Tag: war

A One Hundred Percent Trumpless Appreciation Of Elie Wiesel, RIP

Because that Star of David bullshit can wait till tomorrow.
Serious Trump is Serious

If President Donald Trump Tortures You, That Means It’s Not Illegal

Donald Trump loves him some torture, so much. Whenever he can, he explains how he'd bring back waterboarding -- and more! -- and maybe also kill some terrorists' families, because you gotta be tough with these animals. In Thursday's debate,...
He's thinking of ideas right now.

New House Speaker Paul Ryan Has Some Ideas, You Guys!

Fresh-faced dumb baby House Speaker Paul Ryan woked up all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning! He did his P90X, said his affirmations into the mirror, and then tweeted out an idea he had been having, about how it would be...
You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is 'never get involved in a land war in Asia'

Lindsey Graham Got Confirmed Bachelor All Over The Undercard Debate, Buttercup

Lindsey Graham seems to have finally resigned himself to the cold hard reality that he has about as much chance of becoming the Republican nominee for president as he does of getting cast in Magic Mike III, so he...
He speaks the truth.

Remember, Liberals: Ted Cruz And Dead Breitbart Are The Reason For The Season

Hooray, that dumb holiday where we eat 300 pounds of food and say we're "thankful" for "things" is over, and now we can go back to doing hot, wet War On Christmassing to each other, like we liberals do....
I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.

Fine Here Is Your Bloody Kurt Vonnegut For Armistice Day 2015. Hi-Ho.

When Nov. 11 rolls around, this quote from Breakfast of Champions gets dragged out of storage and put on display for the occasion of Kurt Vonnegut's birthday and Armistice/Veterans Day. But that's what remembrance and ceremony are for,...
Thanks General Washington! Now we can mention your slaves again!

Just Gonna Do Some Light War To Syria, That Should Fix It

After announcing that our War on Terror has gone so well in Afghanistan, we're going to change our return flight and stay just a little bit longer, the White House announced Friday we're sending Special Operations troops to sprinkle democracy in Syria...
Fuck off.

Hey Wolf Blitzer, Why You Gotta Be So Mean To Poor Lincoln Chafee?

Let's get a couple things out of the way right now. Lincoln Chafee (D-Used To Be R, Then I) is never going to be president -- of America, of Rhode Island, or of the Kiwanis Club. (OK, maybe the Kiwanis Club.)...
Listen to your science fiction president, America

No F*cking War With Iran, Says Everyone Including Morgan Freeman And Your Mom

Here is a fun little ad about how to not do war with Iran. We really like it! It features Morgan Freeman, Jack Black, Queen Noor, a lady from that Oranges In Prison show, and the guy from that one...
Nope.

Lindsey Graham Promises To Be Butchest, Scariest President EVER!

Dignified and genteel Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Other Southern White Guys) announced today that he will be seeking to lose the presidential election to Hillary Clinton, and he has two messages for US Americans: 1. He is the toughest, most...

House Republicans Find Billions Of Dollars Under Couch Cushions, Will Spend It On War

You know how we do not have any money? And we are drowning in debt? And we should abolish the IRS and the Department of Education and repeal all healthcare and privatize Social Security and "fix Medicaid" by killing...
Surely this man is not crazy.

Alan Keyes’ Army Of One Will Declare WAR On Gay-Marrying Supreme Court, Time To Panic!

Poor Alan Keyes. He just cannot get over things. He knows his arch-nemesis Barack Obama (who probably would be hard-pressed to remember Keyes' name) is out there, making sweet love to our enemies in Iran, so that they may...

The Weekend Stock Photo Report Doesn’t Love America

In this installment of The Weekend Stock Photo Report with Weekend S. Photo, Rudy Giuliani is an asshole even by his standards, Bill O'Reilly is full of shit even by his standards, and Oklahoma is ignorant etc. Missed last week's...

The Weekend Stock Photo Report Lies To Your Face And You Love It

In this installment of The Weekend Stock Photo Report, Brian Williams gets a time-out for fibbing, Congress forms a circular firing squad over DHS funding, and Alabama Judge Roy Moore don't cotton to no sodomites. Missed last week's Report? Well...

Obama To Ask Republicans’ Permission To Bomb Ay-rabs, They Will Surely Love Him Now

Perhaps you recall that for the last year or so, ever since those child-murdering dickbags who go by the name the Islamic State started making a nuisance of themselves in the Middle East — and we started bombing them,...
I see dead people.

Todd Starnes Has Some Thoughts On American Jesus We Mean American Sniper

Here's a true story about Todd Starnes. Recently, I was at a party and mentioned that I was writing about Todd Starnes. The person I was talking to didn't quite know who Todd Starnes was until I said, "People make...