Tag Archives: walmart

  corporate lives matter

Walmart Pries Guns From Cold Dead Hands, And Other News From Corporate America

friends with benefits
Friends with benefits Good day Wonkette Worker Bees, Wanderers and Prisoners With Internet Privileges. Have you been wondering what your favorite #brands have been up to recently? Well, you’ve come to the right place. We’ve been keeping tabs on all of your favorite corporate persons and are ready to bring you any breaking news on all the big names. It doesn’t matter if it’s The Cute One (Coca-Cola), The Shy One (Koch Industries), The Cool One (Uber), The Sporty One (Monsanto), or The Greasy One (Shell Oil, or is it Walmart? maybe JPMorgan Chase. We’re still working out the kinks). Anyway, if you’re ready to get down with the latest in corporate shenanigans and the people who love to spin them, here we go. Read more on Walmart Pries Guns From Cold Dead Hands, And Other News From Corporate America…
  Worst Honeymoon EVER

Sad Mississippi Lovebirds Just Wanted ISIS Honeymoon Of Their Dreams, Is That Wrong?

THOSE CRAZY KIDS!
THOSE CRAZY KIDS! KIDS THESE DAYS. These two crazy Mississippi kids, Jaelyn Delshaun Young and Muhammad Oka Dakhlalla, had it all, or so they thought. They were in love, they got married, they had planned to fake a honeymoon but instead go fight with ISIS in Syria, they picked out this cute little house on the outskirts of town with a white picket, WAIT WHAT? Why you gotta do ISIS, y’all? What about “the beach” or “France” or “oh fuck it, we’re poor, let’s just drive to Memphis for the weekend?” Ugh, you idiots: Read more on Sad Mississippi Lovebirds Just Wanted ISIS Honeymoon Of Their Dreams, Is That Wrong?…
  Probably

Wingnut Just Asking If Maybe Obama Is BFFs With Kenyan Demon Who Lives Inside Of Him

'S okay, he's a nice demon like Anya.
WorldNetDaily, that arbiter of reasonable news reporting and speculation ONLY when based on sound evidence, has a question: Did Barack Obama take his own personal demon to Kenya with him, and was it caught on camera getting off Air Force One at the same time Obama deplaned, and do they travel with each other often, and is this why flies sometimes land on Obama’s nose, and does the demon tell him what to do, and does this mean that Obama is the antichrist, and what is the demon’s name, and how long has he been personally controlling America’s president, and why can’t I ever wake up in the morning without being followed around by all these BIRDS! BIRDS! BIRDS! They’re everywhere! Can’t you see them? They have claws and fangs and they say the government is collecting data through the toilet when I pee! No, don’t take me to the hospital again, I’ll never come back! Read more on Wingnut Just Asking If Maybe Obama Is BFFs With Kenyan Demon Who Lives Inside Of Him…
  we are extra adorable this week!

Here It Is, The Most Florida Headline To Ever Florida: Your Florida Roundup

We will begin this week’s roundup with a headline that is too perfect, too resplendent, too quintessentially Floridian, for words: Gunshot victim dropped off at Walmart instead of hospital But because Yr Wonkette pays Yr Florida Correspondent to do words, let us break this thing down nice and slow. Read more on Here It Is, The Most Florida Headline To Ever Florida: Your Florida Roundup…
  Operation Soiled Trousers 15

Jade Helm Week Is Here. Have You Decorated Your Bunker Yet?

Surely this proves something!
Congratulations, comrades! It has been a glorious month! Our puppets on the Supreme Court have forced through the twin abominations of Obamacare and Sodomite Marriage, and in the wake of our successful False Flag attack in Charleston, our Politically Correct allies have destroyed the last symbol of resistance to tyranny. Now, while the nation is distracted by the insane ramblings of a crazy man with a tribble on his head, the hour has come for Our Glorious Leader Barack Obama to declare martial law across the southwest, and to start rounding up the guns and the patriots! Jade Helm 15 is finally here! Remember, don’t start the rioting until you hear the code words on the TV: “Rapid Advance, They Helped My Business Grow, Rapid Advance, They Didn’t Say No.” Then head to your nearest Walmart and start yelling whatever slogans come to mind. And remember to say a friendly “Ni hao!” to our Chinese comrades as they come flooding out of the subterranean tunnels, which are the best kind. Even if our Glorious Leader doesn’t announce his plan to bend America to his will this time, there will no doubt be some hilarious videos of idiots yelling at Army dudes. Read more on Jade Helm Week Is Here. Have You Decorated Your Bunker Yet?…
  Minorities demanding special rights

Here’s Your Video Of An Ignorant Bigot Lady Clerk Denying Gays A Marriage License For Jesus

My name is Kim and I'm a total dick, how may be of no help to you today?
Kim Davis is one of those county clerks who thinks that her personal relationship with a bigot version of Jesus that never existed gives her a hall pass from doing her fucking job, which, among other things, is issuing marriage licenses to the couples of Rowan County, Kentucky. Yes, EVEN the gay ones. Davis thinks that if that’s the case, she’ll just stop doing marriage licenses altogether, even though that’s — again — HER FUCKING JOB. So the ACLU is suing her ass right and good, on behalf of four couples in the county who have tried and failed to get marriage licenses. Oh, and they’re not all gay couples, either; half of them (that’s two of the couples, for you D-U-Capital-M’s out there) are opposite-sexing couples! Read more on Here’s Your Video Of An Ignorant Bigot Lady Clerk Denying Gays A Marriage License For Jesus…
  Our Vibrant Political Discourse

Arizona Held The Stupidest Confederate Flag Protest Ever, And It Was Beautiful

'I can't trust you with that information' is the new 'Damned if I know'
Yr Wonkette likes to think we know funny when we see it, and this report by Miriam Wasser on Sunday’s Great Big “Stand By The Flag” rally at a Phoenix Walmart is funny. You should go read it right now and then come back and discuss how it makes you both proud and a little queasy to be an ‘Merican. Also, note the guest appearance by Sad Jon Ritzheimer, the super-patriot who organized the big anti-Islam Rally a few weeks back, and now just wants to be left alone while also getting himself a lot of publicity, because he is a private man who desperately wants his important ideas to be heard. Read more on Arizona Held The Stupidest Confederate Flag Protest Ever, And It Was Beautiful…
  Uncle Dumbass from Slidell

Confederate Loser Buys Delicious ISIS Cake From Walmart Bakery, Doesn’t Eat It

ISIS cake spokesmodel
Gather ’round, little children, for we have a heartwarming story about Walmart, ISIS, cake, and this one Louisiana dumbass named Chuck Netzhammer, who is very sad about how America is stomping all over his beloved traitor Confederate flag. So, because he thinks he is S-M-R-T, he went to the Walmart and said probably something along the lines of “please make me a cake with my favorite flag in the world on it, the one that represents the seditious loser nation that lost the Civil War, for if I do not get this cake, I fear I will never achieve erection again.” Walmart was like “nah, bro.” Netzhammer then had A Idea, so he changed tactics and requested the flag of ANOTHER loser “nation,” the Islamic State, also known as ISIS, or if you are a loser president like Obama, “ISIL.” Read more on Confederate Loser Buys Delicious ISIS Cake From Walmart Bakery, Doesn’t Eat It…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Gay Marriage, Confederate Flags, And Bristol Palin’s Immaculate Conception! Your Weekly Top Ten.

She is such an impressive baby!
Hello, Wonkers, what a week we had! The Confederate flag died a timely death, Obamacare was saved AGAIN, and we now have the mandatory gay marriage the country has been craving for so long. Have you found your gay husband or wife yet? If not, you should find one in the comments, which are not allowed! Also, important update on Wonkette babby! As you can see above, she is now teaching math at the local university, isn’t that exciting? Read more on Gay Marriage, Confederate Flags, And Bristol Palin’s Immaculate Conception! Your Weekly Top Ten….
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: The Illiterate, The Perverse, And The Deranged

Just try to keep the Yaks happy
The deleted comments game is a weird business — sometimes you can predict what topics will draw a lot of crazy comments — guns, Islam, and the Duggars, especially — and then sometimes, there’s a huge news story that doesn’t quite bring out nearly as much derp as we expected. For instance, we were sure that we’d be devoting most of this week’s Dear ShitFerBrains to this week’s Supreme Court decisions: Thursday’s Obamacare ruling and Friday’s complete destruction of America via Ghey Marrying. But apparently those were so traumatic that the Usual Crowd was too busy buying canned foods for the bunker and commiserating on rightwing sites. No doubt after the shock wears off, they’ll begin venturing to Wonkette to tell us precisely which torments we’ll all face in Hell. Ah, but we did hear a fair bit about the Confederate flag, so at least there’s that. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: The Illiterate, The Perverse, And The Deranged…
  Bow down bitches

Use These 5 Black Hippity-Hop Songs To Oppress Sean Hannity’s Lily-White Ass

Sean Hannity knows these are the faces of the True Oppressors.
What is WRONG with Sean Hannity? No, we mean besides the obvious things like his incompletely formed sense of his own masculinity. Hannity had a MELTDOWN over the Confederate Flag on his radio show Wednesday. You see, if retailers are going to get rid of the Confederate flag, he is FINE WITH THAT, but fair’s fair, and they should also ban all that blackity-black music the kids like to twerk to. Right? Because if the Confederate flag is hurtful to black people because of its racist, murderous implications — thanks solely to confessed white supremacist murderer Dylann Roof and for no other reasons at all — then surely rappers who use the N-word in their music are hurting black people just as much as some dumb flag is, right? Read more on Use These 5 Black Hippity-Hop Songs To Oppress Sean Hannity’s Lily-White Ass…
  only $7.99!

Wonkette Doesn’t Sell Confederate Flag Apparel, But We Gots Panties With Teeth!

Burning with a desire for reconciliation, these panties are.
June 23, 2015, will go down as the day America’s corporate overlords realized products bearing the symbol of the Confederate battle flag, which commemorates a group of traitors no better than those who leave America to fight alongside ISIS, are BAD. This came after two days of wingnut Republican elected officials coming to Jesus on the subject of the traitor flag, we assume because their internal pollsters told them that the numbers of of Americans horrified by the murder of nine black churchgoers far outweighs the tiny cohort of cousin-humping bubbas who think the flag represents the Real America. Read more on Wonkette Doesn’t Sell Confederate Flag Apparel, But We Gots Panties With Teeth!…
  We Talk Real Funny Down Here

Walmart Wonders Where It Got All This Confederate Flag Merch

You can tell from the pixels
Suddenly the Confederate flag has become a bad thing, maybe, or at least a “controversial” one. Just one week ago, it was all about “Heritage Not Hate,” but as of Monday afternoon, it’s officially Problematic, because somebody just discovered that — are you sitting down? — some people have adopted it to promote hatred. Astonishing! South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley learned that it was seen that way, and called for the flag to be removed from the state capitol, even though it was just fine last fall. And now, America’s greatest arbiter of taste, Walmart, has announced that it is shocked, shocked! to learn it has been selling items with the Confederate flag on them, and by golly, it’s going to stop selling them. Read more on Walmart Wonders Where It Got All This Confederate Flag Merch…
  He's more like a Walmart greeter

Jesus Christ Welcomes You To Hawkins, Texas, But Not In Some ‘Religious’ Way

Maybe Jesus is a Messican guy who lives in the city.
The mean liberals at the Freedom From Religion Foundation have found their latest target, and it is the innocent residents of Hawkins, Texas, who really like the big ugly-ass sign they have at the entrance to town that says “Jesus welcomes you to Hawkins.” What’s the problem? Oh, it’s on city-owned land, which means the city is endorsing Jesus as a deity, when they are supposed to remain impartial, according to that quaint little thing called the United States Constitution. But hold on a minute, according to the mayor, this is FINE, because Jesus is not welcoming people in a RELIGIOUS way. It’s more because Jesus is so popular — guess he just likes to greet people, like at Walmart: Read more on Jesus Christ Welcomes You To Hawkins, Texas, But Not In Some ‘Religious’ Way…
  Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Big Banks Won’t Stop Cramming Homosexuals Down Franklin Graham’s Throat

Jesus loves the little children, unless they're super-duper gay. SING ALONG!
Poor persecuted Franklin Graham, insane wingnut son of evangelist Billy Graham and president of his daddy’s association, saw a Wells Fargo ad on the teevee, and the ad had lesbians in it, and this shall not stand! So he took his mad right to the Facebook and announced what he was gonna do: close the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association’s Wells Fargo accounts (because he controls them now that his dad is 96) and move them to a better, more gay-hatey bank: Read more on Big Banks Won’t Stop Cramming Homosexuals Down Franklin Graham’s Throat…
  This will solve all the problems

Walmart Workers Get To Wear Jeans Now, Even Better Than Getting Paid

Turn that frown upside down
It really sucks to work at Walmart, what with wages so low, some stores hold food drives for their own employees during the holidays because of how they cannot afford to eat on those crappy Walmart wages. But now it won’t suck quite as much because workers won’t be forced to whistle while they work to Celine freakin‘ Dion or Justin seriously??? Bieber. Also, they get a new not-so-strict dress code, so everything’s cool! Read more on Walmart Workers Get To Wear Jeans Now, Even Better Than Getting Paid…