Tag Archives: war

  war

Lindsey Graham Promises To Be Butchest, Scariest President EVER!

Nope.
Dignified and genteel Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Other Southern White Guys) announced today that he will be seeking to lose the presidential election to Hillary Clinton, and he has two messages for US Americans: 1. He is the toughest, most badassed dude in the race, and all the foreigns are terrified of him; and 2. He is The Moderate Candidate who will bring Americans together, after our eight-year nightmare with the divisive Kenyan Socialist Commie named B. Hussein Obama. Read more on Lindsey Graham Promises To Be Butchest, Scariest President EVER!…
  Bombs away!

House Republicans Find Billions Of Dollars Under Couch Cushions, Will Spend It On War

You know how we do not have any money? And we are drowning in debt? And we should abolish the IRS and the Department of Education and repeal all healthcare and privatize Social Security and “fix Medicaid” by killing it dead so we can drown the U.S. government in a bathtub? And Arizona Sen. Jeff Flake is real concerned that we spend a whopping $135k a year to quarantine cocoa plants so they do not die from disease and infestation and we do not run out of chocolate, and that’s a horrible waste of taxpayer dollars, and that’s why we’re so broke? Read more on House Republicans Find Billions Of Dollars Under Couch Cushions, Will Spend It On War…
  Yay Alan Keyes found something to do

Alan Keyes’ Army Of One Will Declare WAR On Gay-Marrying Supreme Court, Time To Panic!

Surely this man is not crazy.
Poor Alan Keyes. He just cannot get over things. He knows his arch-nemesis Barack Obama (who probably would be hard-pressed to remember Keyes’ name) is out there, making sweet love to our enemies in Iran, so that they may bomb America, together. That keeps him awake at night. And he can’t stop thinking about that time, during the GOP primary debate when he was “running for president,” that he derp-barfed the word “RACIST!” when the moderator asked him about his biggest regret. But sometimes life’s earlier pains and struggles must be put aside, because a new war must be declared. Yes, the new enemies are the gays and their Supreme Court-enablers. If Alan Keyes does not stand up and heed this call to arms, our America will cease to exist! Read more on Alan Keyes’ Army Of One Will Declare WAR On Gay-Marrying Supreme Court, Time To Panic!…
  peace in our time except for all the war

Obama To Ask Republicans’ Permission To Bomb Ay-rabs, They Will Surely Love Him Now

Perhaps you recall that for the last year or so, ever since those child-murdering dickbags who go by the name the Islamic State started making a nuisance of themselves in the Middle East — and we started bombing them, because America — various members of Congress have been demanding (demanding!) that the president ask them to grant him an Authorization for the Use of Military Force, basically a permission slip to do what he’s already doing anyway. Read more on Obama To Ask Republicans’ Permission To Bomb Ay-rabs, They Will Surely Love Him Now…
  pee-drinkin' patriots

Todd Starnes Has Some Thoughts On American Jesus We Mean American Sniper

I see dead people.
Here’s a true story about Todd Starnes. Recently, I was at a party and mentioned that I was writing about Todd Starnes. The person I was talking to didn’t quite know who Todd Starnes was until I said, “People make jokes about him drinking pee on Twitter. Pee jokes guy. Big hat.” Then she was like “ohh, that guy! Yeah. That’s the only reason I know who he is. The pee jokes.” So good work everyone, I guess. Read more on Todd Starnes Has Some Thoughts On American Jesus We Mean American Sniper…
  We'll Do It Live

Bill O’Reilly Recruiting Mercenaries To Win The War On Terror, Enlist Now!

Why is Kelsey Grammar even there?
Splotchy tomato-cheeked bully Bill O’Reilly used his television program Monday night to propose his swell idea to Win The War On Terror: recruit and train 25,000 mercenaries to attack and defeat the forces of the Islamic State, also known as ISIS. He already has a named picked out for his “elite force” and everything: the Anti-Terror Army. Read more on Bill O’Reilly Recruiting Mercenaries To Win The War On Terror, Enlist Now!…
  Hooray For Bombies

U.S. (And Coalition, Sure) Bombs ISIS In Syria, Yay!

Just to be clear: This is sarcasm. Really!
Excellent news, everybody! We’re at war again! Ha-ha, we are joking — we are always at war, but we are also never “really” at war! We are at Kinetic Counter-Terrorism Operation again, with shiny new airstrikes on ISIS and on the Khorasan Group in Syria. We are not, however, launching airstrikes on Syria. Just in Syria. See the difference? Read more on U.S. (And Coalition, Sure) Bombs ISIS In Syria, Yay!…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Literally Garrotes Republicans Who’ll Assist Any Nation But Ours (Video)

Jon Stewart called out Republicans’ schizoid thinking on priorities Thursday, skewering their relentless eagerness to fund military adventures anywhere in the world while refusing to “waste” any funds on the American people. When it comes to pouring money into a war, Stewart says, you never hear Republicans worrying about creating dependency: Basically, when we give other countries government assistance, they handle it great. But when we get it ourselves, we fuck it all up.” But it’s OK, because military spending keeps us safe. Except maybe from crumbling infrastructure, unequal schools, inadequate healthcare, global warming, and of course a whole lot of shootings every day. But those aren’t terrorism, now are they? Read more on Jon Stewart Literally Garrotes Republicans Who’ll Assist Any Nation But Ours (Video)…
  stupid is as stupid does

Bill Kristol Has A Fantastic New Never-Been-Tried-Before Idea: Even More War!

There is no problem that cannot be solved by more war. Sure, that may sound kind of dumb to you, but you are not Bill Kristol, the spittle-filled sack of stupid who has never been right about a thing ever in his entire lifetime. You think that’s hyperbole? It took him until 2013 to figure out Sarah Palin probably does not have a political future. Kristol loooooooooves him some war. War is great. It is the best. Since he was first spawned from Satan’s butthole, he has never heard of a war he didn’t enthusiastically cheer (even if he didn’t actually serve in any of those wars, because it’s so much easier to write columns about how other people should serve in a war you desperately want, isn’t it?) Kristol doesn’t care if pansy-ass whiny Americans are maybe a little tired of war. Oh no. You know what the cure for war-weariness is? It is more war! So American war-weariness isn’t new. Using it as an excuse to avoid maintaining our defenses or shouldering our responsibilities isn’t new, either. But that doesn’t make it admirable. […] In fact, the idol of war-weariness can be challenged. A war-weary public can be awakened and rallied. Indeed, events are right now doing the awakening. All that’s needed is the rallying. And the turnaround can be fast. See, that’s all we need. Just a little more war to perk us right up and give us our second wind like it’s 2 AM and we’re drunk and just want to stumble home but Kristol knows a guy who knows a guy who can score us an eight ball to keep us partying until dawn. Read more on Bill Kristol Has A Fantastic New Never-Been-Tried-Before Idea: Even More War!…
  Don't get him started on Birth of a Nation

Armchair Warrior Glenn Beck Bravely Stands Up Against America’s Real Enemy, A Critic Who Didn’t Like A Movie

Yesterday scabrous poop demon Glenn Beck took a break from cruising the streets of Philadelphia asking women to jerk him off with Swiss cheese to attack the greatest threat to freedom and our American way of life since the Hessians occupied Trenton: film critics. Or rather one film critic, Amy Nicholson of the LA Weekly. Nicholson had the temerity to dislike Lone Survivor, the based-on-a-memoir movie about an ill-fated Navy SEAL mission in Afghanistan in 2005. Apparently not liking this film is akin to dissing The Troops, which is all the squeaky chew toy that Glenn Beck needed to issue a fatwa against Nicholson, giving his fans the green light to rain hellfire and brimstone down on her on Twitter. We hope the screeching band of armchair jockeys enjoyed working out all their playing-soldier fantasies with their charming death threats and cunt-calling. Before we slog further into this crap-filled sewer, full disclosure about Nicholson’s connection to Wonkette: she and yr Humble Author attended grad school at the same time, had one class together around 2006, and have mutual friends. Additionally, yr Editrix, being an L.A.-based journalist, participated in a Village Voice Media podcast with her last summer on the important (and anti-American) topic of Disney’s The Little Mermaid. Now that we have dispensed with the journalistic ethics, let us use this controversy to hurl some insults at the bipedal butter tub Glenn Beck. Read more on Armchair Warrior Glenn Beck Bravely Stands Up Against America’s Real Enemy, A Critic Who Didn’t Like A Movie…
 

New York City, We Will Be Marching On Your ‘Drinking Liberally’ Tonight

Ok, fellas, here is what we’re gonna do. The Drinking Liberally squadron will be massing in Hell’s Kitchen tonight, Thursday, at 7:30 p.m. They’ll be fortifying their supply lines at Rudy’s on 9th Avenue between 44th and 45th. That’s when we come in all kamikaze on their asses, really get up in there, really meet a stranger in the Alps. Read more on New York City, We Will Be Marching On Your ‘Drinking Liberally’ Tonight…
  be sure to wear some flowers in your hair

Glenn Beck Turns Hippie Peacenik, ‘Cause War Is A Progressive Trip, Man

Glenn Beck has decided that his favorite conservative anthem is now “War: What Is It Good For? (Absolutely Nothin’).” You see, Glenn had a moment of revelation: This whole Syria thing, man, it’s just about the oil, you know? (Syria doesn’t have that much oil, really, but don’t stop him, he’s on a roll). And war? Oh, man, war is the worst, man, the ultimate bummer trip, you know? On his Monday program, Beck shared his insights (possibly the result of a peyote-fueled vision quest with a shaman) and laid on his audience this heavy message, telling viewers that Read more on Glenn Beck Turns Hippie Peacenik, ‘Cause War Is A Progressive Trip, Man…
  Didn't we already deja this vu?

Bill Kristol: Bomb Syria So We Can Bomb Iran So We Can ‘Constructively Criticize’ The President For Doing It All Wrong

Oh, hello, William Kristol, who never met a thing you weren’t completely wrong about. Have you finished sobbing about your laughably recent discovery that Sarah Palin probably does not have a future in politics? Terrific, because we are just dying to know your thoughts on whether we should bomb the ever-lovin’ everything out of Syria. Wait, wait, don’t tell us, let us guess. Is it … “Yes, bomb them to death and then let’s bomb all the other countries to death too for good measure and also Obama sucks”? We bet it is! Let’s see if we are right. To whet our appetites, please open your column with something stupid. Something like this: The statesmanlike case for voting Yes on the congressional resolution to use force against the Assad regime has been made widely and well by conservative foreign policy thinkers. At the end, the case boils down to this: As a policy matter, a Yes vote may be problematic in all kinds of ways. But a No vote would likely be disastrous for the nation in very clear ways. Yes, that will do nicely. Because it’s definitely the “conservative foreign policy thinkers” who have made the case for war on Syria. Like limp-dicked pill-popping gasbag Rush Limbaugh, who so persuaded us with his argument that the White House probably plotted the whole chemical weapons attack thing in Syria to make it look like it was Assad, but it was really Barzini, er, Obama all along. To the mattresses! Read more on Bill Kristol: Bomb Syria So We Can Bomb Iran So We Can ‘Constructively Criticize’ The President For Doing It All Wrong…
  he's getting what he wants and he's not going to take it anymore

John McCain Might Need To Impeach Obama For Giving Him The War He Always Wanted

It must be so hard to be John McCain these days, which is excellent news for John McCain because everything is, that is the law. President “That One” is still running around being president, if you can believe it, like some kind of guy who got elected president. And one of Johnny’s BFFs, Joe Lieberman, is no longer winking at him from across the Senate aisle and accompanying him on romantic getaways to countries we have bombed or would like to bomb. Don’t even get us started on that poker game the other day. The worst! But now that McCain is thiiiiiiiiis close to getting that war on Syria he’s wanted for years, he’s in a real pickle. On the one hand, yea! War! The president is going to let him press the red button and bomb all the countries. (McCain has always wanted to bomb all the countries. Also, a pony.) And yet, McCain does not care for that Obama fellow one bit, no sir. Whatever shall he do? Let us don our gas masks and take a trip through the twisted mind that is John McCain to figure out how to end up at YEA WAR! and also IMPEACH! Think it can’t be done? Let’s see: Read more on John McCain Might Need To Impeach Obama For Giving Him The War He Always Wanted…
  police blotter

Illinois Residents Can Sleep Safer Now That Police Have Tased, Beanbagged 95-Year-Old Veteran To Death

Did you feel as though an intangible but perceptible cloud of safety and serenity descended on your community sometime last week? Probably this is because you live in Park Forest, Illinois, where local police successfully tased and beanbagged a 95-year-old World War II veteran to death last week for being ornery and refusing to put down a kitchen knife. Or maybe there was no kitchen knife and it was actually a shoehorn, who can be sure. But yes, thankfully, residents of Park Forest can sleep more soundly knowing that they are safe from the menace of cranky 95-year-olds thanks to Park Forest’s best and brightest! Read more on Illinois Residents Can Sleep Safer Now That Police Have Tased, Beanbagged 95-Year-Old Veteran To Death…
  mitt's time

Mitt Romney Not Waiting Around All Day For You To Return His Call About Your Dead Son, Lady

Mitt Romney is a very busy man, you guys. He is busy now that he’s running for president, and he was busy back when he was a governor. So if your son dies and he gives you a call the day of his funeral, you should probably call him back RIGHT AWAY because he is very important! Very busy! Got that? Read more on Mitt Romney Not Waiting Around All Day For You To Return His Call About Your Dead Son, Lady…
  patented management techniques

Romney Talks War Stuff Without Actually Promising More Wars, What A Wuss

Oh, boy, a Republican presidential candidate just went to give a “major foreign policy address” to a military academy, which as we all know means a whole lot of highly explosive murder-death, for freedom, right? Well, sorry carnage lovers, your 2012 GOP nominee isn’t the sort of guy who, say, makes up comical “Weird” Al-style song spoofs about dropping bombs on other countries and killing tens of thousands of people. Nope! You’re stuck with Mitt Romney, who comes from a modern-day executive class that believes the answer to everything is “leadership,” and that you can learn “leadership” by reading the executive summaries of all the terrible business books with “leadership” in the title, and that liberal weenies who’ve never run a business don’t understand “leadership,” and that what the world wants is more American “leadership,” from a real “leader,” Mitt Romney. “Fuck this noise,” you’re saying, “Who will America bomb, under President Romney? WHO?” Details after the jump, but … maybe nobody? BOOO. Read more on Romney Talks War Stuff Without Actually Promising More Wars, What A Wuss…
  we are reasonably sure we won

A Children’s Treasury Of Your Wonkette’s War On New York City

Following our successful foray into Philadelphia, your Wonkette #WARRED on the Drinking Liberally party held every Thursday at Rudy’s in New York City, by buying them beer and stealing their women. Commenters, lurkers, and your Editrix’s NYC macher aunt and uncle, after the jump! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Your Wonkette’s War On New York City…
  it's either him or john bolton

Donald Trump To Build Garish Condos On Iranian Riviera

Oh, man, this is what happens when Donald Trump reads the liberal media! It just reaffirms all of his most terrifying fever-dreams. For instance, the New York Times reports that Barack Obama is implementing a policy of containment and saber-rattling against Iran, which is pretty much the same policy that George W. Bush engaged in (once he stopped listening to Cheney’s pleas for more carnage) and will almost certainly be the policy that President Romney would engage in (despite the fact that he has to promise to all the crazies while he’s running that he’ll kill as many Iranians as possible). But noted foreign policy expert Donald Trump knows that Obama’s motivations are different from Bush and Romney’s. They are focused entirely on winning the 2012 election, which is why we must start hugging the Iranian leadership in an act of peace and love and understanding right now, to prevent Obama from being re-elected in November. Read more on Donald Trump To Build Garish Condos On Iranian Riviera…