wars

Are you done yet? Did you read all eight gazillion pages of the Ryan Budget, or did you stop after the first few lines and pleasure yourself thinking about his dreamy biceps? Well, we didn’t read it all either because we were distracted by whiskey. And his biceps. But luckily other people read it and […]

Oh this is cute! Barack Obama got together with his friends David Cameron and Nicolas Sarkozy at the war treehouse, pulled out some construction paper, and wrote an op-ed together in blood-colored crayon. so long as Qaddafi is in power, NATO must maintain its operations so that civilians remain protected and the pressure on the […]

Why are our war planes shootin’ up Libya right now? Just because we hadn’t done it in a while? Who knows! Does the U.S. want Gaddafi out of power? Russia and China seem to think so. Gaddafi’s compound was attacked by the U.S.’s super ally team. And Britain’s defense secretary, Liam Fox, said that killing […]

If Iraq really does wind all the way down, America will only have one war. What will we do with ourselves?! No worries. Defying North Korean threats of violent retaliation and “brutal consequences beyond imagination,” South Korea on Monday staged live-fire artillery drills on an island shelled last month by the North. Retro! [NYT]

RNC chairman Michael Steele is either dumb or really likes making his party angry and/or sigh, because yesterday he was caught on video in a circus tent saying that the Afghanistan war is bad and didn’t need to be fought. (And Obama is a bad president for inventing this war.) Steele forgot that Republicans love […]

Hey, it looks like Obama and the Democratic Congress are finally going to get around to repealing don’t ask, don’t tell, just weeks before the midterm election returns a 100 percent Republican Congress that would never ever agree to such a thing. What convoluted legislative shenanigans have these man-loving and/or sapphic warmongers come up with […]

America is very serious capital S serious about the Pakistanis doing away with all of Pakistan’s Taliban. [New York Times] Obama’s new thing is going to be unemployment. This, in fact, is many people’s new thing. [Washington Post] It’s looking like an American, Chicago born was instrumental in the Mumbai hotel bombings last year. A […]

WE SHALL CALL IT THE 'DEATH TAX'  3:26 pm December 4, 2009

by Jim Newell

BUT AREN’T THESE WARS FINANCED BY JESUS? Interesting that it only took certain members of our Congress eight years of multiple lost wars to even consider proposing some sort of personal financial incentive to finish them off: “History shows that wars financed heavily by higher taxes, such as the Korean War and the first Gulf […]

The most shocking news story of the day, no? Walnuts says, “The way that you win wars is to break the enemy’s will, not to announce dates that you are leaving.” VICTORY! This article also notes, terrifyingly, that Walnuts — who’s never seen a war worth ending — “will be the leading Republican voice on […]

ENDLESS WAR  3:24 pm November 30, 2009

by Jim Newell

DOVEY MCDOVEYTON FINALLY MAKES HIS WAR DECISION: And for the first time in the history of the United States, a president has decided to continue war-making: “WASHINGTON — President Obama has issued his order to send more troops to Afghanistan, communicating his decision to military leaders late Sunday afternoon during a meeting in the Oval […]

WHAT UP Meg McCabe? It’s gonna be like this, is it? “After my recent appearance on Jay Leno, one Web site posted a comment from the editor saying, mockingly, they have a ‘NEW ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY for comments of a certain strain about young Meg’s physical appearance. She is an impressionable young brilliant Republican strategist!’ […]

THE BEST AND THE BRIGHTEST  10:03 am July 6, 2009

by Sara K. Smith

ROBERT McNAMARA IS DEAD: Jesus, anybody else feel like dying in the next week or two? Because now is clearly the time to do it! Robert McNamara prosecuted America’s hopeless adventure in Vietnam on behalf of Presidents Kennedy and Johnson; he also did many other things, which nobody remembers on account of the war. [Washington […]

LOOK EAST  9:47 pm June 24, 2009

Who Lost The Goddamn Wars?

by Jim Newell

Let’s hope our President finds the wars soon, and that the wars are safe. [NYT]

As Mark Penn told us all during the Democratic primaries, it is an established socio-political fact that black people do not like brown people and vice-versa, because of Microtrends, and this is why Barack Obama cannot win 70% of the Hispanic vote. This scientific insight about wacky minorities is the only possible explanation for why […]

The McCain people are pretty hopped up on steroids today and are issuing some tuff talk after this morning’s delightful housing kerfuffle. They’re putting the finishing touches on an ad about Obama’s “slum landlord” friend Tony Rezko, a topic they claim to have avoided before today, when Obama supposedly “opened the door” to this sort […]