• Bank of America lost $1 billion—and your Wonkette editor’s debit card!!—in the third quarter. [New York Times]
• Do not read this, keep thy heart pure: Boy in the Balloon? Likely a publicity stunt. [New York Times]
• A weak dollar is good news for things that are made here and exported elsewhere. This is an important news article from a city’s major newspaper. [Los Angeles Times]
• The FDA would prefer that everyone not buy the powerful Swine Flu Antidote on the Internet for all the regular reasons buying drugs on the Internet, without telling your doctor, might be unwise. [CNN]
• A 6.1 magnitude earthquake hit Jakarta this morning and you know quite frankly everyone there is a bit sick of the earthquakes at this point. [CNN]
• UN Human Rights Council endorsed a report in which both Hamas and Israel were accused of war crimes in Gaza. [Guardian]

George Bush, what a meanie! He failed to pardon such blameless white-collar criminals as Michael Milken and Jeffrey Skilling, he did nothing for the innocent bear-rape scribe Scooter Libby, and most importantly, he did not issue any sort of blanket protection to the many steaming turds in his administration who cooked up elaborate torture schemes, for America. What gives? MORE »

Dennis Kucinich has just one day left before George W. Bush leaves office, FOREVER. He has tried to impeach Bush, repeatedly, but so far it hasn’t “taken.” Will Kucinich finally be able to impeach this goon today as part of Barack Obama’s national day of service? Probably not! But Feral House has published a Memorial Document of his quest, called The 35 Articles of Impeachment and the Case for Prosecuting George W. Bush. It includes an essay explaining how you can impeach somebody even after they’ve left office. So … maybe George W. Bush will be pursued by impeachment’s foul and far-reaching taint even after he has fled beyond the reach of extradition, to Dallas. [Top of the Ticket]

And aren’t we going to miss this guy, Mr. Richard Cheney? Here’s your “vice” president talking about his proudest moment: Authorizing the anti-American and unconstitutional torture of terror suspect. The 9/11 attacks didn’t “change” him, they just made him more right about everything! [ABC News]

Some liberal group of liberals produced a fake edition of the New York Times revealing all the wonderful things that will happen once hippies rule the world, next July. The evil corporate Harvard Business School will close forever; George Bush will be tried for war crimes; and the Patriot Act will be repealed by a 99-1 vote, with only a drunken Jon Kyl dissenting. Jesus, reading this thing is like crawling in Medea Benjamin’s brain. Come join us in a tour of this bleeding-heart masturbation pamphlet. MORE »

Once upon a time John Ashcroft was widely regarded as the worst Attorney General ever, until Alberto Gonzales came along and showed America what a truly terrible Attorney General looked like. And then the news came about Gonzales and some other henchmen going to visit Ashcroft on his deathbed to sign some thing or other, and Ashcroft was like, “Eat a dick, Al,” which temporarily endeared him to the 400 Democrats who care about this stuff. The point is, some dude is auctioning off a glass that Ashcroft once drank out of … and the contents are included. MORE »

Attention spendy Republicans: for just $1000 you can hang out with President Bush at the Connecticut home of evil old war criminal Henry Kissinger next weekend. And for an extra $10,000, you can even get your picture taken with the proud alcoholic bunny-humper who currently runs our nation. MORE »

The pagan nation of Iowa pooped emphatically on the glorious political legacy of Karl Rove when University of Iowa students booed the great leader at a speech this weekend. Rove was paid $40,000 in exchange for tolerating a rain of invective that did not end until he glopped his pasty carcass off the stage. MORE »

“They [the source's institution] have ‘instructions’ (yes, that was the word used) from the Office of the Vice-President to roll out a campaign for war with Iran in the week after Labor Day; it will be coordinated with the American Enterprise Institute, the Wall Street Journal, the Weekly Standard, Commentary, Fox, and the usual suspects. It will be heavy sustained assault on the airwaves, designed to knock public sentiment into a position from which a war can be maintained. Evidently they don’t think they’ll ever get majority support for this–they want something like 35-40 percent support, which in their book is ‘plenty.’” [New Yorker]

Only 14% of you ungrateful Americans appreciate the hard work of Our U.S. Congress, yet the Senate continues to do the hard work that makes this country so stupid. MORE »

We’re not historians like the previous winner of the coveted Churchill award, “300″ director Victor Davis Hanson, but didn’t Winston win his war? Because we’re pretty sure Rumsfeld lost every war, and that he also started all those wars, which would make him the natural choice for the less-prestigious Hitler Award. MORE »