WALNUTS
Quitter Bristol Palin Moving Out of Bland Arizona Mansion
Professional quitters the Palin clan are working on their resume again: Bristol Palin is moving out of her Phoenix narcomansion only six months after she paid $172,000 in cash for it. She’s renting it out for $1,400 a month so that YOU TOO can wake up each day in the angry meth wonderland exurbs of [...]
There Will Be Tea: Liveblogging America’s Return To Slavery, Part IV
Is this still happening? Has Rand Paul bankrupted America and outlawed blogging yet? We’re entering HOUR FOUR of this teabagstravaganza, and we’re still weeping for the loss of Our Christine (“You”) because comedy is going to be in short supply, forever, and she was our queen! Well whatever. At least John McCain won his easy-ass [...]
Lifelong Fraud John McCain Is Lifelong Fraud
He was a Maverick! Except, of course, he wasn’t any such thing. He had morals and convictions! Except, he never did, about anything. John McCain never did anything but squander the proud military legacy of his family and then carpetbag his way to Arizona where he smelled money and opportunity. He dumped his crippled wife [...]
John McCain Is Senate’s Leading User of Senate Online Marketing
John McCain has been called many things during his endless Washington career — “craven,” “shameless,” “amoral,” “stupid,” “drug addled,” “world’s worst pilot” and “completely full of shit” — but until this week nobody has ever used the word “genius” to describe ol’ Walnuts. Now, some bored professors somewhere have ranked all 100 senators’ use of [...]
John McCain Paid $74.64 Per Vote
We wondered last night just how much money John (Cindy) McCain blew on Arizona’s GOP Senate primary. And now, with a preliminary total of 281,347 votes for ol’ Walnuts, the people at Esquire have done the Hard Math and figured out the craven fraud spent $74.64 for each one of his unenthusiastic votes — $21 [...]
You Still Have John McCain To Kick Around, Forever
America’s new Robert Byrd is John McCain, who will never be voted out of the Senate because Arizona Republicans are also too old and confused and stupid to know what’s happening, ever. Hooray for the ex-Maverick! It only cost Juan the last crumbs of his integrity and legacy, and it cost Cindy $20 million. But [...]
Is This The End Of Walnuts? Eh, Probably Not
What are the fun primaries Americans are going to be forced to vote in, today? In Arizona, Walnuts McCain, having dispensed with his few remaining principles, will almost certainly obliterate huckster infomercial man J.D. Hayworth. In Alaska, the Senate primary fight between Lisa Murkowski and Todd Palin’s snowmobiling buddy is secretly a proxy battle between [...]
Poor Scared Walnuts Has Spent So Much Money
John McCain was tortured for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS in Vietnam (proving he is brave), and has been a Senator for decades and was his party’s presidential candidate not even two years ago (proving that he is popular, or at least politically entrenched), and his primary opponent is a lunatic infomercial star with an [...]
John McCain Won’t Be Asking Elena Kagan To Prom
America’s third-favorite McCain is an Op-Ed columnist at America’s first-favorite McPaper! And man oh boy, is he hoppin’ mad at that wily Mexican-Hebrew Elena Kagan. But why? Because of War, of course!
John McCain’s Latest Commercial Steals Matthew Lesko’s ‘Free Money’ Commercial
Just last week your Wonkette shared a new ad by Arizona Grandpa John McCain against the infomercial con artist J.D. Hayworth, who wants to steal McCain’s frayed ol’ Senate seat plus replace your hard-earned dollars with fantasy “free government money.” Walnuts has released another new ad, and it’s almost exactly like last week’s except better [...]
McCain Forced To Air Ad Basically Admitting He Could Lose To Infomercial Man
Old man John McCain has been forced to go ON THE ATTACK in his race for re-election in Arizona, airing a new ad that calls his GOP opponent, J.D. Hayworth, a no-good “huckster.” That cute grandfatherly zinger is based on the fact that Hayworth has done a series of infomercials promising “free government money” to [...]
John McCain’s Twitter Talks Awkwardly To Cancer-Bed Troll
Gross old liebot John McCain, whose entire head is made of skin cancer and bullshit, is having a very important policy discussion with “Snooki,” a bright orange dwarf who appeared on a chilling documentary about emotionally challenged adolescents left alone in a tacky vacation house to die of STDs. John McCain won’t tax you for [...]
blog advertising is good for you
