Tag Archives: walmart

  Trust no 1

Shhhh, Texas, Everything Will Be Fine When Rick Perry Is President

Sometimes he likes to imagine being president
Have you noticed how perfectly reasonable people who used to wave flags and heart America and scream things like “LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, TRAITOR!” have suddenly, for no reason whatsoever, become suspicious of their government, just because the president is black and not-so-secretly wants to destroy us with terrorism and subsidized healthcare? Read more on Shhhh, Texas, Everything Will Be Fine When Rick Perry Is President…
  Triumph Of The Wal

Walmart Training Video Will Scare You Away From Evil Mean Unions Forever

Nice minimum wage job you got here. Shame if something was to happen to it.
Here is a terrifying anti-union video, mandatory viewing for all new Walmart employees, and designed to warn the Walmart neophyte away from those scary union organizers who are trying to lure unsuspecting “associates” into their evil schemes. As propaganda, it ain’t no Leni Riefenstahl, but it’s enough to do the trick, we guess. And you’ll hardly even notice that all the Genuine Walmart Associates are standing in front of green screen projections of Walmart locations. We know that some of you Wonkers never watch the videos, but this one is worth seeing, just for the sheer horror of it. If Barbara Ehrenreich could handle it, so can you. Read more on Walmart Training Video Will Scare You Away From Evil Mean Unions Forever…
  lol

Allen West Got Sharia Law All Over Him In The Walmart Checkout Line

What Allen West sees when he closes his eyes.
Look, disgraced torturer Allen West is scared of Muslims. They’re everywhere! It used to be they were just in Iraq, and he could handle the situation by pretending to kill them and discharging bullets right next to their heads, but now the Muslims are in America, and not only are they voting, they are also doing Sharia law to him in the checkout line at Walmart. This is a thing that happened, and Allen West was the victim: Read more on Allen West Got Sharia Law All Over Him In The Walmart Checkout Line…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: The Holocaust Was A Hoax, Martial Law In Texas Is Real

NB: Remember, talking about actual Nazis does not violate Godwin's Law
Lots of lovely deleted comments for you this week, many of them in reply to our piece about David Cole, the Holocaust denier who’s found an exciting new career denying climate change (he thinks climate scientists need to be tried for treason or something). Some of the comments were about what you’d expect, like this succinct dismissal of the entire topic, from one “boris_batonov,” who simply wrote: “so you retards believe in the holohoax” — and while we’re offended by his historical illiteracy and terrible punctuation, what really chafes is a username that insults a great cartoon character. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: The Holocaust Was A Hoax, Martial Law In Texas Is Real…
  CONNECT THE DOTS IDIOTS

Texas Gets Ready For Its FEMA Camps. Bye Texas!

Is this a FEMA train that's about to capture all the Americans? Sure, why not.
This Operation Jade Helm 15 conspiracy theory just gets funnier and funnier MORE AND MORE REAL. If you’ll remember, the U.S. military is set to do a totally routine exercise this summer in the western states, which has led obviously sane Texans to conclude that Obama has decided to invade Texas, which is strange, since Obama already controls Texas, GET YR GUNS READY! They’re either doing this because ISIS is right across the Mexican border waiting to attack (no they aren’t), or because it’s just time for Obama to declare himself emperor and do martial law to everybody. And now we have the trains to prove it! Read more on Texas Gets Ready For Its FEMA Camps. Bye Texas!…
  this Jade Helm thing just keeps getting better and better

Walmart To Texas Wingnuts: We’re Not Building Secret Tunnels So China Can Come Kill You

PART OF THE CONSPIRACY!
High priest of the nutjob conspiracy theorists Alex Jones has utterly lost control of his congregation. He has tried to assure the Operation Jade Helm 15 truthers that a string of Walmart closings around the country have absolutely nothing to do with the TOTALLY REAL Jade Helm conspiracy, which is that a completely routine military exercise is actually a secret plot whereby President Obama may invade and conquer Texas, maybe as a way to give it to ISIS as a peace gift, or something, who can even know what Obama has up his sleeve? But the loons just won’t listen to Alex Jones, so Walmart has had to jump in and issue perhaps the most awesome press statement in the history of Walmart: Read more on Walmart To Texas Wingnuts: We’re Not Building Secret Tunnels So China Can Come Kill You…
  Stop laughing these idiots are really scared LOL

Hero Gov. Greg Abbott Will Stop Obama From Doing Martial Law And ISIS To Poor Texans

If you don't believe them, you've probably already been brainwashed.
If you are a fear-addled conspiracy theory-loving wingnut reading this, you already KNOW what we are about to say. Terrible demonic false flag Indo-Kenyan “President” Barack Obama is preparing AT THIS VERY MOMENT to impose martial law on Texas, which will probably be enforced by ISIS, who is currently hiding behind some brush just over yonder, on the Mexican banks of the Rio Grande. Shit yer pants and oil yer guns, y’all, it’s time for a revolution! Read more on Hero Gov. Greg Abbott Will Stop Obama From Doing Martial Law And ISIS To Poor Texans…
  The Second Amendment does not rest on Sundays sheeple

North Carolina Won’t Let You Hunt On Sundays, Thanks Obama

Yay, puns!
Did you know that in Obama’s America (okay, Obama’s North Carolina), you can’t wake up on Sunday morning and go hunting? No, seriously, this is a thing! Under current law, hunters, on their own property, or with the property owner’s permission, are not allowed to decide that Sunday is a good day to say “screw church” and set to the truly worshipful task of bagging a buck. So members of the North Carolina House are trying to fix that with HB 640. But who’s against it? Church people! Even though the law says you can’t hunt within 300 yards of a church, these obviously crazy people are worried about things like stray bullets hitting Nana while she’s singing “Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow,” like stray bullets even exist. Read more on North Carolina Won’t Let You Hunt On Sundays, Thanks Obama…
  Usually Kaili is mad about a thing but it's MY TURN BITCHEZ

Walmart Withholds Medicine From Lady Who Miscarried, Because She’s Probably A Sinner

Everyone woman should have babies except not
Imagine you are a lady, and you are going through the sadness that comes with a miscarriage. This is one of those times in life, we imagine (as we are a dude), that you really don’t want to deal with any bullshit, just a guess? So you go to the doctor, and he gives you a prescription for Misoprostol, which will help your body pass the tissue, instead of having to go through an invasive, unpleasant procedure to extract it. Doc calls your scrip in to the friendly neighborhood Walmart, but the pharmacist refuses to fill it, because Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs. You see, this particular drug can ALSO cause an abortion, which is not a FUCKING PROBLEM if you have already miscarried, now is it? But that is exactly what happened to Brittany Cartrett of Milledgeville, Georgia: Read more on Walmart Withholds Medicine From Lady Who Miscarried, Because She’s Probably A Sinner…
  Clean-up on aisle six

Let’s Jizz All Over The Walmart: Your Florida Roundup

Dumber than a speeding bullet
Lots of hot, fresh Florida Man action this week! Let’s dive right in and see what trouble he’s gotten himself into this time. Cited For Inappropriate Usage Of Floridian Genitals So … ever been at a Walmart, seen a purrrty lady walk by, and decided you needed to choke the chicken right fucking there? No? Meet 20-year-old jerker-offer Taylor Davis, who flogged the bishop and then wiped the, um, byproduct on a couple of Hefty trash bag boxes: Read more on Let’s Jizz All Over The Walmart: Your Florida Roundup…
  Roll back ... discrimination?!

Arkansas Gov. Asa Hutchinson Won’t Sign Anti-Gay Bill As Is, Reports Walmart

Having learned nothing from the PR disaster in Indiana this week, the Arkansas legislature passed its own Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA) on Tuesday, sending it to the desk of Republican Gov. Asa Hutchinson. The bill, HB 1228, is a close facsimile of the one signed by Gov. Mike Pence, and, just as in Indiana, has resulted in several corporations threatening to cease or reduce operations in the state. Read more on Arkansas Gov. Asa Hutchinson Won’t Sign Anti-Gay Bill As Is, Reports Walmart…
  twits gotta twit

George Will: Income Inequality Is Good So Poors Should Shut Up

Suck it, people concerned that widening income inequality could lead to economic disruptions and social upheaval!
A cry rang throughout the home of bowtied wax statue George Will, and that cry was “Mother! Father got into the cooking sherry again! He’s locked in his study gibbering like a baboon! Bring me a butterfly net and some spring training box scores!” Read more on George Will: Income Inequality Is Good So Poors Should Shut Up…
  Aggravated Doing Unto Others

Christian End Times Family Band Gunfighting With Cops For The Lord

C'mon Get Raptured!
Several members of a Christian family band from Boise, Idaho, got into a brawl and gunfight with police in a Walmart parking lot in Cottonwood, Arizona, on Saturday night, leaving one member of the family dead and the rest in police custody. The group, which called itself “Matthew 24 Now” (GET IT???*) looked forward to the coming End Times, and apparently felt the need to hurry up the schedule a little when they attacked police and fired on them. Maybe they just loved the smell of cordite in the evening. Read more on Christian End Times Family Band Gunfighting With Cops For The Lord…
  better than new zealand maybe

Mind If We Grab Your Ass? Your Florida Roundup

Meth, baby
Florida. It’s a marvelous place, no? A place so resplendent that millionaire Major League Baseball players choose not only to call the state home, but to live in a camper behind a Florida Walmart, because Florida is just that fucking wonderful, even in a camper behind a Walmart. Read more on Mind If We Grab Your Ass? Your Florida Roundup…
  maybe they can find the money in one of Alice Walton's shoes

Walmart Says Ugh, Fine, We Will Give People A Tiny Raise, Whatever

Walmart, the kindest, best place to work in America, has a long history of being A Total Dick about just about everything. The company famous for that stupid bouncing yellow dot, labor violations, and also for its employees’ annual food donation drives, for each other, because they cannot afford to put food on their families on Walmart paychecks, has announced that UGH FINE we will give everybody a little bit more money, if that will make them shut up: Read more on Walmart Says Ugh, Fine, We Will Give People A Tiny Raise, Whatever…
  a greeter in every camp

Fox’s John Stossel Will Turn Over All Disaster Relief To Our Benevolent Walmart Overlords

always with the props, dude
Insipid Libertarian Mario Brother John Stossel once again showed why he sits at the Smart Kids’ table on Fox News trips to Dave & Busters’. Speaking to Frozen Meatloaf scion Tucker Carlson, Stossel made the case that we’d all be much better off with a government small enough to drown in a bathtub, especially if our compassionate brothers and sisters at Walmart Inc. were tabbed to be first responders for all future drownings. Read more on Fox’s John Stossel Will Turn Over All Disaster Relief To Our Benevolent Walmart Overlords…
  Oh Also The Entire Premise of The Story Is False. Did We Mention That?

Texas Walmart Discriminates Against Shotgun Wedding Photo (With Actual Shotgun)

NOT EVEN LIBERAL BLOG WONKETTE is offended by this. Giggling at, yes. Offended, no.
Yr Wonkette likes to think we are firmly in the radical gun-grabbing kneejerk pantywaist big sissy liberal portion of the political spectrum, but once in a rare while we find ourselves reading about something that is so idiotic that Even the Liberal Blog Wonkette has to agree it’s just too stupid for words. For instance, this story from Dallas about a nice couple, Stephanie Wehner and her fiancé Mitch Strobl, who submitted a packet of engagement photos to Walmart for copying. The photos came back with one photo missing — a tender loving picture of the gal, the beau, and the beau’s first true love, a “12 gauge Ruger Red Label Shotgun,” the very first gun he bought himself. Read more on Texas Walmart Discriminates Against Shotgun Wedding Photo (With Actual Shotgun)…
  What you Gun Do?

BREAKING: Idaho Newspaper Trashes NRA, Has Not Yet Been Burned To Ground

Shopped? Probably not, but who knows?
Image from Larry Brown Sports Just thought you Wonkers should know that not everybody in Idaho is a raving open-carry gun-fondler, although that does tend to be the prevailing political view in the Gem State. Consider, for instance, this editorial from Sunday’s Twin Falls Times-News, in which the editorial board takes the National Rifle Association to task for its opposition to even the slightest hint of regulation of guns. Read more on BREAKING: Idaho Newspaper Trashes NRA, Has Not Yet Been Burned To Ground…
  santa is coming and he's pissed

Walmart Knows The Reason For The Season: Santa Cops!

Here is a “fun” picture from your friendly neighborhood Walmart, which shows the real reason for the season: Santa cracking down on crimers and thugs! Notice his North Pole penguin (because “magic”) with the radar gun. If you are a white crimer, you will get a speeding ticket. If you are a black crimer — but obviously we repeat ourself — then G_d only knows what will happen to you. Before you leave for work today, please kiss your mama and your wife. Read more on Walmart Knows The Reason For The Season: Santa Cops!…
  Not Sure I Agree With You 100% On Your Police Work There

Ohio Cops Who Killed Guy In Walmart Pretty Sure His Girlfriend Made Them Do It

A lotta police departments might base their interrogation on the facts of the case. Or not.
Remember John Crawford, shot to death by police in an Ohio Walmart for carrying a BB gun he’d picked up off the store’s shelf? For extra “fun,” we bring you The Guardian’s story on the interrogation of his girlfriend, Tasha Thomas, in an apparent attempt by police to prove that of course Crawford had it coming, don’t you know he was black? Read more on Ohio Cops Who Killed Guy In Walmart Pretty Sure His Girlfriend Made Them Do It…
  Brother can you spare some canned corn?

Walmart Canned Food Drive For Its Own Employees Hits Alice Walton Right Where She Lives

What is wrong with this picture?
It’s that time of year again when the the magnanimous folks at Walmart ask the company’s hard-working employees to dig deep into their low-wage pockets to give, give, give to each other, on account of how hard-working employees of Walmart can’t even afford to eat that bargain Walmart food on their Walmart wages. Read more on Walmart Canned Food Drive For Its Own Employees Hits Alice Walton Right Where She Lives…