Tag Archives: WALNUTS

  missed economic opportunities

McCain and Graham Pout U.S. Didn’t Get to Drop Enough Bombs on Libya

Aging lesbian power couple John McCain and Lindsey Graham are excited to hear about what appears to be the final collapse of the Qaddafi regime in Libya, although Sartorial Satan is still in hiding and Tripoli is not yet under full rebel control. Team McHamBiscuits nonetheless have an important nonsense neoconservative reflection on the whole saga: “we regret that this success was so long in coming due to the failure of the United States to employ the full weight of our airpower.” So sorry! to Libya, that the U.S. was not more involved in your conflict. U.S. military intervention in foreign conflicts is historically a top choice for fast conflict resolution, so really just a huge apology if Libya feels it missed out on that. Can John McCain still get some of Libya’s money, though? Read more on McCain and Graham Pout U.S. Didn’t Get to Drop Enough Bombs on Libya…
  we just wanted to use this picture again

Wingnuts Ambush John McCain Demanding He Retract ‘Hobbits’ Insult

Roving gangs of unruly Arizona Teatards showed up to a John McCain town hall meeting to do the usual: holler and gnash their teeth and complain about the price of scooter fuel and double deep fried Oreos. Not news! But the butthurt contingent of lunatics also demanded that WALNUTS apologize for that one recent time he called them “hobbits,” which is laffable because we are called worse things than this on most days and still find that funny. That is probably what makes us “librul,” come to think of it. Anyway, sorry, WALNUTS, your constituent ranks are swollen with humorless racist conspiracy-theorist doofuses. Try running for Harry Reid’s seat next time, we hear showgirls and chippendale dancers still mysteriously prefer bland white olds to maniac Tea Party screamers, and the election night party is probably better. Read more on Wingnuts Ambush John McCain Demanding He Retract ‘Hobbits’ Insult…
  walnuts! needs a nap

Confused Walnuts Starts ‘Lord of the Rings’ Debt Ceiling Fight Meme

Oh God, John McCain, he is getting more senile by the hour. Somebody handed Walnuts a copy of the Wall Street Journal, which, in the paper’s effort to fill all of its blank pages with words about anything besides disgraced overlord owner Rupert Murdoch, said let’s type words comparing Tea Party people to hobbits. Uh, sure! Hobbits are of course the most topical fantastical children’s story character for a columnist to choose this summer, but old Walnuts thought this was hilarious and appropriate and so he marched onto the Senate floor with this editorial in hand and read it aloud, to make his point about everyone in the Tea Party being insane.  And now magically everyone is super upset including Sharron Angle (?) and Rand Paul and Discover magazine, who will naturally all respond with more “Lord of the Rings” references. Read more on Confused Walnuts Starts ‘Lord of the Rings’ Debt Ceiling Fight Meme…
  they got our vote

Screw White Olds’ Tea Party, Latinos Starting Tequila Party

There are many actual “Mexican-looking people” who live alongside their humorless Teabagger neighbors always crowding Arizona’s legislative agenda with endless bills to outlaw brown skin, a project which brown-skinned people mysteriously do not appreciate. Luckily for people who do not love ethnic warfare, however, some of these Latino people are both tired of this and have a sense of humor about it, so they started the “Tequila Party.” We seem to remember having joined a “Tequila Party” last weekend, so apparently they already got our vote! Read more on Screw White Olds’ Tea Party, Latinos Starting Tequila Party…
  alien conspiracies

John McCain Says Pyromaniac Aliens To Blame For AZ Wildfires

What do we always know about America’s myriad unsolved problems? They are the fault of the illegalz. Recently, the illegalz have been trying to burn down all of Arizona with their chronic pyromaniac ruthlessness, according to senior desert wildfire detective Sen. John McCain. Asked by reporters at a press conference, “what’s the deal and how will you fix these insane wildfires,” he said what all Arizona GOP politicians say when they are too old and senile to actually hear and understand the questions anymore: “IT’S THE BORDER.” Old Grunty McWalnuts felt “evidence” was sort of a high standard of proof, so he went with “probably it was these things” like immigrants lighting fires at night to stay warm or send signals. Uh, okay! Aliens would rather start fires in the desert that they usually like to use for walking over from Mexico, because it is fun when it is exponentially more lethal to cross than ever before. Read more on John McCain Says Pyromaniac Aliens To Blame For AZ Wildfires…
  snowbilly offspring news

Quitter Bristol Palin Moving Out of Bland Arizona Mansion

Professional quitters the Palin clan are working on their resume again: Bristol Palin is moving out of her Phoenix narcomansion only six months after she paid $172,000 in cash for it. She’s renting it out for $1,400 a month so that YOU TOO can wake up each day in the angry meth wonderland exurbs of Phoenix, Arizona with a new chin thinking about where your life went wrong. Why is Bristol abandoning this poorly landscaped foreclosure paradise? Does she not like John McCain anymore, wherever Walnuts is? No, she is supposedly moving to LA for her new reality show about how hard it is to have roommates and wake up in the morning and go to work, which is something many of us would like to monetize in today’s economy. Read more on Quitter Bristol Palin Moving Out of Bland Arizona Mansion…
  it's morning in america

Senate Republicans Unanimously Repeal Obamacare, 47-0!

Senate Democrats were unable to convince ancient turtle-beast Mitch McConnell that he actually needs sixty votes to repeal health care reform, resulting in hours of pointless “debate” and a dumb final vote of 51-47 against repeal. Nobody expected this to happen, since the measure was “tacked on to an unrelated aviation bill” and Republicans “expected it to fail.” PLEASE STOP DOING THIS. Even bitter ol’ John McCain participated in the freedom fapping, describing the Congressional Budget Office’s cost estimate of health care repeal as “garbage in, garbage out.” Good gravy, Republicans. Maybe you guys can spend less time proposing dead-end legislation, and more time using Nancy Reagan’s Ouija board to ask Thomas Jefferson if he supports the troops or something? That would be much more productive, probably. [WSJ/McClatchy] Read more on Senate Republicans Unanimously Repeal Obamacare, 47-0!… Read more on Senate Republicans Unanimously Repeal Obamacare, 47-0!…
  liveblogging from the civil war

There Will Be Tea: Liveblogging America’s Return To Slavery, Part IV

Is this still happening? Has Rand Paul bankrupted America and outlawed blogging yet? We’re entering HOUR FOUR of this teabagstravaganza, and we’re still weeping for the loss of Our Christine (“You”) because comedy is going to be in short supply, forever, and she was our queen! Well whatever. At least John McCain won his easy-ass had-it-forever Senate seat, so ol’ Walnuts will still be around to yell at clouds. Read more on There Will Be Tea: Liveblogging America’s Return To Slavery, Part IV…
  worth the faking for

Lifelong Fraud John McCain Is Lifelong Fraud

He was a Maverick! Except, of course, he wasn’t any such thing. He had morals and convictions! Except, he never did, about anything. John McCain never did anything but squander the proud military legacy of his family and then carpetbag his way to Arizona where he smelled money and opportunity. He dumped his crippled wife for a young beer heiress. He is a creep and a fraud, and that’s all he’s ever been. Vanity Fair has just posted an article about this, in case you were wondering, Who the fuck still believes John McCain is anything beyond a craven toad? Read more on Lifelong Fraud John McCain Is Lifelong Fraud…
  first time for everything

John McCain Is Senate’s Leading User of Senate Online Marketing

John McCain has been called many things during his endless Washington career — “craven,” “shameless,” “amoral,” “stupid,” “drug addled,” “world’s worst pilot” and “completely full of shit” — but until this week nobody has ever used the word “genius” to describe ol’ Walnuts. Now, some bored professors somewhere have ranked all 100 senators’ use of social media garbage such as the Facebook and the Twitter, and Juan “wins” with “digital IQ of 156.” He’s not at the bottom of this class! Read more on John McCain Is Senate’s Leading User of Senate Online Marketing…
  the rich are different

John McCain Paid $74.64 Per Vote

We wondered last night just how much money John (Cindy) McCain blew on Arizona’s GOP Senate primary. And now, with a preliminary total of 281,347 votes for ol’ Walnuts, the people at Esquire have done the Hard Math and figured out the craven fraud spent $74.64 for each one of his unenthusiastic votes — $21 million ÷ 281,347 = $74.64. The McCain/Budweiser fortune should be totally shot by the next couple of Senate races! Read more on John McCain Paid $74.64 Per Vote…
  anti-incumbent fever

You Still Have John McCain To Kick Around, Forever

America’s new Robert Byrd is John McCain, who will never be voted out of the Senate because Arizona Republicans are also too old and confused and stupid to know what’s happening, ever. Hooray for the ex-Maverick! It only cost Juan the last crumbs of his integrity and legacy, and it cost Cindy $20 million. But at least she gets to send Walnuts back to Washington and out of her way, while she drools over young Navy SEALs in an Rx haze. John McCain has handily defeated crazy teevee huckster J.D. Hayworth. Read more on You Still Have John McCain To Kick Around, Forever…
  it's morning in america

Is This The End Of Walnuts? Eh, Probably Not

What are the fun primaries Americans are going to be forced to vote in, today? In Arizona, Walnuts McCain, having dispensed with his few remaining principles, will almost certainly obliterate huckster infomercial man J.D. Hayworth. In Alaska, the Senate primary fight between Lisa Murkowski and Todd Palin’s snowmobiling buddy is secretly a proxy battle between Sarah Palin and the ghost of Ted Stevens. In Florida, Kendrick Meek will have to defeat a vulgar billionaire for the Democratic nomination to prove that he’s worthy to be Senator from a vulgar, bankrupt state. Also, people are voting in Vermont and Oklahoma, for some reason. Read more on Is This The End Of Walnuts? Eh, Probably Not… Read more on Is This The End Of Walnuts? Eh, Probably Not…
  this is good news for john mccain

Poor Scared Walnuts Has Spent So Much Money

John McCain was tortured for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS in Vietnam (proving he is brave), and has been a Senator for decades and was his party’s presidential candidate not even two years ago (proving that he is popular, or at least politically entrenched), and his primary opponent is a lunatic infomercial star with an unsettling frog-like smile (proving that he should win). And yet John McCain is obviously terrified of J.D. “Frogface” Hayworth, because he is hiding behind the enormous piles of cash that he has lying around his many mansions. (Freud believed that money is what politicians want to have sex with, instead of their mothers, for comfort.) What exactly is John McCain so afraid of? Read more on Poor Scared Walnuts Has Spent So Much Money…
  america's greatest columnist

John McCain Won’t Be Asking Elena Kagan To Prom

America’s third-favorite McCain is an Op-Ed columnist at America’s first-favorite McPaper!  And man oh boy, is he hoppin’ mad at that wily Mexican-Hebrew Elena Kagan. But why? Because of War, of course! Read more on John McCain Won’t Be Asking Elena Kagan To Prom…