Tag Archives: washington post

  the closest exit may be behind you

US Airways’ Tweet Of Airplane In A Ladygarden Overshadows Pulitzers, Because America Has Priorities

The Pulitzer Prizes were announced Monday afternoon, with top honors going to The Guardian and The Washington Post for their coverage of the Edward Snowden NSA revelations. That news was largely lost on users of Twitter, however, as they all were looking at pictures of a model airplane with its cockpit inserted into a lady’s boarding gate that was accidentally tweeted by U.S. Airways’ corporate account. Instead of finding out about how the Post and the Guardian blew the lid off the National Security Agency’s far-reaching domestic surveillance program, most Twitter users were instead grabbing screencaps of the bizarre image, which stayed on the airline’s Twitter page for nearly an hour. To protect your continued employment, we have covered up the tweet with an appropriate censorship item; the full, very NSFW image is at Deadspin (NSFW) and all over the freaking place. Pretty sure that someone has lost their corporate social-media job over this one; we’d just like to say that while we may not be able to match an airline’s pay scale, they’re welcome to share their portfolio at Wonkette. Read more on US Airways’ Tweet Of Airplane In A Ladygarden Overshadows Pulitzers, Because America Has Priorities…
  that's some bullshit

Social Security Administration Just Stealing Tax Refunds at Random, Basically

One time, we woke up and checked our piddling bank account and we were like, “Hmm, extra money, DON’T MIND IF WE DO!” And then our banking overlords quickly got in touch with us and were like, oooooh, sorry about that, we made an oopsie and are now taking that money back please. And we’d already bought a Hoverround, and now what are we supposed to do? Well, it seems the big bad fedrul gubmint is now doing the same, only not so much on the “quickly” part. Instead, the government that asks you to keep receipts of all your taxable thingies occasionally doesn’t do such a good job keeping its own paperwork in order. And sometimes it takes them a couple decades to figure that, okay, sorry we’re not perfect, DAD. The Washington Post tells the frankly infuriating story of Mary Grice, who as a wee little lassie got some Social Security survivors benefits, paid to her mother. Or maybe her dad’s first wife, whom she’s never met. But the feds say maybe, they’re not sure how, Mary Grice’s mom, or someone else entirely, might have been overpaid. Thirty-seven years ago. So they’re attaching Mary Grice’s tax refund now. Read more on Social Security Administration Just Stealing Tax Refunds at Random, Basically…
  what if?

What If Jennifer Rubin Starred In An Experimental Science Fiction Short Story From 1968?

JENNIFER RUBIN is so funny, and there are a thousand laughs in store for you in the Washington Post with the new, improved JENNIFER RUBIN. Everyone enjoys a talking JENNIFER RUBIN, from young to old. Taste, see, smell, and “desire to reassert America’s place in the world” with a JENNIFER RUBIN. Experience every emotion known to JENNIFER RUBIN. And if you already have a JENNIFER RUBIN, remember what the Washington Post says: “Two JENNIFER RUBINS are better than one!” Everyone enjoys a talking JENNIFER RUBIN. Every minute is different from the next minute in the incredible thought-chaos of JENNIFER RUBIN. And every single JENNIFER RUBIN is different! Read more on What If Jennifer Rubin Starred In An Experimental Science Fiction Short Story From 1968?…
  note to bezos: fire george will

George Will Remains Blissfully Unaware IRS Scandal Was Never A Real Thing

George Will sucks. He has managed to garble together some wordthings in the Washington Post about Lois Lerner and the IRS scandal, and eleventy million percent of them are full of suckitude. It is like a universal ball of suck shat out a person-sized suck-turd and named it George Will, and now we are stuck with his godawful word salad of putridness. Apparently masquerading as a mouthpiece for Congressional Assclown Extraordinaire Darrell Issa, George Will wrote: [Lois Lerner] knows what her IRS unit did and how it intersects with the law, and for a second time she has exercised her constitutional right to remain silent rather than risk self-incrimination. The public has a right to make reasonable inferences from her behavior. This is exactly what Jesus H. Washington Jefferson Lincoln had in mind when He drafted the amendments. Clearly, in America, the public has the right… nay, the Constitutional obligation to presume guilt before weighing any actual evidence. Guilty until proven innocent in the “press,” right? Read more on George Will Remains Blissfully Unaware IRS Scandal Was Never A Real Thing…
  yo momma

It Is Time For Paul Ryan To Stop Insulting Our Parents

Paul Ryan is in the news for lying again, and Wonkette helped break the story, go us! The Washington Post cited yr Editrix’s post about a comment on this TPM story that noted how Paul Ryan’s tale of a young boy who preferred the brown-bagged love of his parents to the hard cheese of socialism was suspiciously similar to one in this book, and good work if you followed all that. WaPo’s Glenn Kessler gave Ryan’s rotten fable four Pinocchios, because Paul Ryan is a small puppet child who talks to crickets, and also because he lies a lot. But honestly, we don’t care too much that Paul Ryan is lying. It’s Paul Ryan, after all. No, we care a lot more that he has a habit of calling our parents losers. His recent quattro pinocchio is a great example. Read more on It Is Time For Paul Ryan To Stop Insulting Our Parents…
  thugs

Jennifer Rubin Furious That Obama Administration Finally Doing What Jennifer Rubin Wanted

“Why isn’t Obama talking about black-on-white violence? Why won’t Obama acknowledge that minorities are doing crimes? When will Obama tell young men of color to be responsible and get married and don’t do crimes?” Asking these questions — indignantly and at length — is as close as many commentators on the right will get to the issue of race. Some will get closer, of course (often with appalling and hilarious results), but the default setting of most conservative critics is to broadly blame Obama for failing to create racial harmony because he’s too afraid of taking on minorities. So these folks should love Obama’s new ‘My Brother’s Keeper’ initiative “to bring private businesses, nonprofits and local governments together to intervene in key moments in the lives of young black and Hispanic men to ensure they stay in school and eventually train for and get good jobs.” But GUESS WHAT! They do not love it! They think it is bad, because “Constitution,” and “discrimination,” and “what about white people,” and “the word ‘insipid’ used wrong,” and “Jennifer Rubin.” Hey wait! Where are you going? Jennifer Rubin is so important! She has a column in the Washington Post! She doesn’t know what insipid means! In any event, it’s insipid to suggest one’s “brother” for whom you should look after is defined by skin color or ethnic background. She probably typed “tasteless synonym” into her internet machine and it spit “insipid” back at her, and she was like “ooh, that word sounds like a good word, here I will put it in” and her editor Fred Hiatt said “snooze I am sleeping at my desk, my writers just do whatever the fuck they want and it seems to work good because I still have a job, I’m the best.” Read more on Jennifer Rubin Furious That Obama Administration Finally Doing What Jennifer Rubin Wanted…
  does getting a blowjob count as job creation?

Harry Reid Wants To Save Nevada Prostitutes From 2016 Republican National Convention

Even though our Kenyan Dictator B. Barry Bamz was re-crowned only last year, it is already time to start thinking about the next Presidential election, which also means it is still time to stab ourselves in the eye with a spork everytime Chris Cillizza soils the pages of the Washington Post with the latest meaningless poll about 2016 hopefuls. But before the GOP can keep minorities from voting in 2016, there have to be official nominating conventions where actors talk to empty chairs or something. Cities fight hard to get picked for the conventions because prestige money. And one city vying for the Republican convention is Las Vegas, Nevada. But our old pal Stormin’ Mormon Harry Reid is throwing some cold water on those prospects, per the Reno Gazette-Journal: “I have been supportive of them on that,” Reid said about the push to bring the GOP convention to Las Vegas, “But that (prostitution) would be an issue.” There are unconfirmed reports that Sen. David Vitter (R-John) is going to personally investigate these prostitutes to see if they will be a distraction.  Read more on Harry Reid Wants To Save Nevada Prostitutes From 2016 Republican National Convention…
  U Jelly?

Ezra Klein Didn’t Get Ten Million Dollars From Washington Post, Taking His Wonkblog And Going Home

Exciting media news! Okay fine, “media news!” Ezra Klein, America’s foremost wunderkind of writing words about charts, is leaving the Washington Post. According to The POLITICO, wunderkind Klein wanted the Post to help him start a new blog-type venture with “more than three-dozen staffers and a multi-year budget of at least $10 million.” More than three-dozen staffers! That’s four Twitchys! Read more on Ezra Klein Didn’t Get Ten Million Dollars From Washington Post, Taking His Wonkblog And Going Home…
  secret service moved to 'naughty' list

Secret Service Ruining Blowvember With Creepy Hotel Antics

Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, people, you keep getting Blowvember all wrong. First, CBS tries to co-opt it by blowing every news story it reports on. And now the Secret Service is being super-creepy with the ladies, according to the Washington Post. It seems that this past spring, a Secret Service agent was trying to force his way into a woman’s hotel room. NO!! BAD SECRET SERVICE!! NOT OK!! This dumbassery led to an internal investigation, which revealed some more bad behavior by this agent and another dude. As everyone knows, Blowvember is about sexual scandal, but not the creepy or rapey kind. It should be a celebration, but the only person who seems to keep the spirit of Blowvember in his heart is Rob Ford. AMERICA, WE CAN’T OUTSOURCE BLOWVEMBER TO THE CANADIANS! Let’s get it together, people.  Read more on Secret Service Ruining Blowvember With Creepy Hotel Antics…
  is this real life?

So This Is The One That Is Finally Going To Get Richard Cohen Fired From Washington Post, Right? RIGHT?

Last week, Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen, who is paid to have opinions ‘n’ things, finally realized that slavery was really, really bad y’all, like even worse than taxes and stuff. This week? It is hard to explain without going into an actual seizure, like when you are playing Japanese video games, or whatever, you know, with the strobes and the epilepsy? Like that, but from disgust and sadness and stabbiness and suicidal ideation at the state of humanity and our world. Are you ready? Here, let us let Richard Cohen tell you himself: Read more on So This Is The One That Is Finally Going To Get Richard Cohen Fired From Washington Post, Right? RIGHT?…
  it's not like they called for gun safety training or anything

CBS, Lara Logan Apologize For Fake 60 Minutes Benghazi Report, Fire Dan Rather Again

Oopsies! Seems like today must be Apology Day — we have Barack Obama apologizing that his line about keeping your own insurance didn’t include an asterisk to cover really crappy private-market plans, the Republican Congressional Committee calling on Democrats to apologize for not repealing a law they passed, a Texas school district not apologizing for something it should be very, very ashamed of, and now, here’s CBS’s Lara Logan, apologizing for that 60 Minutes report about Benghazi that was based on the fantasies of a guy who now says that you should trust him, because everything else he previously said about Benghazi was a lie. Too many apologies in one day? We regret nothing! Read more on CBS, Lara Logan Apologize For Fake 60 Minutes Benghazi Report, Fire Dan Rather Again…
  the devils we know

Elected Teabaggers Astonished That Not Everyone Loves Teabaggers

Why, sure, Washington Post, we’d love to read a political trends think-piece! Whatcha got? Oh, Tea Partiers who were elected in 2010 are starting to see some pushback in their home districts? OK, sure, we’ll read that! Please tell us that people are getting tired of their antics, will you? For instance, maybe you could tell us that business interests in Michigan are hoping to find a center-right candidate to run in the primary against Justin Amash, who tried to make John Boehner unSpeakerble? But within Grand Rapids’ powerful business establishment, patience is running low with Amash’s ideological agenda and tactics. Some business leaders are recruiting a Republican primary challenger who they hope will serve the old-fashioned way — by working the inside game and playing nice to gain influence and solve problems for the district. They are tired of tea party governance, as exemplified by the budget fight that led to the shutdown and threatens a first-ever U.S. credit default. Oh, golly, that just thrills us down to our center-left tippy-toes! We’re no fan of old-money Republicans, but at least they aren’t dead set on burning down the country to make a point about Freedom. Please, tell us more about these magical moderates that are springing up everywhere. Read more on Elected Teabaggers Astonished That Not Everyone Loves Teabaggers…
  Seriously Howard Kurtz STFU

I Did Yoga With Ben Bradlee’s Daughter-In-Law And She Didn’t Even Take Off Her Top

Last month, at our sister site Terrible News For Terrible People Dot Com, we brought you the story “Howard Kurtz Is A Dumb Asshole.” In it, we wondered why exactly media critic Howard Kurtz, currently at Fox News, had taken it upon himself to play Facebook Picture Scold about the beautiful portraits of Pari Bradlee, a yoga instructor who has never done anything to anybody except have the gall to marry legendary Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee’s son. Read more on I Did Yoga With Ben Bradlee’s Daughter-In-Law And She Didn’t Even Take Off Her Top…
  don't help because he's not acually being oppressed

Secession Is The New Orange, Which Is The New Black: Maryland Edition

Man, what is it with Republicans whining about not getting everything they want, up to and including a pony for their birthday and a tiara? It’s like the party has been taken over by a bunch of 4-year-olds who insist their tantrums be taken as serious arguments. Who are the latest group of pouty monkey-howlers? Take it away, Washington Post: [A] 49-year-old information technology consultant wants to apply the knife to Maryland’s five western counties. “The people are the sovereign,” says Scott Strzelczyk, leader of the fledgling Western Maryland Initiative, and the western sovereigns are fed up with Annapolis’s liberal majority, elected by the state’s other sovereigns. First off, props to the Post for the nice “state’s other sovereigns.” That was a nice bit of snark. Anyway, yet another group of rural Republicans are sick and tired of their liberty being infringed upon by… well, fellow citizens who vote in democratic elections for folks who then pass laws through an open and transparent process. Clearly, this is the height of TYRANNY!  Read more on Secession Is The New Orange, Which Is The New Black: Maryland Edition…
  blurred lines

Richard Cohen Thinks Miley Cyrus Raped That Poor Girl In Steubenville

Too much Nice Time got you down? Well don’t worry kids, here is the Washington Post’s Richard Cohen to sexplain all you ever wanted to know about how Miley Cyrus raped that poor girl in Steubenville. Hmmm. Rape. Pop culture. Womyn things. Do you suppose there will be a single sentence — fuck it, a single word — that is not HOLY FUCKBALLS RICHARD COHEN? Hahaha, maybe one? Let us see if we can find it, together! Hmmmm, is this a sentence that will not cause our eyeballs to fall out of our skulls and roll under the fridge to be chewed up by cock-a-roaches? Read more on Richard Cohen Thinks Miley Cyrus Raped That Poor Girl In Steubenville…
  The first rule of talking about race is don't talk about race

Kathleen Parker: MLK Jr. Would Want Racist Obama To Stop Talking About Race Already, Sheesh

Oh goody, it is time for Pulitzer-prize winning columnist (yeah, we don’t get how that happened either) Kathleen Parker to explain to us once more why President Obama is being reverse-racist against white people by being, you know, not white. (Or, ahem, as she likes to point out, only half not-white — which is a perfectly valid and not-racist observation for her to make because she does not “see him as only black” and also because she is related to him in a cousinly way.) In today’s vomitorious mass of argle bargle, Parker sighs, for the eleventy billionth time, that is is SO ANNOYING the way Obama is always blacking on and on about how he is black. Don’t you just hate that? She sure does. Read more on Kathleen Parker: MLK Jr. Would Want Racist Obama To Stop Talking About Race Already, Sheesh…
  blame canada

Canadian Ted Cruz Shocked — Shocked! — To Learn He Is Canadian

Ivy-league graduate and Harvard Law Review editor Ted Cruz is a startling example of how a Grade A Dumbass can become a U.S. Senator. From Texas, but it still counts. Apparently, despite attending Princeton for undergrad and Harvard for law school, this guy had no idea that being born in Canada makes one a Canadian citizen, even though he himself was that guy who was born in Canada and was therefore a Canadian citizen. If only there was some sort of World Wide InterConnected Web of Electronic Pages one could consult to learn about these things. Someone should get on that. Well, the dual-citizen is finally unburdening himself of his Canadian heritage, allowing him to proudly declare that he is an American and only an American. Per The Hill: “Now the Dallas Morning News says that I may technically have dual citizenship,” Cruz said in a statement. “Assuming that is true, then sure, I will renounce any Canadian citizenship.” Although technically, you are still a giant asshole, but we aren’t sure there is a form you can fill out to renounce that.  Read more on Canadian Ted Cruz Shocked — Shocked! — To Learn He Is Canadian…
  blog like nobody's watching

If You Like Dumb Things That Are Wrong, You’ll Love Jennifer Rubin’s Latest Column

It starts with the headline: “A president who pleases no one.” Really, no one at all, not even Michelle? Poor lady, maybe Reggie Love will go straight for her, just this once. But it’s weird, because from here it looks like 44.3% of people are pleased with the president’s constant treason and all the white slavery he does on them. Hey, whatever engorges your genitals! ASIDE: Do we think that Jennifer Rubin cried when her former ombudsman said she was subhuman garbage and the best evidence against the existence of a merciful God (paraphrasing)? Or did she welcome our scorn, sniffing “Let them eat shit!” and then maybe she farted sulfurously? Something else? Read more on If You Like Dumb Things That Are Wrong, You’ll Love Jennifer Rubin’s Latest Column…
  hacks

Will No One Stand Up For WaPo’s Poor Pitiful Jennifer Rubin?

Fellows! To the ramparts! Our own beloved fair maiden of the Washington Post editorial page is under attack most foul, and from the most treacherous quarters! Those treacherous traitors being the former ombudsman of the Washington Post! Dudes, he calls her “ugly”! Look, right there: The Ugly Jennifer Rubin. Sure, it purports to be an open letter to Jeff Bezos or someone about what to do with his new fishwrappy plaything. But it is marked throughout with unkindest cuts! Read more on Will No One Stand Up For WaPo’s Poor Pitiful Jennifer Rubin?…
  shut the fuck up richard cohen

WaPo’s Richard Cohen None Too Pleased With Hillary Clinton’s Age, Vagina

The Washington Post’s Richard Cohen returns to the scene of the crime*. Becoming the first female president is a worthy goal, but it kind of falls into the category of miles traveled and countries visited. It is an achievement, even a stunning one, but it is not a stirring trumpet call. Even now, her statistics-laden tenure has been somewhat eclipsed by her successor at State. John F. Kerry has already managed to bring Israelis and Palestinians together to resume peace talks. If these talks produce an agreement (not likely, but still . . .), then all this talk about miles traveled is going to sound awfully silly. Yes, we are sure John Kerry will solve World Peace (not likely, but still . . .) and show that Hillary Clinton, with her constant “traveling the world to do her job” is really just Reese Witherspoon in Election staying up all night to bake the goddamn cupcakes, and they never actually accomplished a thing! Read more on WaPo’s Richard Cohen None Too Pleased With Hillary Clinton’s Age, Vagina…
  nice time or whatever oh fuck it

BREAKING! David Vitter Does Thing That Is Kind Of Okay

In breaking news-that-shouldn’t-be-news, a Republican Senator has publicly stated that he will help constituents if they call asking for help about a federal program! Ticker-tape parade! Balloons! A spread of the finest Ritz crackers and Costco-brand cheeses in all the land! Who is this brave Republican who will seek to actually help the people who elected him? None other than our favorite baby-cosplay-with-prostitutes-having politician, David Vitter (R-Red Light)! Per Think Progress: QUESTION: Is your office going to help constituents who might simply want to buy insurance? VITTER: Well, we’re helping folks in any way we can trying to get them good information… We field calls every day in my offices in Louisiana trying to help people with individual questions and circumstances and I would encourage folks to call my office to get that guidance and help. We are not sure whether or not the Senator is aware that diapers are not covered by Obamacare, but don’t tell him or he might change his mind.  Read more on BREAKING! David Vitter Does Thing That Is Kind Of Okay…