Tag Archives: washington post

  Yes we are entertained

John McCain Graciously Refuses To Tell Donald Trump To F*ck Himself In The Ear

Not a good day to be John McCain
Did you hear the one about how Donald Trump thinks John McCain is a L-O-S-E-R for getting captured and held as a prisoner of war that one time, in the Nam, for five and a half years? Of course you did, because we, along with the rest of the entire US of A, can’t stop talking about it. Read more on John McCain Graciously Refuses To Tell Donald Trump To F*ck Himself In The Ear…
  Best Donald Trump ever

Donald Trump Defeats Soviet Union, Builds Vietnam Memorial With His Bare Hands

This time he means it!
Donald “I’m Donald Trump” Trump is basically the most amazing man who has ever lived, which you should already know by now, and if you don’t you are an idiot because he tells us every day how amazing he is, why don’t you listen to him, America? Listen to Donald Trump, he knows everything! His “I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it!” Also, he is one of the sexiest men on the planet. (“So true!” Trump said, so you know it is.) And he didn’t simply coin the phrase “America,” he also built some of its greatest monuments, with his very own smart sexy TEN BILLIONAIRE hands, including the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in New York, because he’s that kind of guy: Read more on Donald Trump Defeats Soviet Union, Builds Vietnam Memorial With His Bare Hands…
  #notallmillennials

Millennials Do Racism Almost As Good As They Do Texting, Studies Show

#notallmillennials
Everybody’s always talking about “millennials this” and “millennials that” and “millennials sure do bitch a lot” and “millennials are so bad because of their helicopter parents,” but it turns out they’re good at something, and that something is racism! Now, now, boomers, sit down and STFU because they’re no more racist than you are. In fact, they’re a little bit less racist! A LITTLE BIT. According to an analysis by the Washington Post, pulling from data from the General Social Survey, racist inclinations among Whitey haven’t changed much over the last three generations: Read more on Millennials Do Racism Almost As Good As They Do Texting, Studies Show…
  take the no buttsex pledge today!

Here Are 50,443 Inspiring Americans Who Won’t Let Supreme Court Do Gay Stuff To Their Butts

Poor things.
The time is nigh, when the Supreme Court of the United States of America will likely find that there is a constitutional right to marriage equality, though court watchers don’t predict that they’ll make gay marriage a requirement for all Americans. But you’d think they were about to do that, the way anti-gay Jesus Americans are panicking, by nervously, fearfully pulling out their nipple hairs and issuing proclamations that NO! you cannot force gay marriage right down their throats, they’re gonna spit it out! Read more on Here Are 50,443 Inspiring Americans Who Won’t Let Supreme Court Do Gay Stuff To Their Butts…
  Christ what an asshole

Hey Ted Cruz, Why Don’t You Shove Your Joe Biden ‘Jokes’ Right Up Your Bible Hole?

He'll save you, red states!
On Saturday, Vice President Joe Biden’s son Beau died of brain cancer. On Wednesday, Ted Cruz decided the vice president, who has not even buried his son yet, had been given enough time to grieve the loss of yet another child — Biden’s one-year-old daughter and first wife died in a car accident in 1972 — because Cruz had a real HI-larious side-splitting zinger to deliver at a Republican event in Michigan: Read more on Hey Ted Cruz, Why Don’t You Shove Your Joe Biden ‘Jokes’ Right Up Your Bible Hole?…
  Or maybe it happened like this

Baltimore PD: Maybe Freddie Gray Broke His Own Spine. Yeah, That’s The Ticket

Nothing suspicious about this at all
The “maybe it happened like this!” theories to explain the unsolved mystery of how Freddie Gray died from severe spinal injuries after Baltimore police arrested him — besides that police severed his spine, because that could not possibly be the explanation — continue. Conservatives were gleefully sure that his fatal injuries “may have possibly” resulted from a surgery the week before, except there was no surgery. And also, it strains credulity to think that if he had just had surgery on his spine, he’d be up and about the next week, criminally blacking all over the place and trying to outrun police — AGAIN! — because isn’t spinal surgery kind of a big deal? Dunno, we are not a doctor. Just seems unlikely. But since that impossibility doesn’t fly, how about this one, from Baltimore radio talk show host Tom Marr? Read more on Baltimore PD: Maybe Freddie Gray Broke His Own Spine. Yeah, That’s The Ticket…
  twits gotta twit

George Will: Income Inequality Is Good So Poors Should Shut Up

Suck it, people concerned that widening income inequality could lead to economic disruptions and social upheaval!
A cry rang throughout the home of bowtied wax statue George Will, and that cry was “Mother! Father got into the cooking sherry again! He’s locked in his study gibbering like a baboon! Bring me a butterfly net and some spring training box scores!” Read more on George Will: Income Inequality Is Good So Poors Should Shut Up…
  i've got a bridge to the future to sell you

Donald Trump Has Campaign Fever And You’ll Never Guess The Prescription

This time he means it!
Who’s the soulless puffy prick who will primary those other dicks in 2016? Trump! You’re damn right. (But probably not.) According to Donald Trump, Donald Trump is looking to get back in the presidential campaign game. And this time he’s totally, 100%, cross-his-heart-hope-to-die-but-still-have-his-epidermis-cryogenically-frozen serious about it. Read more on Donald Trump Has Campaign Fever And You’ll Never Guess The Prescription…
  If you have such a crush on Peggy Noonan call her on the phone

August Washington Post Columnist Would Like A Little F*cking Decorum Please

Your Wonkette was just looking at the Facebook, like we do, and we saw an article our friend had posted, written by some dork named Michael R. Strain, who is a “resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute.” Already, we knew we were in for excessive vapidity, masquerading as Important Letters. In said article Michael explains that, due to his fine stature and many accomplishments, he prefers to be called “Mr. Strain.” Therefore, for the duration of this post, we will be calling him “Slugger.” Anyway, Slugger begins his little diatribe telling the story of how one time he was a little Catholic schoolboy, and the archbishop came to visit and said “hey, call me Archbishop Jim,” and that was completely unacceptable to Young Slugger, because his mom said you can’t call people by their first names, even if they ask: Read more on August Washington Post Columnist Would Like A Little F*cking Decorum Please…
  Here have some news n stuff

Congress Sort Of Has A Deal To Keep Government Open Maybe

He'll take the help, but it's gonna hurt
With the clock ticking toward Thursday, when our U.S. of America government will be officially out of pocket change and out of business, the do-nothing layabouts in Congress have maybe cobbled together a deal to avoid that. Hooray, end-of-year bonuses for all of you, for doing such a good job at doing your jobs! Especially you, Speaker John Boehner, for agreeing to suck it up and beg the Democrats to take pity on you by giving you a hand. Read more on Congress Sort Of Has A Deal To Keep Government Open Maybe…
  Can’t we put this behind us already?

Jackie Is Lying, So We Can All Stop Talking About Rape Now

Nothing to see here, move along
Image via Wikimedia Commons. Here is everything you need to know about rape: it all comes down to a woman named “Jackie.” Jackie may or may not be lying about being gang-raped at a fraternity at the University of Virginia. But if she is — and plenty of journalists are determined to prove that’s the case — then there’s no reason for us to talk about rape, or the rape problem at UVA, which is under federal investigation, or the rape problem on college campuses, or the rape problem in America. Because if Jackie is lying, none of that matters. Read more on Jackie Is Lying, So We Can All Stop Talking About Rape Now…
  roger ailes on line two

GOP Lady Who Called Obama Daughters Skanks Has Always Had Strong Opinions That Suck

Damn right we're going to wring every page view out of this low-hanging fruit we can.
Man did we have a good laugh the other day at the sordid tale of Elizabeth Lauten, the shitwitted GOP staffer and future crazy cat lady who thought it was a good idea to publicly slut-shame President Obama’s daughters for being teenagers and then needed God and her mommy and daddy to convince her that eh, maybe she should not have done that. Lauten lost her job as a result of her indiscretion and the story should have died right there. We had not counted on the Washington Post deciding to wring every last drop they could out of the smoking ruins of Lauten’s career by assigning a foreign-affairs reporter to drop that important story about international relations and comb through the twit’s Internet history to find some more of her embarrassing maunderings. Read more on GOP Lady Who Called Obama Daughters Skanks Has Always Had Strong Opinions That Suck…
  Here have some news n stuff

Surprise! Real Sex Ed Really Works. No, Really.

That's one way to teach it
We all know that abstinence-only education and purity balls, where you pledge to save yourself for Daddy and Jesus, do not actually prevent kids from doing sex to each other. (We do all know that, right?) But there’s a new study that suggests real sex ed actually does the very thing that fake sex ed pretends to do: keeps kids from doing sex. Read more on Surprise! Real Sex Ed Really Works. No, Really….
  Darrell Issa Sucks

More Proof That IRSgate Was F***ing Stupid

It’s Throwback Thursday Friday here at Wonkette, so let’s check in on one of our favorite scandal-not-scandals of last year, IRSgate. In the latest news, it turns out that the special inspector guy in charge of investigating the IRS, the guy whose report started this whole media circus, is a TOTAL PARTISAN HACK WHAT SUCKS AT HIS JERB: Read more on More Proof That IRSgate Was F***ing Stupid…