WALNUTS

Oh God, John McCain, he is getting more senile by the hour. Somebody handed Walnuts a copy of the Wall Street Journal, which, in the paper’s effort to fill all of its blank pages with words about anything besides disgraced overlord owner Rupert Murdoch, said let’s type words comparing Tea Party people to hobbits. Uh, […]

There are many actual “Mexican-looking people” who live alongside their humorless Teabagger neighbors always crowding Arizona’s legislative agenda with endless bills to outlaw brown skin, a project which brown-skinned people mysteriously do not appreciate. Luckily for people who do not love ethnic warfare, however, some of these Latino people are both tired of this and […]

What do we always know about America’s myriad unsolved problems? They are the fault of the illegalz. Recently, the illegalz have been trying to burn down all of Arizona with their chronic pyromaniac ruthlessness, according to senior desert wildfire detective Sen. John McCain. Asked by reporters at a press conference, “what’s the deal and how […]

Professional quitters the Palin clan are working on their resume again: Bristol Palin is moving out of her Phoenix narcomansion only six months after she paid $172,000 in cash for it. She’s renting it out for $1,400 a month so that YOU TOO can wake up each day in the angry meth wonderland exurbs of […]

Senate Democrats were unable to convince ancient turtle-beast Mitch McConnell that he actually needs sixty votes to repeal health care reform, resulting in hours of pointless “debate” and a dumb final vote of 51-47 against repeal. Nobody expected this to happen, since the measure was “tacked on to an unrelated aviation bill” and Republicans “expected […]

Is this still happening? Has Rand Paul bankrupted America and outlawed blogging yet? We’re entering HOUR FOUR of this teabagstravaganza, and we’re still weeping for the loss of Our Christine (“You”) because comedy is going to be in short supply, forever, and she was our queen! Well whatever. At least John McCain won his easy-ass […]

He was a Maverick! Except, of course, he wasn’t any such thing. He had morals and convictions! Except, he never did, about anything. John McCain never did anything but squander the proud military legacy of his family and then carpetbag his way to Arizona where he smelled money and opportunity. He dumped his crippled wife […]

John McCain has been called many things during his endless Washington career — “craven,” “shameless,” “amoral,” “stupid,” “drug addled,” “world’s worst pilot” and “completely full of shit” — but until this week nobody has ever used the word “genius” to describe ol’ Walnuts. Now, some bored professors somewhere have ranked all 100 senators’ use of […]

We wondered last night just how much money John (Cindy) McCain blew on Arizona’s GOP Senate primary. And now, with a preliminary total of 281,347 votes for ol’ Walnuts, the people at Esquire have done the Hard Math and figured out the craven fraud spent $74.64 for each one of his unenthusiastic votes — $21 […]

America’s new Robert Byrd is John McCain, who will never be voted out of the Senate because Arizona Republicans are also too old and confused and stupid to know what’s happening, ever. Hooray for the ex-Maverick! It only cost Juan the last crumbs of his integrity and legacy, and it cost Cindy $20 million. But […]

What are the fun primaries Americans are going to be forced to vote in, today? In Arizona, Walnuts McCain, having dispensed with his few remaining principles, will almost certainly obliterate huckster infomercial man J.D. Hayworth. In Alaska, the Senate primary fight between Lisa Murkowski and Todd Palin’s snowmobiling buddy is secretly a proxy battle between […]

John McCain was tortured for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS in Vietnam (proving he is brave), and has been a Senator for decades and was his party’s presidential candidate not even two years ago (proving that he is popular, or at least politically entrenched), and his primary opponent is a lunatic infomercial star with an […]

America’s third-favorite McCain is an Op-Ed columnist at America’s first-favorite McPaper!  And man oh boy, is he hoppin’ mad at that wily Mexican-Hebrew Elena Kagan. But why? Because of War, of course!

Just last week your Wonkette shared a new ad by Arizona Grandpa John McCain against the infomercial con artist J.D. Hayworth, who wants to steal McCain’s frayed ol’ Senate seat plus replace your hard-earned dollars with fantasy “free government money.” Walnuts has released another new ad, and it’s almost exactly like last week’s except better […]

Old man John McCain has been forced to go ON THE ATTACK in his race for re-election in Arizona, airing a new ad that calls his GOP opponent, J.D. Hayworth, a no-good “huckster.” That cute grandfatherly zinger is based on the fact that Hayworth has done a series of infomercials promising “free government money” to […]