WALNUTS
John McCain Stands Up for America’s Oppressed Cable Subscribers
Chairman of the Senate committee on Elder Grievances John McCain is boldly taking on Big Television to address an issue dear to wrathful retirement community members everywhere: the cable bill is apparently too damn high. (We would not know. Your Wonkette has never had cable, because snore.) Ol’ Walnuts has introduced the Television Consumer Freedom [...]
Earth’s Sentient Population Urges John McCain To Just Shut The Hell Up Already, Please
Poor dumb (clueless? Nahh, definitely dumb) old man John “That One” McCain simply does not see why anyone is making a fuss over his simple little joke calling Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a monkey, because for god’s sake, people, it is a JOKE and also did you notice that Iran is our enemy? And it’s always OK [...]
Bitter Old Senators And Hot Young Thing Deeply Troubled By Americans’ Inexplicable Refusal To Freak Out Over Benghazi
Egad! Horrible lying liar Susan Rice and acting CIA Director Mike Morrell met with senators John McCain, Lindsey Graham, and new amiga Kelly Ayotte, and she scurrilously admitted that what she said on TV talk shows five days after the Benghazi attacks was factually incorrect because she didn’t have all the facts at the time [...]
Trusty Surrogate John McCain Talks About All That ‘Foreign Money’ Funding Romney Campaign
His lordship St. John McCain is all over the place this week, yelling about popcorn and pigs, on Twitter, demanding leak investigations, whining about how Obama never called him, and, well, how about a little rant about campaign finance now to top off the week? What does McCain, a top Mitt Romney surrogate, think about [...]
Enjoy John McCain’s 2008 Treasury of Romney Opposition Research, Today!
Oh look what Buzzfeed found, ha ha ha ha ha: McCain 2008 Oppo File
Senate Old Farts McCain And Schumer Hold Mad Comedy Duel
Uh-oh, why is John McCain insulting 9/11? Don’t tell us our favorite celebrity political couple John McCain and 9/11 have finally broken up! (Calm down, Lindsey Graham, that is not actually what happened.) No, John McCain jokingly insulted Long Island during a Senate debate by saying that it is “regrettably” part of America, and Chuck [...]
Running Low On New Wars, Senate Declares U.S. Soil Latest ‘Battlefield’
Good news, everyone! Ever since launching major foreign invasions got a little too expensive and pointless (mostly expensive) even for Congress, and Times Are Tough, our nations’ lawmakers have decided to start “focusing on the domestic issues” like everyone keeps asking them to do, ad nauseum. But since it is impossible for Congress to agree [...]
McCain and Graham Pout U.S. Didn’t Get to Drop Enough Bombs on Libya
Aging lesbian power couple John McCain and Lindsey Graham are excited to hear about what appears to be the final collapse of the Qaddafi regime in Libya, although Sartorial Satan is still in hiding and Tripoli is not yet under full rebel control. Team McHamBiscuits nonetheless have an important nonsense neoconservative reflection on the whole saga: [...]
Wingnuts Ambush John McCain Demanding He Retract ‘Hobbits’ Insult
Roving gangs of unruly Arizona Teatards showed up to a John McCain town hall meeting to do the usual: holler and gnash their teeth and complain about the price of scooter fuel and double deep fried Oreos. Not news! But the butthurt contingent of lunatics also demanded that WALNUTS apologize for that one recent time [...]
Confused Walnuts Starts ‘Lord of the Rings’ Debt Ceiling Fight Meme
Oh God, John McCain, he is getting more senile by the hour. Somebody handed Walnuts a copy of the Wall Street Journal, which, in the paper’s effort to fill all of its blank pages with words about anything besides disgraced overlord owner Rupert Murdoch, said let’s type words comparing Tea Party people to hobbits. Uh, [...]
Screw White Olds’ Tea Party, Latinos Starting Tequila Party
There are many actual “Mexican-looking people” who live alongside their humorless Teabagger neighbors always crowding Arizona’s legislative agenda with endless bills to outlaw brown skin, a project which brown-skinned people mysteriously do not appreciate. Luckily for people who do not love ethnic warfare, however, some of these Latino people are both tired of this and [...]
John McCain Says Pyromaniac Aliens To Blame For AZ Wildfires
What do we always know about America’s myriad unsolved problems? They are the fault of the illegalz. Recently, the illegalz have been trying to burn down all of Arizona with their chronic pyromaniac ruthlessness, according to senior desert wildfire detective Sen. John McCain. Asked by reporters at a press conference, “what’s the deal and how [...]
blog advertising is good for you
