Nancy Pelosi sweeps from the upper right corner in stealth and drops seven buckets of napalm on Pete Hoekstra, a martyr. But just before Pete passes, as the fire consumes his eyes, he grabs Texas Rep. John Culberson by his tattered lapels. “I… I want you to take this back, to my family,” Hoekstra whispers to Culberson — his comrade, his Brother — and hands him a BlackBerry. “It is… locked… you have to press… star + send… what?… no no no…. ’send,’ I said… the little green telephone button… no, you have to press… press them simultaneously… there you go… now you must Twitt…” He dies. But Culberson knows. [Twitter]

Republican Congressman Pete Hoekstra’s hiding under his desk in the dark, smoky House chamber, chewing on some rocks. It’s 2008. The boys are locked in, demanding their freedom, their birthright, to pass insane offshore drilling legislation during a Congressional vacation. Mean old Nancy Pelosi and a few other Democrat Socialists hover overhead in pods, firing mortars and dropping paint cans of napalm, everywhere, to suppress the revolt… but they must keep fighting, because Andrew Sullivan wants them to or whatever. [Twitter]

Here’s more of John McCain making a damn ruckus over Iran. He truly believes that the United States must do whatever it can — use all available options! — to ensure Iran counts all votes in its domestic presidential election. (And it also needs to ensure that Ahmadinejad loses, regardless of how the votes play out. Democracy!) Just remember, again, that if WALNUTS! were president right now, you would be dead, regardless of age, as all Americans would have been shipped out to fight in the wars in Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, China, Russia, Spain, France, Mexico, “Africa,” Spain again, North Korea, Greece, Italy, Nazi Germany, the Carolinas, and Neptune. [MSNBC]

It Is Back: Screen on the Green is back! DCers were devastated when it was canceled.  There were riots in the streets, people were twittering like mad, there may have been hearings on Capitol Hill, and who knows what other displays of unnecessary emotion all due to the demise of an outdoor film festival, even though the entire economy IS ON THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE.  But all the bitching, complaining, and crying paid off, because IT’S BACK! MORE »

Nomadic “lightning rod conservative” pundit Bill Kristol sees your North Korea and raises you a BOMB NORTH KOREA. Bomb what? Where? What in North Korea? Just bomb it? Yes! UPDATE: Oh look Sara already posted about this! Well this video is bigger. [Media Matters via Matt Yglesias]

Man, our Monday news is just such a bummer! You got your lost French airliner, your dead abortion doctor, a venerable car-maker going bankrupt, and now the Republicans have quit shouting “racist bigot” at the nation’s first Hispanic Supreme Court nominee, so there is pretty much nothing fun or funny to talk about today. Thankfully, Bill Kristol is still around for laughs. MORE »

While you hamburger sacks may conceive of Memorial Day as little more than a free 24-hour session of experimental masturbation R&D, it is actually a “memorial” to those Americans, throughout our History, who have laid down their lives in the service of the King. Your Wonkette would like to thank and honor The Troops past and present, in Mexico and Afghanistan, in Vietnam and Cambodia VIETNAM. Because as notable American word-writer Peggington Noonington opines today, the U.S. hasn’t celebrated any brave war heroes since the strife of the Sixties. (She offers no mention of two of the most popular Americans in America right now, Colin Powell and David Petraeus; perhaps she had imbibed too much Alckoholl.) Let us quote her words and hope that one day, George Washington shall be worthy to our hobbits anew. MORE »

Oh hey has everyone seen that GQ article by the perpetually awesome Robert Draper about how completely insane the Defense Department went under the crazed leadership of lilliputian despot Donald Rumsfeld? GOOD GOLLY, as Rumsfeld would say. MORE »

Just like children, catch phrases continue to age long after they quit being cute. And so it was with “Mission Accomplished,” a banal phrase on a banner strung up behind old what’s-his-name on that day, six years ago, when he dressed up like a space-pilot action figure and was flown in a little plane which landed on a big boat. We’ve all learned a lot since then, maybe. MORE »

JESUS CHRIST Republicans get away with everything when it comes to Warring, hmm? Barack Obama and Bob Gates raised defense spending by 4%, or $20 billion, for the new budget, but made cuts to missile defense programs — that would exist only so Sarah Palin could pretend that she’s shooting down Putin’s flying dick from outer space — and killed $140 billion in F-22 RAPTOR DEATH PLANE contractor looting schemes. The “new money” will be focused on Iraq and Afghanistan. And yet this has all been parlayed rather easily, on the teevee, into, “Why is Barack Obama not giving the Pentagon a single dollar, and why does he want to lose more wars?” [Washington Monthly, TPM]

Now that George W. Bush’s war secretary, Robert Gates, is making cuts in missile defense spending, he is officially a San Francisco liberal who wants America to get bombed — nuclear bombed, like on 9/11. Do you want to get 9/11ed again? asks the Heritage Foundation’s new movie, 33 Minutes, where a bunch of old farts say that Iran and North Korea will nuke us with ICBMs in 33 minutes if we make these missile defense spending cuts. The music is scary, very scary, and somewhat Muslin-sounding in the beginning, as we look at New York City. 9/11. [Heritage Foundation via Spencer Ackerman]