Tag: WALNUTS

Mitt Romney Ad Magically Turns McCain Advisor’s Words Into Obama’s

The quantum of total emptiness sashaying about in a flesh suit and calling itself "Mitt Romney" just cannot catch a break, in the polls! Mitt wants this presidency thing so very badly, you can practically taste the flopsweat. (Look...

World Glad John McCain Was Not Elected Because of This Weird Tweet

"Math" suggests John McCain does not believe he would have lived through his first presidential term if he had won! Hahahaha, Jesus, Sarah Palin was almost your President. THAT WAS SO CLOSE, never forget.

McCain and Graham Pout U.S. Didn’t Get to Drop Enough Bombs on Libya

Aging lesbian power couple John McCain and Lindsey Graham are excited to hear about what appears to be the final collapse of the Qaddafi regime in Libya, although Sartorial Satan is still in hiding and Tripoli is not yet...

Wingnuts Ambush John McCain Demanding He Retract ‘Hobbits’ Insult

Roving gangs of unruly Arizona Teatards showed up to a John McCain town hall meeting to do the usual: holler and gnash their teeth and complain about the price of scooter fuel and double deep fried Oreos. Not news!...

Confused Walnuts Starts ‘Lord of the Rings’ Debt Ceiling Fight Meme

Oh God, John McCain, he is getting more senile by the hour. Somebody handed Walnuts a copy of the Wall Street Journal, which, in the paper's effort to fill all of its blank pages with words about anything besides...

Screw White Olds’ Tea Party, Latinos Starting Tequila Party

There are many actual "Mexican-looking people" who live alongside their humorless Teabagger neighbors always crowding Arizona's legislative agenda with endless bills to outlaw brown skin, a project which brown-skinned people mysteriously do not appreciate. Luckily for people who do...

John McCain Says Pyromaniac Aliens To Blame For AZ Wildfires

What do we always know about America's myriad unsolved problems? They are the fault of the illegalz. Recently, the illegalz have been trying to burn down all of Arizona with their chronic pyromaniac ruthlessness, according to senior desert wildfire...

Quitter Bristol Palin Moving Out of Bland Arizona Mansion

Professional quitters the Palin clan are working on their resume again: Bristol Palin is moving out of her Phoenix narcomansion only six months after she paid $172,000 in cash for it. She's renting it out for $1,400 a month...

Senate Republicans Unanimously Repeal Obamacare, 47-0!

Senate Democrats were unable to convince ancient turtle-beast Mitch McConnell that he actually needs sixty votes to repeal health care reform, resulting in hours of pointless "debate" and a dumb final vote of 51-47 against repeal. Nobody expected this...

There Will Be Tea: Liveblogging America’s Return To Slavery, Part IV

Is this still happening? Has Rand Paul bankrupted America and outlawed blogging yet? We're entering HOUR FOUR of this teabagstravaganza, and we're still weeping for the loss of Our Christine ("You") because comedy is going to be in short...

Lifelong Fraud John McCain Is Lifelong Fraud

He was a Maverick! Except, of course, he wasn't any such thing. He had morals and convictions! Except, he never did, about anything. John McCain never did anything but squander the proud military legacy of his family and then...

John McCain Is Senate’s Leading User of Senate Online Marketing

John McCain has been called many things during his endless Washington career -- "craven," "shameless," "amoral," "stupid," "drug addled," "world's worst pilot" and "completely full of shit" -- but until this week nobody has ever used the word "genius"...

John McCain Paid $74.64 Per Vote

We wondered last night just how much money John (Cindy) McCain blew on Arizona's GOP Senate primary. And now, with a preliminary total of 281,347 votes for ol' Walnuts, the people at Esquire have done the Hard Math and...

You Still Have John McCain To Kick Around, Forever

America's new Robert Byrd is John McCain, who will never be voted out of the Senate because Arizona Republicans are also too old and confused and stupid to know what's happening, ever. Hooray for the ex-Maverick! It only cost...

Is This The End Of Walnuts? Eh, Probably Not

What are the fun primaries Americans are going to be forced to vote in, today? In Arizona, Walnuts McCain, having dispensed with his few remaining principles, will almost certainly obliterate huckster infomercial man J.D. Hayworth. In Alaska, the...

Poor Scared Walnuts Has Spent So Much Money

John McCain was tortured for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS in Vietnam (proving he is brave), and has been a Senator for decades and was his party's presidential candidate not even two years ago (proving that he is popular,...