Tag Archives: war on christmas

  Biggest Christian Ever. Just The Best

Donald Trump Bravely Says ‘Christmas,’ Even In Alabama

Donald Trump meets an anchor baby
Donald Trump meets an anchor baby While he was in Alabama getting white people excited this weekend, Donald Trump took a few minutes to assure an Alabama radio show host that nobody — NOBODY — will be a greater President of Christmas than Donald J. Trump. Trump told host Cliff Sims Friday that he actually goes out of his way to say “Christmas,” despite the many dangers of doing so, because, as he explained, “I’m a big believer in the Bible,” a book Trump has recently made a point of saying is even better than Trump’s The Art of the Deal, by Donald Trump, which must make it a pretty terrific book, although he has yet to refer to any of its contents. Read more on Donald Trump Bravely Says ‘Christmas,’ Even In Alabama…
  Money money money

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Why Did Jesus Send Us To Collections, Mommy?

PAY UP. Welcome back, sinners. It’s time once again for the Snake Oil Bulletin! We would like to take this time to remind our readers that unless you’ve paid your monthly $7.99 readers’ fee, in addition to keeping up on your annual $150 membership fee to our 2 Smart 4 Scammers Club, and thrown in a couple extra bucks towards Donna Rose’s college fund while you’re at it, you are forbidden to read this week’s edition of the Snake Oil Bulletin. We tried to erect a paywall like some sort of real newspaper, but we can’t afford to build that paywall unless you pay us the money to keep you away from our content! Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Why Did Jesus Send Us To Collections, Mommy?…
  Surprisingly Free Of Nazi Analogies

Fox Starts War On Christmas In August. Take That, Global Warming!

The War on Christmas is already here in August, according to Fox & Friends host Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who seems to have forgotten that Bill O’Reilly won the War on Christmas last year. Maybe this is one of those mopping-up-insurgents things, because Hasselbeck informs us, with much solemnity, that the city of Belen, New Mexico, has been warned that its year-round nativity scene violates the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment. But is Mayor Jerah Cordova going to just comply with some dumb letter from the Freedom from Religion Foundation? Of course not! Because, you see, Belen is Spanish for “Bethlehem,” and the nativity scene is therefore not a religious display but a historical monument, commemorating events that didn’t exactly happen in New Mexico, but who said a historical monument has to depict actual events from the area? Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln never set foot in South Dakota, after all. (We haven’t researched it, but we bet Teddy Roosevelt probably did — and killed something while he was there.) Read more on Fox Starts War On Christmas In August. Take That, Global Warming!…
  just kidding they're all racist assholes

Wingnuts React To Charleston Church Shooting With Thoughtful Gravitas We’ve Come To Expect

Unlike wingnuts, that ugly dog is actually lovable.
Our headline is a flat-out lie. Wednesday night in Charleston, a white gunman identified as Dylann Storm Roof allegedly sat and prayed with black churchgoers at a bible study for an hour, and then opened fire, killing nine people, including the pastor, Clementa Pinckney, who was also a South Carolina state senator. As he continued to shoot, a survivor reports that Roof said, “I have to do it. You rape our women and you’re taking over our country. And you have to go.” Unless this particular church has a reputation for raping our women and taking over our country, that sure sounds like a hate crime, and we don’t mean against Christians. Read more on Wingnuts React To Charleston Church Shooting With Thoughtful Gravitas We’ve Come To Expect…
  wtf?

Republicans Actually Say Out Loud They Are Not Loyal To America, To Pollsters, With Their Mouths

Just plain sad
After all these years of hearing So. Much. BULLSHIT! about Barack Obama — he’s a secret Muslim, he’s a secret Kenyan, he’s a cokehead, he’s a gay, he’s the devil, he’s the anti-christ, he’s Hitler, he’s a this that the other thing ARGGGHHHH! — we have no right to be shocked anymore by anything any Republicans say or do to let us know just how much they hate the president. Read more on Republicans Actually Say Out Loud They Are Not Loyal To America, To Pollsters, With Their Mouths…
  Have yourselves a very Fox News Christmas

Sarah Palin Literally Phones It In To Fox’s All American Christmas ‘Special’

Guys. GUYS. This is basically the best thing that ever happened. Todd Starnes, Fox News Radio host and one of the world’s greatest defenders of Conservative Tax-cutting Gun-toting Jesus, celebrated the birth of our lord (Jesus, not Ronald Reagan) with a singing and dancing and totally not gay at all spectacular All-American Christmas Special. And it is SO the best. Why, just look at these ladies celebrating Jesus in their aprons, probably about to make some sammiches as the good lord intended! Read more on Sarah Palin Literally Phones It In To Fox’s All American Christmas ‘Special’…
  God save us every one

New Congress Hero Saves Christmas From MUUUURDER, Amen

Republican Barry Loudermilk of Georgia is not even in Congress yet, and already, he just might be our favorite congressional wingnut. He believes all the right things: Obamacare is THE WORST, except for the IRS, which is also the worst; unborned fetuses and guns are THE BEST; and YAY values and God and the Bible, oh, and the Constitution too, and boo Hollywood. Yup, we expect great things from this new member of Congress. Read more on New Congress Hero Saves Christmas From MUUUURDER, Amen…
  A Loofah Under Every Tree

How is Bill O’Reilly Ruining Christmas This Year?

Fuck this guy. Seriously, fuck this guy.
Gather ’round, Wonketeers, because today we’re dropping not one but two Bill O’Reilly-shaped turds in yr stockings — it’s a Festivus miracle! We begin with O’Reilly’s remarks on Late Night with Seth Meyers. Read more on How is Bill O’Reilly Ruining Christmas This Year?…
  The Forever War On Christmas

Hero Michigan Legislator Will Save Baby Jesus From Satan, Stuffed Snake

That's pretty festive
In Lansing, Michigan, pearls were clutched and couches were fainted upon when the First Amendment performance artists at the Satanic Temple announced they’d be setting up a holiday display at the Capitol building. As usual, the Satanic Temple folks submitted their application for a display after another group announced plans for a nativity scene. But the first group’s nativity plans fell through, which would have left only the Satanic Temple’s display, an offense against everything that America stands for, according to state Sen. Rick Jones, who took to Facebook to announce that this Satanic Non-Christmas will not stand, man. In a message that has now been replaced by an update, Jones christsplained: Read more on Hero Michigan Legislator Will Save Baby Jesus From Satan, Stuffed Snake…
  No Atheists In Fox Holes

Santa Evicted From Public School, One Dad Plus Fox News Very Upset

Iwo Tannenbaum
With all the torture and police brutality and Republicans taking over Congress, we were worried that the War on Christmas just might not come this year. Thankfully, though, just like Santa soaring through the fog, led by a Claymation reindeer, it’s finally arrived, and Fox News’s Todd Starnes will get to open up his brightly wrapped box of butthurt under the Kwanzaa Tree after all. Read more on Santa Evicted From Public School, One Dad Plus Fox News Very Upset…
 

Make These Criminally Good NSFW Gingerbread Cookies

Here is your holiday gingerbread cookie recipe, one I am ever so glad to present. Gingerbread is a cookie that tells you exactly who it is while it bakes because the aroma is very specific and recognizable. “It smells like Christmas in here,” is what people say about your achievement. They mean it in a good way, and it makes you proud. Read more on Make These Criminally Good NSFW Gingerbread Cookies…
  Isn't It Iconic? A Little Too Iconic.

Will Fox News Accuse Ferguson Of Doing War On Christmas?

2014 America in one photo
Just a quick question for Todd Starnes and Bill O’Reilly: Would this photo be better or worse if the sign said “Merry Christmas”? Our guess: If Fox News does mention this sign, one of the resident Professionally Oppressed Christians will argue that perhaps Ferguson brought some of the misery on itself. If only they’d reminded the young hotheads — the rioters, of course, not the dudes firing tear gas willy nilly — that Jesus is the Reason for the Season, they’d have calmed down and gone home. We can almost guarantee we will see someone claim that in all sincerity. Read more on Will Fox News Accuse Ferguson Of Doing War On Christmas?…
  Onward Judeo-Christian Soldiers

Bill O’Reilly Will Fight All The Muslims In The War On Christmas

Seems it comes earlier every year
It’s that time of year again. The first snows are falling, the college kids are planning their trips home for Thanksgiving break, and the calls for impeaching the president are stretching into their sixth year. And so, it it time for the festive celebration of the War On Christmas, that annual ritual where Bill O’Reilly and all of Fox News protect the rights of Christians to scream “Merry Christmas — NOT HAPPY HOLIDAYS!” in the name of the Prince of Peace. Read more on Bill O’Reilly Will Fight All The Muslims In The War On Christmas…
  Figgy Pudding In August

Kirk Cameron’s War On Christmas Gets Earlier And Earlier Every Year

And keep Sol in Sol Invictus!
Just as America’s scruffy secularists had Christmas tied to the railroad tracks so they could kill it once and for all, Kirk “Banana Man” Cameron is riding to the rescue with a movie called “Saving Christmas,” which will rescue the wildly popular holiday and its $600 billion in retail sales from almost certain extinction. Glenn Beck’s Home For Culture War Snits reports that Cameron expects the movie to make atheists really mad and bummed out: Read more on Kirk Cameron’s War On Christmas Gets Earlier And Earlier Every Year…