Tag Archives: war

  he's getting what he wants and he's not going to take it anymore

John McCain Might Need To Impeach Obama For Giving Him The War He Always Wanted

It must be so hard to be John McCain these days, which is excellent news for John McCain because everything is, that is the law. President “That One” is still running around being president, if you can believe it, like some kind of guy who got elected president. And one of Johnny’s BFFs, Joe Lieberman, is no longer winking at him from across the Senate aisle and accompanying him on romantic getaways to countries we have bombed or would like to bomb. Don’t even get us started on that poker game the other day. The worst! But now that McCain is thiiiiiiiiis close to getting that war on Syria he’s wanted for years, he’s in a real pickle. On the one hand, yea! War! The president is going to let him press the red button and bomb all the countries. (McCain has always wanted to bomb all the countries. Also, a pony.) And yet, McCain does not care for that Obama fellow one bit, no sir. Whatever shall he do? Let us don our gas masks and take a trip through the twisted mind that is John McCain to figure out how to end up at YEA WAR! and also IMPEACH! Think it can’t be done? Let’s see: Read more on John McCain Might Need To Impeach Obama For Giving Him The War He Always Wanted…
  police blotter

Illinois Residents Can Sleep Safer Now That Police Have Tased, Beanbagged 95-Year-Old Veteran To Death

Did you feel as though an intangible but perceptible cloud of safety and serenity descended on your community sometime last week? Probably this is because you live in Park Forest, Illinois, where local police successfully tased and beanbagged a 95-year-old World War II veteran to death last week for being ornery and refusing to put down a kitchen knife. Or maybe there was no kitchen knife and it was actually a shoehorn, who can be sure. But yes, thankfully, residents of Park Forest can sleep more soundly knowing that they are safe from the menace of cranky 95-year-olds thanks to Park Forest’s best and brightest! Read more on Illinois Residents Can Sleep Safer Now That Police Have Tased, Beanbagged 95-Year-Old Veteran To Death…
  mitt's time

Mitt Romney Not Waiting Around All Day For You To Return His Call About Your Dead Son, Lady

Mitt Romney is a very busy man, you guys. He is busy now that he’s running for president, and he was busy back when he was a governor. So if your son dies and he gives you a call the day of his funeral, you should probably call him back RIGHT AWAY because he is very important! Very busy! Got that? Read more on Mitt Romney Not Waiting Around All Day For You To Return His Call About Your Dead Son, Lady…
  patented management techniques

Romney Talks War Stuff Without Actually Promising More Wars, What A Wuss

Oh, boy, a Republican presidential candidate just went to give a “major foreign policy address” to a military academy, which as we all know means a whole lot of highly explosive murder-death, for freedom, right? Well, sorry carnage lovers, your 2012 GOP nominee isn’t the sort of guy who, say, makes up comical “Weird” Al-style song spoofs about dropping bombs on other countries and killing tens of thousands of people. Nope! You’re stuck with Mitt Romney, who comes from a modern-day executive class that believes the answer to everything is “leadership,” and that you can learn “leadership” by reading the executive summaries of all the terrible business books with “leadership” in the title, and that liberal weenies who’ve never run a business don’t understand “leadership,” and that what the world wants is more American “leadership,” from a real “leader,” Mitt Romney. “Fuck this noise,” you’re saying, “Who will America bomb, under President Romney? WHO?” Details after the jump, but … maybe nobody? BOOO. Read more on Romney Talks War Stuff Without Actually Promising More Wars, What A Wuss…
  we are reasonably sure we won

A Children’s Treasury Of Your Wonkette’s War On New York City

Following our successful foray into Philadelphia, your Wonkette #WARRED on the Drinking Liberally party held every Thursday at Rudy’s in New York City, by buying them beer and stealing their women. Commenters, lurkers, and your Editrix’s NYC macher aunt and uncle, after the jump! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Your Wonkette’s War On New York City…
  it's either him or john bolton

Donald Trump To Build Garish Condos On Iranian Riviera

Oh, man, this is what happens when Donald Trump reads the liberal media! It just reaffirms all of his most terrifying fever-dreams. For instance, the New York Times reports that Barack Obama is implementing a policy of containment and saber-rattling against Iran, which is pretty much the same policy that George W. Bush engaged in (once he stopped listening to Cheney’s pleas for more carnage) and will almost certainly be the policy that President Romney would engage in (despite the fact that he has to promise to all the crazies while he’s running that he’ll kill as many Iranians as possible). But noted foreign policy expert Donald Trump knows that Obama’s motivations are different from Bush and Romney’s. They are focused entirely on winning the 2012 election, which is why we must start hugging the Iranian leadership in an act of peace and love and understanding right now, to prevent Obama from being re-elected in November. Read more on Donald Trump To Build Garish Condos On Iranian Riviera…
  pansies

Treasonous, Cowardly, Un-American Troops Favor Obama By Seven

Get out your Purple Heart bandages, because it is once again time to remind the American people that The Troops are a bunch of lazy, cowardly, treasonous, unpatriotic, un-American, Kenyan-Socialist-Communist whiners. If the election were held today, Obama would win the veteran vote by as much as seven points over Romney, higher than his margin in the general population. The fuck you say! It is almost like soldiers are expressing anger at the toll of a decade of war, questioning the legitimacy of George W. Bush’s Iraq invasion, and worrying that the surge in Afghanistan won’t make a difference in the long run! (And also: don’t really have a hard-on for #WARRING with Iran!) Read more on Treasonous, Cowardly, Un-American Troops Favor Obama By Seven…
  slate pitches

Catholic League’s Bill Donohue Explainers: Catholics Are Against Adoption Now

God bless Bill Donohue, always striding forth and grandly opening his warbly old yap and letting the most insanely bigotty shit spill forth. Remember that time he was on Scarborough Country, going on and on about Hollywood and “the Jews” and then got a helpful assist from copanelist Jennifer Giroux who said, “I’m sorry but we cannot go back and make it that the Hawaiians killed Christ.” Yeah, we do! So this time — you may have heard? — all the Mommy Blogs are warblogging with all the other Mommy Blogs, and Bill Donohue, head of the fringe rightwing group the Catholic League, twatted this: “Lesbian Dem Hilary Rosen tells Ann Romney she never worked a day in her life. Unlike Rosen, who had to adopt kids, Ann raised 5 of her own.” FUCK YOU, ADOPTIVE PARENTS! Bill Donohue has some thoughts on your abnormal life and ways! Read more on Catholic League’s Bill Donohue Explainers: Catholics Are Against Adoption Now…
  robert de niro must apologize for this

Rep. Walter Jones Is Sick Of Borrowing War Money From ‘Uncle Chang’

North Carolina Rep. Walter Jones, Ron Paul’s fellow anti-everything old crank who’s occasionally right, is sick of the Afghanistan war, like the vast majority of Americans and people everywhere. But did you even know, like Walter Jones knows, that some guy in China named “Uncle Chang” is paying for the whole thing? Read more on Rep. Walter Jones Is Sick Of Borrowing War Money From ‘Uncle Chang’…
  a nation's questions get answers

Reporters To Obama: War War War War War War Now War?

Reporters at today’s White House press conference opened their dialogue with the president on a familiar topic: War: When are we having it, and can we have it now. WAR. Also, why don’t you ever visit Israel you horrible anti-Semite? And what about war? Meanwhile, Fox News’ Ed Henry, who one time wrote the worst article in American history, wanted to know about war war war war war… perhaps you understand how the opening of this press conference went, yes? Well Obama simply “pivoted” to calling Mitt Romney a loser in response, so everything worked out. Read more on Reporters To Obama: War War War War War War Now War?…
  sure why not

U.S. Marines In Afghanistan Pose Proudly With Nazi Flag

Pissing on the corpses of your victims is so last year! These days, hawt Marines sent to Afghanistan to kill random peasants and/or kill each other have a new prop to show how Xtreme they can get! It’s the Nazi flag used by the Nazis who had the mission of “exterminating the Jewish race.” Eh, Jews/Muslims, same dif? Read more on U.S. Marines In Afghanistan Pose Proudly With Nazi Flag…
  sweets and flowers

U.S. Soldiers Changing Hearts & Minds By Urinating On Dead Muslims

Everybody supporting the troops a lot? Here they are “finishing the job,” with the primary job being “killing Muslims everywhere” and the finish being “ritually urinating on the bloodied bodies.” Afghanistan, the war that keeps on giving! Read more on U.S. Soldiers Changing Hearts & Minds By Urinating On Dead Muslims…
  war all the time

Obama Starting New War In … Uganda! Sure, Uganda Sounds Good

Is the War of Libya over? Who knows. How about the War In Iraq? Kind of dull these days, we guess. War against Afghanistan? Very expensive and busy, as always, but it’s mostly boring Robot Raptors laser-blasting poor families in mud huts. And then we (ha ha, “we”) have soldiers and troops and special forces and androids in another 117 countries around the world. A hundred and seventeen! Who knew we even had so many countries! But that’s the Obama Administration for you! (The Bush Administration had military forces in 75 countries. So, Obama is better, we guess, at having American military operatives destabilizing the world, constantly.) Anyway, it’s time for a war in a different kind of place. So much desert, right? Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, Pakistan, Somalia, Yemen …. just one arid-ass place after another. You always need to have like two chapsticks. How about a jungle, for a change? That’s different! Great, then Uganda it is. Send the “military advisers,” haw haw. Read more on Obama Starting New War In … Uganda! Sure, Uganda Sounds Good…
  missed economic opportunities

McCain and Graham Pout U.S. Didn’t Get to Drop Enough Bombs on Libya

Aging lesbian power couple John McCain and Lindsey Graham are excited to hear about what appears to be the final collapse of the Qaddafi regime in Libya, although Sartorial Satan is still in hiding and Tripoli is not yet under full rebel control. Team McHamBiscuits nonetheless have an important nonsense neoconservative reflection on the whole saga: “we regret that this success was so long in coming due to the failure of the United States to employ the full weight of our airpower.” So sorry! to Libya, that the U.S. was not more involved in your conflict. U.S. military intervention in foreign conflicts is historically a top choice for fast conflict resolution, so really just a huge apology if Libya feels it missed out on that. Can John McCain still get some of Libya’s money, though? Read more on McCain and Graham Pout U.S. Didn’t Get to Drop Enough Bombs on Libya…