Wonkette

WALNUTS 2: NUT HARDER starring John “Walnuts!” McCain, produced by SalvatoreDIntern and starring Julia Kobos. And your beloved original from 2006 is here.

Let this mark the first time in American History that Wonkette used the exact real-world news headline as the funny comedy news headline. Thanks to Wonkette Operative “Facehead” for the find. [CNN Wire]

Remember how John McCain used to want to lose elections to, uh, whatever that was? Lose elections to win elections? Anyway, this week’s suspension of his campaign is happening in Michigan. Team McCain is closing up shop, pulling the teevee ads, ending the mailers, canceling all events, the end. MORE »

McCAIN IS AN ASSHOLE: Last night on the Senate floor, Barack Obama walked over to greet John McCain and shake his hand. “McCain shook it, but with a ‘go away’ look that no one could miss. He tried his best not to even look at Obama.” [CQ Politics]

We aren’t convinced this is anything beyond not knowing how to get off the thousandth stage he’s stood on this year — AmericaBlog says he maybe had a stroke, because of his twitchy eye — but here’s your “oh dear christ Sarah Palin could really end up as president if McCain doesn’t kill us all first” video moment for the day. [AMERICABlog]

[Huffington Post]

Good lord, people, who even knew we would be doing this, tonight?! Just think, drinking and watching some crap on the teevee and maybe just cold layin’ down some blogs. Oh yeah right that is just the normal life in America every single day … or it was, before the Economy Collapsed. Anyway, who knows what Walnuts! will do — not wear pants? Pick his nose and wipe it on Jim Lehrer? A vaudeville softshoe? Everything’s possible when you are an absolutely crazy old idiot. MORE »

IS McCAIN TRYING TO SAVE BUILDINGS NOW? “We have breaking news out of Washington, D.C. where a building has partially collapsed. ABC2NEWS.COM has learned that the building that collapsed is unoccupied but it is affecting a building that is occupied.” [ABC 2]

Barney Frank is ANGRY, again, and John McCain better stay away from the portly House Financial Services Committee chairman. He says they’re all working with “serious Republicans” but that obviously means no McCain. Frank’s doing a live press conference, which we would liveblog, but we already did one of those this morning and it’s not even noon. Also, the People are going to start lynching CEOs (which is racist) if there’s not some relief for the common folks, &c. MORE »

Here, on this Wall Street Journal web page featuring this op-ed by Henry Paulson’s wife “John Paulson,” a curious advertisement appeared. It was this one, captured by Wonkette Operative “Evan W.,” so now you know! McCain Wins Debate! He wins by … uh, refusing to even say if he’ll show up! Maverick! And look how he suspended the campaign and all! Jesus christ …. [WSJ]

What’s it take to make this guy, our moronic tool of a president, seem like an ever-so-slightly sympathetic figure? Well, there’s the hilarious global dancing he likes to do, and then there’s John McCain. McCain parachuted into town yesterday and RUINED THE COMPROMISE that was at least going to maybe try to save the economy before it completely collapsed. Let’s see what George Junior has to say, as the stock market opens and plunges. MORE »

There are no more nights in politics or business — only the endless horrible grind of collapse and fuckery, 24 hours a day, including this newest chapter in our latest, greatest depression: Washington Mutual has collapsed, and was closed by the Federal Government late Thursday night. It’s the biggest bank failure in U.S. history. And the bipartisan congressional-White House-Treasury bailout deal that might have stopped the bloodshed, well John McCain visited Washington for the first time in half a year and wrecked EVERYTHING. MORE »

We’ve always known, in our hearts, that he was and is Walnuts! You’ve known it, even if you’re not always sure why this is the case. (Here’s why.) And now, finally, from the California GOP itself, here is the ultimate proof that crybaby coward John “Walnuts!” McCain is indeed the one true Walnut. (Click “more” for the big version.) MORE »