America’s arbitrarily reginal czarina of letterputtingtogether, Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan, is in a tit-bit of a snit! She refuses to deign either American candidate for Leader as possessing the requisite traits to divert the West’s neo-mercantilist econometric interplay system from almost certain gloom and/or “doom”! Tut tut, what rogues, what Beelzebubs of fiery pagan disposition, are suppressing the hare-like candor we should expect from our two applicants in an epoch of global Money Plague? Noonington knows: ’tis the candidates’ Hired Help — the “political advisers,” as America’s boorish Huns know them — that have poisonedeth the grog of political discourse in the Colonies. Letteth us chance into this seven-day’s issuance of “Declarations.” MORE »

America’s Princess of Light, Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan, has adopted a somber tone for today’s edition of “Declarations.” While sipping on a petite tumbler of butterscotch liqueur and eating pasty crumpets, Noonan writes about how the financial crisis has shown how terribly inept either candidate would be at fixing America’s problems, because neither of them is Zeus or Jesus — basically, how can we expect anything from a president who lacks even a modicum of magical powers, such as mind control or laser-gun eyes? It’s one of those Peggington Noonington columns we love: you disagree with so many obnoxious points along the way, but she manages to end on a few staggering notes that kill you, headlong, right into the weekend. MORE »

News flash: Lanny Davis is still out of his mind. The Clinton shill who grumped off to Fox News after everybody was so mean to him on CNN during the primaries has gone off his meds again, and the proof is in a delightful editorial he wrote for the Wall Street Journal explaining why Hillary Clinton is the best, nay, the ONLY option for vice president if Barack Obama wants to be elected King of America. MORE »

Have you seen the new movie about The Batman? If so, you know what everybody is talking about: How dead Heath Ledger is super awesome as the crazy-ass Joker terrorist. How the idiot George W. Bush is exactly like the heroic Englishman, The Batman. “There seems to me no question that the Batman film The Dark Knight, currently breaking every box office record in history, is at some level a paean of praise to the fortitude and moral courage that has been shown by George W. Bush in this time of terror and war,” writes some dingbat on the Wall Street Journal op-ed page today. Yep, no question at all. [Wall Street Journal]

How much will Marcus Brauchli get to leave the Washington Post in a year or two? Nobody knows, yet! But Brauchli is the new WaPo editor and is expected to make dramatic changes, such as “Maybe the paper should not lose so much money” and “Free stickers in every copy!” Welcome to town, Marcus! Nobody else much likes Washington, either, so don’t feel weird about how D.C. is like some fourth-world slum city run by rats, Russian bodyguards and the Park Service Police. [NYT/Fishbowl DC]

SOMEONE HELP PEGGY NOONAN, POST HASTE: Everyone we have a very severe problem facing our country: Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan is “finding it hard to feel truly upset about what [Jeremiah] Wright has said.” Medic? MEDIC? Not even 1,000 words of Noonington’s mellifluous prose could get her to feel upset about Jeremiah Wright. WHY CAN’T PEGGY NOONAN MAKE HERSELF GET UPSET ABOUT THIS? [WSJ]

America’s finest opinion-writer-of, Peggy Noonan, recently visited an airport somewhere — possibly in West Texas, Oklahoma or Central California. She is the Merle Haggard of the Jet Age, the Woody Guthrie of business travel. Also, she is an old white lady and the TSA minorities are sticking the beeping wand between her withered old thighs, and that ain’t right! It’s unnatural, as she is not even an Arab! Let’s enjoy an Okie-Dog of Metaphors with the Op-Ed Princess of Bloomingdale’s, after the jump.

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Today’s Wall Street Journal broadsheet features a delightful feature about the endless Democratic primary’s steamy silver-lining: hot cross-campaign-pollinating sexy times. Rowr! As the Journal notes, “The most heated presidential primary in recent history has drawn a record number of new voters, galvanized young Americans and forced the nation to confront deep-rooted race and gender issues. It also got Brendan Gilfillan a girlfriend.” Brendan Gilfillan, you sluuuuuut! MORE »

America’s greatest living political columnist, Peggy Noonan, has a heartbreaking new essay in the Wall Street Journal. Poor Peggers loved the previous, cute pope so much — she even wrote a book about him! — and now she’s stuck with this creepy old German with hollow eyes and the kind of personality that was really only effective in the military, during World War II, in Germany. MORE »

Granted, there are no flattering representations of Mark Penn to be found anywhere in this space-time dimension, because Mark Penn has an unflattering face. However, the dot-jockey at the WSJ may have gone a little overboard with this one. Expose children to this image and they’ll be bed wetters for life. [WSJ]

Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke testified about our flourishing American economy to Congress again today, and the economy’s just not good at all! He signaled more rate cuts would come to stave off the growing credit crisis, but balanced it with fears of inflation. As the Federal Reserve noted in its semi-annual policy report today, it foresees “a negative combination of below-trend growth and inflation rates topping 2% this year, though conditions are expected to start improving in 2009.” So we’ll have horrible stagflation for all of 2008, but Ben Bernanke will make 2009 wondrous! MORE »