Tag: war

Thanks General Washington! Now we can mention your slaves again!

Just Gonna Do Some Light War To Syria, That Should Fix It

After announcing that our War on Terror has gone so well in Afghanistan, we're going to change our return flight and stay just a little bit longer, the White House announced Friday we're sending Special Operations troops to sprinkle democracy in Syria...
Fuck off.

Hey Wolf Blitzer, Why You Gotta Be So Mean To Poor Lincoln Chafee?

Let's get a couple things out of the way right now. Lincoln Chafee (D-Used To Be R, Then I) is never going to be president -- of America, of Rhode Island, or of the Kiwanis Club. (OK, maybe the Kiwanis Club.)...
Listen to your science fiction president, America

No F*cking War With Iran, Says Everyone Including Morgan Freeman And Your Mom

Here is a fun little ad about how to not do war with Iran. We really like it! It features Morgan Freeman, Jack Black, Queen Noor, a lady from that Oranges In Prison show, and the guy from that one...
Nope.

Lindsey Graham Promises To Be Butchest, Scariest President EVER!

Dignified and genteel Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Other Southern White Guys) announced today that he will be seeking to lose the presidential election to Hillary Clinton, and he has two messages for US Americans: 1. He is the toughest, most...

House Republicans Find Billions Of Dollars Under Couch Cushions, Will Spend It On War

You know how we do not have any money? And we are drowning in debt? And we should abolish the IRS and the Department of Education and repeal all healthcare and privatize Social Security and "fix Medicaid" by killing...
Surely this man is not crazy.

Alan Keyes’ Army Of One Will Declare WAR On Gay-Marrying Supreme Court, Time To Panic!

Poor Alan Keyes. He just cannot get over things. He knows his arch-nemesis Barack Obama (who probably would be hard-pressed to remember Keyes' name) is out there, making sweet love to our enemies in Iran, so that they may...

The Weekend Stock Photo Report Doesn’t Love America

In this installment of The Weekend Stock Photo Report with Weekend S. Photo, Rudy Giuliani is an asshole even by his standards, Bill O'Reilly is full of shit even by his standards, and Oklahoma is ignorant etc. Missed last week's...

The Weekend Stock Photo Report Lies To Your Face And You Love It

In this installment of The Weekend Stock Photo Report, Brian Williams gets a time-out for fibbing, Congress forms a circular firing squad over DHS funding, and Alabama Judge Roy Moore don't cotton to no sodomites. Missed last week's Report? Well...

Obama To Ask Republicans’ Permission To Bomb Ay-rabs, They Will Surely Love Him Now

Perhaps you recall that for the last year or so, ever since those child-murdering dickbags who go by the name the Islamic State started making a nuisance of themselves in the Middle East — and we started bombing them,...
I see dead people.

Todd Starnes Has Some Thoughts On American Jesus We Mean American Sniper

Here's a true story about Todd Starnes. Recently, I was at a party and mentioned that I was writing about Todd Starnes. The person I was talking to didn't quite know who Todd Starnes was until I said, "People make...
Why is Kelsey Grammar even there?

Bill O’Reilly Recruiting Mercenaries To Win The War On Terror, Enlist Now!

Splotchy tomato-cheeked bully Bill O'Reilly used his television program Monday night to propose his swell idea to Win The War On Terror: recruit and train 25,000 mercenaries to attack and defeat the forces of the Islamic State, also known as...
Just to be clear: This is sarcasm. Really!

U.S. (And Coalition, Sure) Bombs ISIS In Syria, Yay!

Excellent news, everybody! We're at war again! Ha-ha, we are joking -- we are always at war, but we are also never "really" at war! We are at Kinetic Counter-Terrorism Operation again, with shiny new airstrikes on ISIS and...

Jon Stewart Literally Garrotes Republicans Who’ll Assist Any Nation But Ours (Video)

Jon Stewart called out Republicans' schizoid thinking on priorities Thursday, skewering their relentless eagerness to fund military adventures anywhere in the world while refusing to "waste" any funds on the American people. When it comes to pouring money into...

Bill Kristol Has A Fantastic New Never-Been-Tried-Before Idea: Even More War!

There is no problem that cannot be solved by more war. Sure, that may sound kind of dumb to you, but you are not Bill Kristol, the spittle-filled sack of stupid who has never been right about a thing...

Armchair Warrior Glenn Beck Bravely Stands Up Against America’s Real Enemy, A Critic Who Didn’t Like A Movie

Yesterday scabrous poop demon Glenn Beck took a break from cruising the streets of Philadelphia asking women to jerk him off with Swiss cheese to attack the greatest threat to freedom and our American way of life since the Hessians...

New York City, We Will Be Marching On Your ‘Drinking Liberally’ Tonight

Ok, fellas, here is what we're gonna do. The Drinking Liberally squadron will be massing in Hell's Kitchen tonight, Thursday, at 7:30 p.m. They'll be fortifying their supply lines at Rudy's on 9th Avenue between 44th and 45th. That's...