Tag Archives: WALNUTS

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Home-Cooked, Hand-Clubbed Fish Dinner

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
Touch of context for those who are new to this series: a Wonkette commenter named Fartknocker ponied up the cash for us to get a subscription to Sarah Palin’s Internet Teevee Channel. The aim of this series is to allow the Wonketariat to snicker at Palin’s new thingy without ever exposing yrselves to the harmful gamma radiation emitted by the Sarah Palin Channel. You are welcome. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Home-Cooked, Hand-Clubbed Fish Dinner…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah’s Deeply Weird Ice Bucket Challenge

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
A man gave us money to watch the Sarah Palin Channel. That man was Fartknocker. The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge! It’s the viral video sensation that’s blowin’ up your teen’s sexxxphone, or it would be if teenagers still used Facebook. And now that she’s done creating a perfect truth echo-sphere, Sarah Palin’s aware of this Ice Bucket Challenge too. So when the owners of Wasilla’s local Arctic Cat retailer challenged Palin to dump some cold water on her head, the Snow Machine Princess of Seward’s Folly delivered. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah’s Deeply Weird Ice Bucket Challenge…
  dial t for torture

John McCain Being A Big RINO Lib Squish Again, Just Because Arizona Tortured A Guy, Whatever

Hey look! ‘Grumpy dickwad’ John McCain took a break and decided to let ‘maverick-y sane-sounding’ John McCain come out and talk. And he said some things about that botched execution in Arizona, including telling Politico that it was “torture.” Does this mean that Gov. Brewer will get an extended vacation to Gitmo? Hot damn, we actually agree with the senior, very very senior Senator from Arizona! Something something doddering blind squirrel finds a walnut. Let’s sexplore!  Read more on John McCain Being A Big RINO Lib Squish Again, Just Because Arizona Tortured A Guy, Whatever…
  hardly made a blimp

John McCain Doesn’t Afraid Of Any Dumb Louie Gohmert

A round of applause, please, for John McCain’s reply to a question from Brian Williams on Wednesday’s NBC Nightly News. Over the weekend, at the Values Voter summit, Texas congressdoofus Louie Gohmert had accused McCain of supporting al Qaeda — this has become the standard teabagger attack on anyone who suggests any support for Syrian rebels, let alone a “let’s bomb Assad” warmonkey like McCain. In a discussion of the increasingly uncivil tone in Washington, Williams noted that Gohmert’s comments “hardly made a blip.” (At least that’s what he meant — we’re pretty sure Williams says “it hardly made a blimp,” which is a phrase we’d like to see catch on.) Read more on John McCain Doesn’t Afraid Of Any Dumb Louie Gohmert…
  being boring

Let’s Applaud Elizabeth Warren And John McCain For Their Bank Bill Before Lobbyists Murder It To Death

In a valiant effort to undo one of the regulatory fuckups that led to the 2007-08 financial crisis, a bipartisan group of senators has introduced a bill that would reinstate some of the provisions of the New Deal-era Glass-Steagall Act, requiring banks to separate their retail banking functions from their riskier investment activities, essentially forcing most big banks to split into smaller entities. The bill is sponsored by Wonkette Permanent Nerdlust Object Elizabeth Warren, Washington Sen. Maria Cantwell, Sen. Angus King of Maine, and, in one of his mystifying periodic lurches toward responsible governing, by Sen. John McCain (R-Walnuts). Does the “21st Century Glass-Steagall Act” have a chance of becoming law? Hahaha, we actually asked that question out loud, didn’t we? Read more on Let’s Applaud Elizabeth Warren And John McCain For Their Bank Bill Before Lobbyists Murder It To Death…
  epic trolling

Dick Cheney Offers Opinions, Irony Meters Become Sentient Long Enough To Jump From Tall Buildings

How unfair is it that (insert name of a beloved family member/spouse/friend/celebrity/pet/serial killer/Iraqi citizen/American soldier here) is dead and Dick Cheney still roams the earth? Just the thought of that ancient visage sneering at all of us from the crypt where he hangs out in between feedings is enough to send yr Wonkette into apoplectic shock. If he couldn’t retire to a cell in the Hague, is it too much to ask that he at least stay the fuck out of the public eye for the rest of eternity? Alas, there are still some who think Dick Cheney’s opinion matters, and those people have airtime to fill on the teevee. So, taking a break from his usual daily activity of disemboweling virgins and feasting on their bloody entrails for sustenance, the former president vice-president appeared on “Fox News Sunday” to opine on America’s recent “discovery” that our government knows about every time we have ever called out for Chinese food in the last decade. Read more on Dick Cheney Offers Opinions, Irony Meters Become Sentient Long Enough To Jump From Tall Buildings…
  priorities

John McCain Stands Up for America’s Oppressed Cable Subscribers

Chairman of the Senate committee on Elder Grievances John McCain is boldly taking on Big Television to address an issue dear to wrathful retirement community members everywhere: the cable bill is apparently too damn high. (We would not know. Your Wonkette has never had cable, because snore.) Ol’ Walnuts has introduced the Television Consumer Freedom Act, to defend history’s most sacred freedom of all. The bill would encourage cable companies to offer channels a la carte in lieu of the current tyrannical model, which forces consumers to pay for bundles that include unwanted channels. We do not care whatsoever about how much people must pay for mindless entertainment, but here is where we would like to note that the traditional congressional approach of “always doing nothing” to stop this crisis would likely better serve the American public by possibly encouraging cable television viewership to continue to decline. We assume, however, that John McCain’s heroic effort is aimed at making sure he doesn’t break with that other congressional tradition of “always making things worse.” In McCain’s defense, why ruin a perfect record? Read more on John McCain Stands Up for America’s Oppressed Cable Subscribers…
  Touch Monkeys

Earth’s Sentient Population Urges John McCain To Just Shut The Hell Up Already, Please

Poor dumb (clueless? Nahh, definitely dumb) old man John “That One” McCain simply does not see why anyone is making a fuss over his simple little joke calling Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a monkey, because for god’s sake, people, it is a JOKE and also did you notice that Iran is our enemy? And it’s always OK to call the enemy a monkey, so will you all just LIGHTEN UP, people! It is not racist to call a dirty foreign leader a monkey, also, look at all the people comparing George Bush to a chimp, dammit you people I didn’t spend FIVE AND A HALF YEARS in a slope gook dink POW camp to put up with being called a racist! Read more on Earth’s Sentient Population Urges John McCain To Just Shut The Hell Up Already, Please…
  Still Not Watergate

Bitter Old Senators And Hot Young Thing Deeply Troubled By Americans’ Inexplicable Refusal To Freak Out Over Benghazi

Egad! Horrible lying liar Susan Rice and acting CIA Director Mike Morrell met with senators John McCain, Lindsey Graham, and new amiga Kelly Ayotte, and she scurrilously admitted that what she said on TV talk shows five days after the Benghazi attacks was factually incorrect because she didn’t have all the facts at the time she said that the attack was being investigated. McCain, Graham, and Ayotte immediately told reporters that the real scandal here is that when Rice went on TV, she said a thing that turned out not to be true, simply because the CIA had told her that thing, and instead of simply saying “we don’t know,” she said that they thought maybe it was one thing, but they were still looking into it. How dare she mislead the American people like that! No, really, that is the actual controversy, as near as we can figure out. Read more on Bitter Old Senators And Hot Young Thing Deeply Troubled By Americans’ Inexplicable Refusal To Freak Out Over Benghazi…
  ban money

Trusty Surrogate John McCain Talks About All That ‘Foreign Money’ Funding Romney Campaign

His lordship St. John McCain is all over the place this week, yelling about popcorn and pigs, on Twitter, demanding leak investigations, whining about how Obama never called him, and, well, how about a little rant about campaign finance now to top off the week? What does McCain, a top Mitt Romney surrogate, think about Sheldon Adelson, the guy footing the bill for Mitt Romney this year? “Much of Mr. Adelson’s casino profits that go to him come from his casino in Macau, which says that obviously, maybe in a roundabout way foreign money is coming into an American political campaign.” Ha ha, he just suggested that Romney’s candidacy is built on foreign money. How does John McCain have so few friends? Sorry, he wasn’t finished: “…We have to have a limit on the flow of money and corporations are not people.” Ohhhhhhhh Walnuts! Read more on Trusty Surrogate John McCain Talks About All That ‘Foreign Money’ Funding Romney Campaign…
  the holiest mission of all

John McCain Needs Stuff to Sacrifice to War Gods, to Save War Budget

PANIC PANIC PANIC PANIC! John McCain is all hot tears and snot right now over $600 billion in automatic cuts to defense spending triggered by the laughably predictable failure of the debt supercommittee last fall, so WALNUTS and his merry band of warhawks are stomping around the Senate hunting for government jobs to axe from the budget as a sacrifice to the war gods, in hopes of preventing the cuts from taking effect next year. Would five percent of the federal government workforce appease you, o Thor or Huitzilopocthli or Ares or Jesus or whoever wants to listen, COME ON HERE? Read more on John McCain Needs Stuff to Sacrifice to War Gods, to Save War Budget…
  give them an HBO special immediately

Senate Old Farts McCain And Schumer Hold Mad Comedy Duel

Uh-oh, why is John McCain insulting 9/11? Don’t tell us our favorite celebrity political couple John McCain and 9/11 have finally broken up! (Calm down, Lindsey Graham, that is not actually what happened.) No, John McCain jokingly insulted Long Island during a Senate debate by saying that it is “regrettably” part of America, and Chuck Schumer freaked out but could not think of one single nice thing about Long Island to say in its defense on Twitter except that there were people heroically inhabiting Long Island when 9/11 happened. This more or less proves the Walnuts point correct (hooray, he finally got one right after 19 million years in the Senate!), but no way did the fun stop there. Read more on Senate Old Farts McCain And Schumer Hold Mad Comedy Duel…
  civil liberties say what

Running Low On New Wars, Senate Declares U.S. Soil Latest ‘Battlefield’

Good news, everyone! Ever since launching major foreign invasions got a little too expensive and pointless (mostly expensive) even for Congress, and Times Are Tough, our nations’ lawmakers have decided to start “focusing on the domestic issues” like everyone keeps asking them to do, ad nauseum. But since it is impossible for Congress to agree any piece of legislation relating to actual domestic issues like, say, rising poverty, they’ve defaulted back to their only known area of total agreement, “permanent war.” So here’s an idea, what if there were a way to just combine the two? Oooh, the Senate likey: yesterday they passed a bill effectively declaring the United States its own shiny new warzone that would codify the military’s power to hunt on its own soil for anyone — foreign national or American citizen — that they determine meets the vaguely-worded criteria of being “a participant in the course of planning or carrying out an attack or attempted attack against the United States” and ship them off to an internment camp to rot away without trial, forever. Will Bradley Manning finally get some company from his fellow citizens? Read more on Running Low On New Wars, Senate Declares U.S. Soil Latest ‘Battlefield’…
  amateur wizards

Mitt Romney Ad Magically Turns McCain Advisor’s Words Into Obama’s

The quantum of total emptiness sashaying about in a flesh suit and calling itself “Mitt Romney” just cannot catch a break, in the polls! Mitt wants this presidency thing so very badly, you can practically taste the flopsweat. (Look for low notes of malted milk and Brylcreem in this year’s vintage.) Here is Mittens’ latest campaign ad, where he plays the role of a humanoid who “believes in America,” unlike confirmed socialist Muslin Barack Obama, who in the beginning of the video just cold admits that “if we keep talking about the economy, we lose!” Boy, that dude would have to be EMPTY IN THE HEAD to say that! Just straight up flashing a big ROOM AVAILABLE sign across the noggin’, right? Read more on Mitt Romney Ad Magically Turns McCain Advisor’s Words Into Obama’s…
  missed economic opportunities

McCain and Graham Pout U.S. Didn’t Get to Drop Enough Bombs on Libya

Aging lesbian power couple John McCain and Lindsey Graham are excited to hear about what appears to be the final collapse of the Qaddafi regime in Libya, although Sartorial Satan is still in hiding and Tripoli is not yet under full rebel control. Team McHamBiscuits nonetheless have an important nonsense neoconservative reflection on the whole saga: “we regret that this success was so long in coming due to the failure of the United States to employ the full weight of our airpower.” So sorry! to Libya, that the U.S. was not more involved in your conflict. U.S. military intervention in foreign conflicts is historically a top choice for fast conflict resolution, so really just a huge apology if Libya feels it missed out on that. Can John McCain still get some of Libya’s money, though? Read more on McCain and Graham Pout U.S. Didn’t Get to Drop Enough Bombs on Libya…
  we just wanted to use this picture again

Wingnuts Ambush John McCain Demanding He Retract ‘Hobbits’ Insult

Roving gangs of unruly Arizona Teatards showed up to a John McCain town hall meeting to do the usual: holler and gnash their teeth and complain about the price of scooter fuel and double deep fried Oreos. Not news! But the butthurt contingent of lunatics also demanded that WALNUTS apologize for that one recent time he called them “hobbits,” which is laffable because we are called worse things than this on most days and still find that funny. That is probably what makes us “librul,” come to think of it. Anyway, sorry, WALNUTS, your constituent ranks are swollen with humorless racist conspiracy-theorist doofuses. Try running for Harry Reid’s seat next time, we hear showgirls and chippendale dancers still mysteriously prefer bland white olds to maniac Tea Party screamers, and the election night party is probably better. Read more on Wingnuts Ambush John McCain Demanding He Retract ‘Hobbits’ Insult…
  walnuts! needs a nap

Confused Walnuts Starts ‘Lord of the Rings’ Debt Ceiling Fight Meme

Oh God, John McCain, he is getting more senile by the hour. Somebody handed Walnuts a copy of the Wall Street Journal, which, in the paper’s effort to fill all of its blank pages with words about anything besides disgraced overlord owner Rupert Murdoch, said let’s type words comparing Tea Party people to hobbits. Uh, sure! Hobbits are of course the most topical fantastical children’s story character for a columnist to choose this summer, but old Walnuts thought this was hilarious and appropriate and so he marched onto the Senate floor with this editorial in hand and read it aloud, to make his point about everyone in the Tea Party being insane.  And now magically everyone is super upset including Sharron Angle (?) and Rand Paul and Discover magazine, who will naturally all respond with more “Lord of the Rings” references. Read more on Confused Walnuts Starts ‘Lord of the Rings’ Debt Ceiling Fight Meme…
  they got our vote

Screw White Olds’ Tea Party, Latinos Starting Tequila Party

There are many actual “Mexican-looking people” who live alongside their humorless Teabagger neighbors always crowding Arizona’s legislative agenda with endless bills to outlaw brown skin, a project which brown-skinned people mysteriously do not appreciate. Luckily for people who do not love ethnic warfare, however, some of these Latino people are both tired of this and have a sense of humor about it, so they started the “Tequila Party.” We seem to remember having joined a “Tequila Party” last weekend, so apparently they already got our vote! Read more on Screw White Olds’ Tea Party, Latinos Starting Tequila Party…
  alien conspiracies

John McCain Says Pyromaniac Aliens To Blame For AZ Wildfires

What do we always know about America’s myriad unsolved problems? They are the fault of the illegalz. Recently, the illegalz have been trying to burn down all of Arizona with their chronic pyromaniac ruthlessness, according to senior desert wildfire detective Sen. John McCain. Asked by reporters at a press conference, “what’s the deal and how will you fix these insane wildfires,” he said what all Arizona GOP politicians say when they are too old and senile to actually hear and understand the questions anymore: “IT’S THE BORDER.” Old Grunty McWalnuts felt “evidence” was sort of a high standard of proof, so he went with “probably it was these things” like immigrants lighting fires at night to stay warm or send signals. Uh, okay! Aliens would rather start fires in the desert that they usually like to use for walking over from Mexico, because it is fun when it is exponentially more lethal to cross than ever before. Read more on John McCain Says Pyromaniac Aliens To Blame For AZ Wildfires…