Tag Archives: war on xmas

  also a holiday cocktails blog

This Holiday, Start Your Own Eggnog Riot With Our Handy Recipe!

You probably can’t quite get yourself worked up enough over the new Air Jordans to join the bloodthirsty mobs across the nation tearing each other’s limbs off under rainstorms of police pepper-spray in order to get hold of some ugly sneakers down at the mall, because that is awful. But did you know that Americans used to hold holiday riots over much more fun things, like eggnog? It’s true! In 1826, a group of mischievous West Point cadets smuggled many, many gallons of whiskey into the Academy to make a nice boozed-up eggnog for the Christmas party, just like George Washington also used to love for celebrating the baby Jeebus. As a result of getting wasted, on eggnog, they lost their minds and mutinied like hell for TWO STRAIGHT DAYS. Sounds more fun than bleeding to death out your ears on the floor of the mall, right? So here is a recipe for you to get the ball rolling on your very own commemorative Eggnog Riot: Read more on This Holiday, Start Your Own Eggnog Riot With Our Handy Recipe!…
  pray to jesus & santa!

World Eagerly Awaits Christmas Miracle of Dick Cheney’s Death

We don’t believe in an interventionist god, so today’s cheery eyewitness report of Dick Cheney being “enfeebled” at a death-war military contractor’s holiday cocktail ritual does not make us believe we’re all going to have a very merry Christmas. We must remember that Dick Cheney has been legally dead about a hundred times, and he is also not human. So why spoil the season by chanting wishes and invocations over each Chanukah candle or Christmas pie? So, take this New York Post report for what it’s worth: Dick Cheney made a grim-reaper appearance at (naturally) “a party to welcome Northrop Grumman CEO Wes Bush to DC at former George W. Bush adviser Bobbie Kilberg’s home in McLean, Va.” And it even startled the merchants of death who make up the Bush/Cheney Military-Industrial Murder Complex, because Cheney’s face was covered in an oxygen mask and he was too weak to stand. Read more on World Eagerly Awaits Christmas Miracle of Dick Cheney’s Death…
  #occupywalmart

Wal-Mart’s Billions and the Art Museum of Cruelty: A Christmas Carol

Here is a number we’ve seen bouncing around this week that really makes us want to fire up the old Yule Log, in the sense that the “Yule Log” is a tightly bound human centipede of the richest hundred humans in America, lit on fire: The six heirs to the Wal-Mart fortune have about $93 billion between them, more money and financial assets than the combined 100,000,000 Americans at the bottom of our crushing economic system. With half of all Americans now officially poor or “near poor” — which is somehow worse than plain poverty, as “near poor” means you don’t qualify for the minimal safety net this country generously offers some of its most desperate people — it is not a complete surprise that the rich must be very rich indeed these days. But the idea of six heirs to a corporate fortune built upon the destruction of American manufacturing, American small business and the American working class owning more than 30% of the entire nation, well that is the kind of thing that makes us think of Charles Dickens, and the holiday of abject misery and constant war against the impoverished called “Christmastime.” Read more on Wal-Mart’s Billions and the Art Museum of Cruelty: A Christmas Carol…
  the jewish senator who saved christmas

Al Franken Lures Filibuster-Proof Majority of Senators With Secret Gifts

How do you trick 61 U.S. Senators into hanging out for a few hours without an eruption of bloodshed? You promise them a mystery holiday treat! It works on children, so why not? A very mischievous Al Franken snuck in a new “Secret Santa clause” to the Senate’s bazillion page protocol in an effort to bring a late-breaking smidgen of friendly behavior to the fancier chamber of Congress before the end of Government for the year/forever, hooray! (Do not worry, though, Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell are still in the process of Ruining Everything with an acrimonious new deadlock over the payroll tax cut extension today.) So who got what (besides America, who gets nothing)??? Remember, kids, there’s a ten-dollar limit! Read more on Al Franken Lures Filibuster-Proof Majority of Senators With Secret Gifts…
  thanksgiving needs more guns

Arizona Gun Nuts Pose Children With Assault Rifles and Santa

Have you somehow forgotten about Arizona these past few days? Let’s remember it all over again, for the holidays! Nothing says “mythology of the peaceful savior Jesus” like an Arizona gun club hosting a Guns ‘n Santa family foto event. “I thinks it’s going to be all in fun from those who support the second amendment and those who don’t,” a local gun nut tells the teevee news in Phoenix. We heartily agree! Read more on Arizona Gun Nuts Pose Children With Assault Rifles and Santa…
  a very merry unchristmas to you

Mike Huckabee Can’t Wait Till Xmas 2011!

How many days until Christmas? Just 358 days! Oh man, next Xmas is gonna punish, especially if we get Mike Huckabee’s dream gift, which is a box of 1,000 copies of his Xmas book, signed by Jesus and pooped out by reindeer over Iowa. Thanks to “Kevin H.” for the funny bookstore picture. Read more on Mike Huckabee Can’t Wait Till Xmas 2011!…
  nation of food poisoning

Merry Xmas, America! (Don’t Eat the Poison Gingerbread Houses)

Christmas Day is over, pretty much! It’s all down to the weeping and drunken fighting with what’s her name, your relative probably, and the kids freaking out over their broken shoddy toys and the crippling mudslide/snowstorm that will prevent you from ever getting home (which was foreclosed, anyway). Also, the Gingerbread Houses are filled with a special Christmas treat this year: poison! And not the rockin’ ’80s hair band, either! (Haha there was a successful hair band called Poison, we’ve just remembered, because of these tainted gingerbread houses.) Read more on Merry Xmas, America! (Don’t Eat the Poison Gingerbread Houses)…
  print out ur internets

Wonkette Senate Obstruction Trading Cards Will Ruin Your Child’s Christmas

As we look back on the 111th Congress, we will remember two things: a mediocre (but actually successful!) health care bill and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and a bit and lots of Republican obstructionism. To mark the end of this joyous legislative year, your Wonkette has gone on this Internet thing for children (such as your editor) to make collectible trading cards of the Senate’s top obstructionists. You can even print them out and give them to children for Christmas! If you hate children, that is. Read more on Wonkette Senate Obstruction Trading Cards Will Ruin Your Child’s Christmas…
  our fragile nation

TSA Announces War On Xmas Against … ‘Insulated Beverage Containers’

Christmas Eve is a very exciting travel day because it’s one of the busiest, most insane times to attempt to get on a plane. Plus, the weather is guaranteed to be pretty horrible because it’s winter. Also, there’s horrific stress as millions of people try to get across the country at the last possible minute because Christmas Eve is both the official start of the Yuletide Family Gathering and a regular work day. Terrible all around! Luckily we have the Homeland Security clown theater troupe, “TSA,” to come up with some random bullshit to ruin whatever hasn’t been ruined by common crowds and weather. Read more on TSA Announces War On Xmas Against … ‘Insulated Beverage Containers’…
  wonkette world service

North Korea Attacks South Korea With Angry Faxes

How do you know which side in any conflict has the technological advantage? Hint: It’s not the side sending angry faxes, in 2010. This is what North Korea is doing to South Korea, faxing pages that “blame South Korea for the November 23 artillery attack on Yeonpyeong Island.” Harsh. Also, the faxes have been sent not to the military or the UN counsel or whatever, but to “15 companies, consisting of two religious groups, seven trade companies, five civic groups and one media organization.” Jeez, isn’t anybody afraid of the War Crimes Tribunal anymore? Crazy-ass North Koreans. What next, a Twitter post? (No, that would take functioning computers.) Read more on North Korea Attacks South Korea With Angry Faxes…
  must be santa

Texas Christians Execute Santa Claus (Video!)

Oh look, some fucktard wingnuts in Texas somewhere made a video of themselves “executing Santa Claus,” you know, because Baby Jesus hates Santa Claus. Why does Baby Jesus hate a Christian saint? Because Baby Jesus isn’t Catholic anymore, come on, don’t you know anything about American Christmas? Anyway watch these mouth-breathing obese poop-sacks play with their guns and toy Santas, if that’s what you want to do with yourself. Read more on Texas Christians Execute Santa Claus (Video!)…
  space-based war on xmas

Tonight’s Lunar Eclipse/Winter Solstice: What You Need To Know

Tonight will be very exciting for the fancy elitists in our country who can locate the night sky: For the first time in four centuries, a total lunar eclipse will also mark the Winter Solstice. Also, it’s a Full Moon! And there’s a meteor shower tonight, too! This combination of science and paganism is exactly what the Baby Jesus fears the most this time of year — and America can hardly afford to have its national religious-consumer holiday spoiled by potentially Islamic forces of Nature. As always in our fragile nation, the crucial thing is to not be distracted by what’s going on all around us, because the American Way is to instead create some unpleasant diversion until “the threat passes” or everyone currently alive is dead. That’s why we’ve prepared this handy chart to help you prepare for tonight’s astronomical violence. Read more on Tonight’s Lunar Eclipse/Winter Solstice: What You Need To Know…
  endless war on xmas

Rep. Loretta Sanchez Sends History’s Saddest Christmas Card

For the past hundred years or so, political people in Washington and Southern California have looked forward to nothing more than the whimsical/weird Christmas Card sent out by Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez. Why? Because it showed a bit of whimsy/weirdness, which means it was utterly unique in the dead-soul forced-smile world of U.S. politics. Well, we hope you all enjoyed the fun of years past, with Loretta and her cat doing various funny things like surfing or riding motorcycles or burning twenty dollar bills. We hope you liked all that. Read more on Rep. Loretta Sanchez Sends History’s Saddest Christmas Card…
  we got you this stuff

Wonkette’s Best Ever Cyber Friday 2010 War On Xmas Gift Guide

Did you think we’d forget? With just eight days of Xmas Shopping before the Big Day when you go in the bathroom and shoot yourself because you can’t afford presents, again, this Christmas Holiday Season is shaping up to be the best ever! And we’ve got a very special selection of gift ideas to prove you care enough to look at a political joke website instead of doing some “Cyber Friday” last-minute charging on the almost-revoked credit card! Please get a cup of hot chocolate anything alcoholic and enjoy these yuletide gems. Read more on Wonkette’s Best Ever Cyber Friday 2010 War On Xmas Gift Guide…
  holiday droppings

An American Holiday Classic: Bye Bye, Baby Jesus

This is not actually a Holiday Classic, but because nothing on the Internet can be trusted, that’s the title we’re giving to this old thing we found, which was written by your editor back when he was toiling for UPI at the shabby headquarters behind the White House, back when Bill Clinton was still officially president. Read more on An American Holiday Classic: Bye Bye, Baby Jesus…