Seventy-year-old Washington Post features editor Henry Allen, like many of us, frequently wants to punch the writers of Washington Post articles immediately after reading them. But you can’t actually do that, Henry! Oh, wait, it was a “charticle” someone else had assigned that infuriated him so much last week. Punches are justified on anyone who writes a “charticle,” of course. MORE »

We’ve read these ten columns from the Washington Post-Newsweek Interactive Kaplan Test Prep Daily’s Actual Sex Contest, and not a single one pissed us off as much as an average column by George Will, Richard Cohen, Charles Krauthammer, David Ignatius, Bill Kristol, Fred Hiatt, Jackson Diehl, Ruth Marcus, Michael Gerson, David Broder, etc. But maybe we just don’t know them yet? MORE »

CURSE YOU, HIATT. MORE »

You have until 11:59 p.m. to submit your essay to the Washington Post’s “America’s Next Great Pundit” contest, the winner of which receives two doses of Richard Cohen’s “orange” flavor Metamucil! Supposedly the judging and elimination rounds will begin late next week and… oh god… we are just not prepared for this avalanche of comedy. [Washington Post]

Would anyone mind if the Washington Post just declared Bill Donohue, President of the Catholic League, the winner of the amateur pundit talent show immediately? Donohue was a “guest voice” yesterday on Jon Meacham and Sally Quinn’s religion thing, in which he heroically thought of this one alliteration: “America’s Secular Saboteurs.” He’s like, “The culture war is up for grabs. The good news is that religious conservatives continue to breed like rabbits, while secular saboteurs have shut down: they’re too busy walking their dogs, going to bathhouses and aborting their kids. Time, it seems, is on the side of the angels.” But like actually. MORE »

Some of the most ominous words you can read on the entire Washington Internet are, “Quick takes by The Post’s opinion writers.” The Washington Post has an entire blog for this sort of thing. Usually it is just like, “Wait, what happened? Oh my god you better bomb it immediately!” All other posts are the World’s Worst Writer, Richard Cohen, “riffing” on the morning’s news. “I am prepping to destroy this ethos of ‘comprehensive incrementalism,’ artfully.” Do not click on this link. [Washington Post]

Wonkette’s Newspaper Furry operative “Dan” sends this disturbing, secret sex picture and writes: “Attached for your pleasure is a digital photograph my girlfriend captured from my balcony. It was taken at this past weekend’s ‘Fiesta DC’ Latino block-party in Mount Pleasant. The dog-thing is apparently the Washington Post’s mascot (they have one??) who was getting dressed in a parking spot behind my building.” Official furries paying for back-alley blowjobs while on duty: this is what the Washington Post calls “journalism” now.

TODAY’S OFFERING FROM… A CERTAIN “COHEN, RICHARD”: Celebrated Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen wants Obama to GET REAL now. You’re President, for the love of fuck — bomb Iran already! etc. etc. And it really was just a matter of time before Richard Cohen used this line, wasn’t it: “These Persians lie like a rug.” Amazing. [Washington Post]

Obama, Sarkozy and Brown’s disclosure this morning of a secret “other” Iranian uranium-enrichment facility hidden under the ground (crafty!) will have one certain effect: an outpouring of Very Serious Centrism from the Washington Post’s stable of pundits. David Ignatius, as you can see, has already commenced the fappery for bombing and war. “It’s hard to see how this one will end short of military confrontation if the Iranians don’t start bargaining for real,” Ignatius writes, as though he knows what he’s talking about. He also compares the current situation to the Cuban Missile Crisis, which famously ended before people started bombing each other. [Washington Post]

Do you want to know the most important and controversial news story ever in world history? Courtesy of the Washington press corps: Barack Obama does a lot of teevee interviews to talk about his policies, and he might be “overexposing” himself this way. (Can anyone explain what the dickens this “overexposure” argument could possibly fucking mean? People do realize that you aren’t *required* to watch television shows you don’t want to watch, or television in general, right?) Right. But where there’s epic tragedy there’s room for High Satire, and who better to write that than the World’s Worst Writer, Washington Post sociopath Richard Cohen. Remember: he is “a funny guy” and knows most things about humor. (No but seriously, [re-]read that linked 2006 column if you haven’t done so in a while.) MORE »

Ha ha Washington Post. How will they make money during this damnable Internet Age? Masturbation videos about beer? Selling information and brokering access to rich lobbyists over wine at the publisher’s home? Maybe somehow loving war even more? Such a quandary. Until they come up with a new long-term business plan, though, the temporary strategy will just be to pour buckets of Prozac into the printing presses. MORE »