Tag Archives: washington times

  Freakoutbreak

Obama Declares War On Ebola. Wingnuts Discover Ebola Just Misunderstood.

You can always find a scary Obama image, no matter the topic
The U.S. government will be sending 3,000 troops to West Africa to help build treatment centers and coordinate services in the fight against the Ebola outbreak. President Obama announced the initiative during a visit to the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta Tuesday. The deployment will be done in coordination with the World Health Organization and will be centered in Liberia, where the virus has hit the hardest. The U.S. effort will build 17 treatment centers in that country and will eventually be training 500 healthcare workers a week in patient care and in sanitary procedures to prevent the spread of the virus. America will also be distributing sanitation kits to affected families and, sad part, distributing over 5000 body bags to municipal health authorities. Still, good on us! Read more on Obama Declares War On Ebola. Wingnuts Discover Ebola Just Misunderstood….
  birth of a catchphrase

CNN Anchor Guy Insults Climate Deniers; Willfully Ignorant F**ksticks Outraged

You know, besides pointing and laughing
A special bouquet of greenhouse flowers goes to CNN anchor Bill Weir for the perfect reply to climate change deniers, please. You see, Weir was not terribly impressed with this Fox Nation story (aggregated from the Washington Times) that mocked Al Gore for attending a climate change meeting in Denver on a chilly, rainy day, because if it’s rainy and cold during the summer, then climate change is a myth, right? Read more on CNN Anchor Guy Insults Climate Deniers; Willfully Ignorant F**ksticks Outraged…
  she's a baaler

Washington Times: Hillary Clinton Worships Baal Or Zuul Or The Mighty Favog, Probably

This is encouraging! For all of us who wondered how we’ll ever get along come 2017, when a new president means we’ll be starved of “Obama is a muslin” stories, Washington Times columnist Robert Knight is auditioning a new possibility: Maybe Hillary Clinton worships Baal, a generic name for any one of several local deities that the Old Testament had no use for. (Thanks, Wikipedia!) You know, because ‘bortion. Or birth control that people are sure is ‘bortion even if it isn’t. Read more on Washington Times: Hillary Clinton Worships Baal Or Zuul Or The Mighty Favog, Probably…
  i'm you

Dammit, Jim, Christine O’Donnell Isn’t A Witch, She’s A Washington Times Columnist (And You)

We suppose we can’t really begrudge has-been wingnut idiot and failed 2010 Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell for kicking off her new Washington Times column with yet another variation on the one thing she’s actually known for, that dumb “I’m Not a Witch” ad. Hell, if Bill “Ray J. Johnson” Saluga made a standup career out of one stupid line, why not? And so here is Christine O’Donnell, insisting yet again that once we get to know her, the smell of limeade belches and dirty socks will dissipate and we’ll like her really a lot: After my speaking engagements, the comments I hear the most are some variation of, “You’re nothing like I thought you’d be! I can’t believe how much I agree with you,” or, even better, “I actually like you.” The first few times I heard these, I responded with a blank stare and muttered, “Umm, thank you?” while thinking to myself, “What the heck did he think I’d be like?” (Don’t answer that!) Haha, get it? THAT is where you are supposed to answer “A witch!” and chuckle to yourself. Actually, what we expected was the blank stare, so good going with that. Read more on Dammit, Jim, Christine O’Donnell Isn’t A Witch, She’s A Washington Times Columnist (And You)…
  can you take me high enough

Washington Times Writer Fears The Devil’s Weed, The Ring-A-Ding-Ding, That Commie FDR

Baboon panniculus Emily Miller of the Washington Times must have been super-jealous that Yr Wonkette already judged S.E. Cupp author of the dumbest column of 2014, because here she is already trying to get us to reconsider. To which we can only say, ladies, don’t fight! You are both special snowflakes with the analytical skills of seaweed, and both of your columns are special in their own way. Sippy Cupp, your column displayed a depth of intellect rarely found outside a cellar full of headless puppies. And Emily, your column is a true masterpiece of derp-stuffed derp wrapped in more derp. A turducken of derp. A derpducken. Let us dumbsplore it together, and feast upon its derpitude. A discerning reader knows he is in for a treat just from the headline “Obama’s Cultural Legacy is Legal Marijuana Blowing Through America” followed by the subhead “Stoned citizens will further burden the dependency society.” My God, the reader might think, is this column from a Hearst newspaper in 1936?  At this point the reader might spark up a bowl to enhance the giggles that are surely forthcoming. Read more on Washington Times Writer Fears The Devil’s Weed, The Ring-A-Ding-Ding, That Commie FDR…
  it's only hypocrisy if you're not the messiah

Moonie Family Values: Rev. Moon Made Washington Times Publisher Raise His Secret Adultery-Baby

We bet you would be really surprised to learn that Sun Myung Moon, the founder of both the Unification Church and the Washington Times, was a bit of a sybaritic horndog when he wasn’t busy preaching about the sanctity of marriage and family values, and also giving huge checks to conservative causes. Actually, we don’t thing you would be surprised at all, because you are worldweary cynics who pretty much expect that anyone screaming about chastity is probably either rutting like a crazed weasel in heat, or desperately trying to repress the impulse to do so. Good call! And so we point you to Mariah Blake’s article in Mother Jones, all about how the great culty gazillionaire was also the father of a secret Love Child (love child! Never meant to beeee), one Sam Park of Phoenix, whom Moon handed off to be raised by Washington Times editor Bo Hi Pak and his wife. The story of Park and his mother, Annie Choi, is totally like something out of a Regency-period novel, except maybe for the part where, in the early days of his Biblical sex cult, Moon (allegedly) kept a stable of a half-dozen concubines, known as the Six Marys, and inducted her into the group when she was 17. Sometimes, she adds, he would assemble them all in a circle and take turns mounting them [in “purifying” sexual rites] We definitely would have remembered if there was something like that in Jane Austen. Read more on Moonie Family Values: Rev. Moon Made Washington Times Publisher Raise His Secret Adultery-Baby…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, our weekly collection of cranky crap that wasn’t worth a full post, but was too incandescently stoopid to ignore altogether. First up, Bryan Fischer told all his followers on Twitter today to go read this shocking billion-word exposé of what Teh Ghey is really all about, as explained by Ronald G. Lee, a Catholic gay guy who discovered that for all the talk of gay marriage, and for that matter, of “gay culture,” the only thing really going on among gay people is constant promiscuous sex and porn. He has even discovered the perfect metaphor to explain this indisputable science fact: When he was a grad student in Austin, he went to Lobo’s, a “gay” bookstore that had “gay” fiction and poetry, “gay” memoirs, and books about the “gay rights” movement in the front of the store (happily, he mostly gives up the scare quotes after the first couple paragraphs), but the back of the store, in “a section not visible from the street” was where the real money got made, because that’s where all the porn was. And all that stuff in the front was just a façade, but a vital façade (metaphor time here!): Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze…
  Terrizm!

Washington Times Op-Ed: Investigating Scott Walker Based On Leads From Six Criminal Associates Is ‘Political Terrorism’

Judson Phillips is known to your Wonkette as a guy who once wrote that Barack Obama just might be a crack-smoking gay sexer, which was fun. Now he’s got some words in the Washington Times (yeah but still) about how the current criminal probe into Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker’s Forever Campaign (because he is always being recalled) is “political terrorism,” and the Bush-backed special prosecutor on the case is a “political terrorist.” Ha… ha? See, Scott Walker had some friends who worked for him and/or gave him money, and now those folks  have been convicted of various crimes, so sad! Bad friends that they are, they’ve allegedly said some things that amount to: “Scott Walker’s campaign did such and such crimes.” None of this is mentioned in Judson’s column of course, because shut up, it’s political terrorism something something gay marriage. Read more on Washington Times Op-Ed: Investigating Scott Walker Based On Leads From Six Criminal Associates Is ‘Political Terrorism’…
  the re-love-ution will not be televised

Ron Paul Says He Wants A Revolution, Rand Paul Takes Money From People With Minds That Hate

Hey, kids, here’s a big surprise! Ron Paul thinks it’s high time for patriots to stop letting the federal government push them around, what with its “laws” and “healthcare mandate” and all that. What’s more, he thinks that there’s really no longer any reason to wait to start watering the ol’ Tree of Liberty with the blood of tyrants. Speaking in the former capitol of the Confederacy Monday in support of another Lost Cause, Ken Cuccinelli’s campaign for governor of Virginia, Paul said “We need someone to stand up to the authoritarians … They’re dictators.” …He stressed that the constitutional “right to keep and bear arms” was not for hunting, but to allow rebellion against tyrannical governments. “The Second Amendment was not there so you could shoot rabbits,” he said. “Right now today, we have a great threat to our liberties internally.” This talk of the need for revolution is certainly not unfamiliar to gun-fondlers, but as far as we can tell, this is the most direct call that Ron Paul has made for actually shooting people. Right now, today. Well, sure. why not? What could possibly go wrong? Read more on Ron Paul Says He Wants A Revolution, Rand Paul Takes Money From People With Minds That Hate…
  so much for winning the jayson blair prize

In Outbreak Of Editorial Judgment, Washington Times Drops Rand Paul’s Column Because He Can’t Stop Copying

The Washington Times, a scabrous rag, actually wrote something we agree with — a farewell note to Senator Rand Paul, whose column for the paper will be ended following multiple accusations of plagiarism, including a recent column for that paper. In a paragraph that we hope elicited hearty laughter all around the newsroom, the Times noted that Mr. Paul took personal responsibility for the oversights, which he and aides said were caused by staff providing him background materials that were not properly footnoted. Ah, yes, the old “I take personal responsibility for my underlings’ sloppy work” ploy. You stay classy, Rand. (Protip: No citation needed for obvious allusions.) Read more on In Outbreak Of Editorial Judgment, Washington Times Drops Rand Paul’s Column Because He Can’t Stop Copying…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cache Of Crazy

Happy Saturday, Wonkaroonies, and welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, where we stomp on a bunch of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite enough to do a full post on, to squeeze out whatever funny may still be in them. If the mixture tastes a little off, add booze. (This almost exactly how they make “Sunny Delight.”) Item Numero Uno is not strictly Political Derp, but we do Media Derp, too. Plus it is from Yr Dok Zoom’s own hometown of Boise, Idaho. On Thursday, KIVI teevee sportsball guy Paul Gerke did his entire four-minute segment in costume and character as Ron Burgundy, which we understand was a character played by the great comedic actor “Kevin Nealon.” It’s just about the most press that our fair city has gotten since the Broncos won the Siesta Bowl sportsball tournament a few years ago, so we are obliged to write about it. Thanks for the national attention, Deadspin! Nice for Idaho to get some attention that involves neither neo-nazis nor Senator Widestance. Video after the jump, for those of you who are into celebrity impressions that add a Minnesota accent to a character that didn’t originally have one. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cache Of Crazy…
  today in dumb bullshit that is dumb

Oh Yeah, We Should Definitely Give An Extra Two United States Senators To ‘Northern Colorado’

What is up, “Northern Colorado”? Oh, you are sick and tired of being sick and tired of having those elitist cosmopolitans from Denver and, um … Colorado Springs we guess? … ramming their sneering liberalness down your throats? (WITH THEIR PENISES.) And you think you should probably get your own state because democracy JUST. ISN’T. FAIR when you get outvoted on stuff because of how there are fewer of you? Tell it to us, Washington Times: Voters in several rural Colorado counties will be asked whether they want to form a new state tentatively named Northern Colorado in the November election, a reaction to the Democrat-controlled state legislature’s “war on rural Colorado.” A war! My goodness. We should probably look at some of these battles and skirmishes and foofaraws! Read more on Oh Yeah, We Should Definitely Give An Extra Two United States Senators To ‘Northern Colorado’…
  Today's False Equivalency Update

‘The Left’ Is Anti-Science Because Of Hippies, Says New Dumb Book

Hey, there, fellow leftists! Hope you’re all having a great day eating organic arugula, liberating lab animals from a university research facility, and withholding your children from getting vaccinated! Because it turns out that, despite the fairly well-documented dislike of science facts by many on the right, it’s really libruls who hate science, as the Moonie Times discovered when it spoke to Dr. Alex Berezow, a microbiologist and science blogger who just happens to have co-authored a book on that very subject, Science Left Behind: Feel-Good Fallacies and the Rise of the Anti-Scientific Left. It’s apparently a kind of reply to Chris Mooney’s 2006 The Republican War on Science; we will happily admit to not having read either one. So is this another case of Both Sides Do It, then? Let us “examine” the “evidence” and “form” a “conclusion”! Read more on ‘The Left’ Is Anti-Science Because Of Hippies, Says New Dumb Book…
  Heathen Watch

Washington Times Stakes Out DNC Prayer Room; Bothers, Judges People

Happy Sunday, everyone! Except those of you who are Democrats, because you obviously hate God so much you will boo His name. You do you not get a happy Sunday, and you will only get one when you pray more — the jig is up, heathens, and the Washington Times is onto you. We know they are onto you because they wrote about it the other day. While some of the most prominent politicians in America were giving “speeches” and such at the DNC, the Times was intrepidly hanging out in the Charlotte Convention Center’s prayer room, where you didn’t notice them because none of you pray, ever. Read more on Washington Times Stakes Out DNC Prayer Room; Bothers, Judges People…
  aww muffin

Mitt Romney Eats Muffins Like A Precious, Fussy Little Child

This marks the week of Reclaiming Mitt Romney, in which he gives out lots and lots of interviews to show how beneath the cold, awkward, moderately inhuman exterior, he is a cold, awkward, moderately inhuman person who is competent enough to run the most powerful nation in the world despite having no idea what 98.7% of Americans do day to day besides get sunburned at his rallies and wash his cars. To that end, Mitt Romney has decided to give the Washington Times a deep insight into how he eats muffins. Hint: he does it like a weirdo. Read more on Mitt Romney Eats Muffins Like A Precious, Fussy Little Child…
  wonkette algebra hour

Moonie Times: Obama Plays Golf One Billion Hours Per Day

DC’s favorite Korean cult newspaper The Washington Times is celebrating President Obama’s 100th round of golf as president by putting this in fascinating mathematical context: “The next time President Obama hits the links, it will be his 100th round of golf since coming to the White House. That’s quite a milestone in just 3 1/2 years. As it takes him about six hours to drive to the greens and complete 18 holes, Mr. Obama has spent the equivalent of four months’ worth of work time golfing. Meanwhile, the U.S. economy has been stuck in a sand trap.” Care to show your work there, Moonies? We’ll show ours. Read more on Moonie Times: Obama Plays Golf One Billion Hours Per Day…
  sharing: the end of america

Moonie Times Columnist Has Many Nuanced, Reasonable Opinions About Bikesharing

DC’s Capital Bikeshare program, for which you pay a fee to join and then ride bikes to and from docking stations across the city, is a popular thing that keeps enlisting new members and expanding. Its success is leading other cities, such as New York, to start their own programs. Now, as an earth-destroying motorist, your Wonkette author basically hates bikers and runs them over at every opportunity. But it’s hard to deny the success of a successful program that most people like, right? And now we can really confirm the success of this program, because a Washington Times columnist has written a pathetic, desperate screed about how bikesharing is communist, and gay, and the downfall of the West, essentially. Read more on Moonie Times Columnist Has Many Nuanced, Reasonable Opinions About Bikesharing…
  shoddy journalism

Corrections: Your Wonkette’s Week In Mistakes

In the story “Jerry Brown To Washington Times Reporter: ‘Are You a Moonie?'” we referred to idiot reporter Kerry Picket as him, he, his, etc. We are sorry to report that Kerry Picket is in fact a woman. This shames us all — all women, that is, as Picket’s tete-a-tete avec Governor Brown was the worst reportorial outing since Diane Sawyer slurred her way through one of this year’s 437 GOP primary debates. Read more on Corrections: Your Wonkette’s Week In Mistakes…
  governor moonbeam

Jerry Brown To Washington Times Reporter: ‘Are You a Moonie?’

California Governor Jerry Brown dealt with some hack Washington Times reporter in the exact way all elected officials should deal with Washington Times reporters: by repeatedly correcting him on basic facts, pointing and laughing in his (presumably fat and pasty) face, and then delivering a rough-and-ready Jerry Brown-style head-butt to the dingle. After much back-and-forth in which the Hero Wingnut Reporter mangled basic historic and economic facts and then declared that California was going bankrupt, we arrive at the crux of the matter, the moment in which Brown just totally fucks the poor simpleton’s head, in front of his sniggering fellows, haha. Read more on Jerry Brown To Washington Times Reporter: ‘Are You a Moonie?’…
  anthony weiner did 9/11?

Moonie Times: Weiner Maybe Showed His Weiner Because He’s Secretly Muslim

How is crazyland? Still crazy! Here’s what the Washington Times posted about a well-known Jewish man from New York: Given the defense articulated by the Imam, which would be offered only for a Muslim man, we must believe this opportunity to remove this Muslim woman from a union with an non-believer would be quickly taken. Therefore we must consider that Mr. Weiner *may* have converted to Islam, because if he did not, we have to consider the unlikely, that being that Ms. Abedin has abandoned her Muslim faith, even while she still practices. Read more on Moonie Times: Weiner Maybe Showed His Weiner Because He’s Secretly Muslim…
  rumors on the internets

Wicked Witch Of the Left Casts Hex On John Dennis

A video game from 1998 CONCLUSIVELY PROVES that Marxism is a lie. [Ludwig Von Mises Institute] The Huffington Post and some Islamaphobe blog are in a juicy spat because HuffPo reported the Islamaphobe’s Islamaphobic ads were taken down when they were actually not taken down, prompting MASSIVE RETALIATION via blog post. [AtlasShrugs] Read more on Wicked Witch Of the Left Casts Hex On John Dennis…
  Free Radicals

Barack Obama’s a New Black Panther

Mark your calendars! At this Friday’s hearing of the “Civil Rights Commission” or whatever, some lawyer from the Department of Justice will tell lies and cover up the truth about why Minister of Justice Eric Holder dropped federal voter intimidation charges against members of the New Black Panther Party last year. Holder let them off the hook for allegedly being mean to voters on Election Day 2008. As Real American news sources reported, the Panthers played with their gum and left cookie crumbs on the floor and OH YEAH, allegedly played with billy clubs while calling people not-nice names at a polling place in Philadelphia, which made the Liberty Bell crack. Read more on Barack Obama’s a New Black Panther…