, moderately inhuman exterior, he is a cold, awkward, moderately inhuman person who is competent enough to run the most powerful nation in the world despite having no idea what 98.7% […]

DC’s favorite Korean cult newspaper The Washington Times is celebrating President Obama’s 100th round of golf as president by putting this in fascinating mathematical context: “The next time President Obama hits the links, it will be his 100th round of golf since coming to the White House. That’s quite a milestone in just 3 1/2 […]

DC’s Capital Bikeshare program, for which you pay a fee to join and then ride bikes to and from docking stations across the city, is a popular thing that keeps enlisting new members and expanding. Its success is leading other cities, such as New York, to start their own programs. Now, as an earth-destroying motorist, […]

In the story “Jerry Brown To Washington Times Reporter: ‘Are You a Moonie?’” we referred to idiot reporter Kerry Picket as him, he, his, etc. We are sorry to report that Kerry Picket is in fact a woman. This shames us all — all women, that is, as Picket’s tete-a-tete avec Governor Brown was the […]

California Governor Jerry Brown dealt with some hack Washington Times reporter in the exact way all elected officials should deal with Washington Times reporters: by repeatedly correcting him on basic facts, pointing and laughing in his (presumably fat and pasty) face, and then delivering a rough-and-ready Jerry Brown-style head-butt to the dingle. After much back-and-forth […]