Tag Archives: war on christmas

  lies from the pit of heaven

Texas Veterans Hospital Looking Forward To Its Death Threats Over Fox News’s Dumb ‘No Merry Christmas Cards’ Lie

Here is a funny story, but it will probably not be funny to the Texas veterans hospital that is doubtless going to be the next institution to get a whole bunch of Good Christian Death Threats due to Fox News’s pathological inability not to tell shitty and easily disproven “War on Christmas” lies: Fox News is claiming that a group of angelic children is Sad because they were not allowed to distribute their Jesusy “Merry Christmas” cards to a group of hospitalized veterans who could surely use the little pick-me-up of knowing there are children out there who Care. But — would you believe???!!1! — buried deep in its own story, Fox News explains that this is a dumb lie! And that no such anti-Christmas policy exists! You will be shocked to learn that angry parents are running to Fox News to report on their oppression just as fast as their Hoverounds can carry them, and that the inimitable Todd Starnes is there to lead the pitchforks. Read more on Texas Veterans Hospital Looking Forward To Its Death Threats Over Fox News’s Dumb ‘No Merry Christmas Cards’ Lie…
  have a herpy derpy christmas

Derp Roundup: Special Christmas Edition

Happy Sacred Baby Festival to all you Wonkers! Hope you’ve had as much festivity as you can handle, and perhaps more.* And now, for some Happy Holiderp: a roundup of seasonal stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a whole post of their own. We recommend that you treat it like dollar-store eggnog: add enough liquor, and you just won’t mind the taste anymore. Our first tale of Christmas cheer comes from Lake City, Florida, where the Columbia City Seventh-Day Adventist Church had a “drive through Nativity” scene with more than just a manger. It also depicted other parts of the Gospel accounts, like King Herod’s slaughter of the Innocents — the attempt to knock off Baby Jesus by killing all boys under the age of two. A local mom complained that the display, with decapitated dolls and fake blood everywhere, left her two-year-old daughter seriously freaked out: “as we pulled up further, they were depicting decapitating babies and that happened to be on the side of the vehicle that my 2 year old was on and it was very traumatic for her she started crying and screaming because of the baby and it took me hours to calm her down.” Hey, it’s in the Bible, so it’s suitable for all ages, lady. You have a problem with the Bible? Extra points to the doofus local teevee reporter for describing the display as “historically accurate,” but all points lost for their not including any video of the actual display. No photos appear to be online either, so instead we’ll just link to an appropriate song. Read more on Derp Roundup: Special Christmas Edition…
  intercontinental ballistic mistletoe

House GOP Resolution Will Send Arms to Christmas, Authorize First Strike On ‘Happy Holidays’

The House of Representatives — we thought they went home, for godssakes! — is considering a nonbinding resolution that “strongly disapproves of attempts to ban references to Christmas.” This vital bit of stance-taking allows its 36 co-sponsors — including two Democrats, so bipartisan! — to make it clear to the American public that they are utterly opposed to the widespread perception that someone, somewhere, is banning Christmas. Because while it’s not really happening in any systematic way, they certainly wouldn’t want their constituents to think they were for it, after all. Read more on House GOP Resolution Will Send Arms to Christmas, Authorize First Strike On ‘Happy Holidays’…
  bipartisan-curious

Rand Paul Wars On Christmas With Festivus Grievance Tweets

As if it weren’t bad enough that the right has turned “Merry Christmas” into a shibboleth, now they’re trying to co-opt Festivus.* Senator Rand Paul (R-Galt’s Gulch) announced yesterday that he would be tweeting his very own “airing of grievances” for fun and publicity, and so of course we are compelled to indulge him. Strangely, the nine fulltime employees of Twitchy found this something worth promoting, rather than part of the War On Christmas. There are rules on this, and if Rand Paul wants to have fun with a show about liberal New York Jews who mock the values of Real America, it’s funny, by god. Read more on Rand Paul Wars On Christmas With Festivus Grievance Tweets…
  all we want for christmas is everything

Follow The Always Sound Voice Of Rob Ford This Christmas And Give Us A Pile Of Money

It will come as no surprise that we are looking to Rob Ford for a lot of advice this holiday season. Whether it be knocking down coworkers on camera (again, sorry Dok!) or threatening to kill someone with our bare hands, Rob Ford has been there to guide us each step of the way. And now, we look to Rob for guidance on what we should ask for from you people for Christmas. Read more on Follow The Always Sound Voice Of Rob Ford This Christmas And Give Us A Pile Of Money…
  at least it's not 'white santa' again

‘National Report’ Writes Fake War-On-Christmas Story, Hilarious Real Threats Phoned In To Real School

Our satirical pals at the National Report, whose idea of satire is to write up fake news stories that contain few hints as to their fakeness — because satire does not have to be “funny” — have achieved another epic bit of trolling. About a week ago, they ran a fictitious story about a 9-year-old being suspended from school for saying “Merry Christmas” to an atheist teacher. And for that special bit of verisimilitude, they gave their fictitious school a name that was conveniently close to the name of a real school in San Francisco, ha-ha! The story was about “Argon Elementary School in San Francisco, CA,” and as it happens, if you search “Argon Elementary School in San Francisco,” one of the top results is Argonne Elementary School in San Francisco. The National Report story has since been changed, renaming the school as “Anon Elementary School,” which is pretty darn funny right there. But once the story hit the wingnuttosphere — as it was designed to do — the switchboard at the real school was flooded with angry calls from at least 75 angry defenders of Christmas — including some threats of violence against the nonexistent teacher, not to mention a lot of angry emails and angry letters to the real principal. Hey, just harmless fun, and an excellent reminder to not believe what you read online, so it’s a public service! We’re kind of hoping that Argonne Elementary and the San Francisco School District can find a way to bill National Report for the extra security they had to call in following the hoax. That would make us laugh, big time. Read more on ‘National Report’ Writes Fake War-On-Christmas Story, Hilarious Real Threats Phoned In To Real School…
  all we want for christmas is everything

Make Sure We Never Forget Coffee Or Benghazi With These Practical And Stylish And Stackable Mugs

As we get closer to the actual day of our Lord’s birth — yeah, we went there! Merry Christmas Jesus Birthday, America! None of this mealy-mouthed “Happy Holidays” for us, dammit — we’ve been thinking a lot about what we’re grateful for. Oh wait, that’s Thanksgiving. This is Christmas. We’ve been thinking a lot about presents, because that is what Jesus cared most about — stacking fat wads of cash and gifts under the Christmas tree. Read more on Make Sure We Never Forget Coffee Or Benghazi With These Practical And Stylish And Stackable Mugs…
  you want a present don't you?

Radio Wingnut Neal Boortz Dreaming Of A White MLK

Libertarian annoyance Neal Boortz, filling in as host of the Herman Cain radio show (which is an actual thing), added his fair-taxed two cents to the Great Santa Is White Stupid Foofaraw of 2013 Monday, explaining that 1) Santa is, yes, a white Caucasian European-American honky, and 2) Because shut up, he just is, all right? We’ve got another eight days of this crap, folks, and it is apparently here for the duration. But it’s at least a little different from the usual screaming idiocy of the War on Christmas, so there’s that. Read more on Radio Wingnut Neal Boortz Dreaming Of A White MLK…
  it's the most wonderful time of the year

New Mexico Teacher Helps Make ‘Santa Is White’ Official Stupidest Meme For Christmas 2013

Thanks to a 9th-grade teacher in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, America now has its Official Stupidest Meme for the 2013 holiday season. Megyn Kelly’s teevee contribution to the idiocy was certainly the first and loudest, but an unnamed teacher at Cleveland High School gave “Don’t you know Santa Claus is white?” its definitive real-world test drive last week, mocking (ironically?) an autistic black kid wearing a Santa hat & beard to school. As far as we’re concerned, that’s all the tipping point needed: 2013 is now the Year Of White Santa. Now let’s all go make some children cry! Read more on New Mexico Teacher Helps Make ‘Santa Is White’ Official Stupidest Meme For Christmas 2013…
  all we want for christmas is everything

Help Us Feel All Grifty This Christmas With This Gorgeous Sarah Palin Gold Coin

If you know us at all, you know what big fans we are of Sarah Palin. Her folksiness speaks to us. She’s just so down home, which is what we love in a Fox News personality/ex-politician/scam artist. You also likely know that we are really really big believers in the gold standard because of our deep love for Ron Paul and our unexplained yet rabid dislike of the Federal Reserve. That’s why this 24-karat one ounce gold Sarah Palin coin is so high on our Christmas list. Read more on Help Us Feel All Grifty This Christmas With This Gorgeous Sarah Palin Gold Coin…
  with the swearing and the hurting and the tinsel

Deleted Comments Of The Day: You Trashy Racist Bitchsluts Need To Say ‘Merry Christmas’ Or Else

Looks like it’s time for another trip to the ol’ comment queue, that purgatory where comments submitted by new users must cool off until we deem them worthy of inclusion in the Wonkette Community (bribery can help). Our first missive comes from “Sam_Gavurin,” who was not at all pleased with our story about fake “War On Christmas” stories. Sam_Gavurin sent two important messages, the first being an all-caps “C H MERRY I S T M A S ! !” which we think may be some kind of concrete poem or something. The second made his point a bit more explicitly: If you miserable “Politically Correct ” killjoys want to abstain from CHRISTMAS, that’s fine with me! But DO NOT ruin CHRISTMAS for the rest of us. If you killjoys hate CHRISTMAS so much, move to a communist country, and leave us alone! MERRY CHRISTMAS! Since neither of the items in the actual story actually involved anyone attempting to ruin, abolish, or otherwise harm Christmas — except maybe the fascists of Orange County who don’t allow Christmas lights strung across a public road, because zoning/safety — we will have to assume that Sam_Gavurin just wanted to drop by and remind us of our holiday travel options. And a cheery Festivus to you, too, Sam_Gavurin! Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: You Trashy Racist Bitchsluts Need To Say ‘Merry Christmas’ Or Else…
  o little town of bugtussle

Oklahoma Legislature Will Save Christmas From Whoever Keeps Doing War On Christmas

Don’t worry, Christians! The brave and smart members of the Oklahoma Legislature are working on saving the Sacred Baby Festival from all those pagans and liberals and secular humanists who are trying to ban Christmas forever, just like they made sure that no one can ever forget that the 10 Commandments exist. They’ve introduced two “Oklahoma Merry Christmas bills” that would protect Christmas, apparently in the belief that the scary bearded atheists in Chick tracts are real people, haw-haw. The bills, HB2316 and HB 2317, would “permit school districts to display on school property scenes or symbols associated with traditional winter celebrations,” which seems like awfully non-Jesusy language for laws aiming to protect The Only Holiday That Matters (plus Hanukkah, according to the sponsors). Before you know it, some weirdo will sneak in Saturnalia or the Winter Solstice, and also too Oklahoma will be overrun with Druids Read more on Oklahoma Legislature Will Save Christmas From Whoever Keeps Doing War On Christmas…
  do you fear what i fear?

The War On Christmas Just Got Surreal With This Screaming Nightmare Fuel Ad (Updated)

So here’s some high-octane Nightmare Fuel — you may want to remove any kids from the room before viewing — from something calling itself “St. Mary’s At Large.” The ad’s producers claim it has been airing on MSNBC and Fox News in the New York/New Jersey region. In it, a vaguely Burl-Ives-ish voice intones, “This is Amy. She lives in America. She’s free to smile to show she’s happy. Everyone’s OK with this. Amy is a Christian. She’s also free to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ to show she’s happy. But not everyone is OK with this. We are one nation under God. No man owns Amy’s happiness, and no man will define how she shows it” And then “Amy” screams (it could be dubbed in), and giggles, as an ornament behind her falls and shatters. Oh, and as we learn that “Amy” is a Christian and not everyone is OK with that, “Amy” turns her head and we see that her face has a couple of cuts on it — or maybe that’s jam.  This is the most thoroughly WTF ad we’ve seen since a strange Minnesota man stepped out of a lake holding a coffee cup. But at least that one didn’t end with a sudden piercing scream. Why are the atheists beating Amy for being a Christian? Will this ad truly “end the war on Christmas” as the producer hopes? Will someone please wash the jam/makeup off Amy’s face? Read more on The War On Christmas Just Got Surreal With This Screaming Nightmare Fuel Ad (Updated)…
  Stop aborting plastic Jesus

Sarah Palin Dumbsplains To Lamestream Media That ‘A Plastic Jewish Family’ Is The Reason For The Season

Terrible news from the frontlines of the War on People Who Refuse to Believe There is a War on Christmas Because There Is Not Actually a War on Christmas. Apparently, according to Sarah Palin, who knows all about it because she hired someone to ghostwrite a book for her on this very subject, lawyered-up atheists and the lamestream media are trying to abort Jesus. Plus also too something about Thomas Jefferson: Palin said Jefferson would likely agree that secularists had set their sights on destroying the religious themes in Christmas celebrations. “He would recognize those who would want to try to ignore that Jesus is the reason for the season, those who would want to try to abort Christ from Christmas,” she said. “He would recognize that, for the most part, these are angry atheists armed with an attorney. They are not the majority of Americans.” Palin said there was a double standard that protected atheists at the expense of the religious. “Why is it they get to claim some offense taken when they see a plastic Jewish family on somebody’s lawn — a nativity scene, that’s basically what it is right?” she said. “Oh, they take such offense, though. They say that it physically even can hurt them and mentally it distresses them so they sue, right?” Yup, Thomas Jefferson, “having spent his summers here, having spent influential years here, two miles away from Liberty University,” (founded by Jerry Falwell in 1971, but pffft, details) would probably definitely agree with everything Sarah Palin says. You just can’t argue with an airtight fact like that. Read more on Sarah Palin Dumbsplains To Lamestream Media That ‘A Plastic Jewish Family’ Is The Reason For The Season…
  all we want for christmas is everything

Please Buy Us This Artificial Hymen So We Can Be Pure Again

Back in October, we were buying our full-length gown and our corsages and our tiaras and our matching dyed satin pumps so that we could be all ready for this year’s 14th Annual Daddy-Daughter Purity Ball. Excitement! And way more fun than real prom with its groping and drinking and general carousing. But then we realized that we lacked a key ingredient for our special day: an intact hymen. How could we show god, our dad, and the world that we were truly pure if we were lacking a completely arbitrary flap of skin? What would our future husband think if he learned that we’d lost our hymen by doing the junior varsity football team riding horseback? Read more on Please Buy Us This Artificial Hymen So We Can Be Pure Again…