Wonkette artistic contributor (and Chicago Reader staffer, yay!) Lauri Apple has a special War On Xmas Eve present to bless all of you, everyone: It’s the Talking Thomas Friedman Doll, direct from a business-class flight from some exotic foreign destination with Pizza Huts and golf courses! He’s so full of crap, your dogs will try to eat him! MORE »

We just received a crucial telegram from the COMICS CURMUDGEON, subject line: “EMERGENCY WAR ON CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE ADDITION.” This is what we live for, as Journalists. A company is selling creepy human-head-statue urns, for the ashes of your loved ones. (Or maybe for you?) You can get the head designed to look like deceased Aunt LuLu, or long-gone Grandpa Jonesy, or even your own head, which is fucking awesome. MORE »

Terrify your friends and lovers this War on Christmas with a customized “dragon” metaphor for Barack Obama’s love of fire and war! “Our, limited edition, collectible dragon statue showcases Barack Obama as a fiercely committed young dragon of mystic strength.” Supposedly the buyer would purchase this catastrophe as a desk decoration, like for work. Awful. [Design Toscano]

So sad, this Christmastime. Last year, we could still sort of laugh. That fancy Barack Obama had won the presidency, after all. Maybe we would, uhh, weather the storm? Come back stronger?! Well, sorry about that. But it’s the Season of Xmas, and we’ve got a super special selection of cheap-ass unwanted “America-themed” old-pantyhose stuffers to make your whole holiday a crushing reminder of just how much things suck, in the Year of our Baby Lord Jesus 2009/2010. MORE »

The Freedom Tray is America’s Favorite New War On Xmas Fad! Wonkette artistic contributor Lauri Apple made this beautiful representation of Jesus himself enjoying all the fruits of Amerikkka, in His own Laz-E-Boy porta potty. And legitimate newspaper the News-Observer has published a lovely history of the Freedom Tray, which was created by a team of nuclear physicists at Raleigh’s Research Triangle. The article features a discourse on ironic and un-ironic War On Xmas gifts, with quotes from your Wonkette editor. [News-Observer]

Do you have a hard time balancing a lap-full of bacon burgers and grease tacos while you drive around slurping caramel-coffee ice cream shakes and 172-oz. buckets of Mr. Pibb? Did foreigners steal your job? Wondering why your teen-aged daughter has so many middle-aged male friends from the MySpace showing up at all hours? What you need is the Freedom Tray. Meet the Freedom Tray. Buy the Freedom Tray. Experience Freedom. MORE »

Here’s a great War On Xmas gift for that kid on your list who cannot read and will never need those fancy elitism skills, anyway: a shitty “children’s book” about how Sarah Palin and her sack of dildos saves this plague rat from these dumb urchins. You know, because liberals are ruining this country! Jesus christ, why do people even send us these press releases? [Ugh]

Unlike our amoral right-wing friends, here at Wonkette we don’t start the War on Xmas until after Thanksgiving (Cyber-Sex Thursday). But here’s a special preview of the kind of trash you can expect to find in our annual War on Xmas Gift Guide: Oh hey, it’s an Obama Dildo, so you can, uh, practice your love. MORE »

“The King is setting hearts ablaze for the holidays with his new scent of choice. FLAME™, a new men’s body spray by Burger King Corp., features the scent of seduction with the hint of flame-broiled meat.” We get the products we deserve. [Burger King FLAME via Gothamist]

Wonkette hobo operative “Virginia” went all the way to a state called “Virginia” (??) to cash in on the McCain-Palin used junk firesale advertised here yesterday, and sends this note: “I got all the way here!! but the elevator won’t take me to floor ‘m’. I am proud of trek, but saddened by the end result. Any advice from that last tipster on how to get in?” …Stairs? Ha ha just kidding, that would be so exhausting. Poor Virginia!! Any other similar reports?

Yo bitches check out the details about this FIRESALE at McCain-Palin headquarters, according to a report from an anonymous operative in Virginia: “I just came back from the McCain-Palin regional headquarters in Arlington, VA. They are selling all of their office equipment - it was very depressing, but I did lay hands on a nice 19″ LCD screen for only $113!” More infoz after the jump! MORE »

Oh look what your editor stumbled upon, yesterday, while researching the George W. Bush Jr. Xmas Gift Guide: It’s Florida Erection, the cult-classic homosexual pornography telling of the 2000 recount in Florida! Here, from the cover copy: “Hundreds of cum-drenched ballots are ignored by Florida Secretary of State Harris (Lana Luster) when she declares George Gush the winner.” MORE »

FIVE-DOLLAR GEORGE W. BUSH GIFT GUIDE: “Nothing says Kwanzaa, or ‘good will,’ like choosing a cheap, mean George W. Bush-themed trinket for your idiot relatives who actually voted for that clown.” [AOL Political Machine]

Well isn’t this beautiful? No? Right, it’s a design disaster. Maybe Photoshop should require an Operator’s License with annual testing. That would create jobs! Anyway, here is your latest Wonkette War On Xmas gift suggestion, this terrible fucking plate, which looks like it should be the hubcap of a blinged-out compact car with those gay rims that inexplicably stick out from the little tires, and maybe an Old Spice air freshener in the shape of a pine tree with a picture of Tupac or the Pope or somebody. $39.95, for this piece of shit. Get it for some insufferable Obamatard you secretly loathe, and shame them into displaying it, forever. [Obama Collector Plates]