Afghanistan? Nah. Pakistan? No. Ocean City, Maryland? Bingo!

The bizarre story began Monday, when a man walked up to some Ocean City cops and said he was Osama bin Laden.

He was captured and dropped off at the local nut house. The shrinks set him loose Wednesday morning. “Osama” again drew the attention of police and then hopped in a car and sped away. They chased him, as cops will do, until he plowed into three cars at an intersection.

After the crash, “Osama” proved he was serious about terrorism by frantically waving a blender at police.

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It’s been a slow news week, so this morning I was all, like, OMG, do I really have to read the entire new Charles Krauthammer column in the Washington Post to eke out an item? Happily, no! All you have to do is get one line in to discover that in Krauthammerland there were no significant wars for, like, most of the 20th century:

1861. 1941. 2001. Our big wars — and the war on terrorism ranks with the big ones — have a way of starting in the first year of a decade. Supreme Courts, which historically have been loath to intervene against presidential war powers in the midst of conflict, have tended to give the president until mid-decade to do what he wishes to the Constitution in order to win the war.

Interesting opener, isn’t it? What about that war that had Loretta Swit and Alan Alda in it? I seem to remember that one got totally good ratings. And there was a later one, too, I’m pretty sure, and it had awesome guest stars like Tom Cruise and Christopher Walken and Martin Sheen. No? Pffft, Charles Krauthammer doesn’t want to hear about your girly wars. MORE »

• Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, al-Qaida leader, is killed in Iraq by a “precision airstrike”; Bush says it’s “a significant victory in the war on terror.” [AP]
• George H.W. Bush “waged a secret campaign over several months” to replace Rumsfeld with a “retired four-star general,” but the president held firm. [Salon]
• Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Pa.) exposes how Cheney played hardball with the Judiciary Committee. [NYT]
• Victory in California primary “settled Republicans nerves,” but the margin was slim and the campaign was expense. Ken Mehlman: “You see a lot of things that are bellwethers, and they indicate Republicans are in position to hold Congress.” Professor: “The fact that Busby got 15 points over Democratic registration, that should make Republicans nervous. It’s not that Bilbray won. This is a safe Republican seat. I was very surprised that $5 million doesn’t allow you to break 50 percent.” [WP, NYT, LAT, USAT]
• Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage fails to get 60 votes needed to end debate; roll calls ends with 49 yeas, 48 nays. Sen. Sam Brownback (R-Kan.): “We’re not going to stop until marriage between a man and a woman is protected… for the future of our children in this society.” [WP, NYT, USAT]
• FBI threatened to pick the lock of Rep. William Jefferson’s office when a Capitol Police official hesitated. [WP]

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• Under the Dome: Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn.) is named the “hottest woman in U.S. politics” by Politics1.com. . . Sens. Mary Landrieu (D-La.) and David Vitter (R-La.) plug New Orleans during “The Price is Right”. . . Sen. Sam Brownback (R-Kan.) wants to cut tariffs on duties on “padded potty seats,” “traveler padded-potty seats,” and “contoured padded-infant potty seats.” [The Hill]

• Reliable Source: Bushes invite relatives of those who died on Flight 93 to White House screening of “United 93.” [WP]
• Rush & Molloy: Condoleezza Rice rooted for “American Idol” Taylor Hicks. [NYDN]
• Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Jon Voight supports the war on terrorism: “This is a hideous, cunning, clever enemy who lives off a program of murderous thoughts.” [NYDN]

• Bush marks Memorial Day with vow to finish the wars to honor those who lost their lives: “I am in awe of the men and women who sacrifice for the freedom of the United States of America.” [NYT, WT]
• “Missing pieces” about Sen. Hillary Clinton: “What does she stand for? And where would she try to take the country if elected?” She says her philosophy “doesn’t perhaps fit in a preexisting box, but many of the problems we face as a nation don’t either.” [WP]
• Sen. Reid (D-Nev.) accepted free ringside boxing tickets from the Nevada Athletic Commission “as he was pressing legislation to increase government oversight of the sport.” Reid: “I’m not Goodie Two Shoes. I just feel these events are nothing I did wrong.” [WP]
• Both sides motivated by prospects for “Speaker Pelosi.” Republican strategist: “She ought to be a big component of the fall campaign. There are some Democrats who make really good bad guys.” [NYT]
• Trial of David Safavian will increase attention on Rep. Bob Ney (R-Ohio) because of the testimony of his former chief of staff. [NYT]
• Security concerns linger for electronic voting machines. [WP]

• At his confirmation hearing, Gen. Michael Hayden deflects specifics, defends NSA wiretapping, distances himself from Pentagon brass, and urges a focus on the future of the CIA: “It’s time to move past what seems to me to be an endless picking apart of the archaeology of every past intelligence success or failure.” [WP, NYT, NYT, WSJ]
• Senate votes 63 to 34 to make English the “national language”; vote continues “the conservative turn that a major overhaul of the nation’s immigration laws has taken since the Senate began debate this week.” [WP, NYT]
• Judiciary Committee approves constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage; Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Pa.) says “good riddance” to Sen. Russ Feingold (D-Wis.), who replies, “See ya.” [WP]
• Bush in Arizona: “It makes sense to use fencing along the border in key locations in order to do our job. We’re in the process of making our border the most technologically advanced border in the world.” [NYT, WSJ]
• BellSouth seeks a retraction from USA Today for “the false and unsubstantiated statements” about NSA phone logs. [WSJ]

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• Senate approves fences and barriers for the southern border as well as restrictions for the guest-worker program. Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.): “Good fences make good neighbors. Fences don’t make bad neighbors.” [WP, NYT, WSJ]
• New details about Gen. Michael Hayden’s “highly classified world” are “forcing lawmakers to reexamine a man many of them have known for years”; last-minute briefings to lawmakers on the Intelligence Committees “have smoothed what might have been a contentious path toward confirmation” and a declassified list shows select members were briefed 30 times on surveillance programs since 9/11. [WP, NYT, NYT, USAT, USAT, WSJ]
• Tuesday’s election results may preview a “brewing unrest that could threaten incumbents of both parties in the November elections”; a “broader disaffection” is noted. [WP, NYT]
• Bush echoes past campaign themes in speech at RNC fundraiser: “We are the party of the future, and our candidates will be running against the party of the past — a party that offers no new ideas like the Republican Party, a party that can only offer opposition.” [NYT]
• Sen. Judd Gregg (R-N.H.) says Bush is not appropriately funding the National Guard order: “A lot are going to be sitting in cars that don’t run and planes that don’t take off.” [USAT]
• House ethics committee opens investigations of Reps. Robert Ney (R-Ohio), William Jefferson (D-La.), and Randy Cunningham (R-Calif.). [WP, NYT]
• Lockheed Martin, Raytheon and Northrop Grumman are bidding for a multibillion-dollar contract to provide border security. [NYT]

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• Democrats are now more trusted than Republicans to handle every key issue, according to new WP-ABC News poll; 69% believe the nation is “off track” and 56% want Democrats to win control of Congress yet 52% say Democrats “have not offered a sharp contrast to Bush and the Republicans.” [WP]
• House Republicans hold back the Senate’s advancement of immigration proposals. House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio): “I understand what the president’s position is. I have made it pretty clear that I have supported the House position.” Cheney, meanwhile, reassures Rush Limbaugh: “[W]here appropriate, fences or security barriers make good sense.” [WP, NYT, USAT]
• White House pledges to brief more lawmakers about anti-terrorism efforts. [WP]
• Verizon denies that it provided phone logs to the NSA. [NYT, USAT]

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• Bush, seeking a “rational middle ground” on immigration to rescue his second term, announces the deployment of 6,000 National Guard troops to the southern border; Karl Rove indicates that Bush supports the Senate’s immigration plan. Bush: “We do not yet have full control of the border, and I am determined to change that.” [WP, NYT, USAT, WSJ]
• Immigration issue could go from “opportunity to expand the Republican Party” to a “historic liability”; Bush sought to “define the middle ground in a debate where consensus has been difficult.” 74% of Americans, in poll conducted before the presidential address, supported the use of Guard troops on the border. [WP]
• BellSouth denies “any link” with the NSA for the logging of phone calls; USA Today stands by its story. [USAT, NYT, WSJ]
• Pentagon releases the full list of those detained at Guantanamo Bay after the Associated Press files a FOIA request. [AP]
• Rove is optimistic for the GOP’s chances in November: “Look, we’re in a sour time. I readily admit it. I mean, being in the middle of a war where people turn on their television sets and see brave men and women dying is not something that makes people happy and optimistic and upbeat. But I’m absolutely confident [that] we’re going to be just fine in the fall elections.” [WP]
• Emergency spending bill has yet to be slimmed to Bush’s specifications. [WP]

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• “Bipartisan uproar” erupts over the depth and legality of the NSA’s monitoring of domestic calls; Bush defends surveillance activities, saying, “Our efforts are focused on links to al-Qaeda and their known affiliates.” [WP, NYT, USAT, WSJ]
• Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Pa.) may subpeona phone company executives; Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif.): “I believe we are on our way to a major constitutional confrontation on Fourth Amendment guarantees of unreasonable search and seizure.” [WP, USAT, USAT]
• Senate leaders reach compromise on immigration; legislation could hit the floor next week. [NYT]
• Senate approves $70B tax plan by vote of 54 to 44. [WP, NYT, USAT]
• Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.): “Impeachment is off the table.” [WP]

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A Muslim beer stein? MORE »