Tag Archives: war

  slate pitches

Catholic League’s Bill Donohue Explainers: Catholics Are Against Adoption Now

God bless Bill Donohue, always striding forth and grandly opening his warbly old yap and letting the most insanely bigotty shit spill forth. Remember that time he was on Scarborough Country, going on and on about Hollywood and “the Jews” and then got a helpful assist from copanelist Jennifer Giroux who said, “I’m sorry but we cannot go back and make it that the Hawaiians killed Christ.” Yeah, we do! So this time — you may have heard? — all the Mommy Blogs are warblogging with all the other Mommy Blogs, and Bill Donohue, head of the fringe rightwing group the Catholic League, twatted this: “Lesbian Dem Hilary Rosen tells Ann Romney she never worked a day in her life. Unlike Rosen, who had to adopt kids, Ann raised 5 of her own.” FUCK YOU, ADOPTIVE PARENTS! Bill Donohue has some thoughts on your abnormal life and ways! Read more on Catholic League’s Bill Donohue Explainers: Catholics Are Against Adoption Now…
  robert de niro must apologize for this

Rep. Walter Jones Is Sick Of Borrowing War Money From ‘Uncle Chang’

North Carolina Rep. Walter Jones, Ron Paul’s fellow anti-everything old crank who’s occasionally right, is sick of the Afghanistan war, like the vast majority of Americans and people everywhere. But did you even know, like Walter Jones knows, that some guy in China named “Uncle Chang” is paying for the whole thing? Read more on Rep. Walter Jones Is Sick Of Borrowing War Money From ‘Uncle Chang’…
  a nation's questions get answers

Reporters To Obama: War War War War War War Now War?

Reporters at today’s White House press conference opened their dialogue with the president on a familiar topic: War: When are we having it, and can we have it now. WAR. Also, why don’t you ever visit Israel you horrible anti-Semite? And what about war? Meanwhile, Fox News’ Ed Henry, who one time wrote the worst article in American history, wanted to know about war war war war war… perhaps you understand how the opening of this press conference went, yes? Well Obama simply “pivoted” to calling Mitt Romney a loser in response, so everything worked out. Read more on Reporters To Obama: War War War War War War Now War?…
  sure why not

U.S. Marines In Afghanistan Pose Proudly With Nazi Flag

Pissing on the corpses of your victims is so last year! These days, hawt Marines sent to Afghanistan to kill random peasants and/or kill each other have a new prop to show how Xtreme they can get! It’s the Nazi flag used by the Nazis who had the mission of “exterminating the Jewish race.” Eh, Jews/Muslims, same dif? Read more on U.S. Marines In Afghanistan Pose Proudly With Nazi Flag…
  sweets and flowers

U.S. Soldiers Changing Hearts & Minds By Urinating On Dead Muslims

Everybody supporting the troops a lot? Here they are “finishing the job,” with the primary job being “killing Muslims everywhere” and the finish being “ritually urinating on the bloodied bodies.” Afghanistan, the war that keeps on giving! Read more on U.S. Soldiers Changing Hearts & Minds By Urinating On Dead Muslims…
  war all the time

Obama Starting New War In … Uganda! Sure, Uganda Sounds Good

Is the War of Libya over? Who knows. How about the War In Iraq? Kind of dull these days, we guess. War against Afghanistan? Very expensive and busy, as always, but it’s mostly boring Robot Raptors laser-blasting poor families in mud huts. And then we (ha ha, “we”) have soldiers and troops and special forces and androids in another 117 countries around the world. A hundred and seventeen! Who knew we even had so many countries! But that’s the Obama Administration for you! (The Bush Administration had military forces in 75 countries. So, Obama is better, we guess, at having American military operatives destabilizing the world, constantly.) Anyway, it’s time for a war in a different kind of place. So much desert, right? Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, Pakistan, Somalia, Yemen …. just one arid-ass place after another. You always need to have like two chapsticks. How about a jungle, for a change? That’s different! Great, then Uganda it is. Send the “military advisers,” haw haw. Read more on Obama Starting New War In … Uganda! Sure, Uganda Sounds Good…
  missed economic opportunities

McCain and Graham Pout U.S. Didn’t Get to Drop Enough Bombs on Libya

Aging lesbian power couple John McCain and Lindsey Graham are excited to hear about what appears to be the final collapse of the Qaddafi regime in Libya, although Sartorial Satan is still in hiding and Tripoli is not yet under full rebel control. Team McHamBiscuits nonetheless have an important nonsense neoconservative reflection on the whole saga: “we regret that this success was so long in coming due to the failure of the United States to employ the full weight of our airpower.” So sorry! to Libya, that the U.S. was not more involved in your conflict. U.S. military intervention in foreign conflicts is historically a top choice for fast conflict resolution, so really just a huge apology if Libya feels it missed out on that. Can John McCain still get some of Libya’s money, though? Read more on McCain and Graham Pout U.S. Didn’t Get to Drop Enough Bombs on Libya…
  arbour day funeral

Liberal-Obama Climate Change Now Killing All White House Trees

Time and again since Barack Obama took office, “severe weather” has been blamed for the destruction of many beautiful old trees all around the White House grounds. Why does this socialist Muslim president hate our nation’s trees so much? As an example of why magazines should not have websites full of cutesy bullshit blog posts, Atlantic Monthly has this web thing jokingly blaming Barack Obama for knocking down a bunch of old elms and such, on the White House grounds, because of all the constant insane weather that has gotten much worse, nationwide and worldwide, since Obama took office back in January of 2009. Read more on Liberal-Obama Climate Change Now Killing All White House Trees…
  america's oldest pundits

Longtime U.S. Policy Expert Fidel Castro Says U.S. About To Attack Iran

Now in his sixth decade as the world’s preeminent expert on U.S. foreign policy, retired Cuban president Fidel Castro writes in his newspaper column (in Cuba) that the Obama Administration is about to attack … Iran. One more war against one more Muslim country can’t make things worse, right? Right? Oh, Iran maybe has nuclear weapons of some sort? Well, whatever, so does Pakistan, and we don’t have any problem blasting apart suburban houses there, because of terrorism. Read more on Longtime U.S. Policy Expert Fidel Castro Says U.S. About To Attack Iran…
  liveblogging auditions

Liveblogging (?) Obama’s Latest Afghanistan Plan Speech Thing

Remember when Barack Obama was all, “And I will stop having all these wars everywhere”? No? Lately, people have been telling us that he never said anything of the sort, which is kind of funny, haha, because we all believed that was his intention, right? We don’t have five whole minutes to go read Wikipedia about it, but now that Obama has been president for almost twelve years three years, we do sort of remember that he just used to go around and smirk thoughtfully at Hillary and say “Iraq is a dumb war.” But he didn’t really say he would end wars, and really all wars are dumb, except for the defense contractors and the oil companies and hedge funds that get to go “privatize” everything when the war is over, in five-thousand years. WARBLOGGIN’ TIME. Read more on Liveblogging (?) Obama’s Latest Afghanistan Plan Speech Thing…
 

Obama’s Illegal Libyan War Costing $1.1 Billion, Biden Still After That $125 Tortoise Website

Libya, wherever that is, is costing America $1.1 Billion, just for the summer. At least $716 Million has already been thrown at Libya in the form of bombs. Somewhere, we’ve also got this figure that shows the Obama Administration has spent $2 Billion of the nearly $50 Billion budgeted and set aside to help people in foreclosure keep their homes — there’s enough to keep millions of people in their houses, in America, but for some mysterious reason the money does not get to the families, who continue to lose their homes. Oh well, at least these families are being bombed (yet) by U.S. robot drones and jet fighters, the way mommies and babies are being wholesale slaughtered in Yemen and Libya and Pakistan and Iraq and Afghanistan and … we think that’s all, right now? Except for Colombia and those such places. Wow. Read more on Obama’s Illegal Libyan War Costing $1.1 Billion, Biden Still After That $125 Tortoise Website…
  wake us up when he shows his magic underwear

Boring Mitt Romney Makes Dumb Yet Boring Mistake

First Read: Romney should be glad that Barbour made news yesterday, because his blunder — mistakenly saying that Obama has been engaged in “one of the biggest PEACETIME spending binges in American history” — was an unforced error for the one-term former governor. A Romney spokeswoman later told First Read, “He meant to say since World War II.” (Yet how does one misspeak in an unfiltered op-ed?) The good news here for Romney is that the slow start to the GOP race minimized any damage (what if this had occurred at a debate or when all the camps’ war rooms are fully operational?). The potential bad news: The slow start only will magnify future gaffes and blunders when the GOP campaign is fully underway. Read more on Boring Mitt Romney Makes Dumb Yet Boring Mistake…
  it's morning in america

Violent Egyptian Military Junta Interrogates Hosni Mubarak

Hey, Hosni Mubarak is “back” — from Comaland? — and has been detained for questioning by the new and terrible Egyptian military regime (which loves murdering demonstrators and throwing helpless bloggers in jail). And now Mubarak will be forced to answer allegations of widespread corruption, abuse of authority and the killing of protesters during his reign. (“So, Mubarak, what’s the best way to kill a protester?”) Mubarak’s sons have also been taken into custody, and are being held at Tora prison in Cairo — which is where lots of former Mubarak cronies are currently imprisoned. Anyway! One violent, corrupt military junta prosecutes another. That Democratic Revolution worked out. Nothing to see here. [McClatchy] Read more on Violent Egyptian Military Junta Interrogates Hosni Mubarak… Read more on Violent Egyptian Military Junta Interrogates Hosni Mubarak…
  oh well

America About As Awful As Ever

Here are just a few reasons why you should move to the Moon as soon as possible: Predictable asshole Scott Walker has threatened to fire public employees if his famous union-busting bill remains tied up in court. Meanwhile, Barack Obama is frantically Zeppelin-bombing brown people all over the world, for Freedom — and our trillion-dollar deficit woes will soon be over, once we stop wasting federal money on “food for children from low-income families.” Habeas corpus has now been suspended for almost ten years, so if you haven’t paid your taxes yet you will be raped by the CIA, in Lithuania. (We miss the “good old days,” when at least you could masturbate to the dirty, dirty lies about how great Our Nation is — since they usually came out of Dana Perino’s tender, post-911 mouth-hole on C-SPAN Live, so you could fap in real time.) Never Forget. Read more on America About As Awful As Ever…
  80 minutes that bored the world

Government Shutdown Briefly Averted: LIVEBLOG of the War of the Hoohaws

We’re drowning in contradictory Twitters and Blogs and Wire Bulletins, so why not just cook up a Friday Night Fights liveblog and see what happens during the super-sexy Washington wrestling match featuring Old Bigot Toady on one side and Ineffective Milquetoast Punching Bag on the other. Hooray for the World of Sport! UPDATE: Reid and Boehner say they’ve made a deal, but not really, as they won’t vote on the “details” until next week, when we will have another #shutdown fun-time. Read more on Government Shutdown Briefly Averted: LIVEBLOG of the War of the Hoohaws…
  a serious man

Donald Trump Has Team of Gumshoes In Hawaii Looking For Birth Certificate

Donald Trump has certainly given a very interesting interview to the Today show, considering he’s going to be our next president of the United States and all! “Let me just say something. There’s nobody more militaristic than me.” Cool! It’s about time we had a president with no experience in politics who is upfront about blowing up every other country on the planet. “Iran is going to take over Iraq, because we have de-neutered Iraq, you know that, in terms of their military.” De-neutered, huh? Is Iran going to get in a squirmish with them? The new military terms we hear these days are so strange and complex! Oh, also: Donald Trump says he has people in Hawaii working on finding Obama’s birth records. How big of him. He knows how to protect and defend this country. Read more on Donald Trump Has Team of Gumshoes In Hawaii Looking For Birth Certificate…
  warhawkery is genetic

Dreamer Lindsey Graham: ‘Free Speech Is a Great Idea, But We’re In a War’

Apparently last year’s Koran-burn-threatening pastor Terry Jones decided he wasn’t getting enough attention, so last week he actually did go through with burning itself. Normally a pastor saying hateful things who only has a half dozen or so followers would be ignored, but because we’ve been graced with a thing called the modern news media, this everglade cretin’s actions were once again dutifully and enthusiastically reported, and the news reached Afghanistan, where the awaiting hideous face of humanity used it as an opportunity to murder 22 people. For Lindsey Graham, the scent of burning paper and human flesh was as sweet as the smell of freshly made ham biscuits, a chance for the government to devour free speech in the name of war. Read more on Dreamer Lindsey Graham: ‘Free Speech Is a Great Idea, But We’re In a War’…
  the banality of hegemony

U.S. Watches Impatiently As Both Sides In Libya Civil War Are Pathetic At It

Sometime in the last century, countries that were at least somewhat capable of taking on the United States in war gave up trying. “We’re good. If those guys want to price everyone out of war, let them go ahead. We have other hobbies than making war,” they said. “Like backgammon, or funding terrorists.” So this is where we’re at today: America is forced to go around looking for wars, and the potential combatants are just pathetic. While we sit on our ships around Libya, pro-Gaddafi troops are “struggling to regroup around the oil port of Brega” and anti-Gaddafi forces are “retreating in the east.” Get it together, you guys! Do we have to do this whole war ourselves? Do you want us to just annex this country of total LOSERS? Read more on U.S. Watches Impatiently As Both Sides In Libya Civil War Are Pathetic At It…
  a little missiles a lot of hope

Get Ready: U.S. Expanding Its War In Libya

Even as President Obama on Monday described a narrower role for the United States in a NATO-led operation in Libya, the American military has been carrying out an expansive and increasingly potent air campaign to compel the Libyan Army to turn against Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi. Read more on Get Ready: U.S. Expanding Its War In Libya…