Tag Archives: war on christmas

  Have yourselves a very Fox News Christmas

Sarah Palin Literally Phones It In To Fox’s All American Christmas ‘Special’

Guys. GUYS. This is basically the best thing that ever happened. Todd Starnes, Fox News Radio host and one of the world’s greatest defenders of Conservative Tax-cutting Gun-toting Jesus, celebrated the birth of our lord (Jesus, not Ronald Reagan) with a singing and dancing and totally not gay at all spectacular All-American Christmas Special. And it is SO the best. Why, just look at these ladies celebrating Jesus in their aprons, probably about to make some sammiches as the good lord intended! Read more on Sarah Palin Literally Phones It In To Fox’s All American Christmas ‘Special’…
  God save us every one

New Congress Hero Saves Christmas From MUUUURDER, Amen

Republican Barry Loudermilk of Georgia is not even in Congress yet, and already, he just might be our favorite congressional wingnut. He believes all the right things: Obamacare is THE WORST, except for the IRS, which is also the worst; unborned fetuses and guns are THE BEST; and YAY values and God and the Bible, oh, and the Constitution too, and boo Hollywood. Yup, we expect great things from this new member of Congress. Read more on New Congress Hero Saves Christmas From MUUUURDER, Amen…
  A Loofah Under Every Tree

How is Bill O’Reilly Ruining Christmas This Year?

Fuck this guy. Seriously, fuck this guy.
Gather ’round, Wonketeers, because today we’re dropping not one but two Bill O’Reilly-shaped turds in yr stockings — it’s a Festivus miracle! We begin with O’Reilly’s remarks on Late Night with Seth Meyers. Read more on How is Bill O’Reilly Ruining Christmas This Year?…
  The Forever War On Christmas

Hero Michigan Legislator Will Save Baby Jesus From Satan, Stuffed Snake

That's pretty festive
In Lansing, Michigan, pearls were clutched and couches were fainted upon when the First Amendment performance artists at the Satanic Temple announced they’d be setting up a holiday display at the Capitol building. As usual, the Satanic Temple folks submitted their application for a display after another group announced plans for a nativity scene. But the first group’s nativity plans fell through, which would have left only the Satanic Temple’s display, an offense against everything that America stands for, according to state Sen. Rick Jones, who took to Facebook to announce that this Satanic Non-Christmas will not stand, man. In a message that has now been replaced by an update, Jones christsplained: Read more on Hero Michigan Legislator Will Save Baby Jesus From Satan, Stuffed Snake…
  No Atheists In Fox Holes

Santa Evicted From Public School, One Dad Plus Fox News Very Upset

Iwo Tannenbaum
With all the torture and police brutality and Republicans taking over Congress, we were worried that the War on Christmas just might not come this year. Thankfully, though, just like Santa soaring through the fog, led by a Claymation reindeer, it’s finally arrived, and Fox News’s Todd Starnes will get to open up his brightly wrapped box of butthurt under the Kwanzaa Tree after all. Read more on Santa Evicted From Public School, One Dad Plus Fox News Very Upset…
 

Make These Criminally Good NSFW Gingerbread Cookies

Here is your holiday gingerbread cookie recipe, one I am ever so glad to present. Gingerbread is a cookie that tells you exactly who it is while it bakes because the aroma is very specific and recognizable. “It smells like Christmas in here,” is what people say about your achievement. They mean it in a good way, and it makes you proud. Read more on Make These Criminally Good NSFW Gingerbread Cookies…
  Isn't It Iconic? A Little Too Iconic.

Will Fox News Accuse Ferguson Of Doing War On Christmas?

2014 America in one photo
Just a quick question for Todd Starnes and Bill O’Reilly: Would this photo be better or worse if the sign said “Merry Christmas”? Our guess: If Fox News does mention this sign, one of the resident Professionally Oppressed Christians will argue that perhaps Ferguson brought some of the misery on itself. If only they’d reminded the young hotheads — the rioters, of course, not the dudes firing tear gas willy nilly — that Jesus is the Reason for the Season, they’d have calmed down and gone home. We can almost guarantee we will see someone claim that in all sincerity. Read more on Will Fox News Accuse Ferguson Of Doing War On Christmas?…
  Onward Judeo-Christian Soldiers

Bill O’Reilly Will Fight All The Muslims In The War On Christmas

Seems it comes earlier every year
It’s that time of year again. The first snows are falling, the college kids are planning their trips home for Thanksgiving break, and the calls for impeaching the president are stretching into their sixth year. And so, it it time for the festive celebration of the War On Christmas, that annual ritual where Bill O’Reilly and all of Fox News protect the rights of Christians to scream “Merry Christmas — NOT HAPPY HOLIDAYS!” in the name of the Prince of Peace. Read more on Bill O’Reilly Will Fight All The Muslims In The War On Christmas…
  Figgy Pudding In August

Kirk Cameron’s War On Christmas Gets Earlier And Earlier Every Year

And keep Sol in Sol Invictus!
Just as America’s scruffy secularists had Christmas tied to the railroad tracks so they could kill it once and for all, Kirk “Banana Man” Cameron is riding to the rescue with a movie called “Saving Christmas,” which will rescue the wildly popular holiday and its $600 billion in retail sales from almost certain extinction. Glenn Beck’s Home For Culture War Snits reports that Cameron expects the movie to make atheists really mad and bummed out: Read more on Kirk Cameron’s War On Christmas Gets Earlier And Earlier Every Year…
  the best of the worst

All Hail State Legislative Sh*tmuffin Of The Year, Tennessee Senator Stacey Campfield!

A big congratulatory rubber-gloved handshake to Tennessee state Sen. Stacey Campfield, our inaugural winner of the Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award, State Legislator Division. And indeed, who more fitting than the very man who inspired the creation of the award? And so we doff our leather kitten headgear to you, Insert Name Here Stacey Campfield, for outstanding achievement in the field of trying to make life miserable for the people of State Tennessee. Read more on All Hail State Legislative Sh*tmuffin Of The Year, Tennessee Senator Stacey Campfield!…
  remember: it's not in the constitution

You Got Your God In My Government: The Year In ChurchState

Way to go, America! Looks like we got through one more year without becoming a Handmaid’s Tale theocracy, being taken over by sharia law, or rounding up all the Christians and putting them in FEMA camps, so all in all, we’d have to say the state of Church and State is as contentious as ever. The biggest Establishment Clause case that the SCOTUS has heard in a while, Town of Greece v. Galloway, won’t have a decision until 2014. In that case from New York, the town council is being sued for opening meetings with an invocation, almost exclusively given by Christian ministers — the Court has previously ruled that invocations at public meetings are OK as long as they aren’t specifically sectarian, and the current case will determine the lawfulness of Greece’s very Jesus-y opening prayers. The possibility that a discussion of pothole repairs might be kicked off by merely invoking “the almighty” instead of “Christ our Savior” led the Southern Baptists to warn that a ruling against Greece would be pretty much the same as forcing all Americans to be Unitarians. And if that happens, there’s just no telling whether there will be enough coffee to go around. Read more on You Got Your God In My Government: The Year In ChurchState…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compost Heap Of Cretins And Creeps

Would you believe it’s the final Derp Roundup of 2013? This is where we bring you the virtual melon rinds and coffee grounds of stories that didn’t quite earn a full post of their own, but were too stoopid to ignore altogether. We find they go down a lot easier if you’re heavily anaesthetized — if you can’t find alcohol, a couple whacks with a large cartoon mallet may do the job. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compost Heap Of Cretins And Creeps…
  lies from the pit of heaven

Texas Veterans Hospital Looking Forward To Its Death Threats Over Fox News’s Dumb ‘No Merry Christmas Cards’ Lie

Here is a funny story, but it will probably not be funny to the Texas veterans hospital that is doubtless going to be the next institution to get a whole bunch of Good Christian Death Threats due to Fox News’s pathological inability not to tell shitty and easily disproven “War on Christmas” lies: Fox News is claiming that a group of angelic children is Sad because they were not allowed to distribute their Jesusy “Merry Christmas” cards to a group of hospitalized veterans who could surely use the little pick-me-up of knowing there are children out there who Care. But — would you believe???!!1! — buried deep in its own story, Fox News explains that this is a dumb lie! And that no such anti-Christmas policy exists! You will be shocked to learn that angry parents are running to Fox News to report on their oppression just as fast as their Hoverounds can carry them, and that the inimitable Todd Starnes is there to lead the pitchforks. Read more on Texas Veterans Hospital Looking Forward To Its Death Threats Over Fox News’s Dumb ‘No Merry Christmas Cards’ Lie…
  have a herpy derpy christmas

Derp Roundup: Special Christmas Edition

Happy Sacred Baby Festival to all you Wonkers! Hope you’ve had as much festivity as you can handle, and perhaps more.* And now, for some Happy Holiderp: a roundup of seasonal stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a whole post of their own. We recommend that you treat it like dollar-store eggnog: add enough liquor, and you just won’t mind the taste anymore. Our first tale of Christmas cheer comes from Lake City, Florida, where the Columbia City Seventh-Day Adventist Church had a “drive through Nativity” scene with more than just a manger. It also depicted other parts of the Gospel accounts, like King Herod’s slaughter of the Innocents — the attempt to knock off Baby Jesus by killing all boys under the age of two. A local mom complained that the display, with decapitated dolls and fake blood everywhere, left her two-year-old daughter seriously freaked out: “as we pulled up further, they were depicting decapitating babies and that happened to be on the side of the vehicle that my 2 year old was on and it was very traumatic for her she started crying and screaming because of the baby and it took me hours to calm her down.” Hey, it’s in the Bible, so it’s suitable for all ages, lady. You have a problem with the Bible? Extra points to the doofus local teevee reporter for describing the display as “historically accurate,” but all points lost for their not including any video of the actual display. No photos appear to be online either, so instead we’ll just link to an appropriate song. Read more on Derp Roundup: Special Christmas Edition…
  intercontinental ballistic mistletoe

House GOP Resolution Will Send Arms to Christmas, Authorize First Strike On ‘Happy Holidays’

The House of Representatives — we thought they went home, for godssakes! — is considering a nonbinding resolution that “strongly disapproves of attempts to ban references to Christmas.” This vital bit of stance-taking allows its 36 co-sponsors — including two Democrats, so bipartisan! — to make it clear to the American public that they are utterly opposed to the widespread perception that someone, somewhere, is banning Christmas. Because while it’s not really happening in any systematic way, they certainly wouldn’t want their constituents to think they were for it, after all. Read more on House GOP Resolution Will Send Arms to Christmas, Authorize First Strike On ‘Happy Holidays’…
  bipartisan-curious

Rand Paul Wars On Christmas With Festivus Grievance Tweets

As if it weren’t bad enough that the right has turned “Merry Christmas” into a shibboleth, now they’re trying to co-opt Festivus.* Senator Rand Paul (R-Galt’s Gulch) announced yesterday that he would be tweeting his very own “airing of grievances” for fun and publicity, and so of course we are compelled to indulge him. Strangely, the nine fulltime employees of Twitchy found this something worth promoting, rather than part of the War On Christmas. There are rules on this, and if Rand Paul wants to have fun with a show about liberal New York Jews who mock the values of Real America, it’s funny, by god. Read more on Rand Paul Wars On Christmas With Festivus Grievance Tweets…
  all we want for christmas is everything

Follow The Always Sound Voice Of Rob Ford This Christmas And Give Us A Pile Of Money

It will come as no surprise that we are looking to Rob Ford for a lot of advice this holiday season. Whether it be knocking down coworkers on camera (again, sorry Dok!) or threatening to kill someone with our bare hands, Rob Ford has been there to guide us each step of the way. And now, we look to Rob for guidance on what we should ask for from you people for Christmas. Read more on Follow The Always Sound Voice Of Rob Ford This Christmas And Give Us A Pile Of Money…
  at least it's not 'white santa' again

‘National Report’ Writes Fake War-On-Christmas Story, Hilarious Real Threats Phoned In To Real School

Our satirical pals at the National Report, whose idea of satire is to write up fake news stories that contain few hints as to their fakeness — because satire does not have to be “funny” — have achieved another epic bit of trolling. About a week ago, they ran a fictitious story about a 9-year-old being suspended from school for saying “Merry Christmas” to an atheist teacher. And for that special bit of verisimilitude, they gave their fictitious school a name that was conveniently close to the name of a real school in San Francisco, ha-ha! The story was about “Argon Elementary School in San Francisco, CA,” and as it happens, if you search “Argon Elementary School in San Francisco,” one of the top results is Argonne Elementary School in San Francisco. The National Report story has since been changed, renaming the school as “Anon Elementary School,” which is pretty darn funny right there. But once the story hit the wingnuttosphere — as it was designed to do — the switchboard at the real school was flooded with angry calls from at least 75 angry defenders of Christmas — including some threats of violence against the nonexistent teacher, not to mention a lot of angry emails and angry letters to the real principal. Hey, just harmless fun, and an excellent reminder to not believe what you read online, so it’s a public service! We’re kind of hoping that Argonne Elementary and the San Francisco School District can find a way to bill National Report for the extra security they had to call in following the hoax. That would make us laugh, big time. Read more on ‘National Report’ Writes Fake War-On-Christmas Story, Hilarious Real Threats Phoned In To Real School…
  all we want for christmas is everything

Make Sure We Never Forget Coffee Or Benghazi With These Practical And Stylish And Stackable Mugs

As we get closer to the actual day of our Lord’s birth — yeah, we went there! Merry Christmas Jesus Birthday, America! None of this mealy-mouthed “Happy Holidays” for us, dammit — we’ve been thinking a lot about what we’re grateful for. Oh wait, that’s Thanksgiving. This is Christmas. We’ve been thinking a lot about presents, because that is what Jesus cared most about — stacking fat wads of cash and gifts under the Christmas tree. Read more on Make Sure We Never Forget Coffee Or Benghazi With These Practical And Stylish And Stackable Mugs…
  you want a present don't you?

Radio Wingnut Neal Boortz Dreaming Of A White MLK

Libertarian annoyance Neal Boortz, filling in as host of the Herman Cain radio show (which is an actual thing), added his fair-taxed two cents to the Great Santa Is White Stupid Foofaraw of 2013 Monday, explaining that 1) Santa is, yes, a white Caucasian European-American honky, and 2) Because shut up, he just is, all right? We’ve got another eight days of this crap, folks, and it is apparently here for the duration. But it’s at least a little different from the usual screaming idiocy of the War on Christmas, so there’s that. Read more on Radio Wingnut Neal Boortz Dreaming Of A White MLK…