Tag Archives: war on christmas

  it's the most wonderful time of the year

New Mexico Teacher Helps Make ‘Santa Is White’ Official Stupidest Meme For Christmas 2013

Thanks to a 9th-grade teacher in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, America now has its Official Stupidest Meme for the 2013 holiday season. Megyn Kelly’s teevee contribution to the idiocy was certainly the first and loudest, but an unnamed teacher at Cleveland High School gave “Don’t you know Santa Claus is white?” its definitive real-world test drive last week, mocking (ironically?) an autistic black kid wearing a Santa hat & beard to school. As far as we’re concerned, that’s all the tipping point needed: 2013 is now the Year Of White Santa. Now let’s all go make some children cry! Read more on New Mexico Teacher Helps Make ‘Santa Is White’ Official Stupidest Meme For Christmas 2013…
  all we want for christmas is everything

Help Us Feel All Grifty This Christmas With This Gorgeous Sarah Palin Gold Coin

If you know us at all, you know what big fans we are of Sarah Palin. Her folksiness speaks to us. She’s just so down home, which is what we love in a Fox News personality/ex-politician/scam artist. You also likely know that we are really really big believers in the gold standard because of our deep love for Ron Paul and our unexplained yet rabid dislike of the Federal Reserve. That’s why this 24-karat one ounce gold Sarah Palin coin is so high on our Christmas list. Read more on Help Us Feel All Grifty This Christmas With This Gorgeous Sarah Palin Gold Coin…
  with the swearing and the hurting and the tinsel

Deleted Comments Of The Day: You Trashy Racist Bitchsluts Need To Say ‘Merry Christmas’ Or Else

Looks like it’s time for another trip to the ol’ comment queue, that purgatory where comments submitted by new users must cool off until we deem them worthy of inclusion in the Wonkette Community (bribery can help). Our first missive comes from “Sam_Gavurin,” who was not at all pleased with our story about fake “War On Christmas” stories. Sam_Gavurin sent two important messages, the first being an all-caps “C H MERRY I S T M A S ! !” which we think may be some kind of concrete poem or something. The second made his point a bit more explicitly: If you miserable “Politically Correct ” killjoys want to abstain from CHRISTMAS, that’s fine with me! But DO NOT ruin CHRISTMAS for the rest of us. If you killjoys hate CHRISTMAS so much, move to a communist country, and leave us alone! MERRY CHRISTMAS! Since neither of the items in the actual story actually involved anyone attempting to ruin, abolish, or otherwise harm Christmas — except maybe the fascists of Orange County who don’t allow Christmas lights strung across a public road, because zoning/safety — we will have to assume that Sam_Gavurin just wanted to drop by and remind us of our holiday travel options. And a cheery Festivus to you, too, Sam_Gavurin! Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: You Trashy Racist Bitchsluts Need To Say ‘Merry Christmas’ Or Else…
  o little town of bugtussle

Oklahoma Legislature Will Save Christmas From Whoever Keeps Doing War On Christmas

Don’t worry, Christians! The brave and smart members of the Oklahoma Legislature are working on saving the Sacred Baby Festival from all those pagans and liberals and secular humanists who are trying to ban Christmas forever, just like they made sure that no one can ever forget that the 10 Commandments exist. They’ve introduced two “Oklahoma Merry Christmas bills” that would protect Christmas, apparently in the belief that the scary bearded atheists in Chick tracts are real people, haw-haw. The bills, HB2316 and HB 2317, would “permit school districts to display on school property scenes or symbols associated with traditional winter celebrations,” which seems like awfully non-Jesusy language for laws aiming to protect The Only Holiday That Matters (plus Hanukkah, according to the sponsors). Before you know it, some weirdo will sneak in Saturnalia or the Winter Solstice, and also too Oklahoma will be overrun with Druids Read more on Oklahoma Legislature Will Save Christmas From Whoever Keeps Doing War On Christmas…
  do you fear what i fear?

The War On Christmas Just Got Surreal With This Screaming Nightmare Fuel Ad (Updated)

So here’s some high-octane Nightmare Fuel — you may want to remove any kids from the room before viewing — from something calling itself “St. Mary’s At Large.” The ad’s producers claim it has been airing on MSNBC and Fox News in the New York/New Jersey region. In it, a vaguely Burl-Ives-ish voice intones, “This is Amy. She lives in America. She’s free to smile to show she’s happy. Everyone’s OK with this. Amy is a Christian. She’s also free to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ to show she’s happy. But not everyone is OK with this. We are one nation under God. No man owns Amy’s happiness, and no man will define how she shows it” And then “Amy” screams (it could be dubbed in), and giggles, as an ornament behind her falls and shatters. Oh, and as we learn that “Amy” is a Christian and not everyone is OK with that, “Amy” turns her head and we see that her face has a couple of cuts on it — or maybe that’s jam.  This is the most thoroughly WTF ad we’ve seen since a strange Minnesota man stepped out of a lake holding a coffee cup. But at least that one didn’t end with a sudden piercing scream. Why are the atheists beating Amy for being a Christian? Will this ad truly “end the war on Christmas” as the producer hopes? Will someone please wash the jam/makeup off Amy’s face? Read more on The War On Christmas Just Got Surreal With This Screaming Nightmare Fuel Ad (Updated)…
  Stop aborting plastic Jesus

Sarah Palin Dumbsplains To Lamestream Media That ‘A Plastic Jewish Family’ Is The Reason For The Season

Terrible news from the frontlines of the War on People Who Refuse to Believe There is a War on Christmas Because There Is Not Actually a War on Christmas. Apparently, according to Sarah Palin, who knows all about it because she hired someone to ghostwrite a book for her on this very subject, lawyered-up atheists and the lamestream media are trying to abort Jesus. Plus also too something about Thomas Jefferson: Palin said Jefferson would likely agree that secularists had set their sights on destroying the religious themes in Christmas celebrations. “He would recognize those who would want to try to ignore that Jesus is the reason for the season, those who would want to try to abort Christ from Christmas,” she said. “He would recognize that, for the most part, these are angry atheists armed with an attorney. They are not the majority of Americans.” Palin said there was a double standard that protected atheists at the expense of the religious. “Why is it they get to claim some offense taken when they see a plastic Jewish family on somebody’s lawn — a nativity scene, that’s basically what it is right?” she said. “Oh, they take such offense, though. They say that it physically even can hurt them and mentally it distresses them so they sue, right?” Yup, Thomas Jefferson, “having spent his summers here, having spent influential years here, two miles away from Liberty University,” (founded by Jerry Falwell in 1971, but pffft, details) would probably definitely agree with everything Sarah Palin says. You just can’t argue with an airtight fact like that. Read more on Sarah Palin Dumbsplains To Lamestream Media That ‘A Plastic Jewish Family’ Is The Reason For The Season…
  all we want for christmas is everything

Please Buy Us This Artificial Hymen So We Can Be Pure Again

Back in October, we were buying our full-length gown and our corsages and our tiaras and our matching dyed satin pumps so that we could be all ready for this year’s 14th Annual Daddy-Daughter Purity Ball. Excitement! And way more fun than real prom with its groping and drinking and general carousing. But then we realized that we lacked a key ingredient for our special day: an intact hymen. How could we show god, our dad, and the world that we were truly pure if we were lacking a completely arbitrary flap of skin? What would our future husband think if he learned that we’d lost our hymen by doing the junior varsity football team riding horseback? Read more on Please Buy Us This Artificial Hymen So We Can Be Pure Again…
  a little more talk and a lot less action

In 2014, GOP Tries New Tactic Of Not Being Dickish To Women, Again

Hey ladies. 2014 is around the corner, and that means that more GOP candidates will be mansplaining to you about how you shouldn’t be raped illegitimately and that military boys will be rapey boys so shut your mouth and make a goddam sammich. But this time around, the GOP wants to win over the Ovary-American vote. Not through legislation around equal pay or the ability to make decisions about their bodies, because that’s just silly. No, the GOP wants to learn its candidates to talk more better to the ladies, per Politico: The National Republican Congressional Committee wants to make sure there are no Todd Akin-style gaffes next year, so it’s meeting with top aides of sitting Republicans to teach them what to say — or not to say — on the trail, especially when their boss is running against a woman. In Merica, where 54% of the electorate are vagina-Americans, the majority of the House of Representatives needs to hold classes on how not to insult women. If this isn’t American Exceptionalism, we don’t know what is. Let’s sexplore.  Read more on In 2014, GOP Tries New Tactic Of Not Being Dickish To Women, Again…
  deck the halls with bogus folly

Hero Christmas Defenders Besiege School After Fox Runs Fake ‘War On Christmas’ Story

OMG you guys, did you hear about the school in Georgia that’s so bent on removing any trace of Christianity that it forced kids and teachers to take down the Christmas cards that they used to put up in the school hallways? It’s really terrible, better call that school and give ‘em a piece of your mind! And so, after Fox Radio Christmas Panic Expert Todd Starnes announced “Georgia School Confiscates Christmas Cards” Tuesday, brave defenders of Jesus’ birthday inundated Brooklet Elementary School in Bulloch County, Georgia, with angry calls and emails — it probably helped that, good journalist that he is, Starnes included the school’s webpage in the first line of his story. All that vitriol really came as a surprise to Brooklet principal Marlin Baker, who hadn’t confiscated any Christmas cards at all. What actually happened was that the school moved a poster in the hall where teachers usually hang their family Christmas cards. One of the school’s teachers was concerned about privacy, so the poster was moved from the hall to the faculty workroom. Neither Starnes nor Fox News contacted the school to verify their story about rampant Christmas card censorship, and the rest of the school is loaded with the usual festive detritus you’d expect in an elementary school. Still, something was moved, and the Internet Outrage Machine was already activated. Bet that Starnes feels pretty silly now, huh? Read more on Hero Christmas Defenders Besiege School After Fox Runs Fake ‘War On Christmas’ Story…
  merry christmas screw you

NRCC Pretty Much Full Of Liberals As Recently As 2010, According To NRCC

As we noted in our earlier dispatch from the front lines in the War on Christmas, the National Republican Congressional Committee quickly sold out its entire stock of festive seasonal t-shirts. On the front, the shirts say “‘Happy Holidays’ is what liberals say,” and on the back, there’s a jolly “MERRY CHRISTMAS!” plus an implied, “GODDAMNIT!” Read more on NRCC Pretty Much Full Of Liberals As Recently As 2010, According To NRCC…
  o little town of rancho santa margarita

Today’s War On Christmas Casualties: Lights In Orange County, T-Shirts What Are All Sold

Rally the troops and calibrate your reindeer-seeking missiles — War On Christmas 2013 is well under way. First up, we have this panicked report from Todd “The Feds will outlaw the Bible as Hate Speech” Starnes, who wants us to know that a neighborhood in Orange County, California, has been ordered to take down every single one of their Christmas lights* and they have to bow down to a graven image of Obama, too. Starnes quotes one homeowner’s plaintive summary of the human rights atrocity unfolding on American soil: “It’s horrible what they are doing to us and these poor kids,” one homeowner told television station KTLA. The children! Won’t someone please think of the children? Prominent in the KTLA report but barely mentioned in Starnes’ blog: The code violation is that the neighbors have strung lights from one house to another, and across the street, which, yes, would be a code violation. Because if one of the houses in the neighborhood catches fire or a toddler chokes on figgy pudding, it would be nice if emergency vehicles didn’t have to contend with low-hanging strings of electric lights, right? Stupid nanny state, thinking of the children that way. Thanks a lot, Obamacare. Read more on Today’s War On Christmas Casualties: Lights In Orange County, T-Shirts What Are All Sold…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, our weekly collection of cranky crap that wasn’t worth a full post, but was too incandescently stoopid to ignore altogether. First up, Bryan Fischer told all his followers on Twitter today to go read this shocking billion-word exposé of what Teh Ghey is really all about, as explained by Ronald G. Lee, a Catholic gay guy who discovered that for all the talk of gay marriage, and for that matter, of “gay culture,” the only thing really going on among gay people is constant promiscuous sex and porn. He has even discovered the perfect metaphor to explain this indisputable science fact: When he was a grad student in Austin, he went to Lobo’s, a “gay” bookstore that had “gay” fiction and poetry, “gay” memoirs, and books about the “gay rights” movement in the front of the store (happily, he mostly gives up the scare quotes after the first couple paragraphs), but the back of the store, in “a section not visible from the street” was where the real money got made, because that’s where all the porn was. And all that stuff in the front was just a façade, but a vital façade (metaphor time here!): Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze…
  commercialism at christmas makes baby jesus cry

Sarah Palin To Celebrate Poor Hippie Socialist Jew’s Birthday By Not Finishing Tour To Sell Her Crappy Book

With Halloween behind us, there is a crisp, fresh feeling in the air. The kind of feeling that can only mean one thing: time to start capitalizing on other people’s deeply held religi-political beliefs to rake in boatloads of cash. Up in the sky, with a sleigh being pulled by flying caribou, is our favorite half-time grifter, the Original GILFster herself, Sarah Palin, per Politico: Next Tuesday, the former vice presidential candidate will embark on a 15-city tour to promote her new book, “Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas.” Wonkette places the odds of her completing the book tour at 47%.  Read more on Sarah Palin To Celebrate Poor Hippie Socialist Jew’s Birthday By Not Finishing Tour To Sell Her Crappy Book…
  cindy lou who can suck it

Tennessee Mayor Steals Toys For Tots’ Christmas Funds, Jing Tinglers, Floo Floopers, & Even Roast Beast

Greenbrier, Tennessee, Mayor Billy Wilson was arrested Monday and charged with theft for stealing funds from the city’s Toys for Tots charity. At press time, the whereabouts of the town’s supply of Tar Tinkers, Who Hoovers, Gar Ginkers and Slu Slumkers could not be ascertained, although it is thought that Wilson may have already sold a valuable Who Carnio Flunx on ebay for several thousand dollars. Read more on Tennessee Mayor Steals Toys For Tots’ Christmas Funds, Jing Tinglers, Floo Floopers, & Even Roast Beast…
  #waronchristmas

Bryan Fischer: Founders Wrote Christmas Into Constitution In Invisible Ink Only Bryan Fischer Can See

Bryan J. Fischer, the issues director of the good ol’ American Family Association, who has many interesting Thoughts on interesting Topics, has some airtight logic for us, and that is that if the Founders did not want a Christianist theocracy, then why did they put a date on the Constitution, HENGGHHHHH? Did Bryan J. Fischer just BLOW your MIND???? Read more on Bryan Fischer: Founders Wrote Christmas Into Constitution In Invisible Ink Only Bryan Fischer Can See…
  my kingdom for an icepick

Your Ears Appear To Be Lacking In Blood. Let’s Fix That By Listening To Sarah Palin Read Her Christmas Audiobook!

Are you ready to defend Christmas … WITH YOUR LIFE? Then lay it down here, by letting your brain explode and dribble out your earholes along with all the head blood what used to be in your head. So … much … blood. But how would you explode your own brain and earholes? By listening to Sarah Palin read from her forthcoming book, Good Tidings and Great Joy, about the hilarious times her family had playing the “Dirty Santa” ripoff “Let’s All Be Racist About Eskimos.” In this selection, Palin explains, seemingly without irony, that “Let’s All Be Racist About Eskimos” is the only time they encouraged their kids to be greeeeedy, which might be the funniest thing you’ll hear all day! Read more on Your Ears Appear To Be Lacking In Blood. Let’s Fix That By Listening To Sarah Palin Read Her Christmas Audiobook!…
  and we'll all be fun when johnny comes marching home

Hallmark’s Ugly Sweater Ornament Does War On Christmas, Wingnuts OK With It Because Some Gays Complained

An early squirmish in the War On Christmas has erupted over an ornament sold by Hallmark; the ornament depicts a traditional Ugly Christmas Sweater with lines from “Deck the Halls” on it, but “Don we now our gay apparel” has been changed to “Don we now our FUN apparel.” A few people rolled their eyes and complained on the company’s FaceSpace page, noting that the change seemed a kind of douchey. The Blaze includes some samples, including this inflammatory Politically Correct madness: “Hallmark: It’s okay to be gay, you don’t need to rewrite Christmas carol lyrics.” American Patriarchy Association spokesweirdo Bryan Fischer tweeted a link to the story, describing the kerfuffle as The bully bigots of Big Gay committing a hate crime, going after Hallmark over sexual orientation Sure, that’s just how we read it too! Read more on Hallmark’s Ugly Sweater Ornament Does War On Christmas, Wingnuts OK With It Because Some Gays Complained…
  the forever war

Tennessee State Sen. Stacey Campfield Saves Christmas From Nonexistent Threats

Tennessee State Senator and inaugural nominee for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award Stacey Campfield must have been worried that we’d forgotten all about him, so he’s introduced legislation that protects the sacred right of teachers and students to say “Merry Christmas” in public schools. “This stops all these silly lawsuits that say you can’t say ‘merry Christmas’ or ‘happy Hanukkah’ or have a Christmas tree,” said Campfield, R-Knoxville, who has pre-filed SB1425 for consideration by the General Assembly in 2014. Campfield was unable to actually identify a single case of a lawsuit being filed over what the bill calls “traditional greetings” during “winter celebrations,” but says that he knows people who are “afraid of lawsuits,’ possibly because they, like Campfield, are idiots who have convinced themselves that Christians in Tennessee are a persecuted minority. Read more on Tennessee State Sen. Stacey Campfield Saves Christmas From Nonexistent Threats…
  It's Ok Because My Black Friend Told Me Once

Wisconsin Pol: Why Do We Care About Kwanzaa When It Wasn’t Even on The Cosby Show?

Do you yearn for a time when the day after Christmas was all about throwing your useless wrapping paper into the man-made canal behind your house, instead of marking the beginning of the white, leftist holiday of Kwanzaa with a ceremonial dangling of the American flag inches above a lit Kinara? Wisconsin State Senator Glenn Grothman does too, which is why he’s thrown together a little press release with his fancy, newfangled “pen and paper” to ask the important question, “Why Must We Still Talk About Kwanzaa?” Read more on Wisconsin Pol: Why Do We Care About Kwanzaa When It Wasn’t Even on The Cosby Show?…
  the war on the war on metaphor

Your Year In Wars On Women, Religion, Christmas, Various Aspects Of Reality

Haha, you thought this Warblog would be about actual military things? Way too depressing! Instead, we are going to look at some of the various meth-a-phorical battles, assaults, squirmishes, and whoop-te-doos of the year past, like when Republicans had a war on women and Fox News said nuh-uh, ’cause it was phony, and the real problem was the liberal war on Christmas, and Obama’s war on coal…and religion…and fossil fuels… and fast food… and you get the idea, Jon Stewart did that thing already. But still, lots of wars, is what we’re saying! Read more on Your Year In Wars On Women, Religion, Christmas, Various Aspects Of Reality…