Tag: WALNUTS

Eat Brussels Sprouts, Bacon And Bleu Cheese Salad Like An Adult, Stupid

You have been told by popular media to hate brussels sprouts. You have been lied to. Come to the glorious, cabbage-y light. "BUT I DON'T LIKE BRUSSELS SPROUTS! THEY TASTE LIKE FARTS AND SADNESS!" No, friend, no. Trust in the...

Put Our Christmas Balls In Your Mouth

Get your brandy-drinking boots on; it's the week of Christmas. Wonkers generally prefer clear liquor, whiskey, or turpentine, but Baby Jesus loves cognac. Let's make some cheese balls for his birthday party. Cheese balls are ubiquitous this time of year...
Turn that poo-face upside down, Sarah.

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Home-Cooked, Hand-Clubbed Fish Dinner

Touch of context for those who are new to this series: a Wonkette commenter named Fartknocker ponied up the cash for us to get a subscription to Sarah Palin's Internet Teevee Channel. The aim of this series is to...
Turn that poo-face upside down, Sarah.

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah’s Deeply Weird Ice Bucket Challenge

A man gave us money to watch the Sarah Palin Channel. That man was Fartknocker. The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge! It's the viral video sensation that's blowin' up your teen's sexxxphone, or it would be if teenagers still used...

John McCain Being A Big RINO Lib Squish Again, Just Because Arizona Tortured A Guy, Whatever

Hey look! ‘Grumpy dickwad’ John McCain took a break and decided to let ‘maverick-y sane-sounding’ John McCain come out and talk. And he said some things about that botched execution in Arizona, including telling Politico that it was “torture.”...

John McCain Doesn’t Afraid Of Any Dumb Louie Gohmert

A round of applause, please, for John McCain's reply to a question from Brian Williams on Wednesday's NBC Nightly News. Over the weekend, at the Values Voter summit, Texas congressdoofus Louie Gohmert had accused McCain of supporting al Qaeda...

Let’s Applaud Elizabeth Warren And John McCain For Their Bank Bill Before Lobbyists Murder It To Death

In a valiant effort to undo one of the regulatory fuckups that led to the 2007-08 financial crisis, a bipartisan group of senators has introduced a bill that would reinstate some of the provisions of the New Deal-era Glass-Steagall...

Dick Cheney Offers Opinions, Irony Meters Become Sentient Long Enough To Jump From Tall Buildings

How unfair is it that (insert name of a beloved family member/spouse/friend/celebrity/pet/serial killer/Iraqi citizen/American soldier here) is dead and Dick Cheney still roams the earth? Just the thought of that ancient visage sneering at all of us from the...

John McCain Stands Up for America’s Oppressed Cable Subscribers

Chairman of the Senate committee on Elder Grievances John McCain is boldly taking on Big Television to address an issue dear to wrathful retirement community members everywhere: the cable bill is apparently too damn high. (We would not know....

Earth’s Sentient Population Urges John McCain To Just Shut The Hell Up Already, Please

Poor dumb (clueless? Nahh, definitely dumb) old man John "That One" McCain simply does not see why anyone is making a fuss over his simple little joke calling Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a monkey, because for god's sake, people, it...

Bitter Old Senators And Hot Young Thing Deeply Troubled By Americans’ Inexplicable Refusal To Freak Out Over Benghazi

Egad! Horrible lying liar Susan Rice and acting CIA Director Mike Morrell met with senators John McCain, Lindsey Graham, and new amiga Kelly Ayotte, and she scurrilously admitted that what she said on TV talk shows five days after...

Trusty Surrogate John McCain Talks About All That ‘Foreign Money’ Funding Romney Campaign

His lordship St. John McCain is all over the place this week, yelling about popcorn and pigs, on Twitter, demanding leak investigations, whining about how Obama never called him, and, well, how about a little rant about campaign finance...

John McCain Needs Stuff to Sacrifice to War Gods, to Save War Budget

PANIC PANIC PANIC PANIC! John McCain is all hot tears and snot right now over $600 billion in automatic cuts to defense spending triggered by the laughably predictable failure of the debt supercommittee last fall, so WALNUTS and his...

Enjoy John McCain’s 2008 Treasury of Romney Opposition Research, Today!

Oh look what Buzzfeed found, ha ha ha ha ha: McCain 2008 Oppo File

Senate Old Farts McCain And Schumer Hold Mad Comedy Duel

Uh-oh, why is John McCain insulting 9/11? Don't tell us our favorite celebrity political couple John McCain and 9/11 have finally broken up! (Calm down, Lindsey Graham, that is not actually what happened.) No, John McCain jokingly insulted...

Running Low On New Wars, Senate Declares U.S. Soil Latest ‘Battlefield’

Good news, everyone! Ever since launching major foreign invasions got a little too expensive and pointless (mostly expensive) even for Congress, and Times Are Tough, our nations' lawmakers have decided to start "focusing on the domestic issues" like everyone...