walmart
Walmart is Just Fine With All Those Taxpayer Subsidies, Says Walmart
This just in: Walmart, depressing as it is, would be an EVEN MORE depressing place to work if taxpayers weren’t subsidizing the low, low wages paid to Walmart employees. Yes, that’s right! You, me, and all the other taxpayers in the room are subsidizing the wages of Walmart workers. It’s almost like we are shareholders, [...]
Another Carl Hiaasen Character Escapes Into Reality, Guns Blazing, In Foiled Walmart Scooter Getaway
We’ll admit it’s no “Two Alligators, A Pole Dancer And Pot At Shooting Scene,” but it’s a close second: In Anchorage, Alaska, a double amputee named Daniel Pirtle got into a dispute with Walmart assistant manager Jason Mahi over whether Pirtle could bring his unleashed dog (named “Wookie,” because why not?) into the store. Manager [...]
You Can Pry The Smith & Wesson From Lady’s Cold Dead Hoo-Haw, And Other Notable Gun News
Oh hai! Welcome to this edition of Our Cold Dead Hands, Wonkette’s weekly look at the state of the gun debate in America, where evil liberals bent on controlling every aspect of your lives continue their efforts to disarm the brave patriots who are the only line of defense between you and the FEMA death [...]
Walmart Will Take Away Your Sad, Meager Benefits For Daring To Say The Word ‘Union’
Fun fact of the day: some Walmart workers get benefits and vacation time! We did not know this, but apparently some of them do, and if they’re super attached to health care and time off, well, they best not be saying the word “Union,” because it might all go away.
Walmart Wages Are No Problem, Says CEO of Walmart
You liberals, getting all excited about Walmart workers and their low wages. How typical. It’s cool though, the Walmart CEO is here to helpfully explain to all of us why these low wages are really not a problem, nope, not a problem at all. In fact, he thinks that Walmart employees are “inspirational” because of [...]
Fox News: Why Is Jerk Obama Making Walmart Cut Its Healthcare Benefits?
Is Walmart doing something horrible today? Well, it’s a “day” so yes, of course Walmart is doing something horrible today. Walmart—the nation’s largest private sector employer—is joining the ranks of companies seeking to avoid their obligation to provide employees with health insurance as required by Obamacare. OF COURSE THEY ARE. See, there is pretty much [...]
Walmart Spokesman: Let Them Eat Cake (They Buy With Discount Cards)
Bleeding heart liberals and latte-drinking East Coast elitists, please do not feel sorry for Walmart workers this Thursday as you enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday and try to think of ways to boycott a store you wouldn’t be caught dead in. You see, even though Walmart workers barely eke out a living on sub-poverty wages, the [...]
Walmart: What’s Good For Walmart Is Good For Country, The Children
Walmart workers are threatening to strike on Black Friday and we at Wonkette couldn’t be happier because we are elitist liberals who do not shop at Walmart. But do not worry, Real Americans, you will not lose your Twinkies AND your big box retailer all in one week, because Walmart is NOT GOING TO TAKE [...]
Walmart Strike Means No More Cedar Cheese or Those Cakes We Like
Today is a sad day for lovers of cedar cheese and those cakes we like because of the Walmart strike. The Walmart strike has, of course, been covered at length in the Labor section of your local newspaper so you are surely familiar with the details, except HA HA, just kidding! You probably don’t have [...]
Wal-Mart’s Billions and the Art Museum of Cruelty: A Christmas Carol
Here is a number we’ve seen bouncing around this week that really makes us want to fire up the old Yule Log, in the sense that the “Yule Log” is a tightly bound human centipede of the richest hundred humans in America, lit on fire: The six heirs to the Wal-Mart fortune have about $93 [...]
Dunkin’ Donuts Stock Goes Nuts As WalMart Sad Lady Sex Cream Fails
We’ve been keeping an eye on the Economic Newz, because sometimes you can “tell things” from the business reports that the political scumsacks won’t admit until it’s already common knowledge (“Unemployment continues to be a challenge,” etc.), and so far it looks like investors are all “Meh” on the debt ceiling/American Default stuff because the [...]
Michelle Obama Endorses Walmart World Takeover
Oh the obese, how quickly they seem to have multiplied across our fair land. The self-aware once had a hero in Michelle Obama, who gave important seminars like “Just Because It Is A Dollar Doesn’t Mean You Should Eat It” and “Put Down the Fried Dough, You Human Stick of Lard.” But no one will [...]
Small Town Texas Walmart Finds Time To Host Bristol Palin Book Signing
Sex advice columnist Bristol Palin continues to roam the lower 48 doling out her witty repartee and shilling copies of her college entry essay (just kidding) to thousands of borderline-illiterate consumers who keep asking her when they can see the free teevee version instead. Who will get to play Bristol? We pick, uh, Matt Damon? [...]
Wal-Mart Shoppers Now Completely Out of Money
Crap merchant Wal-Mart has watched shoppers flee its grim aisles in increasing numbers for the past two years — seven straight quarters of declining sales. So what happened to this glorious monument of American Exceptionalism in the late 20th Century found on the honky-tonk mini-mall edge of every Nowhere Town, USA? Why did working/lower/starving class [...]
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A Children’s Treasury of Sincere Comments Praising Wal-Mart
by Wonkette Jr.
Last week we mentioned that a half-dozen heirs to the Wal-Mart fortune own more than the 100,000,000 Americans at the wrong end of the U.S. Pyramid of Poverty, which is gigantic on the bottom and narrow in the middle and just a teeny tiny point on the top that controls all the wealth in this [...]