Tag Archives: WALNUTS

  snowbilly offspring news

Quitter Bristol Palin Moving Out of Bland Arizona Mansion

Professional quitters the Palin clan are working on their resume again: Bristol Palin is moving out of her Phoenix narcomansion only six months after she paid $172,000 in cash for it. She’s renting it out for $1,400 a month so that YOU TOO can wake up each day in the angry meth wonderland exurbs of Phoenix, Arizona with a new chin thinking about where your life went wrong. Why is Bristol abandoning this poorly landscaped foreclosure paradise? Does she not like John McCain anymore, wherever Walnuts is? No, she is supposedly moving to LA for her new reality show about how hard it is to have roommates and wake up in the morning and go to work, which is something many of us would like to monetize in today’s economy. Read more on Quitter Bristol Palin Moving Out of Bland Arizona Mansion…
  it's morning in america

Senate Republicans Unanimously Repeal Obamacare, 47-0!

Senate Democrats were unable to convince ancient turtle-beast Mitch McConnell that he actually needs sixty votes to repeal health care reform, resulting in hours of pointless “debate” and a dumb final vote of 51-47 against repeal. Nobody expected this to happen, since the measure was “tacked on to an unrelated aviation bill” and Republicans “expected it to fail.” PLEASE STOP DOING THIS. Even bitter ol’ John McCain participated in the freedom fapping, describing the Congressional Budget Office’s cost estimate of health care repeal as “garbage in, garbage out.” Good gravy, Republicans. Maybe you guys can spend less time proposing dead-end legislation, and more time using Nancy Reagan’s Ouija board to ask Thomas Jefferson if he supports the troops or something? That would be much more productive, probably. [WSJ/McClatchy] Read more on Senate Republicans Unanimously Repeal Obamacare, 47-0!… Read more on Senate Republicans Unanimously Repeal Obamacare, 47-0!…
  liveblogging from the civil war

There Will Be Tea: Liveblogging America’s Return To Slavery, Part IV

Is this still happening? Has Rand Paul bankrupted America and outlawed blogging yet? We’re entering HOUR FOUR of this teabagstravaganza, and we’re still weeping for the loss of Our Christine (“You”) because comedy is going to be in short supply, forever, and she was our queen! Well whatever. At least John McCain won his easy-ass had-it-forever Senate seat, so ol’ Walnuts will still be around to yell at clouds. Read more on There Will Be Tea: Liveblogging America’s Return To Slavery, Part IV…
  worth the faking for

Lifelong Fraud John McCain Is Lifelong Fraud

He was a Maverick! Except, of course, he wasn’t any such thing. He had morals and convictions! Except, he never did, about anything. John McCain never did anything but squander the proud military legacy of his family and then carpetbag his way to Arizona where he smelled money and opportunity. He dumped his crippled wife for a young beer heiress. He is a creep and a fraud, and that’s all he’s ever been. Vanity Fair has just posted an article about this, in case you were wondering, Who the fuck still believes John McCain is anything beyond a craven toad? Read more on Lifelong Fraud John McCain Is Lifelong Fraud…
  first time for everything

John McCain Is Senate’s Leading User of Senate Online Marketing

John McCain has been called many things during his endless Washington career — “craven,” “shameless,” “amoral,” “stupid,” “drug addled,” “world’s worst pilot” and “completely full of shit” — but until this week nobody has ever used the word “genius” to describe ol’ Walnuts. Now, some bored professors somewhere have ranked all 100 senators’ use of social media garbage such as the Facebook and the Twitter, and Juan “wins” with “digital IQ of 156.” He’s not at the bottom of this class! Read more on John McCain Is Senate’s Leading User of Senate Online Marketing…
  the rich are different

John McCain Paid $74.64 Per Vote

We wondered last night just how much money John (Cindy) McCain blew on Arizona’s GOP Senate primary. And now, with a preliminary total of 281,347 votes for ol’ Walnuts, the people at Esquire have done the Hard Math and figured out the craven fraud spent $74.64 for each one of his unenthusiastic votes — $21 million ÷ 281,347 = $74.64. The McCain/Budweiser fortune should be totally shot by the next couple of Senate races! Read more on John McCain Paid $74.64 Per Vote…
  anti-incumbent fever

You Still Have John McCain To Kick Around, Forever

America’s new Robert Byrd is John McCain, who will never be voted out of the Senate because Arizona Republicans are also too old and confused and stupid to know what’s happening, ever. Hooray for the ex-Maverick! It only cost Juan the last crumbs of his integrity and legacy, and it cost Cindy $20 million. But at least she gets to send Walnuts back to Washington and out of her way, while she drools over young Navy SEALs in an Rx haze. John McCain has handily defeated crazy teevee huckster J.D. Hayworth. Read more on You Still Have John McCain To Kick Around, Forever…
  it's morning in america

Is This The End Of Walnuts? Eh, Probably Not

What are the fun primaries Americans are going to be forced to vote in, today? In Arizona, Walnuts McCain, having dispensed with his few remaining principles, will almost certainly obliterate huckster infomercial man J.D. Hayworth. In Alaska, the Senate primary fight between Lisa Murkowski and Todd Palin’s snowmobiling buddy is secretly a proxy battle between Sarah Palin and the ghost of Ted Stevens. In Florida, Kendrick Meek will have to defeat a vulgar billionaire for the Democratic nomination to prove that he’s worthy to be Senator from a vulgar, bankrupt state. Also, people are voting in Vermont and Oklahoma, for some reason. Read more on Is This The End Of Walnuts? Eh, Probably Not… Read more on Is This The End Of Walnuts? Eh, Probably Not…
  this is good news for john mccain

Poor Scared Walnuts Has Spent So Much Money

John McCain was tortured for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS in Vietnam (proving he is brave), and has been a Senator for decades and was his party’s presidential candidate not even two years ago (proving that he is popular, or at least politically entrenched), and his primary opponent is a lunatic infomercial star with an unsettling frog-like smile (proving that he should win). And yet John McCain is obviously terrified of J.D. “Frogface” Hayworth, because he is hiding behind the enormous piles of cash that he has lying around his many mansions. (Freud believed that money is what politicians want to have sex with, instead of their mothers, for comfort.) What exactly is John McCain so afraid of? Read more on Poor Scared Walnuts Has Spent So Much Money…
  america's greatest columnist

John McCain Won’t Be Asking Elena Kagan To Prom

America’s third-favorite McCain is an Op-Ed columnist at America’s first-favorite McPaper!  And man oh boy, is he hoppin’ mad at that wily Mexican-Hebrew Elena Kagan. But why? Because of War, of course! Read more on John McCain Won’t Be Asking Elena Kagan To Prom…
  come on matthew lesko sue mccain for this!

John McCain’s Latest Commercial Steals Matthew Lesko’s ‘Free Money’ Commercial

Just last week your Wonkette shared a new ad by Arizona Grandpa John McCain against the infomercial con artist J.D. Hayworth, who wants to steal McCain’s frayed ol’ Senate seat plus replace your hard-earned dollars with fantasy “free government money.” Walnuts has released another new ad, and it’s almost exactly like last week’s except better in every possible way imaginable, and therefore destined to sweep him to victory with a triple-digit lead (at minimum!). Read more on John McCain’s Latest Commercial Steals Matthew Lesko’s ‘Free Money’ Commercial…
  acerbic grandpa rhetoric

McCain Forced To Air Ad Basically Admitting He Could Lose To Infomercial Man

Old man John McCain has been forced to go ON THE ATTACK in his race for re-election in Arizona, airing a new ad that calls his GOP opponent, J.D. Hayworth, a no-good “huckster.” That cute grandfatherly zinger is based on the fact that Hayworth has done a series of infomercials promising “free government money” to buyers of his “program,” which is obviously bogus, as it is promoted via infomercial. Will Arizonans be amazed that Hayworth is not the admirable professional they thought he was, or will this ad just be depressing because it shows McCain is being forced to admit he may actually lose to this inane conservative radio host? Yeah, it’s likely the former, as “huckster” is a really good BURN. Read more on McCain Forced To Air Ad Basically Admitting He Could Lose To Infomercial Man…
  this is our zapruder film

John McCain Nearly Bores David Patraeus To Death

Mummified windbag John McCain was jabbering his usual nonsense during a Senate Armed Services hearing today when star witness General David Petraeus just keeled over. Why does McCain hate the Troops? Read more on John McCain Nearly Bores David Patraeus To Death…
  shut up old man

John McCain’s Twitter Talks Awkwardly To Cancer-Bed Troll

Gross old liebot John McCain, whose entire head is made of skin cancer and bullshit, is having a very important policy discussion with “Snooki,” a bright orange dwarf who appeared on a chilling documentary about emotionally challenged adolescents left alone in a tacky vacation house to die of STDs. John McCain won’t tax you for working hard to get skin cancer, because look what skin cancer did for him! [Twitter via Wonkette operative “Jack O.”] Read more on John McCain’s Twitter Talks Awkwardly To Cancer-Bed Troll…
  it's morning in america

Barack Obama’s Border Army Will Defeat Mexico

Joining this Spring’s Mexican Border Hysteria on the Eve of Summer, Barack Obama ordered 1,200 soldiers of his elite palace legion dispatched to the frontier of Barbarian Land, in hopes of silencing the Senate and the restless southwestern provinces. Read more on Barack Obama’s Border Army Will Defeat Mexico… Read more on Barack Obama’s Border Army Will Defeat Mexico…
  and mcain vows to make it worse

America Still Has Its Housing/Mortgage Disaster!

Those lousy Greeks/Europeans, how can they spend so much money propping up their failed economy and jobless cretins and mountains of bad debt? Don’t they have capitalist scruples or whatever? Oh yeah, and America’s government-run mortgage hander-outer, Fannie Mae, needs another $8.4 billion to get through next week maybe, things have been sort of tough, what with the $11.5 billion loss just in the first quarter of this year. Read more on America Still Has Its Housing/Mortgage Disaster!…
  el chupacabra

A Children’s Video Treasury of John McCain’s Love For Illegal Mexican Evildoers

Oh here’s Juan McCain and his new friend (?!) the Mexican-Smashing Skinhead walking along the invisible (?) border fence that keeps Juan McCain from returning home to Teddy Roosevelt’s Panama, and it looks like today ol’ Walnuts *doesn’t* like illegal immigration — which is something, really, coming from Teddy Kennedy’s best friend. John McCain invented shamnesty, and just a couple of years ago you COULD NOT SHUT HIM UP about how he was going to “solve” the Mexican Menace by tearing up the Constitution (which doesn’t even *mention* Mexicans) and saying, “Open Borders, Amigos!” Read more on A Children’s Video Treasury of John McCain’s Love For Illegal Mexican Evildoers…
  by the time i don't get to phoenix

Boycott Arizona? Sure, Because It’s So Easy!

Have you people just HAD IT with Arizona being so evil and terrible and unleashing its dumb racist idiot garbage upon America again and again, forever? Boycott those jackholes. Gawker put together a list of some Arizona “big name” businesses you can boycott just in case you already avoid the state — like everyone except for 90-year-old retired white people from Chicago suburbs, who move there to die and complain about Mexicans and “dry heat.” Seriously, every known business from Arizona is terrible. Will you miss P.F. Chang’s or GoDaddy or SkyMall, three of the worst things in America that represent everything sleazy and shitty about this foul nation of slobs? Of course not. But what about the Grand Canyon? Read more on Boycott Arizona? Sure, Because It’s So Easy!…
  hehngnn?

John McCain Gets All Mad At The POLITICO

The POLITICO did something fun and funny today: they asked John McCain to elaborate on his famous recent assertion, “I never considered myself a maverick.” How would John McCain react? Would he get Visibly Irritated? (This has nothing to do with the video above. Sometimes your Wonkette just likes to revisit Actual Pinnacles of Comedy, especially with Ol’ Walnuts.) Read more on John McCain Gets All Mad At The POLITICO…
  oh walnuts!

John McCain Is President Of Lying

Remember politics between all of 1998 and 2008? For the few of you who do (nerds), you may gasp at this epic mindfuck of a new John “WALNUTS!” McCain admission: he denies being the media version of John McCain, “The Maverick.” If the John McCain we knew isn’t the real John McCain, then he must just be some old coot who got lost in Washington 30 years ago on an errand to the pharmacy and keeps telling people he’s a “Senator from Arizona,” to hide his shame. Read more on John McCain Is President Of Lying…
  the horror ... the horror

Angry Old John McCain Can’t Figure Out How This Camera-Phone Works

Lurching worm-beast John McCain found a new thing to yell at today! He’s just stuck down at the end of the hall, barking at his cell phone and demanding that staffers “fix the goddamn door that used to be here,” and of course there’s no door, and no staffers either … just one of those fire hoses hanging on the wall at this lonely corridor’s dead end, and John McCain. Would you like to see a giant, heart-stopping version of this picture, as WALNUTS! just posted on his “twitpic”? Read more on Angry Old John McCain Can’t Figure Out How This Camera-Phone Works…
  walnuts!

John McCain Will Repeal Health Care Reform, Through Magic, If You Send Him Money

A pathetic, amoral piece of garbage who is utterly terrified of losing his fat-cat Senate privileges, that’s John McCain: “I believe we must repeal this bill immediately. I am currently working in every way possible on your behalf to accomplish this. However, I am facing a tough reelection campaign. If I am not reelected this year, I cannot fight for our shared values in the Senate. That’s why your immediate donation of any amount is so critical. Your urgent support will enable me to continue our fight against this terrible bill.” Read more on John McCain Will Repeal Health Care Reform, Through Magic, If You Send Him Money…