Hey meet the winner of the Washington Post’s pundit match: “Kevin”! He appears to be nothing more than a composite of all preexisting Washington Post op-ed writers, yet somehow even whiter. Synergy! [Washington Post]

Now that the Washington Post no longer practices journalism, it can eschew standard editorial practices, such as having its staff book critic review a new book, for wackier PR flourishes, like having one semi-famous Democrat and one semi-famous Republican each write very predictable reviews of an insanely polarizing Republican politician’s new book. Today, the Post’s “liberal” review of Going Rogue came from Ana Marie Cox, who “cannot claim to have completely read ‘Going Rogue,’” but still thought it sucked. It’s more than understandable. But the Weekly Standard’s priggish Matthew Continetti did read the book for his conservative review, which is brilliant beyond all measure. MORE »

The Washington Post’s “Dean of Sociopaths,” David Broder, wore his finest slacks to write this paragraph: “It is evident from the length of this deliberative process and from the flood of leaks that have emerged from Kabul and Washington that the perfect course of action does not exist. Given that reality, the urgent necessity is to make a decision — whether or not it is right.” PSST… $50 if you choose the wrong one, so I can have things to criticize? Trick question, I will criticize any of them. Can I still have $50? Where did I put those slacks… [Washington Post via Spencer Ackerman]

Seventy-year-old Washington Post features editor Henry Allen, like many of us, frequently wants to punch the writers of Washington Post articles immediately after reading them. But you can’t actually do that, Henry! Oh, wait, it was a “charticle” someone else had assigned that infuriated him so much last week. Punches are justified on anyone who writes a “charticle,” of course. MORE »

We’ve read these ten columns from the Washington Post-Newsweek Interactive Kaplan Test Prep Daily’s Actual Sex Contest, and not a single one pissed us off as much as an average column by George Will, Richard Cohen, Charles Krauthammer, David Ignatius, Bill Kristol, Fred Hiatt, Jackson Diehl, Ruth Marcus, Michael Gerson, David Broder, etc. But maybe we just don’t know them yet? MORE »

CURSE YOU, HIATT. MORE »

You have until 11:59 p.m. to submit your essay to the Washington Post’s “America’s Next Great Pundit” contest, the winner of which receives two doses of Richard Cohen’s “orange” flavor Metamucil! Supposedly the judging and elimination rounds will begin late next week and… oh god… we are just not prepared for this avalanche of comedy. [Washington Post]

Would anyone mind if the Washington Post just declared Bill Donohue, President of the Catholic League, the winner of the amateur pundit talent show immediately? Donohue was a “guest voice” yesterday on Jon Meacham and Sally Quinn’s religion thing, in which he heroically thought of this one alliteration: “America’s Secular Saboteurs.” He’s like, “The culture war is up for grabs. The good news is that religious conservatives continue to breed like rabbits, while secular saboteurs have shut down: they’re too busy walking their dogs, going to bathhouses and aborting their kids. Time, it seems, is on the side of the angels.” But like actually. MORE »

Some of the most ominous words you can read on the entire Washington Internet are, “Quick takes by The Post’s opinion writers.” The Washington Post has an entire blog for this sort of thing. Usually it is just like, “Wait, what happened? Oh my god you better bomb it immediately!” All other posts are the World’s Worst Writer, Richard Cohen, “riffing” on the morning’s news. “I am prepping to destroy this ethos of ‘comprehensive incrementalism,’ artfully.” Do not click on this link. [Washington Post]

Wonkette’s Newspaper Furry operative “Dan” sends this disturbing, secret sex picture and writes: “Attached for your pleasure is a digital photograph my girlfriend captured from my balcony. It was taken at this past weekend’s ‘Fiesta DC’ Latino block-party in Mount Pleasant. The dog-thing is apparently the Washington Post’s mascot (they have one??) who was getting dressed in a parking spot behind my building.” Official furries paying for back-alley blowjobs while on duty: this is what the Washington Post calls “journalism” now.

TODAY’S OFFERING FROM… A CERTAIN “COHEN, RICHARD”: Celebrated Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen wants Obama to GET REAL now. You’re President, for the love of fuck — bomb Iran already! etc. etc. And it really was just a matter of time before Richard Cohen used this line, wasn’t it: “These Persians lie like a rug.” Amazing. [Washington Post]