Wonkette

Godless liberals have declared war on Boxing Day, the beloved post-Christmas hangover celebrated in the UK and all the colonies that were too lazy to take up arms against them. In Canada, Boxing Day is a day of charity… and great savings! Stores across the frozen north open their doors and slash their prices, and everyone in Canada briefly forgets the unceasing misery of their gray, bland lives.

But some guys don’t like to help Canadians shop the pain away. Some guys forget that Canada is a Christian Nation, and Christian Nations know a deal when they see one.

Learn about these Boxing Day Warriors, after the jump.

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Now we’re officially scraping the bottom of the holiday news barrel, because we’re going to invoke that goddamned National Zoo baby panda we hate so much, Sun Myung Moon or whatever it’s called. MORE »

On the off chance anybody is working in DC today, here’s something to do that’s more work-safe than cruising Casual Encounters: an hourlong video about Washington’s Favorite Newspaper Publisher and King of the Universe, the Reverend Sun Myung Moon! MORE »

* Walnuts McCain promised to kill himself if the GOP lost in November; he’s sadly still alive [The Right's Field]
* Just kidding about the Draft! But even though we’ll never have a Draft, we’re just going to make sure everything’s in place for the Draft. [Prison Planet, Cryptogon]
* Fuck you and your cause, hippie — I’m trying to enjoy the War On Christmas! [The Divine Invasion]
* White Christmas expected in Australia … where’s it’s summer. Suck it, Gore! [Tim Blair]
* The Daily Show hates on Republicans 98% of the time & Democrats 96% of the time. Suck it, Bush! [Reason Hit & Run]
* Japan captures, kills Giant Squid. [Reuters Video]
* Christian church holds Winter Solstice ceremony, Jesus weeps. [Witch Vox]

Governor Jim Doyle doesn’t love Festivus this year. While Wisconsin’s governor used to love the holiday so much that he distributed a picture of himself standing by the Festivus Pole, the racist antics of one-time Seinfeld star what’s-his-name, Kramer, has spoiled the joyful season. MORE »

New Hampshire’s North Carolina’s 8th District congressman has a winning plan for Iraq: Convert all the Muslims to Christianity! In the past, only a few brave public intellectuals such as Ann Coulter have offered this only obvious solution to our 3-1/2 year bloodbath occupation of Iraq, so it is a proud moment for America that Rep. Robin Hayes is the first politician to deal seriously with our disastrous war.

The only way to make Iraq stable enough for the U.S. to withdraw is by “spreading the message of Jesus Christ, the message of peace on earth, good will towards men. Everything depends on everyone learning about the birth of the Savior.”

Now this is a real war on Christmas. We’ve got the actual newspaper article, after the jump.

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Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today’s Cartoons.

Hark! The herald … oh, you know what? Fuck it. Just fuck it. This is going up the Friday afternoon before Christmas. None of you assclowns in D.C. are near your computers; most of you are drinking heavily to numb the hurt in your soul before you have to go back to the sticks, face the family, and explain to them why you can’t do something socially useful, like your brother-in-law the taxidermist. Those few of you who are actually doing paid work are outgoing Republican staffers, shredding like hell one feverish step in front of the indictments.

Yet Cartoon Violence is still here to guide you through a confusing cross-hatched landscape. This week, we take a penetrating look at how the scribblers of the editorial funnies have been drafted into the liberal media’s overarching war on Christmas. The following cartoons take on the hallowed traditions that we hold so dear in this season of joy and then crap on them.

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All hail Wisconsin’s brave governor, Jim Doyle, who poses here with his handsome and totally unadorned Festivus Pole. Sadly, his political career is now over. MORE »

Many thanks to our nice sponsors, who fight the War On Christmas on the shores of YouTube while you enjoy their products: MORE »

Behold, the Virgin Mary Cheney Nativity Scene prophesied in last week’s Cartoon Violence. And you laughed so! MORE »

While god-crazy American politicians are taking two weeks off to get drunk and IM young boys, our atheistic friends in Britain are looking towards the Future — a future of rat-brained self-aware robotic service workers and soldiers who will likely organize and demand “human” rights by 2056. MORE »