Tag: war

The Weekend Stock Photo Report Doesn’t Love America

In this installment of The Weekend Stock Photo Report with Weekend S. Photo, Rudy Giuliani is an asshole even by his standards, Bill O'Reilly is full of shit even by his standards, and Oklahoma is ignorant etc. Missed last week's...

The Weekend Stock Photo Report Lies To Your Face And You Love It

In this installment of The Weekend Stock Photo Report, Brian Williams gets a time-out for fibbing, Congress forms a circular firing squad over DHS funding, and Alabama Judge Roy Moore don't cotton to no sodomites. Missed last week's Report? Well...

Obama To Ask Republicans’ Permission To Bomb Ay-rabs, They Will Surely Love Him Now

Perhaps you recall that for the last year or so, ever since those child-murdering dickbags who go by the name the Islamic State started making a nuisance of themselves in the Middle East — and we started bombing them,...
I see dead people.

Todd Starnes Has Some Thoughts On American Jesus We Mean American Sniper

Here's a true story about Todd Starnes. Recently, I was at a party and mentioned that I was writing about Todd Starnes. The person I was talking to didn't quite know who Todd Starnes was until I said, "People make...
Why is Kelsey Grammar even there?

Bill O’Reilly Recruiting Mercenaries To Win The War On Terror, Enlist Now!

Splotchy tomato-cheeked bully Bill O'Reilly used his television program Monday night to propose his swell idea to Win The War On Terror: recruit and train 25,000 mercenaries to attack and defeat the forces of the Islamic State, also known as...
Just to be clear: This is sarcasm. Really!

U.S. (And Coalition, Sure) Bombs ISIS In Syria, Yay!

Excellent news, everybody! We're at war again! Ha-ha, we are joking -- we are always at war, but we are also never "really" at war! We are at Kinetic Counter-Terrorism Operation again, with shiny new airstrikes on ISIS and...

Jon Stewart Literally Garrotes Republicans Who’ll Assist Any Nation But Ours (Video)

Jon Stewart called out Republicans' schizoid thinking on priorities Thursday, skewering their relentless eagerness to fund military adventures anywhere in the world while refusing to "waste" any funds on the American people. When it comes to pouring money into...

Bill Kristol Has A Fantastic New Never-Been-Tried-Before Idea: Even More War!

There is no problem that cannot be solved by more war. Sure, that may sound kind of dumb to you, but you are not Bill Kristol, the spittle-filled sack of stupid who has never been right about a thing...

Armchair Warrior Glenn Beck Bravely Stands Up Against America’s Real Enemy, A Critic Who Didn’t Like A Movie

Yesterday scabrous poop demon Glenn Beck took a break from cruising the streets of Philadelphia asking women to jerk him off with Swiss cheese to attack the greatest threat to freedom and our American way of life since the Hessians...

New York City, We Will Be Marching On Your ‘Drinking Liberally’ Tonight

Ok, fellas, here is what we're gonna do. The Drinking Liberally squadron will be massing in Hell's Kitchen tonight, Thursday, at 7:30 p.m. They'll be fortifying their supply lines at Rudy's on 9th Avenue between 44th and 45th. That's...

Glenn Beck Turns Hippie Peacenik, ‘Cause War Is A Progressive Trip, Man

Glenn Beck has decided that his favorite conservative anthem is now "War: What Is It Good For? (Absolutely Nothin')." You see, Glenn had a moment of revelation: This whole Syria thing, man, it's just about the oil, you know?...

Bill Kristol: Bomb Syria So We Can Bomb Iran So We Can ‘Constructively Criticize’ The President For Doing It All Wrong

Oh, hello, William Kristol, who never met a thing you weren't completely wrong about. Have you finished sobbing about your laughably recent discovery that Sarah Palin probably does not have a future in politics? Terrific, because we are just...

John McCain Might Need To Impeach Obama For Giving Him The War He Always Wanted

It must be so hard to be John McCain these days, which is excellent news for John McCain because everything is, that is the law. President "That One" is still running around being president, if you can believe it,...

Illinois Residents Can Sleep Safer Now That Police Have Tased, Beanbagged 95-Year-Old Veteran To Death

Did you feel as though an intangible but perceptible cloud of safety and serenity descended on your community sometime last week? Probably this is because you live in Park Forest, Illinois, where local police successfully tased and beanbagged a...

Mitt Romney Not Waiting Around All Day For You To Return His Call About Your Dead Son, Lady

Mitt Romney is a very busy man, you guys. He is busy now that he’s running for president, and he was busy back when he was a governor. So if your son dies and he gives you a call...

Romney Talks War Stuff Without Actually Promising More Wars, What A Wuss

Oh, boy, a Republican presidential candidate just went to give a "major foreign policy address" to a military academy, which as we all know means a whole lot of highly explosive murder-death, for freedom, right? Well, sorry carnage lovers,...