Tag: war on xmas

This Holiday, Start Your Own Eggnog Riot With Our Handy Recipe!

You probably can't quite get yourself worked up enough over the new Air Jordans to join the bloodthirsty mobs across the nation tearing each other's limbs off under rainstorms of police pepper-spray in order to get hold of...

World Eagerly Awaits Christmas Miracle of Dick Cheney’s Death

We don't believe in an interventionist god, so today's cheery eyewitness report of Dick Cheney being "enfeebled" at a death-war military contractor's holiday cocktail ritual does not make us believe we're all going to have a very merry Christmas....

Wal-Mart’s Billions and the Art Museum of Cruelty: A Christmas Carol

Here is a number we've seen bouncing around this week that really makes us want to fire up the old Yule Log, in the sense that the "Yule Log" is a tightly bound human centipede of the richest hundred...

Al Franken Lures Filibuster-Proof Majority of Senators With Secret Gifts

How do you trick 61 U.S. Senators into hanging out for a few hours without an eruption of bloodshed? You promise them a mystery holiday treat! It works on children, so why not? A very mischievous Al Franken snuck...

Arizona Gun Nuts Pose Children With Assault Rifles and Santa

Have you somehow forgotten about Arizona these past few days? Let's remember it all over again, for the holidays! Nothing says "mythology of the peaceful savior Jesus" like an Arizona gun club hosting a Guns 'n Santa family foto...

Mike Huckabee Can’t Wait Till Xmas 2011!

How many days until Christmas? Just 358 days! Oh man, next Xmas is gonna punish, especially if we get Mike Huckabee's dream gift, which is a box of 1,000 copies of his Xmas book, signed by Jesus and pooped...

Obamas Worship Shark God In Hawaiian ‘Church’

While you were trying to pry off your frozen Depends in the backseat of the 1987 Plymouth K-Car you call home, fancy Afro-Hawaiian Barack Obama and his family of vegetable-grazing elitists were worshiping the Hawaiian Shark God at the...

Merry Xmas, America! (Don’t Eat the Poison Gingerbread Houses)

Christmas Day is over, pretty much! It's all down to the weeping and drunken fighting with what's her name, your relative probably, and the kids freaking out over their broken shoddy toys and the crippling mudslide/snowstorm that will prevent...

Wonkette Senate Obstruction Trading Cards Will Ruin Your Child’s Christmas

As we look back on the 111th Congress, we will remember two things: a mediocre (but actually successful!) health care bill and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots...

TSA Announces War On Xmas Against … ‘Insulated Beverage Containers’

Christmas Eve is a very exciting travel day because it's one of the busiest, most insane times to attempt to get on a plane. Plus, the weather is guaranteed to be pretty horrible because it's winter. Also, there's horrific...

North Korea Attacks South Korea With Angry Faxes

How do you know which side in any conflict has the technological advantage? Hint: It's not the side sending angry faxes, in 2010. This is what North Korea is doing to South Korea, faxing pages that "blame South Korea...

Texas Christians Execute Santa Claus (Video!)

Oh look, some fucktard wingnuts in Texas somewhere made a video of themselves "executing Santa Claus," you know, because Baby Jesus hates Santa Claus. Why does Baby Jesus hate a Christian saint? Because Baby Jesus isn't Catholic anymore, come...

Tonight’s Lunar Eclipse/Winter Solstice: What You Need To Know

Tonight will be very exciting for the fancy elitists in our country who can locate the night sky: For the first time in four centuries, a total lunar eclipse will also mark the Winter Solstice. Also, it's a Full...

Rep. Loretta Sanchez Sends History’s Saddest Christmas Card

For the past hundred years or so, political people in Washington and Southern California have looked forward to nothing more than the whimsical/weird Christmas Card sent out by Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez. Why? Because it showed a bit of whimsy/weirdness,...

Wonkette’s Best Ever Cyber Friday 2010 War On Xmas Gift Guide

Did you think we'd forget? With just eight days of Xmas Shopping before the Big Day when you go in the bathroom and shoot yourself because you can't afford presents, again, this Christmas Holiday Season is shaping up to...

An American Holiday Classic: Bye Bye, Baby Jesus

This is not actually a Holiday Classic, but because nothing on the Internet can be trusted, that's the title we're giving to this old thing we found, which was written by your editor back when he was toiling for...