Wonkette

Like so many McCain campaign disasters — choosing Phil “Poor People Suck” Gramm as financial adviser or announcing a press conference on an oil rig during a hurricane — it probably seemed like a terrific idea at the time: Harass Barack Obama into embarking on an international fact-finding mission thing, which would obviously provide so many embarrassing gaffes and make Americans scared to death of the Boy Muslim President. MORE »

LONE REPORTER GREETS MCCAIN PLANE: “In Manchester last night, there was just one reporter and one photographer waiting for McCain as his plane — a white, blue and gold Boeing 737-400 emblazoned with his campaign slogan, ‘Reform, Prosperity, Peace’ — touched down on the Wiggins Airways tarmac. The Vietnam War veteran limped as he made his way down the metal stairway ….” [N.H. Union Leader]

Oh sure, the stylish basketball star and Ivy League lawyer Barack Obama is loved by all the Hollywood celebrities (and world leaders and leading billionaires and Bob Dylan and all the voters), but even weary old rape-humorist John McCain can claim a little bit of L.A. glitter. Do you remember the hit ’70s surfing sitcom Magnum P.I., about a crusty old Englishman and his mustachioed boy toy? No? Well, that guy (Tom Selleck) is one of, uh, four forgotten Hollywood starlets who have donated some money to McCain’s Titanic. MORE »

Here’s a fantastic new John McCain ad, about Gas Prices. It shows a gas pump in a stream of water. Oh no the water is a mirage! (But why is the pump in a mirage, hmm?) And then the narrator asks, “Who can we thank for rising prices at the pump?” as a million retards scream “OBAMA! OBAMA!” behind Obama’s fat head. Obama put the high gas prices in the middle of the mirage! Finally the narrator tells us, “Don’t hope for more energy, vote for it.” Because a “vote for energy” is a vote for a 72-year-old geezer, see? [YouTube]

Stylish wordsmith Barack Obama had an op-ed in the New York Times last week, which is kind of a big deal. He could be the next David Brooks or Bill Kristol or even Maureen Dowd! So then Grampa Walnuts McCain was all, “Argghhh, I should get a column in the New York Times, I was tortured,” so the Times is all, “Okay, submit one, we guess?” MORE »

PHIL GRAMM: POOR PEOPLE SUCK! “There wasn’t ever a bit of evidence for such an absurd claim, but it didn’t matter. If you repeat a lie often enough, in front of an American Flag, it becomes true for people too dim to know better. After all, it was Patriotic, and only communists and homosexuals would be against Patriotism.” [AOL Political Machine]

Comical old person John “WALNUTS!” McCain appeared on a popular late-night television show on Friday. He was so funny! His jokes are unstoppable. He pretended to fall asleep in Conan’s lap! So funny! Oh and jeez what’s in his mouth now??? Ahhhhhhggg! [Boston Globe/Top of the Ticket]

Now that Barack Obama has killed Comedy, America’s last best hope for political laffs is a McCain-Romney ticket. And it looks like Mitt Romney may oblige, given the latest development in his years-long quest to be humiliated by, with, and on behalf of John McCain. He has forgiven the $45 million in loans he made to himself so that he could eke out a few more weeks in terrible debates with the cranky old war vet during primary season! And this means he probably wants to be vice president. MORE »

John McCain and pals had a lot of fun criticizing Obama for never visiting Iraq. But then Obama announced he would be visiting Iraq after all, in another one of his terrible flip-flops. Well Walnuts, where should inexperienced adult-child Barack Obama go after that? Plane tickets are more expensive by the day, you know: “McCain, who has criticized Obama for not having been to Iraq since 2006, said it was now time for Obama to also go to South America.” After Obama capitulates and makes this trip too, we look forward to the inevitable McCain “wisecrack” that Barack Obama next should “go back to Africa.” [AP]

It’s time to stop with all this “John McCain is from the 18th Century” nonsense, because the GOP nominee-to-be has now seen a computer and is quickly catching up with all the exciting technological developments of the past 45 years. MORE »