Wonkette

Nobody is too enthused about this whole McCain deal, and time is slowing to a crawl as the Voting Public and News Media realize they need to pretend to care about this until a week after Halloween, which seems like 10,000,000 years away, and may never happen anyway, because of the Nuclear War with Iran or whatever Cheney’s working on, for an encore. But Juan McCain is out there all the time, presumably, doing things, campaigning to his constituency (in Mexico), etc. Let’s check in, because there has been a Campaign Shake Up!!! MORE »

Guess who will for sure be John McCain’s pretend vice president until November 4? Creepy businessman Mitt Romney, that’s who! According to a Super Exclusive and Very Weird Sentence by CO-ED Magazine, which is actually a website full of hot young girls who are more than half naked: “Sen. John McCain will choose businessman and former Massachusetts Governor, Mitt Romney as Vice President, in his bid for the White House this November, a source closely connected with the McCain campaign, who asked to remain anonymous, told us earlier this afternoon.” MORE »

Look, everybody. Just donate a little bit to John McCain’s campaign, and you might have the American opportunity to develop the “keen eye” of heroic Richard Cohen! [John McCain]

Littlest candidate John McCain has had a lot of trouble raising money, because Republicans don’t like him and everybody knows he’s going to lose, but he finally had some “good news” today on the money front: Team McCain raised $21.5 million in May, which is the best-ever monthly take for Walnuts … and still only half of Barack Obama’s monthly average of $40 million. [Los Angeles Times]

John McCain has a cute “pet name” for his much-younger second wife, Cindy the beer heiress. The name is “you cunt.” He also calls her “trollop,” which would be kind of funny/retro if he wasn’t 200 years old. Anyway, enjoy some more video, but remember it’s people saying CUNT CUNT CUNT so maybe don’t turn up your speakers, at work. [YouTube]

So that’s why McCain’s campaign put that puke-green screen behind him during his cringe-inducing performance in New Orleans the night Obama won the nomination. Now, Creepy McCain’s “little whining troll” act can be “mashed up” into endless comical variations — Stephen Colbert has encouraged this, on the teevee. Join us for a children’s treasury of crappy YouTube variations, possibly culminating with Yoda McCain surrounded by his brothers, the Ewoks, as they sing “Th-that’s n-not ch-change we can b-believe in.” MORE »

Nothing says “Ha ha, enjoy your black president next year” like this “I WILL HOLD MY NOSE WHEN I VOTE FOR MCCAIN” button sold on a Republican trinket website. There are many other sad and unintentionally hilarious gewgaws for sale at RepublicanMarket.com, but this is the only known example of wingnuts paying two dollars for the privilege of announcing in public that they are repulsed by their only 2008 presidential candidate. [RepublicanMarket.com via Metafilter]

STUPID POLLS DEPT. “Does John McCain live on his bus, the Straight Talk Express?” [Political Machine]