It must be Sweeps Week in another version of reality, as Leon Wieseltier, New Republic’s ranking number two funny old man with funny old racist ideas, guest stars on All About Steve, a teevee show, to play the head of the FLO, the Freudian Liberation Organization. [DCist] MORE »

• There will be no outdoor sleepovers the night before Inauguration, which is sexist against hobos. [DCist]
• D.C. will get a commemorative quarter, just like a real state! The coins will feature Duke Ellington, who, fun fact!, was born in North Carolina. Oh, the city still won’t have a senator or a (real) congressperson. [Washington Post]
• In news that will come as a surprise to no one, commuting to D.C. is officially the worst thing in America. [DC Examiner]
• Some hunters shot the shattered the glass window of a daycare, which they apparently mistook for a deer. [WTOP]
• Fancy schoolchildren at Malia and Sasha’s new Sidwell Friends School are teasing other fancy school children. [Gawker]

• SO CLUTCH: Oh you must, Washington D.C., you must let everyone drink until 5 a.m. on Inauguration Day, at your bars. Also: please find a way to sell alcohol at your alcohol stores after 10 p.m. (This is the terrible town we live in, America.) [Shenanigans]

The DC Metro ran this ad on a bobbleheaded Pope riding the Metro to a big crazy Papal Mass at Nationals Stadium, and the Washington Archdiocese was like, Hey that is not funny, you are talking about the leader of our religion there, and he would never advise riding the DC Metro, furthermore he is not wearing the right Pope-hat. MORE »

It is raining now because the Gods want the hippies to have mud slides. An on-the-ground informant has this update: “Note the mass of police closing in on the group, which has since disbanded… The building in the background is the headquarters of Winston and Strawn. What they did to deserve a protest is beyond me.”

OBAMA WINS BIG IN DC: Exit polls project a 3:1 win over Hillary Clinton.

Despite the plethora of Hill staffers, lobbyists, cynics, politicians and professional partiers in this town, Washington D.C. did not even crack the top ten in Men’s Health magazine’s list of the drunkest cities (that honor went to Denver). Of course, the study also looked at alcohol-related deaths before they looked at DUIs, so that might be part of it, but, who cares! A toast to being less drunk than 11 other cities! [Men's Health]

* “If you want to bang this girl, your dedication to world peace won’t be enough.” [Roissy In DC]
* “Buffalo mozzarella porcupine at Corduroy.” [Metrocurean]
* “Will Joyce Carol Oats and Terry Pratchett be rolling at the Library of Congress-sponsored rave tonight? Someone warn Holly Black to stay off the brown acid, one of the brains behind the Spiderwick Chronicles doesn’t need yet more trippy imagery in her head.” [Metroblogging DC]
* “Did they really need to print Dave Mustaine saying ‘I’m not a pussy’?” [why.i.hate.dc]
* “It’s all way more confusing than it needs to be.” [DCist]

Considering that party promotion is already one of the most annoying professions in the world, it takes more than a little something extra to get noticed. It takes levels of un-self-conscious douchery that most people can’t even dream of. Back in June a friend forwarded me an email from a a dude she’d never heard of before inviting her to party that sounded like the worst thing either of us had ever heard of.

Kick off the 1st Official Night of Summer 2007! Mojito’s & Ketel One Citroen Specials all night! Music by DJ Alex Funk playing 80’s + Current Hits. No Cover Charge - Resort Attire = Seersucker, Topsiders, Pearls, Madras, Popped Collars, Red Pants and Sundresses.

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Convention-goers are too stupid to walk to Chinatown (alternatively they are smart enough to avoid Chinatown) so we need to build them hotels and restaurants and stores across the street from their terrible convention center. Also our cabs keep ripping them off due to our insane zone system designed to ensure that tourists weren’t ripped off. [WP]

Ok it’s totally old at this point but we totally 100% support the mission of DIEYUPPIEKICKBALL.com. [DIEYUPPIEKICKBALL.com]