We do not know too much about Jesus literature. What kind of monstrously fucked-up prude porn is in the King James Bible that grants it — and it alone, out of EVERY ITEM EVER MADE — a stay from this North Carolina church’s Hell-o-ween holocaust? Maybe it’s the action scenes. MORE »

Yesterday’s Washington Post tackled the awkward question many Americans face every time they go to the mall: Why do 11-year-old girls dress like such sluts? Does it have to do with the Internet, which Brian Williams called “a cultural Wild West” during last night’s debate? Or maybe it has something to do with, let’s see… THE DARK LORD SATAN? If you’re inclined to believe the Christian Broadcasting Network, which we’re not, Lucifer is definitely picking out preteen wardrobes these days — especially on Halloween. MORE »

Sweet Ares! We’ve been so caught up covering the conservatives’ Wars on Islamo-Fascism and Anti-Christmas and the liberals’ War on Butter Cow that we missed the most famous nebulous socio-political media war of all: The War on Halloween! Fortunately the Christian Broadcasting Network has an entire Internet section devoted to this, so we can easily play catch up right quick. (Hint: They think Lucifer is behind it.) MORE »