Tag Archives: wall street journal

  mansions are people my friend

Want To Write About Rich People And Their Rich People Mansions? The Wall Street Journal Wants YOU!

Hey, Serious Journamalists, are you looking for a new challenge? Maybe you’ve done your embedded time in the Iraq or the Afghanistan, and you’ve done your fair share of reporting on blowed up limbs and now you’re like, meh, how can I really push the limits of my reporting skills? Well, polish off that résumé because the Wall Street Journal — our nation’s newspaper of record for people who wake up in the dead of the night cold-sweating about their stock portfolio — has an exciting new opportunity for you to really earn your journamalism stripes: Read more on Want To Write About Rich People And Their Rich People Mansions? The Wall Street Journal Wants YOU!…
  NOONERS!

Someone Tell Peggy Noonan The Fake IRS Scandal Ended Weeks Ago, Or Maybe Don’t, It’s Not Like She Matters

You might think Peggy Noonan has so thoroughly self-discredited by now that her only remaining role in public discourse is to memorialize the simpleton biases and transparent lie-gospels of the anachronistic, bubble-dwelling conservative “elites” who are the Wall Street Journal’s core readership. You know, like she does in this, her latest lazy, hazy word-thing in which she pretends not to have heard that conservatives weren’t actually targeted in the “IRS targeted conservatives” “scandal” and that the whole thing was actually just made up by an ex-car thief and alleged arsonist who was let into Congress for some reason. But lest Peggy Noonan’s badly diminished relevance lull you into complacency, please take a moment to think of the children. Read more on Someone Tell Peggy Noonan The Fake IRS Scandal Ended Weeks Ago, Or Maybe Don’t, It’s Not Like She Matters…
  the luckiest duckies in the world

Wall Street Journal: Homeless People Just In It For All The Free Soup

Hedge fund manager Andy Kessler has figured out the true cause of homelessness: people lose everything and live on the streets because interfering do-gooders provide all those sweet cots and delicious soup-kitchen meals, and if people really wanted to help the homeless, they’d stop wasting their time volunteering, make more money for themselves, and go create some jobs. This insight is folded into Kessler’s larger point, which is that these awful millennial kids are all well-off and spoiled, like his 16-year-old son, and just volunteer to assuage their guilt or because it looks good on their college application. The real question is why Andy Kessler isn’t hard at work drafting the 2016 GOP platform. Then again, maybe he is — Jeb Bush tweetered about it yesterday, saying “Andy Kessler speaks the truth.” Read more on Wall Street Journal: Homeless People Just In It For All The Free Soup…
  let the hague sort it out

Wall Street Journal Wishes Egypt Could Benefit from Its Very Own Pinochet

Good news everyone! Egyptians have (once again) taken to Tahrir square by the millions, and, aided by the military, deposed a sitting president. What is the appropriate reaction here? Is it: a) indifference, because we are ethnocentric Americans who cannot even find Egypt on a map. b) elation, because, as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  put it, “no one is free when others are oppressed” and the Egyptian people have once again proved that they are interested in controlling their own collective destiny. c) sadness, because the Egyptian people would be much better off if a psychopathic authoritarian dictator deposed a democratically elected president, killed or tortured thousands of people, and then imposed free market reforms. Duh, the correct answer according to the Wall Street Journal‘s editorial board is: c) sadness, because the Egyptian people would be much better off if a psychopathic authoritarian dictator deposed a democratically elected president, killed or tortured thousands of people, and then imposed free market reforms. Read more on Wall Street Journal Wishes Egypt Could Benefit from Its Very Own Pinochet…
  You Keep Using That Word

GOP: Obama Court-Packing Or Fudge-Packing Or Something, Who Even Knows

Ugh, we can’t even. Fucking… OK, here we go. The new thing Republicans are saying: Nominating judges to fill vacancies on the DC Circuit Court is “court packing,” despite the fact that it is fucking not court packing, because “court packing” is a term that has an objective, universally acknowledged meaning and that meaning is not “replacing judges as they retire, bless their hearts they are OUT of this shitshow.” Read more on GOP: Obama Court-Packing Or Fudge-Packing Or Something, Who Even Knows…
  punt contrapunt

Senator Lamar Alexander: HHS Chief Kathleen Sebelius Sold Arms To Iran To Fund Obamacare

Why is total mob capo of the DHS HHS Kathleen Sebelius shaking down companies to send arms to Iran so it can rape Nicaraguan nuns? This is an excellent question, one posed just this week by Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander, previously known for being the boring guy who ran for president before Jon Huntsman whose most exciting personality quirk was wearing plaid. Here, let us let ThinkProgress parse it at ya. In an op-ed published in the Wall Street Journal on Wednesday, Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) charged that Sebelius circumvented Congress’ refusal to provide funds for the administration’s health care law by raising those dollars from outside groups, just as “Col. North was accused of using money raised in an arms-for-hostages swap with Iran to fund and work with private organizations providing military support to rebel armies in Nicaragua.” […] “With Iran-Contra, Congress had also prohibited support for the rebels, while in the case of health-care funding, Congress has refused to provide the amounts that the administration has asked for,” Alexander wrote. “But the principle and the legal prohibitions are the same.” Republican chairmen and ranking Republicans on five congressional committees have asked the Government Accountability Office to look into the matter. Well, we certainly don’t see any difference there, do you? Certainly not that one was secretly selling arms to a hostile nation, to secretly fund an outfit that Congress had specifically prohibited funding because of all the nun-raping, and that the other was getting funds for something that was in fact legislated by Congress? Hahaha, just kidding, that would be a stupid contrast. Read more on Senator Lamar Alexander: HHS Chief Kathleen Sebelius Sold Arms To Iran To Fund Obamacare…
  drink drank drunk

Peggy Noonan Cleverly Notes That Bush Is Not Obama, And Obama Is Not Bush

It is Friday, praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, so this soul-sucking week of Republicans pretending George Dubya Bush was awesome is almost over. The Dubya Liberry is now open for business, after a mostly awkward ceremony where Jimmy Carter explained all the awesome things Bush did after Jimmy asked him to, and Bill Clinton made some funnies about Bush’s new hobby of painting himself in the nude — which we guess is a better hobby than bombing shit and tanking the economy, but only slightly because “Bush” plus “nude” plus have you seen those paintings? Ewwww. However, as the week is not quite over just yet, Madame Peggy Noonan would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that she does not like President Obama. Why is this week different from all other weeks, you may ask? Well, it’s not because Obama made her stay in a crappy hotel room. No, this week, it is because Obama is not like Bush, who was the greatest president ever, besides Reagan, obviously, whose rotted corpse will one day rise again and then Peggy will get to make silly words come out of his mouth once more, and then they will bareback a unicorn together and … oh, well, let’s leave Peggy’s private fevered fantasies alone for now, and turn our attention instead to the ones she spewed onto the pages of the Wall Street Journal: Barack Obama was elected president in 2008 because he was not George W. Bush. In fact, he was elected because he was the farthest thing possible from Mr. Bush. Read more on Peggy Noonan Cleverly Notes That Bush Is Not Obama, And Obama Is Not Bush…
  lucky duckies

Tenured Academic At State University Complains About Laziness Of Shiftless Unemployeds

Good news everyone, a report by the Working Poor Families Project indicates that two-thirds of working families are able to pay for basic necessities without a struggle, and 63% of the nation’s children lived in those families in 2011. Can I get a U and an S and an A? USA! USA! Oh, you have astutely noticed that this means 1/3 of working families DO struggle to pay for basic necessities, and that 37% of the nation’s children live in those families, did you? Aren’t you smart. That’s fine, not to worry, we have a solution to this problem, courtesy of the Wall Street Journal and Richard Vedder, an economist for the American Enterprise Institute! Ready? OK here it is: these poor families should WORK HARDER. Also they should not be given food stamps, Pell grants, or unemployment insurance. Seriously, this is his actual solution. Did we mention he is a Professor of economics at Ohio University, a public school where he is free to opine on cutting the government spending that benefits OTHER people while he himself suckles contentedly from the government’s teat? Well, we guess we have now. Read more on Tenured Academic At State University Complains About Laziness Of Shiftless Unemployeds…
  bloom off the rose

Peggy Noonan: Why Won’t Barack Obama Be Bipartisan Like John Boehner And Reagan Yes She Says Yes She Says Yes?

barack obama john boehner ronald reagan ronald reagan bipartisan tip o’neill ronald reagan cliffs the cliffs always cliffs good faith why why why no thats no way for him has he no manners nor no refinement nor no nothing in his nature slapping us behind like that on my bottom because I didn’t call him Hugh the ignoramus that doesnt know poetry from a cabbage thats what you get for notkeeping them in their proper place pulling off his shoes and trousers there on the chair before me so barefaced without even asking permission and standing out that vulgar way in the half of a shirt they wear to be admired like a priest or a butcher or those old hypocrites in the time of Ronald Reagan of course hes right enough in his way to pass the time as a joke sure you might as well be in bed with what with a lion God Im sure hed have something better to say for himself an old Lion would Read more on Peggy Noonan: Why Won’t Barack Obama Be Bipartisan Like John Boehner And Reagan Yes She Says Yes She Says Yes?…
  We Have Always Been at War with Eastquestria.

Ghost Breitbart: Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal Now Part Of Obama’s Propaganda Machine

Hey guys! Did you know that there’s a vast left-wing conspiracy to cover up the TRVTH about what happened in Libya? Totally factual and documented — at least, inside what Wonkette’s BFF Rachel Maddow calls the conservative “media bubble where [there are no] neutral or contrasting points of view.” And so, when Rupert Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal, a press organ (huh-huh… “organ”) that is usually thought of as a reliable part of that bubble, runs a story falling outside the accepted conservative narrative about Benghazi, the only rational response is to declare the WSJ part of a pro-Obama spin campaign. Makes sense to us! Posting at Dead Andrew Breitbart’s Big Journalism site, AWR Hawkins says that the WSJ is one of many “Obama surrogates in the mainstream media” bent on “providing a smokescreen for U.S. Ambassador Susan Rice.” Read more on Ghost Breitbart: Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal Now Part Of Obama’s Propaganda Machine…
  i said nothing when they came for the axelrod

Wall Street Journal: To Use The Word ‘Liar Is To Kill Six Million Jews

Mitt Romney stated things during the debate last week that were often in direct contravention of both reality and things he had previously stated. If you’re wondering why I don’t use the L-word (“liar,” not “lesbian”), it’s because, as Daniel Henninger states at the Wall Street Journal today, “liar” is the linguistic harbinger of fascism. “Liar” is a potent and ugly word with a sleazy political pedigree. But “liar” is not being deployed only by party attack dogs or the Daily Kos comment queue. Mitt Romney is being called a “liar” by officials at the top of the Obama re-election campaign. That’s shameful! What are they doing? Politics isn’t beanbag, but politicians past had all sorts of devices to say or suggest an opponent was playing fast and loose with the truth. This week’s Obama TV ad, “How Can We Trust Mitt Romney?” would have been perfectly legit absent the Plouffe “liar” prepping. So, the problem isn’t saying that someone is an untruthful, anti-American piece of festering shit, just don’t call them a liar. But why? Read more on Wall Street Journal: To Use The Word ‘Liar Is To Kill Six Million Jews…
  people unclear on the concept

Jack Welch: People Making Fun Of Me Is Worse Than A Siberian Gulag

What is up with conservatives and the First Amendment? For years now, all those people who love the Constitution so much they carry it around in the breast pockets of their bespoke suits have had this totally sane and logical notion that criticising someone for being an idiot is the same as taking away their freedom of speech. Logic, it is what’s for dinner! But Jack Welch — the poor little billionaire who axed a hundred thousand jobs as head of GE and now has only his plum perches at CNN and Fortune to huff away from — has taken his case to the Wall Street Journal, noted comforter of the comfortable and afflicter of the afflicted, and raised it to a whole new crazy. Imagine a country where challenging the ruling authorities—questioning, say, a piece of data released by central headquarters—would result in mobs of administration sympathizers claiming you should feel “embarrassed” and labeling you a fool, or worse. Soviet Russia perhaps? Communist China? Nope, that would be the United States right now, when a person (like me, for instance) suggests that a certain government datum (like the September unemployment rate of 7.8%) doesn’t make sense. Oh. Oh my. Read more on Jack Welch: People Making Fun Of Me Is Worse Than A Siberian Gulag…
  a kiss for the dying

Peggy Noonan Cuts A Bitch

Mitt was down for the count. Bill and Brooksy had already taken their kicks to his ribs, while Peggy stood silent, unfiltered Camel in her claw. She watched, her snake lips thinning even further as they stretched across her skull for her “smile.” Just as Bill was about to deliver his boot to the back of Mitt’s head, Mitt’s jaw carefully opened and propped on the curb, Peggy finally spoke. “No,” she spat in her unmistakable goon-speak. “Let me.” Read more on Peggy Noonan Cuts A Bitch…
  sounds legit

Listen Up As Karl Rove Explains Why Seniors Will Flock To GOP To Kill Medicare For Them

Who among you supposed — nay, dreamed — way back in 2008 that Karl Rove, having completed his task of gifting George W. Bush to America, would take his balls and go home and stop messing around with democracy? Well, we hate to be the bearers of bad news, but not only does he have a $200,000,000 SuperPac to screw around with, he’s also been going on the Sunday morning yap shows to talk about Bush’s “accomplishments” and writing op-eds for the Wall Street Journal that misquote Bill Clinton. Now he’s back with ANOTHER op-ed, also in the Wall Street Journal, this one focusing on the fact that the GOP has a “Medicare advantage” over the Democrats. And surprise surprise, this one is as poorly sourced and given to hyperbole and obfuscation as the last one. But it’s Karl Rove, leader of the GOP Hive Mind, so we figure we should pay attention! Read more on Listen Up As Karl Rove Explains Why Seniors Will Flock To GOP To Kill Medicare For Them…
  funny vp watch

Conservatives And Liberals Unite To Get Paul Ryan on Presidential Ticket

The Weekly Standard, the Wall Street Journal editorial page, and even ol’ Starburst are all engaged in furious last-minute lobbying to persuade Mitt Romney to select that nice young Boy Scout down the street who’s offered to fix our finances, Paul Ryan, as Vice President. The problem with such a selection is obvious: Romney would be picking someone recommended by the Weekly Standard, the Wall Street Journal editorial page, and even ol’ Starburst, instantly guaranteeing that it would be a colossal failure. Other problems: Paul Ryan wants to destroy all of the most popular government programs and is famous for wanting to do that? No matter, the conservatives say — it would be a serious campaign of Issues! The ‘merkin people will respect an “honest” view of the future! Again, these are all conservative arguments in favor of picking Paul Ryan. Read more on Conservatives And Liberals Unite To Get Paul Ryan on Presidential Ticket…
  rich old men

Wall Street Journal: Why Is Obama Siding With College Students Against These Poor Banks?

Yesterday, we learned a lot of fun facts about the one trillion dollar student loan bubble! Like the fact that student loans (unlike any other unsecured line of credit) cannot be discharged in bankruptcy, so the debt will never, ever go away,  not even if you die, and that banks will even garnish your social security checks to get their money. (Although the joke’s on THEM since we won’t even HAVE Social Security soon so ha!)  Even though the student loan bubble is actually slowing down the housing market and the rest of the economy along with it, the Wall Street Journal thinks that best course of action is to do absolutely nothing. See, that would be socialism! You wouldn’t want there to be socialism, would you? Of course not.  Also, these kids should be out creating JOBS, not trying to seek relief from the oppressive terms and conditions of their student loan obligations! If only “Uncle Sugar” wouldn’t be so focused on redistributing wealth, yadda yadda not hurting small businesses blah blah.  Actually we can’t figure that part out but the argument seems to be that helping debt burdened borrowers will hurt small businesses or something. We think? Read more on Wall Street Journal: Why Is Obama Siding With College Students Against These Poor Banks?…