Tag Archives: washington post

  Or maybe it happened like this

Baltimore PD: Maybe Freddie Gray Broke His Own Spine. Yeah, That’s The Ticket

Nothing suspicious about this at all
The “maybe it happened like this!” theories to explain the unsolved mystery of how Freddie Gray died from severe spinal injuries after Baltimore police arrested him — besides that police severed his spine, because that could not possibly be the explanation — continue. Conservatives were gleefully sure that his fatal injuries “may have possibly” resulted from a surgery the week before, except there was no surgery. And also, it strains credulity to think that if he had just had surgery on his spine, he’d be up and about the next week, criminally blacking all over the place and trying to outrun police — AGAIN! — because isn’t spinal surgery kind of a big deal? Dunno, we are not a doctor. Just seems unlikely. But since that impossibility doesn’t fly, how about this one, from Baltimore radio talk show host Tom Marr? Read more on Baltimore PD: Maybe Freddie Gray Broke His Own Spine. Yeah, That’s The Ticket…
  twits gotta twit

George Will: Income Inequality Is Good So Poors Should Shut Up

Suck it, people concerned that widening income inequality could lead to economic disruptions and social upheaval!
A cry rang throughout the home of bowtied wax statue George Will, and that cry was “Mother! Father got into the cooking sherry again! He’s locked in his study gibbering like a baboon! Bring me a butterfly net and some spring training box scores!” Read more on George Will: Income Inequality Is Good So Poors Should Shut Up…
  i've got a bridge to the future to sell you

Donald Trump Has Campaign Fever And You’ll Never Guess The Prescription

This time he means it!
Who’s the soulless puffy prick who will primary those other dicks in 2016? Trump! You’re damn right. (But probably not.) According to Donald Trump, Donald Trump is looking to get back in the presidential campaign game. And this time he’s totally, 100%, cross-his-heart-hope-to-die-but-still-have-his-epidermis-cryogenically-frozen serious about it. Read more on Donald Trump Has Campaign Fever And You’ll Never Guess The Prescription…
  If you have such a crush on Peggy Noonan call her on the phone

August Washington Post Columnist Would Like A Little F*cking Decorum Please

Your Wonkette was just looking at the Facebook, like we do, and we saw an article our friend had posted, written by some dork named Michael R. Strain, who is a “resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute.” Already, we knew we were in for excessive vapidity, masquerading as Important Letters. In said article Michael explains that, due to his fine stature and many accomplishments, he prefers to be called “Mr. Strain.” Therefore, for the duration of this post, we will be calling him “Slugger.” Anyway, Slugger begins his little diatribe telling the story of how one time he was a little Catholic schoolboy, and the archbishop came to visit and said “hey, call me Archbishop Jim,” and that was completely unacceptable to Young Slugger, because his mom said you can’t call people by their first names, even if they ask: Read more on August Washington Post Columnist Would Like A Little F*cking Decorum Please…
  Here have some news n stuff

Congress Sort Of Has A Deal To Keep Government Open Maybe

He'll take the help, but it's gonna hurt
With the clock ticking toward Thursday, when our U.S. of America government will be officially out of pocket change and out of business, the do-nothing layabouts in Congress have maybe cobbled together a deal to avoid that. Hooray, end-of-year bonuses for all of you, for doing such a good job at doing your jobs! Especially you, Speaker John Boehner, for agreeing to suck it up and beg the Democrats to take pity on you by giving you a hand. Read more on Congress Sort Of Has A Deal To Keep Government Open Maybe…
  Can’t we put this behind us already?

Jackie Is Lying, So We Can All Stop Talking About Rape Now

Nothing to see here, move along
Image via Wikimedia Commons. Here is everything you need to know about rape: it all comes down to a woman named “Jackie.” Jackie may or may not be lying about being gang-raped at a fraternity at the University of Virginia. But if she is — and plenty of journalists are determined to prove that’s the case — then there’s no reason for us to talk about rape, or the rape problem at UVA, which is under federal investigation, or the rape problem on college campuses, or the rape problem in America. Because if Jackie is lying, none of that matters. Read more on Jackie Is Lying, So We Can All Stop Talking About Rape Now…
  roger ailes on line two

GOP Lady Who Called Obama Daughters Skanks Has Always Had Strong Opinions That Suck

Damn right we're going to wring every page view out of this low-hanging fruit we can.
Man did we have a good laugh the other day at the sordid tale of Elizabeth Lauten, the shitwitted GOP staffer and future crazy cat lady who thought it was a good idea to publicly slut-shame President Obama’s daughters for being teenagers and then needed God and her mommy and daddy to convince her that eh, maybe she should not have done that. Lauten lost her job as a result of her indiscretion and the story should have died right there. We had not counted on the Washington Post deciding to wring every last drop they could out of the smoking ruins of Lauten’s career by assigning a foreign-affairs reporter to drop that important story about international relations and comb through the twit’s Internet history to find some more of her embarrassing maunderings. Read more on GOP Lady Who Called Obama Daughters Skanks Has Always Had Strong Opinions That Suck…
  Here have some news n stuff

Surprise! Real Sex Ed Really Works. No, Really.

That's one way to teach it
We all know that abstinence-only education and purity balls, where you pledge to save yourself for Daddy and Jesus, do not actually prevent kids from doing sex to each other. (We do all know that, right?) But there’s a new study that suggests real sex ed actually does the very thing that fake sex ed pretends to do: keeps kids from doing sex. Read more on Surprise! Real Sex Ed Really Works. No, Really….
  Darrell Issa Sucks

More Proof That IRSgate Was F***ing Stupid

It’s Throwback Thursday Friday here at Wonkette, so let’s check in on one of our favorite scandal-not-scandals of last year, IRSgate. In the latest news, it turns out that the special inspector guy in charge of investigating the IRS, the guy whose report started this whole media circus, is a TOTAL PARTISAN HACK WHAT SUCKS AT HIS JERB: Read more on More Proof That IRSgate Was F***ing Stupid…
  Your morning cup of wut?

‘Convert Them Or Kill Them,’ Said Jesus And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Actual photo from Sermon on the Mount
We have good news (weed and boobs) and bad news (Dana Milbank). Which do you want first? Too bad, here’s what you’re getting. Now that Duck Dynasty Derphead Phil Robertson is tourin’ the teevee to sell his “book,” we’ll probably be suffering through many of his deep thoughts. Like what Jesus would say about fightin’ terra-rists: Read more on ‘Convert Them Or Kill Them,’ Said Jesus And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Fox Solves All Your Selfie Problems, Alaska Is REALLY Weird, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Just look in the mirror
It’s hump day. So, uh, hump something? While some people are upset about nekkid self-portraits (what the kids these days who should get off our lawn call “selfies”) floating around the interwebs without their consent, Fox News has the perfect solution, as usual. Tell us what it is, Fox & Friends host Steve Doocy (he’s the blond one, we think): Read more on Fox Solves All Your Selfie Problems, Alaska Is REALLY Weird, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  Beat the press

Who Won Battleground Ferguson: Po-Po Or Journos? The Answer Will Amaze You!

gassy
  Still Life With Al Jazeera and Teargas. Image from video by KSDK As the teargas wafts away from the streets of Ferguson, Missouri, and the some of the members of the media covering the Mike Brown protests start to drift away to cover more pressing stories like the VMAs, let’s take a look back to see who came out ahead in the Battle to Cover Ferguson: the po-po or the journos. Read more on Who Won Battleground Ferguson: Po-Po Or Journos? The Answer Will Amaze You!…
  Here To Preserve Disorder

Ferguson Goes Nuts Again, It’s All Jake Tapper’s Fault

Probably a very good reason for all of this
If you were watching cable teevee Monday night around 11 ET, you got to see a completely baffling sight. After several hours of peaceful protests, police suddenly took up defensive positions — “a wall of law enforcement officers 60 wide and five deep,” as NBC News put it — that seemed to come virtually out of nowhere. On CNN, Jake Tapper expressed the basic what-the-fuckness of the situation as well as anyone: Read more on Ferguson Goes Nuts Again, It’s All Jake Tapper’s Fault…
  #MadAboutAThing

Very Serious WaPo Journalist Quite Disappointed Obama Hasn’t Fixed Racism Yet

We all remember when silly naive Barack Obama ran for president and announced his plan to single-handedly end racism forever. Oh, you don’t remember that? Funny, that’s how Very Serious Washington Post journalist Chris Cillizza, aka The Fix, remembers it. Read more on Very Serious WaPo Journalist Quite Disappointed Obama Hasn’t Fixed Racism Yet…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Tells You The Truth So You Can Tell The Truth Back To Sarah

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
This is the third in a series of posts made by possible by a generous contribution from The Fartknocker Institute for Sarah Palin Studies. The Sarah Palin Channel continues to take the conservative derp-o-sphere by storm, with her recent jeremiad against Elizabeth Warren settling the minimum wage debate once and for all. With that taken care of, Palin turned her attention to the Kenyan usurper Barack Obama’s obvious impeachable offenses, what with the czars and the decrees and the lawlessness. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Tells You The Truth So You Can Tell The Truth Back To Sarah…
  stfu joe scarborough

WaPo Reporter Arrested In Ferguson Invites Joe Scarborough To Drink A Starbucks Cup Of STFU

Last night, Ferguson, Missouri, police arrested Wesley Lowery of the Washington Post and Ryan J. Reilly of HuffPo for assaulting a McDonald’s by charging their equipment there. Joe Scarborough, the former Republican congressman who leads off the day at liberal MSNBC by spewing balls-out sexist shit at his coanchor and laughing at equal pay, had some thoughts about that, like: why would a reporter try to cover something a police said he couldn’t cover? That’s just rude! (Police also tear-gassed a crew from Al Jazeera and then dismantled their equipment. Video here.) Joe Scarborough would like journalists to stop trying to get on TV and show the police some respect! Read more on WaPo Reporter Arrested In Ferguson Invites Joe Scarborough To Drink A Starbucks Cup Of STFU…
  dangers in the night

Ferguson PD Embraces Equality by Arresting Reporters of All Races

bright lights
On Wednesday night, the police in Ferguson, Missouri, wanted everyone to clear out of the local McDonald’s, which had turned into a makeshift media center with reporters charging their phones and using the wifi to file stories about the protests only a few blocks away. When officers ordered all the patrons to leave, Washington Post reporter Wesley Lowery made two fateful missteps: he did not snap to and flee immediately and furthermore would not stop running his pesky camera. Read more on Ferguson PD Embraces Equality by Arresting Reporters of All Races…
  Don't Be Tardy for the Party!

WaPo’s Jennifer Rubin Examines President’s Lateness, Heroically Refrains From Concluding ‘Because He Is Black’

Jennifer Rubin has used her prime journalistic real estate at the Washington Post to examine the top crisis US America faces today: the president is, to all his events, an average of 11 minutes late. Perhaps you too have noticed that one “President” Obama is late a lot. Did you know it is because he is passive-aggressive, thinks he is better than us, disdains candor and openness, has an office staffed with flunkies, cronies, and Valerie Jarrett, is the king, is bad at giving speeches, and is angry, defensive, evasive, and rude? Well now you do, because Jennifer Rubin says so. Read more on WaPo’s Jennifer Rubin Examines President’s Lateness, Heroically Refrains From Concluding ‘Because He Is Black’…
  Up and Down the Memory Hole

Let’s Play This Fun New Jennifer Rubin Game, ‘Game Of Lies’!

Jennifer Rubin, she’s this lady. Writes Mitt Romney fanfic for the Washington Post. Well, she did, anyway. Now she’s been reduced to a cutesy game where she steals the old Newsweek “Conventional Wisdom Watch” feature, with a series of “ups” and “downs,” except for how they’re all Jennifer Rubin reporting from her crotch. For instance, she is like “Up: My boner for Rick Perry,” and “Up: Unemployment rate (to 6.2 percent),” which, wow, that is some fucking balls. Read more on Let’s Play This Fun New Jennifer Rubin Game, ‘Game Of Lies’!…