Tag Archives: war on women

  I Am Mad About A Thing

GOP Reveals New New Extra New Plan to ‘Empower’ Women By Telling Them They Are Stupid

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Republicans have a new plan to woo the lady voters, and it’s new! And a plan! And unlike all the other new plans they’ve been trying, this one is totally going to work. (Spoiler: It is not going to work.) Read more on GOP Reveals New New Extra New Plan to ‘Empower’ Women By Telling Them They Are Stupid…
  sorry not sorry

I Am Mad About A Thing: Hooray, Todd Akin Has A ‘Book’

Ugh, Todd Akin, right? You remember Todd Akin, of course. He was a Republican representative from Missouri who just might have become a senator from Missouri if he had not made the catastrophic mistake, as Republicans are wont to do, of opening his mouth and saying words. And you remember those words because we all do, because they are tattooed on our brains, and we cannot bleach them away no matter how hard we try: Read more on I Am Mad About A Thing: Hooray, Todd Akin Has A ‘Book’…
  Waste millions with this one neat trick

I Am Mad About A Thing: Federal Money To Tell Kids To Shut Their Legs For Jesus

You know what is a terrific way to waste millions of dollars? Teaching kids that the only thing they need to know about sex is to just not do that. If you’re looking to invest money in something proven to be utterly ineffective, and in fact harmful, abstinence-only education is the thing for you. Read more on I Am Mad About A Thing: Federal Money To Tell Kids To Shut Their Legs For Jesus…
  wonkette world o' books

A Review Of The Free Amazon Preview Of Katie Pavlich’s New ‘Book’

Today is D-Day for one of the most anticipated events of the year around yr Wonkette’s newsroom, for it marks the release of Katie Pavlich’s book-like substance, Assault and Flattery: The Truth About the Left and Their War on Women.We’re so excited! Not excited enough to actually spend $25 on the goddamn thing and help Katie’s book-like-substance sales, or make the trek to the library, or download a copy to our Kindle. Then we might find ourselves feeling obligated to read the entire thing and risk falling into an abyss of self-loathing and despair over our career choices. But we can read the free preview on Amazon and review that, which is about as much attention as this thing deserves. We know we’re in for some good reading just looking at the list of chapter titles: Lynching the GOP; Barack Obama: The Most Anti-Woman President Ever (this is the same Barack Obama who signed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act and put coverage of contraceptives for women in his massive health-insurance reform bill, right?); The NRA: America’s Real Pro-Women’s Group… Good thing we’re not reading the book, because the material could not possibly be funnier than these titles. Katie, you’ve already peaked! But let’s read the rest of this free preview anyway. Read more on A Review Of The Free Amazon Preview Of Katie Pavlich’s New ‘Book’…
  u mad?

I Am Mad About A Thing: My Uncomfortably Crowded Vagina

I like my vagina. I think it’s great. I love touching it. I’m better at it than anyone else I’ve ever known, in that Biblical way, if you know what I mean. (Sex. I mean sex.) I love how it looks and feels when it’s perfectly waxed and smooth. It makes sex quite pleasant; it makes a bath fabulous. I’m also quite fond of the no-maintenance, full-on-natural, I’m-not-wearing-a-bathing-suit-for-many-months look. Read more on I Am Mad About A Thing: My Uncomfortably Crowded Vagina…
  last of the famous international playboys

Gross Old Virginia Dem: I Wasn’t Boning That Teenage Secretary, It Was Haxxors!

Hey, gross old Virginia Dem Joe Morrissey, were you boning your teenage secretary, and asking her to send you pictures of her muff, and otherwise being gross and disgusting? You were not? It was LESBIAN HAXXORS who planted those sexts in both your teenage inamorata’s phone and yours, including the instant classic “OMG I just fucked my boss”? GOOD TO KNOW, we guess you will not go to jail now for being gross and disgusting, unless you do! But please do tell us allllll about it, including, please, your preferred names for her nanny and your thingie, and how much you cried before, during, and after? Also, you guys, did we mention he totally accuses the HAXXOR of being another girl with a lesbionic crush on his teenage amour. Now you will read on, no? Read more on Gross Old Virginia Dem: I Wasn’t Boning That Teenage Secretary, It Was Haxxors!…
  edgy political satire

Hilarious O’Reilly Pal Jesse Watters Gets Dainty Fashionable Boot Up Ass At N.O.W. Convention

Insufferable smugbunny Jesse Watters, who does innovative comedy clips involving record-scratch sound effects for The O’Reilly Factor, scored some major ha-has at the 2014 National Organization for Women (NOW) conference in Albuquerque before he was booted by security for not having a press pass. Get this: he offended one lady by calling her a “gal!” Watters also scored major points against the silly little “feminist” movement by starting the segment with Helen Reddy’s embarrassingly-dated 70’s anthem “I Am Woman,” because come on, do women even NEED an organization anymore? And then he made some hilarious jokes about so-called “War on Women,” asking if any of the ladies at the convention had been wounded, or if he’d be issued a weapon if he signed up, and even asking NOW president Patricia Ireland to feel his manly bicep muscle to see if he’s tough enough to fight. Get it? That there is some high-concept comedy riffing. Why don’t feminists just lighten up and stop being such man-hating sourpusses, huh? Read more on Hilarious O’Reilly Pal Jesse Watters Gets Dainty Fashionable Boot Up Ass At N.O.W. Convention…
  This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things If We Are Ladies Anyway

Here Is All The Worst Supreme Court Suck On The Hobby Lobby Ruling For Ladyparts Only

If you want to spend your morning rage-reading the Supreme Court’s decision in Burwell, Secretary of Health and Human Services, et al. v. Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc., et al., aka, Actual Science Stuff v. People Who Think Your Birth Control Makes Jesus Cry, you may want to reconsider, because it will make you want to burn all the things. So save yourself some time and what’s left of your sanity, put an aspirin between your knees, and enjoy hating these most sucktastic highlights of the Supreme Court’s decision that corporations, unlike ladies, are people, and their beliefs trump your health care. Because men. Because reasons. Because religion. Because because. Read more on Here Is All The Worst Supreme Court Suck On The Hobby Lobby Ruling For Ladyparts Only…
  so much more polite than 'gash'

Sean Hannity & Mark Levin Share A Good Laugh About Genitalia-Americans — You know, ‘Women’

Sometimes people claim that conservatives don’t know what’s funny, but Sean Hannity knows what’s funny, like calling women “genitalia.” In an interview with frothing radio rodent Mark Levin, who defended the honor of ladies everywhere by telling Martin Bashir not to feed Sarah Palin a dookie, Hannity got some world-class giggles when Levin made a joke about the pointlessness of Republican outreach to “ethnic groups” and “genitalia.” To win, Levin said, the R’s need to return to their natural constituency of “Reagan Democrats, blue-collar Democrats” and to “stop chasing ethnic groups, stop chasing genitalia. Talk to the American people. Talk about liberty, opportunity. Explain to them that Obama’s wrong, and that we need to unleash the American people and unleash the economy.” By golly, if only Mitt Romney had tried to reach out more to white males, 2012 would have been in the bag, all right! Who needs the Genitalia when all the dicks are already in your electoral pocket, right? Read more on Sean Hannity & Mark Levin Share A Good Laugh About Genitalia-Americans — You know, ‘Women’…
  yeah yeah we know

Ghost Breitbart Exposes Clay Aiken’s Record Of Threatening To Punch Ann Coulter In The Face

We learn all sorts of interesting things by reading Dead Breitbart’s Newshole for Scabies-Blighted Ragemonkeys, like for instance that minor congressional candidate and former American Idolater Clay Aiken is liberals’ “favorite congressional candidate in North Carolina,” which we have to admit is a pretty small population to start with. Breitbart horcrux John Nolte advises us that diligent Citizen Journalist “SooperMexican” has posted a reminder that back in 2012, Aiken tweeted a mean thing, and then deleted the tweet to hide his shame. Here is the unspeakable thing that Aiken tweeted: “anyone else watching @piersmorgan want to punch Ann Coulter in the face?” Instead of following that with “Honestly, doesn’t everyone? But one must be civilized,” the Breitbartian goes on to condemn the Democrats’ “war on women” blahblahblah. Because, you see, Democrats are all hypocrites who secretly want to beat women senseless! Read more on Ghost Breitbart Exposes Clay Aiken’s Record Of Threatening To Punch Ann Coulter In The Face…
  baby come on give me one more chance

RNC Targets Women & Minorities, And Not Just For Voter Suppression! (Video)

You all remember how the Republicans made a big show after Nobummer’s re-election of learning that maybe putting all their eggs in the ‘angry white man’ basket might not work in modern America? That lasted about 2.8 seconds, until Republicans started, you know, being Republican. But since the report that outlined that sincere push was released a year ago today, the RNC has put out a teevee advertisement proving that they can, indeed, find minorities and women to say they are Republican. Click on the video! Seriously, give it a watch! One guy even speaks Mexican, so we assume Rep. Steve King is checking his calves for illegal cantaloupes right this minute!  Read more on RNC Targets Women & Minorities, And Not Just For Voter Suppression! (Video)…
  You'll have nothing and like it

Louisiana Wants To Create Database Of All The Abortions It Won’t Let You Have For Your Safety

If it’s a day that ends in “y,” (and it is, we checked the Google), then it’s a safe bet that someone somewhere is trying to shove their limited-government legislation right up your vagina to protect you from yourself. For “life” and “freedom” and “babies” and “safety” and “stuff.” This is not news; in fact, this is the opposite of news, since it happens 25 hours a day, 53 weeks a year. But here’s a neat new twist: This time that someone somewhere is a Democrat. [Louisiana] Democratic State Rep. Katrina Jackson’s bill, in addition to keeping a state database of people who have had medication abortions, would require physicians who perform the procedure to obtain hospital admitting privileges. Jackson has also proposed amending the statutory definition of the first trimester from “six to fourteen weeks” to “up to fourteen weeks.” Read more on Louisiana Wants To Create Database Of All The Abortions It Won’t Let You Have For Your Safety…
  the wrong kind of badger

WI Majority Leader Likes To Put His Hands On Ladies’ Boobs or Butts, We Don’t Know Which, Maybe Both (Allegedly)

Hey ladies. You know how the GOP is all wanting you to like them? And not just like them, but like them like them, because of how you are all slutty whoremonsters who vote for Democrats? Well, the Wisconsin State Assembly GOP Majority Leader is seeking to give ‘women’s outreach’ his personal touch. Unfortunately, he did not take the Boehner-approved class on good touch/bad touch, per the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel: Assembly Majority Leader Bill Kramer may resign from his leadership post as soon as Saturday after being accused of sexually harassing at least two women while in Washington, D.C., for a GOP fundraiser. Protip for all GOP officials: don’t take a hands-on approach to give that personal touch to women voters, because Mad Men is a teevee show and not real life anymore.  Read more on WI Majority Leader Likes To Put His Hands On Ladies’ Boobs or Butts, We Don’t Know Which, Maybe Both (Allegedly)…
  'clinton death list' would be a good band name

Megyn Kelly Interviews Kathleen Willey About Why Hillary Clinton Murders Everyone All The Time

Assuming that Hillary Clinton runs for President, here’s a sample of what we can look forward to for the next two years: an endless Fox News rehashing of Bill Clinton’s peckerdilloes and all the related weirdness that followed. And by interviewing Kathleen Willey Tuesday night on Fox, thought leader Megyn Kelly is apparently setting the tone for 2016. Willey is a real blast from the past: she’s a conspiracy theorist with a long history of seemingly horrifying accusations against the Clintons that have never been substantiated. But they’re pretty sensational, all right, so she was the perfect person to put the spotlight on. She led off the interview with today’s rightwing Money Quote: “Hillary Clinton is the War On Women.” No need to explain exactly what that means (it means she didn’t cut Bill’s dick off like she should have), and don’t expect any details in this meandering interview — poor Ms. Willey is recovering from neck surgery, and so her head is a little floppy; don’t be mean about it. But that line, oh that line — it is a beautiful statement of vapid spite that will fit perfectly on a bumper sticker, right next to your Sons of the Confederacy license plate. Read more on Megyn Kelly Interviews Kathleen Willey About Why Hillary Clinton Murders Everyone All The Time…
  yeah that's gonna happen

Rand Paul Wants Dems To Give Back All Their Filthy Bill Clinton Sex Money

Sen. Rand Paul is just sick of the Democrats doing war on women by tolerating the continued existence of Bill Clinton, the sexual predator who had a consensual affair with a lady who worked for him (this is the only real instance of workplace sexual harassment in history, according to Republicans). And so he is calling on all Democrats who have ever raised money with Clinton to return it immediately to protest the notorious anti-woman blowjobs of 20 years ago. Seems reasonable! Read more on Rand Paul Wants Dems To Give Back All Their Filthy Bill Clinton Sex Money…
  the democrats have always been at war with the women

Rand Paul, Joe Scarborough: It Is Probably Hillary’s Fault Bill Clinton Got That Beej

In case you missed it because you were sleeping off your Saturday hangover, or had something better to do like watching paint dry, Sen. Rand “Aqua Buddha” Paul mansplained, as only a Republican can, how there isn’t really a war on women, except there is, but Democrats started it. (Also, he’s rubber, you’re glue, and YOUR MOM. Oh SNAP!) Oh, and the war that isn’t a war except it’s a war by Democrats is over now, the women won because his niece goes to Cornell, let us weep for the men. If that sounds like the same old arglebargle we’re always hearing from Republicans, it is. But Paul offered a new twist: The war on women that is not a war on women but is a war on women except that it is over now was started by Bill Clinton getting a blowjob, and that means Hillary cannot be president. WHAT?!? you say. Surely, you must be joking! No, we are not joking, and don’t call us Shirley. He really said it! Read more on Rand Paul, Joe Scarborough: It Is Probably Hillary’s Fault Bill Clinton Got That Beej…
  the party dress stays on

Dudes At Free Beacon Having Some Quality ‘Them Time’ With Pics Of This Pretty Blonde Right Winger

The nice folks at the Washington Free Beacon want you to know that this whole completely fictitious “War on Women” thing, which never existed to begin with, is now OVER. Not only is the official response to the State of the Union address going to be given by a Gyno-American, but the RNC’s Winter Meeting featured a “Rising Stars” event to showcase “a potpourri of strong conservative women who are making it rain change in America.” We were not aware of the cloud-seeding properties of conservative women, although we have no doubt that some of them smell nice enough. Anyway, one of these young conservative women, whose star “rose just a little bit higher than the rest,” is Alison Howard, the Communications Director for Beverly LaHaye’s funtimes circus, Concerned Women For America. And Alison, you see, is just so fantastic and incredibly gorgeous — not to mention conservative — that there will never ever be any accusations of a “War on Women” ever again. Plus, since she’s a conservative evangelical, you can bet her closet doesn’t contain any slut pills or bortions or libido. Read more on Dudes At Free Beacon Having Some Quality ‘Them Time’ With Pics Of This Pretty Blonde Right Winger…
  thoughts on bondage and discipline unknown

GOP Congressman Has Thoughtful Plan To End War On Women: Have The Women Surrender Unto Him

Ever since the GOP lost 183% of the non-penis vote in 2012, we have been pleasantly surprised at the abrupt turnaround of the Republican Party. Who would have imagined a pro-choice GOP that fights tooth and nail for equal pay for women! But for every two steps forward, there is the inevitable step backwards, this time courtesy of “back-bench member of Congress” Rep. Steve Pearce (R-NM), per the Washington Post: A Republican member of Congress [Pearce] says in a recently released book that a wife is to “voluntarily submit” to her husband, but that it doesn’t make her inferior to him. Oh yes, that most favorite passage of the Bible that conservatives super-promise is totally cool and DEMAND that we not take out of context, because thinking of submitting to the husband as leader of the family has nothing at all to do with him being superior and you being inferior. To think about it THAT WAY is just being all emotional, and you know how you ladies get when you think with your emotions, which are always running your world especially when you are PMSing, which is all the time, so don’t worry your pretty little head over this, because that’s the job of your husband, who is your leader, your guiding star, and your commander-in-chief. But not in a superior way.  Read more on GOP Congressman Has Thoughtful Plan To End War On Women: Have The Women Surrender Unto Him…
  All your uterus are belong to them

It’s The Anniversary Of Roe V. Wade So Get Yer Bortions While You Still Can

Forty-one years ago today, the Supreme Court made the bold declaration that what a woman does with her uterus is her own fucking business (before a fetus is viable, and then it gets kind of murky). And we Vagina-Americans have been fighting to remind the country that no, seriously, this is our legal right for reals, ever since. Republicans, meanwhile, being Republicans, have been trying to insert asterisks into Roe ever since. Like Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Scumbag), inventor of the heinous Hyde Amendment, which says taxpayer dollars cannot be used to pay for a legal medical procedure. And there was the Partial Birth Abortion Ban (passed with the help of several Democratic acccomplices, AHEM), which banned a procedure that is not actually a procedure but a definition Congress invented that basically says a combination of procedures used to perform abortions is especially ewwww and icky and so that should be illegal because ewwww and icky. But of course this is for the ladies’ own good because ladies are dumb and do not understand what abortion means and, as Justice Anthony Kennedy mansplained in upholding the Partial Birth Abortion Ban, even though “we find no reliable data,” certainly women MUST regret their abortions, and they MUST sometimes be depressed and have low-self esteem about it, so it is better for them if they just don’t get to have abortions. For their own good. And their self-esteem. Gee, thanks for your concern, Justice Kennedy. Please go fuck yourself with a wire hanger. The current Congress has some cool new ideas this year about how to pretend Roe is not actually the law, like maybe rape victims seeking abortions should be audited by the IRS. So compassion! Read more on It’s The Anniversary Of Roe V. Wade So Get Yer Bortions While You Still Can…
  A discussion for quiet wombs

GOP Rep. Goodlatte Knows Where The Jobs Are (They Are In Your Uterus)

Hey, kids, it’s January (really, we checked the Google), so you know what that means, right? Time for Republicans to make their annual attempt to pass a “No Taxpayer Funding For Abortion” bill. But wait, you are saying to yourself, isn’t taxpayer funding for abortion already prohibited? Yes, you are correct, and it has been that way since 1976. Wait some more, you are now saying to yourself, shouldn’t Republicans be focused on actual problems that actually exist? Yes, you are correct again, even though that is utterly beside the point because abortion something unborn children something taxpayers something money is fungible something blah blah something. Here’s your cookie, smartass. Wednesday’s House Judiciary Committee hearing on the bill went exactly according to schedule: All the menfolk talked about how abortion makes them soooooo sad, while all the ladyfolk protested outside the hearing. But there was this little gem that vomited from the mouth of Rep. Bob Badcoffee Goodlatte, who explained that re-restricting funding of abortion IS actually almost as important as investigating Benghazi because JOBS. That’s right, ladies! The clams are in your clam! “I would suggest that it is very much the case that those of us in the majority support this legislation because it is the morally right thing to do, but it is also very very true that having a growing population and having new children brought into the world is not harmful to job creation,” Goodlatte said at the committee mark-up of the bill. “It very much promotes job creation for all the care and services and so on that need to be provided by a lot of people to raise children.” Yes, you read that right. No, we are not making it up. Sure, you can borrow our barf bucket. Want to pretend to take this seriously for a minute and analyze this nonsense like a hungover college freshman struggling through a 10,000-word run-on Faulkner sentence? Tough, we’re going to do it anyway. Read more on GOP Rep. Goodlatte Knows Where The Jobs Are (They Are In Your Uterus)…
  let's have a war

How Will We End The War On The War On Women This Year?

This post is brought to you by our friends at EMILY’s List. 2013 was quite the year for the GOP and their never-ending fight to restrict reproductive rights. We saw House Republicans introduce their annual bill to strip funding from Planned Parenthood. Several state legislatures filed new “Targeted Regulation of Abortion Providers” or TRAP laws that are specifically designed to close the doors on women’s health clinics. Read more on How Will We End The War On The War On Women This Year?…